TROUBLE WITH GROUPIES
(Jamie, Jeffy, and Joey are clustered around Quinn at school...as usual)
JAMIE: So, Quinn?
QUINN: I said 'no', ok?? Now shut up...I'm trying to think.
JOEY: You're good at that, Quinn.
JEFFY: Yeah! I agree!
JAMIE: I thought that first!
(Quinn glares at them, sees Daria up ahead with Jane, and heads toward her
without aknowledging the other three any farther.)
QUINN: Daria? I need to talk to you.
DARIA: In public? You need money, don't you?
QUINN: There's no new guys left to go out with! I haven't had a date in two
JANE: (mutters to Daria) I didn't know she could count that high!
DARIA: Uh...Quinn? Why don't you just go out with one of the three stooges over
(Quinn turns to see J, J, and, J still waiting for her in the distance.)
QUINN: (Dryly) Ha ha, Daria. Very funny. Seriously.
DARIA: Actually, Quinn...I am serious.
QUINN: Those guys are willing to devote themselves to me!...Where's the
challenge in that?
QUINN: Mom's always telling us to push ourselves, right? That anything that's
worth having...you have to work for. I need to make the wanted guys want me. Or
else it's no fun.
JANE: Could she possibly twist logic anymore?
DARIA: I don't think that's quite what she meant, Quinn.
QUINN: Ugh...yeah right! Why am I asking you anyway?? Like you know anything
(She stalks off)
JANE: She knows something about relationships?
Daria: Yeah...like how to break them off.
(Later...in the Lane's bacement. Trent and Jesse are practicing.)
TRENT:(Finishing a chord) So what do you think, Daria?
DARIA: (pause) uh....
JANE: Daria loved it!
DARIA: (thinking: May lightning strike my friend.)says: It was good.
TRENT: Hmmm...you're right. We should work on that guitar riff in the middle.
JANE: You know, Trent, if you ever need groupies, Daria (long pause) and I would
love to help!
TRENT: Would you really? We could use some this weekend.
JANE: Uh...It was just a joke Trent. Daria and I can't be groupies.
DARIA: Yeah, you see...uh.
JANE: You see, Daria and I have a problem with squealing and mooning over
people. It's against our principles.
JANE: (Continiuing) At least I have a problem with mooning...(Smirking at
Daria)...Daria seems to be very good at it.
DARIA: (thinking: May she die a slow and painful death.)
TRENT: (Oblivious to what Jane's hinting at) That's too bad. Normally, we'd want
people to hire us because they like our music, but it could help us out at our
next gig. It's an important one. How could we get groupies, Janey?
DARIA: Maybe if you paid them enough. (She slaps her hand over her mouth in
horror at what she's just said.)
TRENT: Good one Daria...actually, maybe we could.
(SCENE THREE. Jane and Daria have walked to Daria's house. They stop at the
JANE: Speaking of groupies...(she says, pointing to Quinn who's surrounded by
Jeffy, Joey, and Jaime.)
QUINN: Thanks for the ride home...uh, Joey, Jeffy, and Jerry.
JEFFY: Uh, Quinn?
JAMIE: But, Quinn--
QUINN: No. Go away.
(She goes inside, shutting the door in their faces.)
JOEY: She's perfect!
JEFFY: I agree!
JAMIE: I thought that first!
DARIA: Have you ever seen anything more pathetic?
JANE: She's so mean to them. Why do they keep coming back to her?
DARIA: (Dryly) It's her charm.
(Daria enters the house as Quinn is ending a conversation on the phone.)
QUINN: Uh huh. Uh huh. Right. Uh huh. I know! Uh huh. And you know, Sandy, this
is an emergency after all. Uh huh. Bye! (She hangs up)
DARIA: So hows The Great Boyfriend Search coming along?
QUINN: Get a life, Daria! If you aren't going to be helpful, don't say anything!
DARIA: (sinks onto the green couch as Quinn gets up and starts fishing through
clothes on a nearby chair.) That bad, huh?
QUINN: It's horrible! The fasion club is terrified! It's like a nightmare come
true or something!
DARIA: Don't worry, Quinn, I'm sure the world will return to normal real soon.
QUINN: Maybe, but if something doesn't happen soon, we may have to take
desperate measures. Like go recruiting or something.
DARIA: (Sarcastically) Yeah, but in the meantime, you could always go shopping
at the mall as a pick-me-up!
(Quinn's eyes widen and she drops the light blue baby tee she'd been holding
QUINN: What a great idea! (She runs and grabs the phone) Hello? Sandy?
(Daria rolls her eyes and turns on the t.v.)
T.V.: A woman who belives her fruit cocktail has been giving her messages from
God! Next! On Sick Sad World!
T.V.: People mauled by inchworms...on the next Sick Sad World!
(The credits roll and Daria switches off the T.V. Quinn enters wearing black,
chunky heeled shoes, black leggings, and a shiny dark pink tee shirt. Her hair
is pulled up in a fasionable ponytail and she has a big piece of posterboard
with nothing written on it yet.)
DARIA: You're going shopping in that?
QUINN: Forget shopping! Our problems are solved. I won't have trouble getting a
date for months! No one in the fashion club will!
(The doorbell rings)
DARIA: Who's that?
QUINN: Oh, that's Joey, Jeffy, and Johnny...I mean Jamie. Whatever. They're
giving me a ride.
DARIA: I thought you weren't going to go out with them.
QUINN: I'm not. They're giving me a ride to Sandy's house! Just because I don't
like them doesn't mean I won't let them do stuff for me.
DARIA: How nice. You're all heart.
QUINN: (Missing the sarcasm) I know! It's tiring sometimes. I gotta go. Tell
mom and dad not to wait up! (She hurries out the door)
(The phone rings.)
DARIA: Hey, Jane.
JANE: Hey, Daria.
DARIA: What's up?
JANE: Well it looks like Trent and Jesse got their groupies.
JANE: Didn't you hear? The fasion club agreed to do it. Trent and Jesse just had
to promise to thank " the beautiful and talented " girls who are there for them
and momentarily shine the spotlight on them. I'm sure they're expecting loads of
guys to notice them that way and end up with lots of dates.
DARIA: And I'm sure they won't be disapointed.
JANE: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
JANE: Well remember how Trent said this was an important gig?
JANE: Well that's because these people are rich. Trent and Jesse could get paid
a lot and get a lot more offers...It's an all girls private school.
la la la la la la la la la la.