Buzzcut Versus Barch (3/3)
by GiantJ8009

The final showdown between the forces of evil
and err...a lesser evil...

(Cut to the white house. Barch is descending from the skies)
James:Damn, that woman makes me more nervous than a one-legged man in
an ass-kicking contest.
Al Gore:Panic is not logical.
(Gore pulls on his skin. He pulls off his "head" to reveal that he is Mr Spock.)
James:(REALLY confused)Damn! This universe is too nuts for me! (Runs off)
Gore:How else did you think I could be so devoid of emotions?
Spock/gore:I will deal with her.
(Barch lands in front of Gore)
Barch:You pointed eared MAN!
Gore(Calmly):Vulcans are not afraid. Fear is illogical.
Barch:Dammit! Your supposed to be afraid!(Begins to growl)
(Gore attempts to use the Vulcan deathgrip. But Barch kicks him in the
Barch:I guess vulcans only show emotions when you kick em' in the nads.
Gore:Pain is not logical.
Barch:Dammit! Show some fear!
(A portal opens and Buzzcut, Daria and Jane step out)
Buzzcut:Your through, um, uh, whats her name?
Buzzcut:Right Ms Morgendoffer! Your through Barch!
Barch:I am now a super-Barch!(Throws Gore aside)
(Buzzcut begins levitating. flames flicker around him)
Buzzcut:You will bend to my DEMONIC MIGHT!
Gore:This universe is not logical. (To the sky)BEAM ME UP!
(Gore is beamed up)
Jane:Bradley, you must stop her NOW!
Buzzcut(Calmly):Why? I'm just getting warmed up.
Jane:Because Sick Sad World's about to start, oh and
shes about to kill the president...
(Barch grabs Clinton by the neck)
Barch:You will die MAN!
Buzzcut:You kill him and I will rip you apart!
(The police and national guard begin surrounding the capitol)
SWAT TEAM:You have ten seconds to release the president...
Barch:You do ANYTHING and he DIES!
SWAT TEAM:Okay guys, open fire!
Daria:Oh, dear gawd!
Jane:As much as I'd like to paint this death and destruction I'm
afraid I'll have to run.(Begins running)
(The SWAT team fires a bazooka at them. it misses and hits the
White House, demolishing it)
Clinton:He he he. Did I metion thats were all the evid- uh,
thats were all the
Barch:SHUT UP!
Daria:God you guys are dumb.
SWAT TEAM:Get down!
(Daria and Jane are smart. They take cover. The cops
spray the area with bullets.)
Barch:You DIE!
Butthead(Offstage):Lets rock!
(A volley of tennis balls hits Barch)
Butthead(With a tennis ball launcher):
This is the coolest game I've ever played.
Jane:(Equally stunned):Thats a NAME?
Daria:His mom was high at the time.
Barch(Drops Clinton and flies at Butthead)ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buzzcut(Looks around):Will anybody SAVE him!?
Daria:Uh, your the hero here.
Buzzcut:Oh, yeah.(Breaks out a canopener)You will face my WRATH!
(Barch and Buzzcut fight. They begin beating the hell out of eachother)
Jane:Another masterpiece(Begins painting).
Daria:Dammit! Wheres my camera! This is worth good money on
pay per view.
Jane:Or the Jerry Springer show.
(Daria, Jane, Clinton, Powell and the police watch the fight.
Suddenly a group of attack fighters swoop in and fire missles which
miss the two and destroy the Washington Monument.)
Daria:Military intelligence, one of those great contradictions in

(Cut to the bridge of the Star Ship enterprise)
Captain Prichard:Damn that Barch is scary!
Spock:Your telling ME!
Prichard:I thought Vulcans never fealt fear!
Spock:So did I
Prichard:You over there!
Star Ship Guy:Yeah!
Prichard:Fire Photon torpedos!
Guy:Yes sir!
(Cut to the enterprise firing those torpedo things at Earth)
Guy:Oh shit!
Guy:We just hit New York!
Spock:I thought we never miss things.
Prichard:In our own TV show we don't, but this is MTV if you
haven't noticed.
Prichard:Haven't you noticed were animated now?
Guy:I thought that was some weird time space temporal fold anomalyie.
Prichard:Whats that mean?
Guy:Don't know. We just make stuff up as we go on, remeber?
Prichard:Oh, yeah
Spock(To self):Humans are stupid. Any Vulcan would realize this
whole story is to weird to be reality.

(Cut back to Earth)
General Powell:(Into cell phone)I'm telling you, I don't know what
happened to the statue of liberty!
(Buzzcut and Barch are bloody and tired but are still fighting)
Barch:You can't win your a MAN!
Buzzcut:I haven't begun to fight!
Daria:Well now would be a good time to start.
Barch(To self):You lived through 22 years of legal slavery.
You can kill this chauvanistic pig.
Buzzcut(To self):Your a Marine. You can withstand anything.
Butthead:This is cool. Huh huh huh huh
Daria(Bored):So Butthead, what have you been up to this
past year?
Butthead:Uh, we squahed bugs huh huh huh and I scored huh
huh hhh hhhuuhh uhhhuhuuhhuh and I kicked Beavises ass
and we spanked our monkeys huhuhhuhhuhhuhh
Daria:You sure haven't changed much. (Smiles)Wanna meet my
sister Quinn?
Daria(Remembers):Oh yeah she got nuked.
Jane:You guys are too evenly matched.
Barch and Buzzcut:So?!
Barch:Alright you chavunist pig..
Buzzcut:I am not sexist you hell-spawned-dominatrix...
Barch:I was messed up by men before I started hitting back..
Buzzcut:Hey I had nothing to do with that loser! Nether did
Clinton, Gore or uh whats your again?
Buzzcut:Right. So get over it god-dammit!
Butthead:Uh huh huh huh
Barch:Shut up!
Buzzcut:Hes a stupid, weak, filthy pervert.
Buzzcut and Barch:People like that suck.
Barch:You think so?
Buzzcut:Yeah I do. Hey, lets go beat up Butthead.
Butthead(Afraid):I'm dead! Huh uh huh uhhuh
(Buzzcut and Barch kick Butthead's ass. )
Buzzcut:That was easy enough
Barch:Yeah that was
Buzzcut:Hey, lets go kick some more ass.
Barch:Theres a world of punks out there.
(They walk off)
Clinton:Hey you guys are in trouble!
Buzzcut:No Were not
Clinton:(Afraid):Uh, okay
Daria:This has been a strange day..
Jane:No weirder than the average Jerry Springer episode.
Daria:Oh my god! Were missin sick sad world!
Jane:Your right!
(They run off. Cut to alter-egos and Soundgarden's "Superunknown")

If this isn't what you see
It doesn't make you blind
If this doesn't make you feel
It doesn't mean you've died
Where the rivers high
Where the rivers high

Alive in the Superunknown
First it steals your mind

If you don't want to be seen
You don't have to hide
If you don't want to believe
You don't have to try
To feel alive

Alive in the superknown
First it steals your mind

If this doesn't make you free
It doesn't mean your tied
If this doesn't take you down
It doesn't mean your high
If this doesn't make you smile
You don't have to cry
If this doen't make sense
It doesn't make it lies

Alive in the superknown
Alive in the superknown
First it steals it your mind

Get yourself afraid
Get yourself alone
Get yourself afraid
Get yourself alone

Alive in the superknown(Repeat)
First it steals your mind
And then it steals your...soul


President Clinton went back to the attentions of his
bimbo brigade and forgot the matter

General Powell retired from the Army and decided to work
at a youth center in LA. He gave perticular empathisis to combatting
sexism, in hopes that another Barch would never rise again.

James was another casulity of the superknown

Buzzcut and Barch kicked many asses. It was cool.
Eventually after figuring out they were the same type of person
they got married and together were running Lawndale in a month.

Butthead got his ass kicked by Beavis for stealing Beavis's
tennis ball launcher that he stole from Lawndale Country Club

Daria and Jane missed that episode of Sick Sad World

Kevin was cloned by the Navy who hadn't given up on the idea
of using him as a living battering ram.

Admiral Kruskov eventually escaped Hell. Then got trapped
in the superknown.

Soundgarden disbanded dammit!

The Crew of the Star Ship Enterprise obiliterated Los Angeles, New York,
London, Paris and Toyko in their attempts to destroy Barch. They eventually
gave up on the idea as all their Photon Torpedos had been programmed
to miss by some drunk crewmember. They eventually went back to their
own TV show.

DeMartino escaped from prison and joined his brother Steven in
the Postal Service. They went AWOL to Mexico with their mail

Everybody else lived cynically ever after.

The End

The Shows Daria, Beavis and Butthead and Star Trek are obliviously
not mine so don't sue me for that. The song Superknown is property of

Idea:Ever since I saw MTV animation stuff I thought Buzzcut was cool. You
can check out my "Salute to Buzzcut", Buzzcut's only home on the web. When
I first saw Daria I hated Barch and wished somebody on that show would
teach her a leason about respecting other's right not to have their asses
kicked. Unfortunately no one on Daria was tough enough so I turned to
BUZZCUT for help. So I put two and two together. And I came up with
this weird crap. I wanted a battle of truely Olympian porportians so I made
Buzzcut and Barch into god-like forces. The rest was an insult to history.


Check out my website or something. Its linked to Poor Pathetic Daria Page.
Tell me what you think. Don't expect me to find all the loose ends and
mistakes in this story, I don't know if God could. Hasta La Vista!