Buzzcut Versus Barch (2/3)
With our hero down for the count Barch prepares to conquer the globe...
(Buzzcut lands in the pits of Hell. A demonic imp stands in the background.)
Buzzcut:Damn that Barch is scarier than Satan!
Imp:Hey your that marine guy who killed the great one!
Buzzcut:Damn straight you panzy-@ss! Now get me outta here!
Imp:We'll tear you to shreds!
Buzzcut(face reddens):I DO THE @SS KICKING IN THIS UNIVERSE!
Buzzcut:You will call me MISTER BUZZCUT!
Imp:Um, alright, okay mister Buzzcut person.
Buzzcut:Now take me back to Earth!
(The demon snaps its fingers. They are standing in a prison made out of bones. Alot of
other demons, some armed with flaming swords stand guard.)
Buzzcut:What the HELL!?
Imp(to a huge demon who has the head of Nixon):I captured him master!
Imp:So do I get a raise?
(Cut to the oval office. The same group of people is there.)
Clinton:(afraid)Buzzcut has failed we are doomed!(looks to the ground) Anybody seen my
Goon:You appear to have left them at that Taylor girl's house.
Gore:So what do we do about Barch?
Clinton:(sadly)We nuke Lawndale.
General Powell:Or we change the channel.
Gore:Now you see the light.
(A aging navy admiral walks in the room.)
Clinton:Who the Hell are you?
Admiral:I am Judas Kruskov, ex-Navy SEAL.
Clinton:(confused by military stuff)Uh, yeah. Whats up?
Judas:I know where Buzzcut is.
Judas:Barch threw him into Hell. We'll have to go in after him. I will personally lead the
Clinton:Who'd be crazy enough to go into Hell
Judas(Grins):Oh, I can find volunteers. Just get me one plane ticket to Lawndale. I'll bet
there would be a some people who we could use. And if their aren't I know this football
player whos stupid enough.
Colin Powell:So we won't be nuking Lawndale?
Clinton:Of course we will.
(Cut to outside Ms Barch's house. The national guard still has it surrounded.)
Daria:Their goes our last hope.
Jane:I never knew Ms Barch was that strong.
Kevin:What happened to that loud guy?
Daria:Hes in hell now.
Judas(standing behind them):You have no idea how true that is.
Jane:Ah! Don't sneak up on me like that!
Daria:Who are you?
Judas:Kruskov, Judas Kruskov. Three star admiral.
Brittany(Nervous):Excuse me but aren't those navy guys...
Judas:Some are, most aren't. Anyways people we need a group of people who will follow me
into Hell to rescue Buzzcut.
Judas:Glad your in. We'll need your mighty skull.
Jane:You know about that?
Judas(Nervous):The Navy told anybody this but Kevin here is a product of...(looks over his
shoulder paranoicly)...genetic engineering. We MADE his skull this that thick and we made
him that dumb. He was designed to be a battering ram. Eventually Kevin here would have
been drafted and we would be using him to force open doors for our Special Forces teams.
Kevin:Uh, cool. I guess.
Daria(Angry):Thats cruel and unsual punishment! Giving someone Kevin's intelligence.
Jane:I know. I always thought Kevin was a mistake..
Jane:But creating him that way just isn't right.
Brittany:Um, excuse me mister Admiral sir. But could you create more Kevins?
Judas:As many as needed.
Daria:So there really are things man wasn't meant to know.
Judas:So are you in Daria? We need your sarcasim.
Daria:How the Hell do you know so much about us?
Judas:I have my ways. (Pause) We'll give you a years supply of free pizza.
Jane:Whats my motivation again?
Judas:Think of all the paintings you could come up with in Hell.
Brittany:Lets go team!
Daria:Oh, yeah. One last question. Can we leave her there?(Points to Brittany)
Judas:I'll see what I can do.
(Cut to inside Barch's torture chamber.)
Upchuck:Can I go now?
Upchuck:Is that a no?
Barch:Shut up you you MAN!
Upchuck:(Proudly)No. You've already done everything you can to me.
Barch:Hmmmm.(Thinking) You know what, I can do more..
Upchuck(Afraid):UmmmmBarch(on the phone):Yes bring in the fashion club.
(enter Sandi, Tiffani, Staci and Quinn)
Barch:He he he
Upchuck:What are you goin to do?
Barch:I was thinking of castarating you.
Quinn:Is that when you put someone in a body cast or something.
Tiffani:Body cast? How out of date.
Staci:Um, yeah.(rolls eyes)
Upchuck:So what are you going to do?
Barch:Torture you with what you can't have.
Barch:Your gonna drool so much that you'll die of dehydration.
(Cut to space. A sattilite is firing a cluster of nuclear warheads at the North
American Continent. Cut back to Hell. Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany and Judas are at the
gates of Hell.)
Imp:Okay what did ya do?
Brittany:This place needs a new decorator.
Judas:I'm going to commit justifiable demicide right about now...
Imp:Whoa dude huh huh calm down.
Daria:Oh, no. Butthead?!
Butthead/Imp:Huh huh in the flesh baby.
Daria:What are you doing here?
Butthead:Some guy called Peter looked at my permeanat record or something and he didn't
Kevin:Like, let me in or I'm gonna floor ya!
Judas:Do you where Buzzcut is?
Butthead:(Turns pale):HES HERE!?(Runs off screaming)
Jane:I expected that to be harder.
Judas:Hell's security is overrated. Lets go.
(A buff demon in fatigues walks up)
Jane:Who are you?
Garry:Don't you remember me?
Jane:Its over Garry. Accept that.
Garry:Dammit! Dammit! Son ofa Bitch! SONNA BITCH SOONNA BITCH!
(Judas smacks him)
Judas:You get away from the nice young lady.
Garry:Whoa, sorry old dude.
(Judas smacks him again)
Garry:Oww! Dammit! I'm gonna make your life a living hell!
Daria:Your not very observant are you?
(Garry strecthes out his hand, a gout of flame is hurled towards them, it hits Kevin and
Brittany and they are incinerated. Daria, Jane and Judas run away, Judas grabbing Kevin's
Jane:Why do you have that?
Judas:So we don't lose his DNA samples. So we can create more..er..another one.
(Cut to Buzzcut)
Buzzcut:Nixon? What the hell are you doing here?
Nixon:God imprisoned me for lying.(looks around)Quote me on that and you die.
Buzzcut(Laughs):I'd like to see you TRY!
Nixon:Okay. Um, where are my goons...
Buzzcut:(Arrogant)Naw this would be too easy.(Lays down)
Nixon:Get up and fight somebody!
Buzzcut(Takes off his shirt)I'm gonna work on my tan.
Buzzcut:Might as well use all this heat for something constructive.
Nixon:I'm a Demon Lord! When I say you will fight you WILL!
Buzzcut(Even more arrogant):Block my view and your dead.
(Cut to Lawndale. Three seconds later the city vanishes in a mushroom cloud.
Cut to the ashes of Lawndale. Nothing is moving or stirring.)
Barch(Emerging from the holocaust with a nimbus of flicking green light)
Must destroy mankind! (Begins leviataing) Hey I've MUTATED! And all
the MEN are dead! I always knew those Y chromosomes wouldn't survive
the apocalyspe. Well time to see what I can do...
(Cut to the White House. The usual crowd of government officials is there)
Clinton:Oh no! Oh no! Wheres Hillary!? I need someone to hide behind!
(Al Gore walks in wearing his old army uniform)Gore:Settle down Clinton!
Powell:Really Clinton, get a life.(light bulb appears near head)Hey I got an idea.
Al Gore:(Annoyed):Calm down or I'll be forced to take over as president.
Clinton;Don't make my wife kick your ass.
Gore:My wife can beat up your wife.
Powell:Shut up or I'll whip both of your white asses!
Clinton:Wheres Mister T when we need him?
General:Please let mister Powell speak.
Gore(to nameless general)
:Hey, who are you anyway?
General:I am Bridagier General James Karlson. US Marines.
Powell:Well do you have any ideas?
James:Sure do. We stick Gore in front of Barch, he has no emotions and
as such will not scare.
Powell:Good plan. But what do we do about Barch?
James:We must hope Buzzcut gets back.
Clinton:What do we do about me?
Powell:We get Hillary to protect you.(smirks)Dominatrix versus
Clinton:(Offended)She does not dominate me!
Powell:Whatever you say Mr President.
(Cut back to Hell. Daria, Jane and Judas are standing at the gates of
Daria:Who are you?
Demon:You don't recognize the mustache?
Jane:Oh, I know you. You were some painter along time ago.
Demon:I am the fuhrer!
Jane:(sadly)You should have stayed a artist.
Hitler:(Looks down at ground)I know. But they didn't let me into art school
so I went crazy.
Jane:Well, let us in.
Hitler:Hmm well it is my duty to keep you out, but Nixon sucks so yeah.
Hitler:Hes been in charge since 79'
Judas:Hitler, your lucky your a demon. Otherwise I would kick your ass.
(Hitler tackles Judas. They get in a fight. Jane and Daria walk into the cell.)
Nixon:Dammit! Get up!
Buzzcut:(Stands up)You think your all tough cause your the king of Hell.
Well I am Mister Buzzcut. King of corporal punishment. (Stares at Nixon.
Buzzcut's eyes narrow. He grins evily.)Lets box!
Jane(Taking in the landscape):I have got to paint this what with all
the bones and fire...
Daria:Mister Nixon. If he could kick Satan's ass its a sure bet he can kick
Nixon:I'll be going...(Buzzcut grabs him and commences pounding.)
Daria:(Trying to look away):This ain't pretty.
(Nixon has been beaten to a bloody pulp. Buzzcut is surrounded by
a nimbus of flame.)
Buzzcut:Ha!Ha!Ha! I have DEMONIC POWER!
Jane:Cool. Hey stand over there.
Buzzcut:Yes, paint the glory that is BUZZCUT.
Daria:Don't we have a world to save?
Buzzcut:Let your friend paint!
The Conclusion to this Epic in Part III...