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"Zippity Do Damn"
By cherishc

Author's notes:

Ok, this is my 1st fan fiction story EVER so if it really sucks be nice and email me suggestions at cherishc@alloymail.com, ok? All of the making out scenes I put in with the intention of having them heard but not seen. Wherever it says that the guys speak in their native language and there are words written, subtitles should be used. MTV, don't sue me for doing the story because I'm just a young kid who wanted to write a story. Neither my parents nor I have enough money anyway.

"Daria" TM and ©MTV and its related companies. All rights reserved.
Any content in this story relating to "Daria" is not authorized by MTV.


First scene: Morgendorrfer's kitchen. Daria is reading the newspaper. Quinn is dissecting her eggs, which Jake is making at the stove (or trying to).

Jake: Isn't this great, girls? I just love family breakfasts!

Helen enters from living room

Helen: Jake, what are you doing?

Jake: I'm making the family eggs! We never eat a special breakfast together, so I thought--

Helen: Jake, you KNOW I have a brunch meeting this morning. And girls, you better be heading off to school anyway.

Quinn: Mom, I need some money for, ummm, lunch.

Helen: But Quinn, I gave you a month's worth last week!

Quinn: O--K, so I didn't borrow that dress from Stacey. But it was so cute and really expensive and it makes my boobs look REALLY perky and besides I'll probably wear it again if I meet some guy at this college party I was planning on going to...

Helen: (hurriedly, as if wanting to make Quinn stop before she says more than she should) Fine, here, take the money.

Quinn: Thanks!

Daria (to herself): Ah, the life of a future trophy wife #4.

Jake: Anyone else for eggs a la Jake?

Daria: No, this military exercise they refer to as school calls.

Jake: But I made these just for you. (Eggs start smoking) Dammit!

Second scene: Mr. O'Neill's class. "Julius Caesar" with several other little drawings and comments litter the board.

Mr. O'Neill: So, when Shakespeare says, "the good that a man does is oft interred with his bones", what does he mean? That no one cares about a man's good deeds? That the good a man does it forgotten after his death? Anastasia? (No answer) Uhh, Danesha?

Andrea: It's Andrea, you freak.

Mr. O'Neill: Oh, heh heh, hmm. How about you Jan?

Jane: Jane. It means that if you gave a bunch of money to save the rainforest but then committed a murder/suicide then people will remember you for the way that you blew out someone else's brains just to justify your own cowardly way of bringing attention to your petty problems.

Mr. O'Neill: Very good Jane!

Jane: No problem.

Mr. O'Neill: Now, what can we learn from this statement? Kevin?

Kevin (clearly something else is on his mind): That we should do what we want instead having all of these people push us around! I mean, how was I supposed to know the party was being monitored? They should tell us these things!

Mr. O'Neill: "That we should do what we want." Do you think that Shakespeare ment that we should have fun with life instead of worrying about how we will be remembered?

Kevin: Um, yeah!

Mr. O'Neill: Interesting! How would you like to be remembered Kevin?

Kevin: Uhhhhhh, NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED! THIS OFFER APPLIES TO MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY! (Kevin clearly has been watching too much TV)

Mr. O'Neill: Oh, well, we all have our own opinions. I'm glad to see you participating in class, Kevin.

Kevin: Participating? You mean learning? Aw man!

Third scene: Daria walks in the front door, coming home from school. Helen, Jake, and Quinn are sitting in the living room. Quinn has a look of disgust on her face. Helen and Jake are excited.

Helen: Oh, Daria, you're home. We decided to call a little family meeting.

Daria: Why do I have the feeling that this isn't good?

Jake: Don’t be silly, honey! Of course it's good!

Daria: And why is that? (Notices Quinn's expression) Are we sending Quinn away?

Quinn: You know, I have I date right now, so let's make this short.

Helen: We're going to take a little family vacation.

Daria (monotone): Zippity do da.

Jake: Exactly!

Helen: We're all going to Disneyworld!

Daria: Have you lost your minds? Last vacation we took you guys had your stomachs pumped!

Jake: But we'll be in civilization this time.

Daria: Yeah, as if Disneyworld is so much easier to navigate then the woods.

Quinn: I can't believe it! I haven't been to Disneyworld since I was little!

Daria: Don't you guys think that Disneyworld is a little childish?

Quinn (to herself): All those European boys! I wonder what I should wear, since I can't exactly talk to them. Oh god, I have to start packing! (she runs upstairs)

Helen: Then it's settled.

Daria: Uh.

Helen: Oh come on, Daria. It won't be that bad. Besides, you can always go off on your own.

Daria: Really?

Helen: Well, you are sixteen. Just stay with Quinn.

Daria: My other option is?

Helen: Stay with your father.

Daria: Oh, alright, I'll stay with Quinn.

Helen: Good.

Jake: It's great you're excited about going! Ready for all those rides, kiddo?

Helen: Jake, were you listening at ALL?

Jake: Oh, look, the sports page! (He starts reading)

Daria: I'm going to Jane's.

Helen: Aren't you going to pack?

Daria: Later.

Quinn (calling down stairs): Are this ALL the suitcases we have?

Fourth scene: Jane's bedroom. Jane is sculpting something that looks sort of like a mangled saucepan. Daria is sitting on the bed.

Jane: Disneyworld, huh? Don't your parents know the legal implications of torture?

Daria: Mom's a lawyer, she can get around that.

Jane: Maybe you could apply for a job as one of those characters. I hear that if they throw up because of the heat they can't take their head off until their shift's over.

Daria: Disney would have to compensate me for the cost of air fresheners. Although, the smell would keep the kids away…

Jane: Just make sure you don't get in the same seat as a little kid on a ride. Who knows what they'll do in that sort of stimulating environment.

Daria: Thanks for the tip.

Jane: You get to miss school on Friday and Monday.

Daria: But I'm spending that time with my FAMILY. But I can lose Quinn in a heartbeat.

Jane: Your parents?

Daria: Not unless they make me eat dinner with them, which I'm planning to avoid. I'll say that Quinn and I are bonding, since she will be out with some foreign guy anyway.

Jane: Alone in Disneyworld for four days.

Daria: "Tape Sick Sad World" for me, Ok?

Jane: Just bring me a Mickey Mouse hat. I need a model so I can paint one burning, maybe in oils…

Daria: Done.

Scene Five: Morgendorrfer's car. Jake and Helen are wearing their outfits from "That was then, this is dumb".

Daria: Can we put in some music? This is getting really boring.

Jake: Sure, kiddo! (he turns on the radio, which plays commercials. He turns it off) Stupid radio jocks. Blah, Blah, Blah. WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ANYWAY?! AM I THAT OUT OF TOUCH?!

Helen: Jake, calm down. Think calm skies, quiet breezes, sun…

Quinn: Oooo, ooo, ooo!

Helen: What is it Quinn?

Quinn: Omigod, we HAVE to stop at the mall up ahead.

Helen: Why on earth would you need to go to the mall now?

Quinn: I need a beret! How will the French guys think I'm cultured and seasoned if I don't have a beret?

Helen: We are NOT stopping just for a beret. Wait till we get to Disneyworld.

Quinn: But I also need, ummm, feminine supplies.

Helen: Well why didn't you say so honey? Jake, pull over into the mall. (they pull into the mall parking lot next to a directory) Jake, look for a shop that would carry what Quinn needs.

Jake: This is making me really uncomfortable. Couldn't you look?

Helen: Oh for heaven's sake! Quinn, go and get what you need. Here's $20. Come back in half an hour or you can forget walking around Disneyworld alone.

Quinn (horrified): You're kidding! (sprints away from car). Stay right there!

Scene Six: back on road. Quinn is reading (gasp!) a manual titled "The sexiest ways to wear a beret: ways to make the French swoon". She has a bag on the seat next to her.

Daria: How much longer?

Jake: Not long!

Helen: Are you girls excited?

Daria: I'm wriggling with joy.

Jake: Great!

Scene: Disneyworld entrance. Quinn has on a black beret and has a black purse slung over her shoulder. Daria is wearing her black t-shirt/jeans combo.

Helen: Isn't this great! Where do you want to start?

Daria: Quinn and I will decide as we go along.

Helen: Oh, alright. Where should we meet?

Quinn: Actually, Daria and I are going to have dinner together too. You know, sibling bonding. We'll just meet you for breakfast tommorrow.

Jake: That's great!

Helen: I am so proud of you girls! Bonding--my girls! Have a nice time. (Helen and Jake walk away. Quinn and Daria look at each other and walk in opposite directions. Daria walks up to a line for Space Mountain.)

Daria: What the hell. I'm here anyway, so might as well. (She walks up to the end of the line. A little kid is standing there with his mom, eating an ice cream cone. His mother is reading a book.) Excuse me, how long have you been standing here?

Mother: About an hour.

Daria: Why?

Mother: What kind of question is that?

Kid: Whoops! (drops ice cream on Daria's jeans and shoes.

Mother: Timmy!

Daria: That's Ok. If you'll just give me your insurance number, I'll make sure that you'll get my dry cleaning bill.

Mother: You just wasted that ice cream. (Daria rolls eyes)

Scene: Quinn is talking to a bunch of European boys/men in a little square. They are falling over themselves gawking at her.

Quinn: …so I said, "Where did you get that outfit, wannabes inc."?

Boys (in French): She's so cool! She's amazing! I'm gonna ask her out! She's mine! Hey! (they fight, Quinn beams)

Scene: Daria in line for space mountain. She's inside and she's the last one in the group of people loading into cars. The only seat left is second to last. She is sitting right behind a little kid.

Daria: Thank god there are single seats. (The ride starts. Daria is stiff with fear. The kid behind her barfs and it hits Daria in the face, knocking off her glasses.) Oh my god! I'm going to be sick! Where the hell are my glasses? Damn! (The ride ends. Daria runs to the bathroom and washes it off as best she can.) This has made a great day. I can't see a damn thing either. I hope the glasses fell on someone below us, at least. (Daria walks out of the ride and heads towards Main Street. She sees the Train Station and goes inside.) Dad?

Jake: Daria! How did you know I was here?

Daria: It was my first guess.

Jake: Where's Quinn?

Daria: She's, uh, going to the bathroom. We're heading over to Epcot Center. We might be learning a lot so we'll stay out a little late tonight and just see you for dinner tomorrow.

Jake: Ok, kiddo! Have fun!

Daria: Don't forget to wear your hat backwards. It's really cool (monotone).

Jake: Really? Thanks for the tip!

Daria: No problem. (She walks out of the Train Station and heads towards the gate. Suddenly a giant Chipmunk--Dale--jumps in front of her and waves his arms.) AHHHH! Get out of my way you freak! (Dale tries to hug her) Touch me and I scream. (Mickey and Goofy come skipping up and both pat her on the shoulder. Daria screams at the top of her lungs--very high pitched. They back off a little.) My mother's a lawyer so if you want to avoid a lawsuit I'd suggest getting out of my way!

Scene: Quinn is making out with one of the French boys on the spinning teacups. The other boys sit on the other side watching her.

Boy 1: Quinn!

Boy 2: Me Quinn!

Quinn (holds up her hand and counts off her fingers): This longer, then (pointing) you.

Boy 1: Yeah!

Boy 2 (in French to Boy 1): Why do you get all of the girls? Why can't I?

Boy 1: You can't afford them. Last night cost me $150.

Boy 2: Wonder how much she costs.

Scene: Daria in Epcot Center. She is examining the Chinese artwork and artifacts.

Daria (thinking): Thank God I got out of that hellhole. This is much better. Hey, this one is pretty. Looks like something Jane made. (She walks out and heads towards the center lake. A little kid suddenly runs up to her and clings to her. He is filthy and sweaty)

Kid: Friend! Play with me!

Daria (prying him off): No way. Go find someone else.

Kid: You're mean! (Picks up a drink next to Daria and throws it at her)

Daria: DAAAAAAMMMMIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Scene: Jake and Helen are sitting in the moving seats in the Haunted Mansion.

Helen: Do you remember coming here to protest, Honey?

Jake: Yeah. Too bad we never did. Why didn’t we, anyway?

Helen: We were here, remember?

Jake: Oh, yeah….(they start to make out).

Scene: Daria, fed up with the whole Disneyworld thing, heads out of the entrance to Epcot. She heads to a pay phone and looks up a number in the yellow pages.

Daria: Taxi? Yeah, I need a ride out of Epcot to anywhere.

Scene: Quinn is in a restaurant with three new German guys.

Quinn: So which one of you guys wants to take me to a nice restaurant in town?

Guys: Huh?

Quinn: Oh, for heaven's sake! (She draws a picture with her eyeliner and shows it to them).

Guys: Me! Me! No, me! (they start to talk in German)

Quinn: Either fight or choose, ok? (the guys look at each other)

Guys (in German): Why are we fighting over her anyway? She's too young anyway. Hey, let's go to Space Mountain. Yeah, I heard it's really awesome and it won't make you sick. (laugh and shake hands, and walk away)

Quinn: Wait! What are you doing! Uhhhhh! (she sits there in shock)

Scene: Daria sits in a taxi cab. She and an especially young taxi driver are driving in the city.

Driver: So, where to?

Daria: Want do you recommend?

Driver: You mean you don't know where you're going?

Daria: Is there a library or bookstore around here anywhere?

Driver: There's a little bookstore/café combo about 7 miles away.

Daria: Step on it.

Driver: I would, but there's a semi ahead. Unless you decide to get suicidal.

Daria: No thanks. Hey, you look familiar…Do I know you?

Driver: I don't know. Where do you live?

Daria: Would any street smart person tell you that?

Driver: No, you're right. Here, I'll tell you something about me. I'm 19, I hated high school, and I come from a small town.

Daria: Except for the fact that I am still in high school and that I'm a few years younger than you, I'm the same.

Driver: Another sarcastic teen. Believe, everyone else becomes just like you and me in college.

Daria: Are you in college?

Driver: Graduated. Bob's college of Driving.

Scene: Helen and Jake are in the hallway to their hotel room.

Helen: Do you think the girls will wonder where we are.

Jake (slyly): What girls?

Helen (playfully): You animal!

Scene: Daria still in the taxi, stuck in traffic.

Daria: So, where in the state did you live?

Driver: Tiny town. Ever heard of Lawndale?

Daria: Hey, that's where I live!

Driver: What year are you in Lawndale high?

Daria: Well, you wouldn't know me, anyway. I'm new this year.

Driver: Oh well. Hey, do you know Quinn Morgendorffer?

Daria: How do you know Quinn?

Driver: One of my younger buddies there--a senior. He went out with her and can't stop talking about her.

Daria: Yeah, well, she's been out with every boy alive so it's not like he's an original in that.

Driver: I think I'll neglect to mention that to him. It might kill him.

Daria: I bet he already knows. It's not like she's that discreet about her dating record.

Driver: How do you know so much about her?

Daria: Tell your friend that I'm the only other one in the school that has to live with her and share her last name.

Driver: Ohhhh…man, I feel sorry for you.

Daria: It's ok. Anyway, I won't mind her so much after this hellish experience in every child's heaven.

Driver: Hey, the café is only about 2 blocks from here. Do you want to get out here or wait to get out of traffic?

Daria: Here is fine.

Driver: Hey, here's my number. Call me sometime.

Daria: I don’t date.

Driver: Not for a date, just as friends.

Daria: Ok, thanks. Maybe I'll talk to you again soon. (Daria gets out of the taxi and walks out on the street. She stops at the corner and looks back at the taxi and smiles).

Scene: Quinn is sitting in the hotel room bed, looking miserable. There is a knock on the door.

Boy's Voice: Room Service. (Quinn goes to the door and opens it).

Quinn: Thank god you're here!

Boy: Are you sure you're 21 miss?

(Shot of him outside the door. We can't see anything but his back and the door. He is pulled inside. A second or two later he comes out, looking happily shocked.)

Quinn (inside hotel room): Thank God for Bicardi!

Scene: Daria walks through the hotel hallways with a bag from the bookstore and comes to the room she shares with Quinn. She opens the door and finds Quinn isn't there--but the bottle of Bicardi is empty on the floor. Daria walks into the bathroom and finds Quinn with her face in the toilet, puking her brains out.

Daria: What happened to you? Why--and how--the hell did you get alcohol?

Quinn (face sweaty and wrinkled--speaking with disbelief): Some guys refused to go out with me. They completely blew me off!

Daria: So you got smashed.

Quinn: Go to hell. (Continues barfing)

Daria: This will be a fun night.

Scene: Hotel management knocking on Jake and Helen's door.

Manager: Hey, keep it down in there! Our transients have been complaining all night!

Jake: Go to hell, man!

Manager (to others): It's time.

Scene: Morgendorffer's in car. They all look tired. Daria is reading.

Jake: I can't BELIEVE they threw us out! What nerve! Big fat fascist PIGS!

Helen: That was horrible…I never want to do THAT again.

Quinn: You can say that again.

Helen: How are you doing Daria?

Daria: I'll skip that question.

Jake: Kid's probably grumpy because she's tired…I'll get you back for that, you stupid hotel!

Helen: Jake, watch the road! (Horn blast)

Scene: Jane and Daria in Daria's room. They are watching Sick Sad World, which can be heard faintly in the background.

Jane: So you had a great time, I gather.

Daria: Yeah. Turns out Quinn had alcohol poisoning. Mom and Dad were freaked.

Jane: Did you get anything out of it?

Daria: Extended curfew for me, shortened one for Quinn.

Jane: Anything else?

Daria: Permission to burn the Mickey Mouse hat with you for your painting.

Jane: Do you have two? I'd like to paint one and just torture the other.

Daria: As long as I get to help.

Quinn (calling up stairs): Daria, phone! (Daria picks up the phone)

Daria: Hello?

Driver: Hey, Daria. (Look of shock on Daria's face)