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Buzzcut Versus Barch (1/3)
by GiantJ8009
(After years of defending the world from all manner of evils Buzzcut must travel to Lawndale to do what no MAN would ever try, something even God would be afraid to do!)

Start here:Lawndale halls. Enter upchuck and Daria/Jane

Upchuck:Rrrrowwwlllll Fiesty!
Jane:(Smiling evily)Hey Upchuck I want to hook you up my good friend Lorena
Upchuck:Realllllyyyyy(Licking his lips)
Daria:Naw, to cut it off he'd need it first.
Upchuck:Huh?
(Enter Barch)
Barch:Hey you've met Lorena? She was my best student.(laughs evilly)
Upchuck(Realization dawns on face. Runs away.Barch grabs him punches him in the face to knock him out, then drags him off.)
Daria:Wonder what that was that was about?
Jane:I don't think he'll be saying Fiestyyyy(imitates Upchuck) anytime soon.
Daria:Wanna get a pizza:?
Jane:Okay.

(Cut to interrogation room in Barch's house. Upchuck is spread out on a rack wearing just his boxers.)
Barch:Okay mister ladies man lets see how you like some drain cleaner poured DOWN YOUR THROAT.(Close up on Upchuck's face, a look of pure agony.)Upchuck:Noooo!!!!Not again!!!!!!
Barch:Shut up you MAN!(Gets in his face)
Upchuck:This is cruel and unusual punishment!!!
Barch:See this(Holds up a copy of Bikini Island magazine)
Upchuck:ohhhh(Eyes widen horribley)
(Barch lights the dirty magazine on fire. Upchuck wails like a banshee. Barch laughs horribley.)
Barch:Now. If your gonna want to leave this place your gonna do what I say.
Upchuck:PLeazzzzzzz(looking very pathetic.)I'lldo anythinggggg
Barch:Your a smart little boy aren't you?
Upchuck:Yes Ma'am
Barch:Your gonna be my hostage.
Upchuck:Hostage?
Barch:I'm toppling this oppressive MALE world order once and for all.
Upchuck:Get real, even YOU can't kill every man.
Barch:Wanna bet? (Barch walks over to a table. There are decapitated action figures and something under a sheet.)
Upchuck:Whats under that?
Barch:(Pulls away the cover to reveal a computer consul.)This is a computer that is linked to the Governments weapon systems. Thanks to a drunk MALE at missle command.com I was able to get the launch codes. Check it out.(Types in some numbers on the screen. A voice says: Yes Mister President?) Stupid MEN!
Upchuck:You can't get away with this.(He says slowly.)
Barch:Oh really(walks over to a closet. Opens door to reveal a battered, terrified James Bond and Superman.They are tied up. Barch begins to laugh.)No one can stop me now!

(Cut to Oval Office. A panicked President Clinton is pacing back in forth. Various government and military officials are gathered.)
Clinton:Ms Barch on the rampage! May God have pity on this country!
Al Gore:My old buddy Mr O Neill lives in Lawndale. He might be able to reason with her.
Clinton:NO ONE CAN REASON WITH THAT THAT BI-
Al gore:Cut that talk! We live in a family TV show!
Clinton:TV show...what kinda sh*t are you talking?
General:(To Gore)Were here to talk about how to stop Barch not to debate metaphysics.
Al Gore:Sorry
Clinton:General Powell. Your the smart one here, what DO WE DO?
Colin Powell:I've a got a plan.
Clinton:You'd better. I don't want Barch to get ahold of me after all those adultury(Suddenly looks embarraseed)... er... allegeded infidelity charges...
General Powell:I want to met a man who might be able to help us. Bring him in boys.(Door opens. Mister DeMartino enters, he is bound in a straightjacket, badly wounded and flanked by a dozen armed Secret Service Men.)Take the muzzle off him.(They do)
Clinton:You brought this FREAK in the WHITE HOUSE!
DeMartino:I am Anthony DeMARTINO history TEACHER at LAWNDALE high school.
Powell:To make a long story short hes a crackhead who attacked the White House this morning with a gun. He was hyped up on PCP and it took half a dozen agents to put him down.
DeMartino:Don't think I don't sympathize with you! I know FIRSTHAND the horrors of MS BARCH!
(Looks greatly afraid and glances over his shoulder.)Shes made my life WORSE THAN HELL!
Al Gore:That doesn't explain trying to shoot your way in here!(He looks ready to hit DeMArtino)
DeMartino:(Looks away. Hes afraid of setting Gore off on him)Sure it does(He says in a weak voice clearly different than his usual tone)It was the only way to get your attention.
Clinton:You really are a nutcase. Take em' away boys.
DeMartino:NO its TRUE. I've written letter after LETTER BEGGING you to kick BARCH out of THE COUNTRY!
Clinton: Get out!
Al Gore:Shut up Clinton.(Clinton cowers instinctively)Why are you here?
DeMArtino:I might know how to deal with that that BARCH.
Al Gore:Keep talkin'
DeMartino:There is someone who might MIGHT be TOUGH enough to DEFEAT BARCH!
Clinton(Suddenly brightens):Who?
DeMartino:His name is Buzzcut. Bradley Buzzcut.
Clinton:What could he do?
DeMArtino:Hes got b*lls of TITATIUM ALLOY! Heres his business card.(Hands it to Clinton)

It reads: Buzzcut,Bradley. Age 42. Unorthidox Gym teacher at Highland, Texas. Marine Corps Special Forces in Vietnam, winner of Silver Star and Navy Cross. Went to Hell to kill Satan and succeded. Call 768-876 for security, riot control or killing B-Movie monsters.

Clinton:Hes our man. But if he doesn't suceed(his voice becomes ominious)we will be forced to NUCLEAR WEAPONS to defeat Barch. And as for you DeMartino your going to prison for about 900 years, but since you've been so helpful it'll be an all-male prison.
DeMartino:THANK YOU!

(Cut to pizza place. Daria and Jane are eating pizza. You can see National Guard and police through the
windows, though the two seem obvious of it)
Daria:What happened to Upchuck? He should be here staring at Brittany by now.
Jane:The same thing that happened to Johnny Bobbit. You shouldn't have suggested that to Miss Barch
Daria:Hey, you gonna make a painting about that?
Jane:(Sarcastically)Very funny. Seriously though, not while were eating.
(Kevin and Brittany walk over)
Daria:Um, the football games not over at this table.\
Kevin:Really?(Brittany socks him)Oww!
Brittany:Theres something wrong with Ms Barch
Jane:Her ex husband came back from Australia?
Kevin:No man, shes like, pyscho-ed out. The armys got her house surrounded.
Daria:Ha, ha.
Jane:I always knew this was gonna happen.(Daria, Kevin and Brittany look at her strangely) Shes gotten
into nuclear launch codes. She gave that speech on it last year remember? The one called Bringing
Down those (imitates Barch's voice) FASIST,MALE,PIGS.
Brittany:Whats that mean?(Twirls her hair)
Daria:(Speaks slowly, as if talking to a small child)World go BOOM!
Brittany:Oh noooo! This is gonna ruin my whole day! (Makes noises)
Kevin:Cool. So does this mean that'll I'll be the last man alive?
Jane:For the speak of the human gene pool I sure hope not.
Daria:Yeah, Radiation would be mutating enough.
(The four walk outside)
Jane:How are we gonna get their?
Kevin:My car. Since theirs only two seats though you'll have to ride in the trunk.
Daria:How bout if you ride in the truck with BRITTANY(widens her eyes)Its really DARK in their.
Brittany:Yea!
Kevin:cool.

(Cut to White House basement. Buzzcut is surrounded by a phalanx of government goons)
Clinton:Can you defeat Barch?
Buzzcut:Barch?!(Looks at Gore angrlily) You told me I was gonna fight Godzilla! Barch I'll cost twice as
much!
Gore:Godzilla doesn't exist in this TV show.
Clinton:Gore are you on drugs are something?
Clinton:Shes gonna blow up the world if we don't listen to her demands!
Buzzcut:So?(rolls his eyes)The world sucks it should be blown up.
Clinton:Thats were you come in bro.
Buzzcut:Call me bro again, like were in some SYMBOTIC relationship and I will be forced to throw you
up against a wall!
Clinton:Sorry, but we need you to go and kill her. Your the only one who can.
Buzzcut:Whats my motivation? Shes never done anything to me.
Clinton(Annoyed):Oh, is Buzzcut AFRAID?!
(Buzzcut's face turns red. He lunges at Clinton and throws him against the wall.)
General Powell:Buzzcut, claim your *ss down. We'll pay you triple.
Buzzcut(silent for a second):Deal. But before I go off to save the world I have a list of DEMANDS!!!!
Powell:DEMANDS?!
Buzzcut:One:I want a solid gold house.
Powell:Done
Buzzcut:I want Beavis and Butthead excuted.
Powell:Done
Buzzcut:Three:I want my face on every one of the world's currencies.
Powell:That'll be tough but it can be done.
Buzzcut:Finally:CANCEL PARTY OF FIVE, 90210, REAL WORLD, ROAD RULES AND BARNEY!
Powell:Thats outright impossible! We'd have a rebellion!
Buzzcut:And if their is I'll THROW those REBELS TO JUPITER!
Powell(Considers for a moment):Done.
Buzzcut:Send for my parachute.

(Cut to Ms Barch's torture chamber. Upchuck is bloody and looks likeHell.)
Upchuck:You'll never break me.
Barch:Oh really?!
Upchuck:Uhhh yeah you'll break me.
Barch:I want to see you squirm.
(Upchuck feebley trys to squirm. Barch turns on a giant TV screen. Much like one at a baseball stadium.
A group of U.N. leaders appears.)
Barch:Alright to prove I'm not bluffing to you MEN I will denotate one of my prized bombs.
U.N. Member #1:Oh mi gawd you vapourized south park!
U.N. Member #2:You bastard!
Barch: Shut up you MALE PIGS! (The UN members flinch.)Here are my demands: 1:All men are to be
nuetured except for a select group which will be used as breeders. 2:All men will die after age 18, they'll have
outlived their usefulness by then. 3:All women shall be placed above men at all times. 4:I will rule the
world and enjoy unlimited power.(Raises her voice to a roar)UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
U.N. Member #1:We have no choice but to submit.
U.N. Member #2:I say I fight back.
Barch:For that I'm nuking the UN building.
(The door to the room is kicked down. Buzzcut enters.)
Barch:Get out of her you you MAN!!!!!!!!!
(Buzzcut nearly flinches but restrains himself. His face begins to turn red.)
Buzzcut:I'm her to stop you. (Close up on his face.)Yeah thats my speech!
Barch:Get outta her before I bust out on you!
Buzzcut:My name is Bradley Buzzcut. YOU will call me MISTER BUZZCUT OR....
(That sets Barch off. She attacks Buzzcut and they start duking it out.)
Upchuck:Hey Buzzcut theirs the Goodyear blimp.
Buzzcut:(Turns his head)WHERE?!!!(Starts looking about in confusion)
Barch:Judo chop baby!(Gets in a series of punches in the moment of Buzzcut's distraction. Then picks
him up and prepares to throw him.)Hope its hot enough for you in HELL.(She throws Buzzcut, he is knocked through the wall.)
Buzzcut(Flying over the horizon)I'llllllll BEEEEEEEE BACCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
Barch:No one can stop me NOW!

IS THE WORLD DOOMED........?????
Buzzcut Versus Barch
(After years of defending the world from all manner of evils Buzzcut must travel to Lawndale to do what no MAN would ever try, something even God would be afraid to do!)

Start here:Lawndale halls. Enter upchuck and Daria/Jane

Upchuck:Rrrrowwwlllll Fiesty!
Jane:(Smiling evily)Hey Upchuck I want to hook you up my good friend Lorena
Upchuck:Realllllyyyyy(Licking his lips)
Daria:Naw, to cut it off he'd need it first.
Upchuck:Huh?
(Enter Barch)
Barch:Hey you've met Lorena? She was my best student.(laughs evilly)
Upchuck(Realization dawns on face. Runs away.Barch grabs him punches him in the face to knock him out, then drags him off.)
Daria:Wonder what that was that was about?
Jane:I don't think he'll be saying Fiestyyyy(imitates Upchuck) anytime soon.
Daria:Wanna get a pizza:?
Jane:Okay.

(Cut to interrogation room in Barch's house. Upchuck is spread out on a rack wearing just his boxers.)
Barch:Okay mister ladies man lets see how you like some drain cleaner poured DOWN YOUR THROAT.(Close up on Upchuck's face, a look of pure agony.)Upchuck:Noooo!!!!Not again!!!!!!
Barch:Shut up you MAN!(Gets in his face)
Upchuck:This is cruel and unusual punishment!!!
Barch:See this(Holds up a copy of Bikini Island magazine)
Upchuck:ohhhh(Eyes widen horribley)
(Barch lights the dirty magazine on fire. Upchuck wails like a banshee. Barch laughs horribley.)
Barch:Now. If your gonna want to leave this place your gonna do what I say.
Upchuck:PLeazzzzzzz(looking very pathetic.)I'lldo anythinggggg
Barch:Your a smart little boy aren't you?
Upchuck:Yes Ma'am
Barch:Your gonna be my hostage.
Upchuck:Hostage?
Barch:I'm toppling this oppressive MALE world order once and for all.
Upchuck:Get real, even YOU can't kill every man.
Barch:Wanna bet? (Barch walks over to a table. There are decapitated action figures and something under a sheet.)
Upchuck:Whats under that?
Barch:(Pulls away the cover to reveal a computer consul.)This is a computer that is linked to the Governments weapon systems. Thanks to a drunk MALE at missle command.com I was able to get the launch codes. Check it out.(Types in some numbers on the screen. A voice says: Yes Mister President?) Stupid MEN!
Upchuck:You can't get away with this.(He says slowly.)
Barch:Oh really(walks over to a closet. Opens door to reveal a battered, terrified James Bond and Superman.They are tied up. Barch begins to laugh.)No one can stop me now!

(Cut to Oval Office. A panicked President Clinton is pacing back in forth. Various government and military officials are gathered.)
Clinton:Ms Barch on the rampage! May God have pity on this country!
Al Gore:My old buddy Mr O Neill lives in Lawndale. He might be able to reason with her.
Clinton:NO ONE CAN REASON WITH THAT THAT BI-
Al gore:Cut that talk! We live in a family TV show!
Clinton:TV show...what kinda sh*t are you talking?
General:(To Gore)Were here to talk about how to stop Barch not to debate metaphysics.
Al Gore:Sorry
Clinton:General Powell. Your the smart one here, what DO WE DO?
Colin Powell:I've a got a plan.
Clinton:You'd better. I don't want Barch to get ahold of me after all those adultury(Suddenly looks embarraseed)... er... allegeded infidelity charges...
General Powell:I want to met a man who might be able to help us. Bring him in boys.(Door opens. Mister DeMartino enters, he is bound in a straightjacket, badly wounded and flanked by a dozen armed Secret Service Men.)Take the muzzle off him.(They do)
Clinton:You brought this FREAK in the WHITE HOUSE!
DeMartino:I am Anthony DeMARTINO history TEACHER at LAWNDALE high school.
Powell:To make a long story short hes a crackhead who attacked the White House this morning with a gun. He was hyped up on PCP and it took half a dozen agents to put him down.
DeMartino:Don't think I don't sympathize with you! I know FIRSTHAND the horrors of MS BARCH!
(Looks greatly afraid and glances over his shoulder.)Shes made my life WORSE THAN HELL!
Al Gore:That doesn't explain trying to shoot your way in here!(He looks ready to hit DeMArtino)
DeMartino:(Looks away. Hes afraid of setting Gore off on him)Sure it does(He says in a weak voice clearly different than his usual tone)It was the only way to get your attention.
Clinton:You really are a nutcase. Take em' away boys.
DeMartino:NO its TRUE. I've written letter after LETTER BEGGING you to kick BARCH out of THE COUNTRY!
Clinton: Get out!
Al Gore:Shut up Clinton.(Clinton cowers instinctively)Why are you here?
DeMArtino:I might know how to deal with that that BARCH.
Al Gore:Keep talkin'
DeMartino:There is someone who might MIGHT be TOUGH enough to DEFEAT BARCH!
Clinton(Suddenly brightens):Who?
DeMartino:His name is Buzzcut. Bradley Buzzcut.
Clinton:What could he do?
DeMArtino:Hes got b*lls of TITATIUM ALLOY! Heres his business card.(Hands it to Clinton)

It reads: Buzzcut,Bradley. Age 42. Unorthidox Gym teacher at Highland, Texas. Marine Corps Special Forces in Vietnam, winner of Silver Star and Navy Cross. Went to Hell to kill Satan and succeded. Call 768-876 for security, riot control or killing B-Movie monsters.

Clinton:Hes our man. But if he doesn't suceed(his voice becomes ominious)we will be forced to NUCLEAR WEAPONS to defeat Barch. And as for you DeMartino your going to prison for about 900 years, but since you've been so helpful it'll be an all-male prison.
DeMartino:THANK YOU!

(Cut to pizza place. Daria and Jane are eating pizza. You can see National Guard and police through the
windows, though the two seem obvious of it)
Daria:What happened to Upchuck? He should be here staring at Brittany by now.
Jane:The same thing that happened to Johnny Bobbit. You shouldn't have suggested that to Miss Barch
Daria:Hey, you gonna make a painting about that?
Jane:(Sarcastically)Very funny. Seriously though, not while were eating.
(Kevin and Brittany walk over)
Daria:Um, the football games not over at this table.\
Kevin:Really?(Brittany socks him)Oww!
Brittany:Theres something wrong with Ms Barch
Jane:Her ex husband came back from Australia?
Kevin:No man, shes like, pyscho-ed out. The armys got her house surrounded.
Daria:Ha, ha.
Jane:I always knew this was gonna happen.(Daria, Kevin and Brittany look at her strangely) Shes gotten
into nuclear launch codes. She gave that speech on it last year remember? The one called Bringing
Down those (imitates Barch's voice) FASIST,MALE,PIGS.
Brittany:Whats that mean?(Twirls her hair)
Daria:(Speaks slowly, as if talking to a small child)World go BOOM!
Brittany:Oh noooo! This is gonna ruin my whole day! (Makes noises)
Kevin:Cool. So does this mean that'll I'll be the last man alive?
Jane:For the speak of the human gene pool I sure hope not.
Daria:Yeah, Radiation would be mutating enough.
(The four walk outside)
Jane:How are we gonna get their?
Kevin:My car. Since theirs only two seats though you'll have to ride in the trunk.
Daria:How bout if you ride in the truck with BRITTANY(widens her eyes)Its really DARK in their.
Brittany:Yea!
Kevin:cool.

(Cut to White House basement. Buzzcut is surrounded by a phalanx of government goons)
Clinton:Can you defeat Barch?
Buzzcut:Barch?!(Looks at Gore angrlily) You told me I was gonna fight Godzilla! Barch I'll cost twice as
much!
Gore:Godzilla doesn't exist in this TV show.
Clinton:Gore are you on drugs are something?
Clinton:Shes gonna blow up the world if we don't listen to her demands!
Buzzcut:So?(rolls his eyes)The world sucks it should be blown up.
Clinton:Thats were you come in bro.
Buzzcut:Call me bro again, like were in some SYMBOTIC relationship and I will be forced to throw you
up against a wall!
Clinton:Sorry, but we need you to go and kill her. Your the only one who can.
Buzzcut:Whats my motivation? Shes never done anything to me.
Clinton(Annoyed):Oh, is Buzzcut AFRAID?!
(Buzzcut's face turns red. He lunges at Clinton and throws him against the wall.)
General Powell:Buzzcut, claim your *ss down. We'll pay you triple.
Buzzcut(silent for a second):Deal. But before I go off to save the world I have a list of DEMANDS!!!!
Powell:DEMANDS?!
Buzzcut:One:I want a solid gold house.
Powell:Done
Buzzcut:I want Beavis and Butthead excuted.
Powell:Done
Buzzcut:Three:I want my face on every one of the world's currencies.
Powell:That'll be tough but it can be done.
Buzzcut:Finally:CANCEL PARTY OF FIVE, 90210, REAL WORLD, ROAD RULES AND BARNEY!
Powell:Thats outright impossible! We'd have a rebellion!
Buzzcut:And if their is I'll THROW those REBELS TO JUPITER!
Powell(Considers for a moment):Done.
Buzzcut:Send for my parachute.

(Cut to Ms Barch's torture chamber. Upchuck is bloody and looks likeHell.)
Upchuck:You'll never break me.
Barch:Oh really?!
Upchuck:Uhhh yeah you'll break me.
Barch:I want to see you squirm.
(Upchuck feebley trys to squirm. Barch turns on a giant TV screen. Much like one at a baseball stadium.
A group of U.N. leaders appears.)
Barch:Alright to prove I'm not bluffing to you MEN I will denotate one of my prized bombs.
U.N. Member #1:Oh mi gawd you vapourized south park!
U.N. Member #2:You bastard!
Barch: Shut up you MALE PIGS! (The UN members flinch.)Here are my demands: 1:All men are to be
nuetured except for a select group which will be used as breeders. 2:All men will die after age 18, they'll have
outlived their usefulness by then. 3:All women shall be placed above men at all times. 4:I will rule the
world and enjoy unlimited power.(Raises her voice to a roar)UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
U.N. Member #1:We have no choice but to submit.
U.N. Member #2:I say I fight back.
Barch:For that I'm nuking the UN building.
(The door to the room is kicked down. Buzzcut enters.)
Barch:Get out of her you you MAN!!!!!!!!!
(Buzzcut nearly flinches but restrains himself. His face begins to turn red.)
Buzzcut:I'm her to stop you. (Close up on his face.)Yeah thats my speech!
Barch:Get outta her before I bust out on you!
Buzzcut:My name is Bradley Buzzcut. YOU will call me MISTER BUZZCUT OR....
(That sets Barch off. She attacks Buzzcut and they start duking it out.)
Upchuck:Hey Buzzcut theirs the Goodyear blimp.
Buzzcut:(Turns his head)WHERE?!!!(Starts looking about in confusion)
Barch:Judo chop baby!(Gets in a series of punches in the moment of Buzzcut's distraction. Then picks
him up and prepares to throw him.)Hope its hot enough for you in HELL.(She throws Buzzcut, he is knocked through the wall.)
Buzzcut(Flying over the horizon)I'llllllll BEEEEEEEE BACCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
Barch:No one can stop me NOW!

IS THE WORLD DOOMED........?????