Episode I: The Fashion Menace
I?ve gotten such great feedback on my last Daria crossover fanfic, Sarcasm of
Titanic Proportions, that I?ve decided to write another. Predictably, Episodes IV, V, and
VI will follow. Don?t pester me to write eps II and III. How can I possibly write a parody
of movies not made yet? If you hunger for closure, pester George Lucas to make the
Amy-Won Kenobi: Amy Barksdale Senator Rita Palpatine/Darth Hideous: Rita Barksdale
Queen Barksdale: Marianne (Helen?s assistant) Handmaiden Helen: Helen
Paul (from the episode ?I don?t?)
Master Yo-Duh: Jane Lane
Jake Skywalker: Jake Morgandorffer
Fashion Viceroy: Sandi Griffin
Viceroy?s second-in-command: Tiffany Wu
Chancellor O?niel: Timothy O?niel
Stacey-3PO Stacey Niblet
Watto-Sebulba-Jake?s father: (combined role) ?Mad Dog? Morgandorffer
Boss DeMartino: Anthony DeMartino
Captain Schrecter: Eric Shcrecter (Helen?s boss)
R-Ted-D-Ted: Ted Dewitt-Clinton
**from C.E. Forman?s fanfic ?Alienation Legacy?. Used with permission.
(screen is black until the following blue words appear)
Not too long ago................in a galaxy in Matt?s mind............that?s way, way
(John William?s? ?Star Wars? music begins playing as the following words appear)
EPISODE I: THE FASHION MENACE (Storyline scrolls upwards towards the screen)
It is a very troubled time in the Galactic Republic. Fashion, popularity, and stylishness
have overrun all
aspects of the Senate. The highly popular FASHION FEDERATION has imposed an impenetrable
blockade to stop all trading routes to the small isolated planet of Naboo. While the
crisis is debated
endlessly in the Senate, Supreme Chancellor O?Niel has dispensed Cynic Knights, the
guardians of free
thinking and sanity in the
republic to settle the dispute...................
(words fade as a vast shot of space is seen. A moment later a starship rockets past the
camera. Camera pans left to follow it. The ship approaches a planet surrounded by ships.)
(Cut to inside the ship where a hooded Elli-Gon Jinn addresses the pilot)
ELLI-GON: Ask them for permission to board.
PILOT: (hits a few buttons. A view screen activates and we see Sandi?s face appear) The
honorable ambassadors to the chancellor wish to board.
SANDI: All right. But our blockade is like, totally legal, or whatever.
(The ship flies into a docking bay and two hooded figures disembark, they walk through
the bay, being gazed at all the battle droids, who looks suspiciously like the three J?s,
door. they are greeted by a protocol droid who looks exactly like Ms. Defoe)
DROID: I?m TC-14. This way, please.
(The two figures follow the droid into a waiting room)
DROID: Please wait here. my master will be with you shortly.
(The two figures remove their hoods and they?re faces are clearly seen. They are
undoubtedly Elli-Gon Jinn and Amy-Won Kenobi. Elli-Gon is in her forties, while
Amy-Won is in her late teens.)
AMY-WON: I?ve got a bad feeling about this...................
ELLI-GON: I know what you mean................All this fashion stuff, (sticks her
AMY-WON: Not about the mission, master..............something else..............like
something dreadful is about to happen.
ELLI-GON: (looks into the camera) That?s called ?foreshadowing?, kids. (looks back at
Amy-Won) Don?t get all weak in the knees on me, Amy-Won. Worry about the
AMY-WON: But Master Yo-Duh said to be mindful of the future.
ELLI-GON: (sighs) Yes, but not at the expense of the moment. You?ve still much to
learn, young smartass. Keep your mind on where you are, not where you?re going.
AMY-WON: Yes, Master. (pause) How do you think this fashion Viceroy will deal with
the chancellor?s demands?
ELLI-GON: Are you kidding? These fashionable types talk tough, but when we tell them
that the chancellor said they?ll get no more funding for new outfits if they don?t clear
of here, they?ll run away screaming.
(Both chuckle a bit. Cut to shot of the bridge, where Sandi and her second-in-command,
Tiffany are addressing the Defoe Droid.)
SANDI: What?! What did you say?!
DEFOE DROID: The ambassadors are Cynic Knights, I believe.
SANDI: They?re here to like, force us to settle.
TIFFANY: That?s soooooooooo wrong!
SANDI: Really. We?re only doing this so the people of Naboo will learn from their
mistakes and start dressing more fashionably. When they do, we?ll leave on our own.
TIFFANY: What can we do? They?re like waiting for us................
SANDI: Go distract them or something. I?ll call Darth Hideous.
TIFFANY: Me? hang out with two Cynic Knights?! No way...............they?re so geeky.
And their clothes...............
SANDI: All right. (looking at the droid) We?ll like, send a droid.
(Cut to a shot of the waiting room. Amy-Won looks at her watch as the droid returns
AMY-WON: What the hell is taking so long?
ELLI-GON: I don?t know, but this ?fashionably late? attitude of theirs is starting to
(Cut back to the bridge Where Sandi and Tiffany stand before a cloaked holographic
figure. Dark, ominous music plays in the background.)
TIFFANY: Like, this blockade thing is over............we?re no match for those ?brains?
(The cloaked figure, who is none other than Rita Palpatine in disguise, scowls at
RITA: Viceroy, I don?t want to see this ?fashionable? wimp again! (pause composes
herself.) This is unfortunate, we will have to accelerate our plans. Begin landing your
SANDI: (suprised) Uh, isn?t that sort of..............illegal?
RITA: (scowling again) Yes! But I?ll handle the Senate. You handle those two Cynic
SANDI: Like, How?
RITA: I don?t care! Just do it.................(image fades)
SANDI: Like what do these two look like?
(a nearby droid projects their images on the floor. Sandi and Tiffany look terrified)
SANDI: Like, we have to destroy them!
TIFFANY: And burn those robes!
SANDI: Really. And why do they wear glasses?! We like, live in a futuristic society,
should just get laser treatment or something.
(Sandi goes to a control console and presses a button. Cut to a shot of the docking
Laser cannons fire repeatedly and destroy Elli-Gon?s ship. cut to a shot of the waiting
room. Amy-Won and Elli-Gon rise and ignite their lightsabres as thick poisonous gases fill
AMY-WON: (imitating Elli-Gon?s voice) ?Don?t get all weak in the knees on me,
Amy-Won. Worry about the here-and-now.?
ELLI-GON: Oh, shut up, and hold your breath.
(cut to a shot of outside the room. Droid versions of the three J?s are there. the door
opens to reveal a thick fog of gas.)
DROID JOEY: Check it out, Jeffy. We?ll cover you.
DROID JEFFY: Roger, roger.
(Two lightsabres ignite)
DROID JAMIE: Uh-oh...............
DROID JOEY: Blast ?em!
(Amy-Won and Elli-Gon leap from the waiting room and make short work of the droids.
Three more droids race towards them. Amy-Won simply holds out her hand.)
AMY-WON: Talk to the hand, cause the face ain?t listenin?!
(The three droids fly backwards and smash against the walls)
ELLI-GON: Come on! I wanna teach these fashion twits a lesson!
AMY-WON: (coldly) Absolutely.
(Cut to the bridge)
TIFFANY: Like those droids won?t be enough.
SANDI: You?re right....................Let?s get the Upchuck droids up here!
(Meanwhile Amy-Won and Elli-Gon have made their way to the bridge doors. Elli-Gon
reads the keypad and it says ?Password required for entry?)
ELLI-GON: Keep those things busy while I open this door.
(Amy-Won thrashes the battle droids and is loving her job while Elli-Gon ponders
ELLI-GON: Let?s see...........FASHION. (types it in. The doors open)
(On the other side Tiffany and Sandi are horrified)
SANDI: Close the blast doors!
(Huge double doors close. Elli-Gon goes back to the keyboard.)
ELLI-GON: Hmm...............outfit? (types it in, the first layer of blast doors open.)
TIFFANY: They?re still coming through...................
SANDI: Like, impossible! How could they figure out my passwords?!
TIFFANY Wow.......they must be super smart................
SANDI: Where are those upchuck droids?!
(Cut to outside the bridge Robotic versions of Upchuck appear on the screen.)
DROID UPCHUCKS: Oh, laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies!
AMY-WON: God...............no! (to ELLI-GON) Master, chauvinist droids!
(The two Cynic Knights ready their lightsabres as the Upchuck droids approach. One of
them reveals a bottle of ointment)
DROID UPCHUCK: How about a backrub? Roooooooooowlllllllllllllllllllllll!
ELLI-GON: I didn?t think even the Fashion Federation could stoop so low as to rebuild
the banned Upchuck droid! Destroy them!
(The two Cynics swing their lightsabres, but the Upchuck droids are shielded from all
AMY-WON: It?s no use, Master. Their shields are too strong!
ELLI-GON: We?ll have to retreat...................
(They bolt down the corridor with the Upchuck droids in pursuit)
UPCHUCK DROIDS: Don?t run from your true feelings............you know you can?t resist
(Cut to the bridge where exchange satisfying smiles)
SANDI: Like, not even Cynic Knights are a match for those Upchuck droids...........
TIFFANY: Yeah, really...............
(Just then a holographic of Marianne appears)
TIFFANY: Hey, it?s Queen Barksdale.
SANDI: Finally. Looks like we?re getting somewhere (To the screen) So like, Queen
Barksdale, or whatever.
MARIANNE: Cut the false pleasantries. Your blockade of our world is at an end. The
Chancellor has informed me that his ambassadors have forced you to reach a settlement.
SANDI: Like, what are you talking about? There?s no ambassadors here.
MARIANNE: Beware, Viceroy. The Fashion Federation has gone to far..............
SANDI: Like, don?t get mad at us because you dress so geeky, we?re like only trying to
(the image fades)
TIFFANY: Do you think she expects an attack.
SANDI: Who cares? They?re like no match for our droids, anyway...............
(Cut to a shot of the docking bay Amy-Won and Elli-Gon enter through a ventilation
shaft. they hide behind large crates and watch drop ships being loaded with droids)
ELLI-GON: Battle droids? Looks like the Fashion Federation wants the Naboo to be
AMY-WON: What do we do, Master?
ELLI-GON: We?ve got to warn the Naboo and contact Chancellor O?niel. Let?s sneak on
one of those ships and meet down on the planet.
AMY-WON: I?ve got a bad feeling about...............
ELLI-GON: Don?t start, young smartass.
AMY-WON: (smirks) Yes, Master.
(Cut to a shot of the Naboo surface. Droid tanks are clearing out huge sections of
We see Elli-Gon running away from them. Enter a strange creature.........wearing a
cheerleading outfit, standing in the way, panic-stricken.)
ELLI-GON: GET OUT OF THE WAY! MOVE!
(Elli-Gon collides with the creature, they fall to the ground as the tank hovers over
Elli-Gon walks off screen)
RA-RA: Hey, wait! (walks after Elli-Gon) Thanks for like, saving my life!
ELLI-GON: You nearly got us both killed, don?t you have a brain?!
RA-RA: No, I?m not a brain! I?m a cheerleader! I?m Ra-Ra Binks.
ELLI-GON: (deadpan) That?s fascinating, really. But I have to go find...........
(A droid enters, chasing Amy-Won, firing blasters)
ELLI-GON: Get down!
(Elli-Gon uses her lightsabre to reflect the droid?s lasers and destroys it just as
RA-RA: (Twirls her hair with a finger) Wow.............that was really neat!
AMY-WON: What?s this?
ELLI-GON: A cheerleader................let?s go.
AMY-WON: (To Ra-Ra) Get outta here, before more of those things show up
RA-RA: More?! There?s more of those icky robots out there?! We should really go to
Lawndale, then. It?s a high school.
AMY-WON: (shuddering) High school?! No thanks!
ELLI-GON: I know, Amy-won. But we may be able to call for help from there. (To
Ra-Ra) Can you take us there?
RA-RA: Um..............no. The boss is really mean and he?ll yell mean things at me if
(More droids are heard)
ELLI-GON: You hear that? That is the sound of a lot of mean things coming this way.
AMY-WON: (smirking) And if they find us, they?ll do lots of mean things...............
RA-RA: Like what?
ELLI-GON: (smirking) Lock us up in a room full of icky bugs.............
AMY-WON: (deadpan) With NO makeup!
RA-RA: EEP! OK, let?s go. This way!
(Cut to a shot of the Naboo Palace An undisguised version of Rita is seen on the
holographic communicator talking to Queen Barksdale and her guard Eric)
RITA: The ambassadors aren?t there? (grins) How can that be? I have assurances from the
chancellor that they arrived (starts laughing) It?s not like someone had them killed in an
evil plot to take over our world and then the galaxy! (starts cackling evilly)
MARIANNE: Senator Palpatine? Are you OK?
(Rita cannot control her maniacal laughter and her image fades)
ERIC: It?s not safe here your highness. We?re no match for the Fashion Federation
MARIANNE: I will not condone an action that will lead us to war..................
ERIC: OK, we?ll just sit here while they invade us. Excellent strategy, your highness.
(Ra-Ra leads the way to a pond)
RA-RA: We gotta swim to it, OK? But I have to warn you. People in Lawndale don?t like
AMY-WON: Don?t worry. We get that all the time.
(The three of them enter the water. After a short swim the three of them surface in a
swimming pool in a high school gymnasium. Almost immediately, the trio gathers a crowd
of staring students.)
RA-RA: Wow! It?s great to see everyone again!
(A football player approaches them)
RA-RA: Oh, Kevvy!
KEVIN: Sorry, babe. But you know you were suspended. I gotta take you to the boss.
RA-RA: But, babe!
KEVIN: Are you gonna get it when the boss sees you came back here..............with a
couple of brains!
(Amy-Won and Elli-Gon just glare)
(Cut to the bosses? room where DeMartino is glaring at Ra-Ra)
DEMARTINO: Ahh, Ra-Ra BINKS! Would you mind telling me why you?ve
REVEALED our hidden high school to these two STRANGERS!
ELLI-GON: A droid army is about to attack the Naboo. We must warn them.
DEMARTINO: That?s really interesting. If only we CARED about the Naboo!
ELLI-GON: Fine. If you won?t help, we?ll just go.
DEMARTINO: That takes care of that. Now as for YOU Ra-Ra, I believe a week of
ASBESTOS cleanup will do you just fine....................(grins evilly)
ELLI-GON: Now wait a minute.
AMY-WON: We don?t have time for this, master.
ELLI-GON: I know, but we need someone stupid to exploit on our trip. Besides, someone
has to be the cheesy comic relief. (To DeMartino) Tell you what, provide us with a
transport, and we?ll take Ra-Ra away from here. you?ll never have to see her again.
DEMARTINO: What a WONDERful thing! Easily worth the price on ONE transport!
(Cut to a shot of the Naboo Palace. Queen Barksdale looks on as her city is overrun
battle droids. Cut to a shot of outside the Palace where a droid addresses the viceroy.)
DROID: Viceroy, we have captured the queen.
TIFFANY: Wow........that was sooooooooooo easy.
SANDI: Yeah. We should like conquer planets more often.
(Cut to a shot of the surface where Elli-Gon, Amy-Won, and Ra-Ra are riding in a
hummer, driving to the Naboo Palace.)
AMY-WON: So, Ra-Ra, why were you suspended from Lawndale?
RA-RA: I don?t know. I was showing the girls some new cheers one day, and it?s like
DeMartino was screaming that my voice was piercing his brain, or something.
ELLI-GON:(deadpan) No why would he think something like that?
RA-RA: I know! It?s not like I have some annoying squeak in my voice!
AMY-WON: (glaring at Elli-Gon) I?ll get you for this.............
ELLI-GON (smirking back.) Think of it as part of your training, young smartass!
ELLI-GON: Yes. Amy-Won is my smartass apprentice, training to be a Cynic Knight. She
is learning the ways of The Sarcasm.
ELLI-GON: Yes, the Sarcasm is what gives a Cynic their power. It?s all around. It helps
those smart enough to be realistic to deal with life as it............
RA-RA: You?re like giving me a headache!
AMY-WON: (deadpan) The Sarcasm is not strong with this one................
ELLI-GON: Look, there?s the Palace. (They see the droids.) Looks like we?re too late.
(Cut to a shot inside the Palace where the Viceroy is leading the Queen and her
out of the Palace)
MARIANNE: How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?
SANDI: Duh! We?re like the Fashion Federation. We?re cute and popular, of course the
Senate will side with us!
(The Queen sighs and is lead away)
(Cut to a shot of the courtyard, where the two Cynic Knights and Ra-Ra spot a droid
party with the captured queen. suddenly they leap at the droids, slicing them to pieces
their lightsabres. Ra-Ra, wanting to help, does so in the only was she knows how)
RA-RA: Gimme a ?C?! Gimme a...........(twirls her hair with a finger) How do you spell
AMY-WON: ?S? ?H? ?U? ?T? ?U? ?P?!
ELLI-GON: Your highness, we?re the Chancellor?s Ambassadors. Come with us.
MARIANNE: You were supposed to give the Federation a settlement! Not let them
AMY-WON: Fine don?t come with us, later...............(walks off)
MARIANNE: All right, let?s go.
(The party enter a hangar where a ship is waiting.)
ELLI-GON: We should use that ship to get to Courasant.
MARIANNE: I won?t leave my people..........
AMY-WON: This really isn?t the time to get all noble, your highness.
ELLI-GON: The smartass is right.
ERIC: You should talk to the Senate yourself, your highness. Senator Palpatine will
(Marianne turns to one of her hand maidens. A teenage version of Helen)
MARIANNE: What should I do?
HELEN: Don?t ask me..........YOU?RE the big-shot Queen, I?M just the lowly servant.
MARIANNE: I shall plead our case to the Senate.
HELEN: (thought VO) And she thought calling the shots was so damn easy..............
(The group sees a dozen or so battle droids guarding the ship. Amy-Won readies her
lightsabre, but Elli-Gon stops her)
ELLI-GON: Remember, young smartass. The Sarcasm is good for more than fighting.
(Elli-Gon casually walks to the ship and is stopped by the droids)
ELLI-GON: (pointing behind the droids) Look! Honor roll geeks!
DROID: (Turning around) Where?! After them troops!
(The droids run off in search of the fictitious geeks)
ELLI-GON: Come on. Let?s go!
(The group boards the ship and it rockets off into space and rushes the blockade head
AMY-WON: Can this thing crash that blockade?
ERIC: We?re about to find out.
(Laser beams pound the ship?s shields. Soon they give way. A group of droids is sent to
the outside to repair the power cells. One after another they are destroyed)
AMY-WON: We?re losing droids, fast.
ERIC: If they can?t get the shields back up, we?re finished.
ELLI-GON: (looking at the camera) Don?t worry. We?re the good guys, we?ll get out of
(Suddenly, the last droid gets the shields up and heads back in as the cruiser races
ELLI-GON: (to the camera) Told ya.
AMY-WON: Well, we didn?t get away scott-free. We can?t make it to Courosant without
repairs. We?ll have to stop on Tatooine to get them.
ELLI-GON: (To the camera) That?s called ?Plot-twist?, kids. Who says education is
boring? Tatooine? Good. The Fashion Federation have no presence there.
ERIC: How do you know?
ELLI-GON: It?s controlled by the Huts.
ERIC: You can?t take her royal Highness there! The huts are............weird.
ELLI-GON: So they have a few thousand tattoos and piercings and worship the Devil.
They?re still better than those Fashion cronies.
(Cut to a shot of Sandi?s ship. She and Tiffany are speaking with Darth Hideous, Rita
RITA: So, where is Queen Barksdale?
SANDI: (nervous) Uh, like she escaped on a ship that broke through the blockade.
RITA: (Yelling) FIND HER!!!
TIFFANY: Uh, they?re out of our range...............
RITA: Not for a Sellout..........(A second image appears behind Rita) this is my
Darth Paul. (Paul just glares at Sandi and Tiffany) He will find your lost ship. (they
SANDI: Whoa, now there?s like two of them.
(Cut to a shot of the queen?s room on the ship.)
ERIC: A good little droid, your highness. It saved the ship, as well as our lives.
MARIANNE: What is it?s number?
ERIC: (reading the inscription) R-Ted-D-Ted.
AMY-WON: (deadpan) Nice number.............
MARIANNE: Helen! Clean this droid up as best you can. It deserves our gratitude.
AMY-WON: (smirking) Careful where you touch him, he might expect you to put out
ELLI-GON: You?re highness, we have to stop for repairs on Tatooine.
ERIC: I disagree with the Cynic about this................
ELLI-GON: Who?s the hero in this story? (pause) Thought so.
(Cut to Helen cleaning up the droid. Ra-Ra enters)
Helen: Oh, hello.
RA-RA: Who are you?
HELEN: I?m Helen.
RA-RA: I?m Ra-Ra Binks!
HELEN: You?re a cheerleader, aren?t you?
RA-RA: (picks up her pompoms) How?d you know?
HELEN: (sighs) Lucky guess. So how did you end up here with us?
RA-RA: Well first there were these really mean droids and this Cynic came running at
(Screen goes black. Caption appears: 33 hours later. Screen returns with Helen asleep
RA-RA: And that?s how I got here.
HELEN: (yawning) That?s *fascinating*. I have to go............
(Cut to a shot of the surface of Tatooine. The Naboo cruiser lands there. Elli-Gon
ELLI-GON: All right. I?ll take R-Ted and his readouts of the parts we need into the
spaceport. You stay here and guard the queen................I sense a disturbance in the
AMY-WON: I sense it too. But won?t the spaceport be dangerous?
ELLI-GON Yes, why?
AMY-WON: Shouldn?t you take a certain airheaded cheerleader with you to take some of
ELLI-GON: You just don?t want her here with you.................
AMY-WON All right, I admit it. PLEASE, take her with you, master!
ELLI-GON: All right. Maybe we?ll get lucky and some intergalactic trucker will mistake
her for a lunch special. Don?t let them send any transmissions.
(Cut to the exterior of the ship. Elli-Gon, Ra-Ra, and R-Ted are heading into the
spaceport. when Eric and Helen approach them)
ERIC: The Queen orders you to take her handmaiden with you.
ELLI-GON: I?ve already got someone who needs baby-sitting (points to Ra-Ra)
..............can?t take more.
ERIC: The Queen wishes it. She?s curious about the planet.
ELLI-GON: Well, it?s sand. Sand all around and a few buildings. She?s not missing
HELEN: I?m going to the spaceport with or without you...................
ELLI-GON: All right. Stay close. This place is going to be rough.
(Cut to a shot of Mos Eisley spaceport. Elli-Gon and company enter and look for a parts
ELLI-GON: Let?s try this place first.
(They enter a small shop where a boy version of Jake is seen cleaning the counter.)
JAKE: Sure, you spill one can of oil, and the old man makes you pay for weeks! (sees
group who just entered) Oh, Hi. Welco...............
(Enter Mad Dog)
MAD DOG: BOY! WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO THIS TIME?!
JAKE: (visibly frightened) Uh, some customers! I was greeting them, just like you told
me! I was good! Please don?t hit me!
MAD DOG: (Sees the stunned look on Elli-Gon and Helen?s faces) Ha ha ha! The kid is
such a kidder! (ruffles his hair a bit then knocks him in the shoulder) (pointedly) Aren?t
JAKE: Yes, sir. (goes back to his scrubbing)
ELLI-GON: I need parts for a Noobian type cruiser. My droid has a readout of everything
MAD DOG: All right. Let?s go out back and see if I have what you need.
HELEN: I think I?ll stay here.
RA-RA: I?ll go with you!
ELLI-GON: Um, no. Uh..............(points to some junk droids) Look,
RA-RA: (Stares at the droid) Wow................
ELLI-GON: (To Mad Dog) That oughtta keep her busy for a few hours. Let?s go.
(They exit. All the while, Jake stares at Helen and can?t take his eyes off her)
JAKE: Wow...........Are you a ?girl??
HELEN: (suprised) What?
JAKE: My dad sent me to military school to be a pilot when I was 2. I?ve heard some of
the guys talk about ?girls? They?re the most beautiful creatures in the
HELEN: (Blushing, flattered) What a strange boy.................you?ve never seen a
JAKE: No. What is it about girls that makes them different?
HELEN: (uncomfortable, looking to change the subject) So, you?re a pilot?
JAKE: Yeah! Someday, I?m gonna fly away from this place, this dump, this life of a
and that miserable excuse of a father! YOU HEAR THAT, OLD MAN?! I?M
HELEN: Slow down. You?re a slave?
JAKE: I?m a person, and my name is Jake!
HELEN: Oh, sorry. On my planet slavery is illegal. I?m Helen. (they shake hands)
(Cut to the junkyard)
MAD DOG: A new Hyper Drive? That?s gonna cost you a pretty penny. You may as well
buy a new ship.............
ELLI-GON: Not really. It?s not my ship, and I?m not spending my money.
MAD DOG: (chuckling) That?s a good way to go, so who?s money will you be spending?
ELLI-GON: I have 20,000 Republic credits from the Chancellor himself.
MAD DOG: Credits? Republic Credits are no good out here!
ELLI-GON: (waves her hand) Credits will do fine...............
MAD DOG: No, they won?t!
ELLI-GON: (waves her hand) Credits WILL do fine............
MAD DOG: No, they WON?T! Are you trying to use the Force or something, or are you
just messing with me?! I don?t have time for tricks. No money, no parts, END OF
(ELLI-GON frowns and leaves. She doesn?t look at her companions as she marches out of
ELLI-GON: We?re leaving.
(Helen turns to follow)
HELEN: It was nice meting you, Jake.
JAKE: Yeah, nice meeting you, too
(The 4 of them leave. Jake looks after them till Mad Dog enters)
MAD DOG: Bunch of Republic bums.................
JAKE: They seemed OK to me...............especially her.............
MAD DOG: Her? So, you were messing with a girl when you?re supposed to be cleaning
this place up!
JAKE: No, just talking, honest!
MAD DOG: Go home, till I can think of a good punishment for you!
JAKE: (gulps) yes, sir............
(Cut to a shot of outside the shop Elli-Gon is talking with Amy-Won on a communicator)
AMY-WON: Hmm. They don?t take credits, eh? Looks like we?re not popular anywhere
in this galaxy.
ELLI-GON: Yeah, but I?m sure something will turn up. You?re not letting them call
anyone, are you? The last thing we need is to be traced.
AMY-WON: Well, it?s not easy to keep a teenage royal off the phone, but I?ve been able
to so far, don?t know how long that will last, though.
ELLI-GON: (Sees Ra-Ra being flirted with by various creatures) Well, at least you don?t
have any cheerleaders to deal with, see you later. (turns off the communicator)
(Jake walks by and is spotted by Elli-Gon)
JAKE: That miserable son of a..........., all I did was talk to a girl and now
ELLI-GON: Hey, isn?t that the kid from the shop?
HELEN: Yes, it is. (calling) Jaaaaaaaaake?
JAKE: Huh? Oh, hi Helen!
HELEN: Where are you off to?
JAKE: Oh, home. Old man sent me home for talking to a girl, why if he wasn?t so big,
ELLI-GON: That?s pretty rough. Hope he?s not too rough on you.
(sandstorm begins to blow in)
JAKE: Yes! The old man will be caught in the storm and will have to stay the night at
HELEN: Won?t he still punish you when he gets back home?
JAKE: Hell, no! He?ll get sloppy drunk tonight and by tomorrow, he?ll forget all about
ELLI-GON: (gets a disgusted look on her face) That?s a relief.................
JAKE: You guys have a place to hide from the storm?
HELEN: Our ship. On the outskirts.
JAKE: You?ll never make it in time. You?d better come to my place.
ELLI-GON: (smirking) Sure, he?s never seen a girl and already he?s inviting them to his
place.............the kid learns fast.
JAKE: Huh? What do you mean?
ELLI-GON: I could be wrong, though.
(Cut to a shot of Jake?s house. It looks more like a barracks. A very cramped room with
set of bunk beds, and a few chairs.)
JAKE: Well, we have some time to kill. Helen, wanna go to my room?
ELLI-GON: This boy is REALLY learning fast..................
JAKE I?ll show you this droid I built.
ELLI-GON: You built a droid by yourself?
JAKE: That?s not the half of it. I?m building a pod racer. I?ll show it to you after
HELEN: It?s amazing. How can such a small boy have the fortitude to accomplish so
JAKE: I needed to devote myself to something. Something to replace the black void of a
lack of a father?s love! No! No playing ball in the yard for little Jakey! Oh, no!
ELLI-GON: I?d say THAT much anger and resentment could fuel this kid to build the
JAKE: Come on. I?ll show you 3PO.
(Cut to a shot of Jake?s room. A gold colored droid with brown pigtails is there in a
reclined position. Jake pulls one of the pigtails and the droid springs to life)
STACEY: Oh, Hi. I?m Stacey-3PO.
JAKE: She?s a protocol droid. She can understand most any language.
(R-Ted begins beeping incoherently)
ELLI-GON: He does that a lot. Can she tell us what he?s trying to say?
STACEY: He said something about ?gum?. What?s that?
(R-Ted beeps some more and Stacey-3PO listens)
JAKE: I tried to make her a girl using what I learned at the military academy. (looks
Helen.) Did I get it right?
(Stacey 3PO perks up)
STACEY: I?m NAKED?! (begins hyperventilating)
ELLI-GON: Well, you got the ?female modesty? part right.
JAKE: You?re a Cynic Knight, aren?t you?
ELLI-GON: Why do you think that?
JAKE: Only Cynic Knights use dry wit like that.
ELLI-GON: No fooling you, kid. OK We?re on a secret mission to Courasant. The fate of
an entire planet rests on it.
JAKE: Cool! So............what are you doing here?
HELEN: Our ship was damaged and we had to land here.
JAKE: Hey! I can fix it!
ELLI-GON: I doubt you could without a new hyper drive.
HELEN: And no dealers take Republic credits.
JAKE: I know! You could bet for the parts in tomorrow?s Pod races!
ELLI-GON: Hmm. That might work. But who would we bet on?
HELEN: YOU race pods? Isn?t that dangerous?
JAKE: oh......yeah. But my father makes me do it. If Mad Dog Skywalker can race pods,
so can little Jakey. Dammit! Why can?t he just let me be who I am?!
HELEN: all right, Jake......calm down.
ELLI-GON: Hmm..........that seething resentment can be a powerful ally..............all
Let?s do it!
(Cut to a shot of the parts store the next day. Elli-Gon is again on the communicator)
AMY-WON: Are you serious?! You?re gonna bet the ship on this kid?
ELLI-GON: Well, it?s not our ship. Besides, if there?s even a chance we can get out of
here and get away from Ra-Ra, it?s well worth the risk.
AMY-WON: You?ve got a point. Hope you know what you?re doing................
ELLI-GON: Yeah, something wild, crazy, and in all probability will fail.
AMY-WON: You?re not using the Sarcasm now, are you?
ELLI-GON: Nope................talk to you later.
(Elli-Gon switches off the communicator and enters the shop)
MAD DOG: So, you want to sponsor the boy in today?s race? (chuckles) Not with
credits, I hope.
ELLI-GON: No, I?m putting my ship up as the entry fee.
MAD DOG: Hmm.............not a bad idea. (looks at Jake) You gonna ride that piece of
junk you?ve been building? (laughs and punches him in the shoulder)
JAKE: Piece of junk?! Why you.......(Elli-Gon stops him)
ELLI-GON: Save it for the race, Jake. So, you put up the cash for the entry. If Jake
you keep all the winnings and give me the parts I need. If he loses, you keep my ship.
MAD DOG: (thinks for a moment) Sure!
MAD DOG: (Grinning evilly at Jake) heh heh............you?re gonna be a good boy and
finish 2nd behind me...............like last time, right Jakey?
(Jake grumbles but doesn?t respond. Mad Dog laughs and knocks Jake in the shoulder
(Cut to the pod garage where the racers are getting their pods ready. Helen, Elli-Gon,
Jake, Stacey-3PO, R-Ted, and Ra-Ra are gathered around Jake?s pod)
HELEN: So, Jake. Have you ever won a race?
HELEN: Not even finished?
JAKE: Sure I have! I always finish 2nd..................behind him! (points to Mad dog
ELLI-GON: (suspicious) Really. That wouldn?t have anything to so with the fact he
intimidates you and literally owns you, would it?
JAKE: (nervously) Uh, no. heh heh. He just beats me everytime.
ELLI-GON: All right, Jake. I?ll make you a deal...............you win, and you can come
us to Courasant. You never have to see your father again.
JAKE: (brightens) Really?! (Looks solemn again) But he owns me as a slave..........how
will you get ownership from him?
ELLI-GON: Leave that to me. (smirks)
(Cut to a shot of Courasant where Rita and Darth Paul are talking)
PAUL: Tatooine is sparsely populated. I should find them quickly.
RITA: Move against the Cynics first. Once they?re out of the way, you should have no
trouble capturing the Queen.
PAUL: Why do you always order me around like that?
(Rita stands with her back to the camera. She opens her robe to Paul)
RITA: You want some of this or not?
PAUL: Yes, master!
RITA Then get going!
(Cut back to Tatooine. Elli-Gon walks over to Mad Dog who is getting ready)
MAD DOG: Oh, it?s you. Have your ship ready after the race.
ELLI-GON: Well, aren?t we confident? What makes you think Jake won?t win?
MAD DOG: Because I always win! (laughs)
ELLI-GON: Care to back that up with a little wager?
MAD DOG: Sure. What are the stakes? You?ve already bet your ship. What else have you
ELLI-GON: (thinks for a moment) I bet..............her!(points at Ra-Ra)
MAD DOG: A slave for a slave? Hmm..........I don?t know. Jake is valuable. What can she
ELLI-GON: Ra-Ra! Show the nice betting man what you can do!
RA-RA: OK! (starts jumping up and down, shaking her pompoms) Gimme a ?B?! Gimme
an ?E?! Gimme a ?T?! What does it spell?! BET! BET! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
(Mad dog has been staring at Ra-Ra?s oversized chest throughout the entire cheer and is
MAD DOG: DEAL! (smiles knowingly at Jake) I think this will work out well.
(Elli-Gon goes back to Jake?s pod)
ELLI-GON: All right, Jake. It?s settled. If you win, I?ll win you from Mad Dog.
JAKE: All right. Being your slave will be a hell of a lot better than being his.
HELEN: Now, wait a minute! Slavery is wrong. It?s demeaning!
ELLI-GON: Hmm.............you?re right. Jake if you win, I?ll give you your freedom if
repair our ship. Deal?
JAKE: You mean I?ll be free?! Free to do whatever I want?!
ELLI-GON: Yes...............if you win.
JAKE: (glares at Mad Dog) You?re going down, old man...................
(Cut to a shot of the starting line. Where various pods are waiting to start.. Mad Dog
MAD DOG: All right, my boy. Just like last week, you run out front, then I?ll run all
other pods off course and you graciously let me pass you. (glares at him) DON?T be a
(Mad Dog walks and Jake looks scared for a moment. Elli-Gon approaches)
ELLI-GON: Hmm. Are you sure you?re a boy?
JAKE: What do you mean?
ELLI-GON: You don?t seem to have any balls................
(Jake looks furious.)
ELLI-GON: You let him intimidate you with just a few words. Now you have a chance to
be rid of him for good, and you?re about to wet your pants. I must have been out of my
mind to think you had the guts to help us. Well, my friends and I will find a nice cave
live with some tusken raiders. You have a nice life of slavery with your Dad,
Jake..............(walks off) See ya.............(Elli-Gon smirks as she walks away)
(Jake is beet red. He looks as though he?s about to go postal. He hops in his pod and
JAKE: Let?s get it on!
(Just then Axl the Hut appears in the high Balcony. If you need a picture. Think of
the hut with some tattoos and a nose ring.)
AXL: Start the race!
(A green light appears over the starting line and the pods rocket off. Jake weaves his
through the traffic working his way out front.)
JAKE: GAH! DAMN ROAD HOGS! MOVE, YOU RECKLESS BASTARD!
(Jake searches his controls desperately. After a moment, he smiles as a button appears,
slams it and a piercing horn sounds)
JAKE: Found it! (honks) GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY! (honks again)
DAMMIT! STUPID MOTHER.............
(Jake weaves around the last pod and finds himself in the lead after the first lap. Mad
is in the back and starts moving up, slamming all the other pods off course and out of the
race as he goes)
(The others watch the race from the stands)
HELEN: ooh, I wish we could do something to help.
RA-RA: We can! (readies her pompoms) Gimma a ?J? Gimme a.............
(Elli-Gon ignites her lightsabre and hold it to Ra-Ra?s neck)
ELLI-GON: It?ll almost be worth it..................if Jake loses............
(Cut to a shot of Darth Paul looking at data his probes have given him. Out of boredom
turns on a TV monitor)
PAUL: Where the hell are they? They?re only a few settlements..........
TV: And Skywalker is still out front.
(Paul looks at the TV screen and sees Elli-Gon in the stands)
(Meanwhile, the remaining 3 pods race by, completing the 2nd lap. Jake has a sizable
Mad Dog and the other racer are nearly neck and neck)
JAKE: (thought VO) 1 more lap, and you?ll never have to see that loathsome, selfish,
alcoholic son of a bitch again!
MAD DOG: (thought VO) That kid is way too far in front. What?s he doing? Doesn?t he
know that if he wins, I?ll whip him to a..................(realizes what happens if Jake
(Mad Dog runs the opposing pod into a rock wall and floors it, trying desperately to
Jake. It takes quite awhile, but near the end of the last lap, Mad Dog has nearly caught
MAD DOG: JAKE! SLOW DOWN, BOY!
JAKE: NEVER! I?M GONNA BEAT YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL, OLD MAN!
(Mad Dog pulls alongside Jake, Jake responds by sideswiping him.)
JAKE: THAT?S FOR MILITARY SCHOOL! (slams Mad Dog again) THAT?S FOR
NEVER PLAYING CATCH WITH ME! (Slams him one last time, sending his pod into a
wall, Mad Dog is thrown from his pod to the sand.) AND THAT?S FOR TREATING ME
LIKE A SLAVE, INSTEAD OF A SON, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!
(Jake crosses the finish line and is declared the winner. That?s easy........he?s the
to finish. Later, in the garage. The group is celebrating the win.)
RA-RA: Great going, Jake! Hey, Elli-Gon, you won Jake?s freedom! What did you use to
cover the bet?
ELLI-GON: (smirking) Your pompoms.
(Mad Dog enters, looking furious. He rushes towards Jake, with his hands out, ready to
strangle him. Elli-Gon readies her lightsabre and uses it to shield Jake)
ELLI-GON: Keep your damn hands off my slave!
MAD DOG: It was not a fair bet! You knew he was going to win somehow............
ELLI-GON: You?re right. (looks at the camera) I read the script. You think I would bet
on this basket case of a kid if I wasn?t certain he?d win? (looks back at Mad Dog) Here,
take the pod, take the money, give us the damn hyper drive, and we?ll be on our way.
(Cut to a shot of the ship. Amy-Won is waiting for the others to return. Finally, the
approaches and Ra-Ra rushes past her to get on board)
RA-RA: Eww, I?m all sweaty.............I need a shower.
(R-Ted and Stacey-3PO pass by, R-Ted is beeping)
STACEY: What is this ?gum? you keep talking about?
(Soon all are aboard but Elli-Gon, she approaches the ship, when the cloaked figure of
Darth Paul lunges at her, lightsabre ready.)
ELLI-GON: Jake, tell them to take off! (To Darth Paul) A black robe in the desert? You
must be burning up............
(Darth Paul fans himself for a moment, Elli-Gon take advantage of his distraction and
kicks him in the balls. While he?s on the ground she leaps onboard the ship)
AMY-WON: What happened?
ELLI-GON: (deadpan) Oh, you know. Pod races, slave liberation, robed psychos.. Same
AMY-WON: I see. (looks at Jake) And I see you?ve adopted a son.
JAKE: Wow! More sarcastic wit! Are you a Cynic Knight, too?
ELLI-GON: Jake Skywalker, meet Amy-Won Kenobi.
JAKE: (grinning stupidly) Wussup?
AMY-WON: (deadpan) Charmed.
(Cut to a shot of Jake sitting in a seat, shivering like mad. Helen enters and sees
HELEN: Are you all right?
JAKE: Cold.........damn cold!
HELEN: (Reaching for a blanket, wrapping it around him) Well, you?re from a warm
(Jake just stares at her.)
HELEN: Are you homesick?
JAKE: Hell, no! I?d rather freeze here then go back. I don?t miss that miserable son of
HELEN: Calm down, Jake! If you don?t learn to relax, you?re gonna have a heart attack
before too long..............
(Helen takes Jake?s hand and holds it for a moment. They simply stare at each other.
Elli-Gon and Amy-Won have watched this little scene. Elli-Gon looks in deep thought.
Amy-Won just looks disgusted.)
AMY-WON: Aren?t they a little young to be so touchy-feely?
ELLI-GON: I feel a Vergence in the Sarcasm..................
AMY-WON: A virgin? This conversation is getting too perverted............
ELLI-GON: No, no. A vergence...............this event holds great
AMY-WON: A couple of mushy kids holds great importance?
ELLI-GON: You never know...............they won?t be kids forever, you know. I have a
feeling they?ll get more touchy feely in the years to come.............
AMY-WON: Ick. Don?t go there................
(Cut to a shot of Naboo Palace Sandi and Tiffany are evaluating a few of the captured.)
SANDI: Like, why are you wearing a robe that comes all the way to your toes?
TIFFANY: Really..............you can?t match it with shoes if they?re
SANDI: God, and the ?Queen? can?t even see that her people are dressed fashionably.
TIFFANY: Yeah, how?d she get to be in charge, anyway?
(Cut to a shot of Courasant. The queen?s ship is landing. Chancellor O?niel and Senator
Rita Palpatine are waiting for it. The party disembarks and are greeted.)
RITA: I?m glad to see you?re safe, Queen Barksdale. Allow me to introduce Supreme
O?NIEL: Welcome, your highness. I know you?ve been through a lot. so if you want to
talk about your feelings, don?t hesitate to call me.
MARIANNE: I DO want to talk about my feelings. but to the Senate.
O?NIEL: Of course. I?ve already called the Senate for a session today. This way,
(All follow the chancellor inside, except the two Cynic Knights)
ELLI-GON: We need to speak with the Cynic Council. The excrement has really hit the
cooling device.................(looks at the camera) I have to say it the nice way. This
(Cut to a shot of the Cynic temple. It?s not really a temple. It?s a glorified
seats the cynic Council. they are only there for decoration, as the only ones listening to
Elli-Gon and Amy-Won are Mistress Barch, and Master Yo-Duh)
AMY-WON: We came to talk with you.
ELLI-GON: (smirking at Amy-Won) You?re still falling for the classics, young smartass.
AMY-WON: (glaring back) At least I?m not the one saying the Sarcasm is full of
ELLI-GON: No, not virgins, mistress. But I have been attacked by a mysterious cynic.
YO-DUH: Huh? Make fun of each other, we do. Attack each other, we do not.
ELLI-GON: It was not a cynic. but he was well trained in the Sarcastic arts.
BARCH: ?he?? I knew it! Those lying, cheating, miserable wastes of life are attacking!
YO-DUH: Relax you must, Mistress Barch. Today, did your medication, you take?
ELLI-GON: My only explanation is that it was a Sellout Lord................
BARCH: But they?ve been extinct for more than 1000 years.............
YO-DUH: Ahh, Hard to see, the conformist side is.................
BARCH: Then we must use all our resources to discover the identity of this evil ?man?!
we?ll hunt him down, beat him senseless, then take a knife and cut off his..............
YO-DUH: Need to hear this, we do not! Now, Mistress Elli-Gon, more to say have you?
ELLI-GON: About what?
AMY-WON: You know, the virgins.
ELLI-GON: Vergence! I believe I have felt a Vergence in the Sarcasm. Around a boy. His
bitter feelings of resentment are stronger then I?ve felt in any lifeform.
YO-DUH: Ahh, but more than resentment, he needs..............
ELLI-GON: I request he be tested.
YO-DUH: Trained as a Cynic, you request.
ELLI-GON: Of course. Would I have even brought it up if I wasn?t going to ask he be
(Cut to a shot of the Queen?s chamber. She is talking with Rita.)
RITA: Honestly, the Republic is not what it was. Everything is all touchy-feely.
correctness has swept through the Senate.
MARIANNE: Chancellor O?Niel seems to think there is hope.
RITA: The Chancellor has little real power. He?s to in touch with his ?feelings? to
power over the squabbling bureaucrats. You could call for a vote of no-confidence in his
MARIANNE: He?s been our strongest supporter. Why would I do that?
RITA: Oh, purely for the interest of Naboo. It?s not like I want you to do it to get
him, so I can replace him then rule the galaxy with an iron fist of
laughing then cackling)
(Cut to a shot of the room next door. Jake enters)
JAKE: Helen? Helen? (looks around, notices a closed door with water running heard in
the background. Jake goes to the door and opens it without knocking) Helen, are you in
(Sound of Helen screaming is heard as Jake looks stunned, he quickly closes the door)
JAKE: So, THAT?S what makes girls different.............Wow! (To the door) Listen
I?m on my way to the Cynic temple, to start my training, I hope. And I don?t know if I?ll
ever see you again, so I just came to say good-bye.
HELEN: (Through the door) Don?t be so melodramatic, Jake. Of course we?ll see each
JAKE: (grinning goofily) I hope so................Wow!
HELEN: (Obviously angry) Didn?t you say you had to be somewhere?!
JAKE: Oh, right! See you later, I guess.
(Cut to the Senate. The issue of the Naboo invasion is being discussed.)
O?NIEL: The chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign state of Naboo..
RITA: Thank you, chancellor. Members of the Senate. A tragedy has occurred. Naboo has
been invaded by the overzealous and self-important Fashion Federation for no other
reason that we are not attractive and popular enough for them.
O?NIEL: That is a serious accusation. What have the Senators from the Fashion
Federation to say in their defense?
(No response. Everyone looks over at the Federation?s seat and see it is empty. Just
someone hands O?Niel a note. He reads it aloud)
O?NIEL: ?Dear members of the senate, or whatever. Can?t make the Senate meeting. Sale
at Cashman?s? Oh, no! Now what will we do?
MARIANNE: You revoke their funding for breaking the Senate?s laws, of course!
O?NIEL: Now, now. Queen Barksdale. That is a serious punishment. And all they?re
accused of is invading a planet, enslaving it?s people and murdering anyone who resists.
Do we really want to punish them that much?
O?NIEL: Now, now. When someone hurts us, how does hurting them back really help?
MARIANNE: It?ll get our planet back, for one thing!
O?NIEL: Well, we don?t even know if they really did it. We should defer until the
Federation delegate returns so they have a fair chance to defend themselves.
MARIANNE: I don?t believe this! We have eyewitnesses! Recordings! There is a
blockade circling the planet! Do you really need any more evidence?!
O?NIEL: Well, I can?t punish them without hearing their side of the story........it?s
MARIANNE: You want rude?! Here?s rude! (speaking to the entire Senate) I CALL FOR
A VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE IN CHANCELLOR O?NIEL?S LEADERSHIP!
(The crowd roars in approval. Apparently they need no time to think about their vote
vote unanimously to remove him from office. O?Niel?s lip quivers as the votes are tallied,
then breaks down in tears)
O?NIEL: (sobbing) I was only trying to be fair to everyone....................
(Cut to an arcade near the Cynic Pizzeria. Elli-Gon is playing a game while Amy-Won
AMY-WON: The boy will not pass the test, master.
ELLI-GON: Will you quit distracting me?!
AMY-WON: (smirks) He is not cynical enough.
ELLI-GON: Surely you can feel his resentment.
AMY-WON: That won?t be enough to impress the council.
ELLI-GON: Nothing impresses the council...............
(Cut to the Cynic Pizzeria. Jake is being tested by Mistress Barch. She holds a picture
that Jake cannot see it.)
BARCH: All right, what?s this one?
JAKE: How the hell should I know? I can?t see it!
(Barch gives YO-DUH an approving nod.)
JAKE: So, was that.........
BARCH: Quiet, male!
JAKE: I?ll be good!
YO-DUH: How feel you?
JAKE: (Sniffs and smells the pizza) Hungry!
YO-DUH: Good..................afraid, are you?
JAKE: (looks and sees Barch glaring at him) Very..............She gives me that same
my father did, why that miserable, selfish, old.............
BARCH: Quiet, chauvinist scum!
YO-DUH: (To Barch) More resentful than even you, he is! I sense much resent in
(Cut to the Queen?s room Marianne gazes out the window as Ra-Ra approaches)
RA-RA: Are you sad?
MARIANNE: Of course I am! Our planet has been invaded! You should be sad, too!
RA-RA: You mean those droid thingies are gonna take over Lawndale High, too?!
MARIANNE: That?s what invaders do..............
RA-RA: No way! We?ve got a great football team! We won?t go down without a fight!
(Rita and Eric enter)
ERIC: Good news! Senator Palpatine has been nominated to succeed Supreme Chancellor
RITA: (chuckling) I?m quite suprised...............(getting serious) I WILL be
MARIANNE: By the time you have the Senate under control, there will be nothing left of
our people or way of life.............
RITA: Well, there is nothing we can do right now, the Fashion Federation has control of
MARIANNE: I?ve had enough of this political garbage! I?m going back to
Naboo........Captain! Ready my ship!
RITA: Back? But, your majesty, be realistic, they?ll capture you and force you to sign
some treaty to make their invasion legal! Hmm............a treaty. That might not be a bad
MARIANNE: What did you say?
RITA: Oh, nothing. Go ahead back to Naboo, your majesty.............(starts her
laugh-build-to cackle routine)
(Cut back to the Cynic Pizzeria. Elli-Gon and Amy-Won are with Jake, being addressed by
Barch and Yo-Duh. Barch is still glaring at Jake, while Yo-Duh talks in between paint
YO-DUH: The Sarcasm is strong with him..............
ELLI-GON: He is to be trained, then?
YO-DUH: Let me think...........................no
ELLI-GON: No? Why?
BARCH: Because he?s a MAN! Why do you think?
ELLI-GON: Fine, I?ll just go over your heads. I?ll train him!
ELLI-GON: I take Jake................as my smartass learner.
YO-DUH: An apprentice you have, Elli-Gon. impossible, to take on a second.
BARCH: The code forbids it!
YO-DUH: (Looking up from her painting) A code, have we?
BARCH: We do now!
ELLI-GON: Amy-Won is ready.
AMY-WON: I am ready to face the trials..............
YO-DUH: You? Ready for High School, are you?
AMY-WON: (Shuddering) Y-yes. I?m ready.
BARCH: We don?t have time for this!
AMY-WON: (looking at her watch) Got a hot date?
BARCH: No, the senate is voting for a new Chancellor, and Queen Barksdale is returning
home. This can draw out that no-good, cheating MAN who attacked you! Go with her to
Naboo and kill.............I mean, capture him!
YO-DUH: May the Sarcasm be with you...................
(Elli-Gon, Amy-Won and Jake leave.)
(Cut to the Naboo Palace. Sandi and Tiffany are addressing Darth Hideous, aka Rita.)
SANDI: Like, our droids have taken over. we?re in total control of the planet.
RITA: Good. I?m sending my apprentice, Darth Paul, to join you.................
(Rita?s image fades)
TIFFANY: That guy in all black? Eww...............
SANDI: Really, we need to get him a better outfit................
(Cut to the launching platform on Courasant. Amy-Won and Elli-Gon are talking while
watching Helen and Jake arrive)
AMY-WON: I?m telling you, he?s dangerous. He is resentful enough, but is entirely
unrealistic. What do you expect him to do, anyway.
ELLI-GON: I sense his child will be the one who brings balance to The Sarcasm.
Sarcastic, Snide, and brutally realistic.
AMY-WON: I can see that...................but he could also father an attractive,
ELLI-GON: (Looking at the camera) That?s called ?Allusion?, kids. (Turns to Amy-Won)
AMY-WON: Says me.
ELLI-GON: Yeah?! Well, who?s the master?
AMY-WON: Sho ?nuff!
ELLI-GON: I?ve had enough of your snide attitude, now get on board!
AMY-WON: Yes, master................
(Amy-Won leaves and Jake enters)
JAKE: Elli-Gon, ma?am. I don?t want to be any trouble.
ELLI-GON: Don?t worry about it. Amy-Won is always rebellious like that..............
JAKE: I heard Master Yo-Duh talking about resentment. What?s that?
ELLI-GON: Resentment is what fuels the Sarcasm. It allows us to be in touch with
Those with much resentment can master the Sarcasm, and become great Cynic Knights.
I?ll tell you more on the way................
(They leave. Stacey-3PO and R-Ted enter with Ra-Ra)
RA-RA: We?re going home! isn?t it exciting?!
STACEY: No. I hate flying............... I?m staying here.
RA-RA: Oh, no! What about him? (points to R-Ted) how will we know what he?s saying?
STACEY: That?s why I?m not coming! All he talks about is ?gum?! You won?t miss
RA-RA: Oh, OK.
(Ra-Ra and R-Ted board, leaving Stacey-3PO behind. The cruiser rockets into space,
heading back to Naboo.)
(Cut to shot of the Queen?s room on board the cruiser. Elli-Gon and Captain Eric are
addressing the Queen)
ERIC: As soon as we land, the Federation will arrest you.
ELLI-GON: For once, I agree. What are we going to fight the droid army with?
MARIANNE: A football team!
ELLI-GON: (deadpan) Of course, why didn?t I think of that?
MARIANNE: Ra-Ra Binks.
MARIANNE: I?ll need your help..............
(Cut to a shot of the Naboo surface. Amy-Won approaches Elli-Gon)
AMY-WON: (awkwardly) Um................sorry about that stuff I said earlier..
ELLI-GON: No problem.
AMY-WON: Well, I shouldn?t have challenged your authority like that master........
ELLI-GON: Amy-Won, the fact that you expressed your opinion even though you knew I
would disagree with it only proves that you?re ready...............I think you?ll be a
AMY-WON: You mean I can skip the high school trial?!
ELLI-GON: Not that great...................
AMY-WON: Damn! Anyway, Ra-Ra is on her way to Lawndale.
RA-RA: No one?s there. The place is deserted................
AMY-WON: Think they were wiped out?
RA-RA: what?s today?
RA-RA: Oh, I know where they are, then!
(Cut to a football stadium where all the residents of Lawndale are gathered.)
RA-RA: On Friday, there is a BIG pep rally before the game.
(DeMartino spots them)
DEMARTINO: Ra-Ra BINKS! What a delightful supRISE! To what do we owe the
RA-RA: You can?t owe me for pleasure. I?m not that kind of girl!
KEVIN: You?re not? Awww.............
RA-RA: I came to present Queen Barksdale of the Naboo.................
MARIANNE: I, uh...........wish to............
HELEN: Oh, to hell with it. We wish to form an alliance.
DEMARTINO: And just WHO are you?
HELEN: *I* am Queen Barksdale!
ELLI-GON: I wondered why she was so bossy.
JAKE: Wow! I saw a *Queen* naked.................
HELEN: Jake! (Points to Marianne) This is my decoy, my bodyguard. There are a lot of
crazy people out there, so I need someone to take the fall.
MARIANNE: Hey! You said you wanted a break from ruling...............
HELEN: (sweetly) Oh, yes. That too, Marianne. Anyway, the Fashion Federation has
destroyed everything we?ve worked for..............
KEVIN: We haven?t worked.
HELEN: They are forcing their shallow values on us.
DEMARTINO: So we?ll have to dress different, big deal.............
ELLI-GON: They kidnapped your mascot................
KEVIN: Fluffy?! WE HAVE TO GET THOSE BASTARDS!
(Crowd starts to get behind Kevin)
KEVIN: We have to kick their heads in!
(Crowd starts cheering)
KEVIN: I?m the QB!
ELLI-GON: (deadpan) That?s the spirit...........
(Cut to a shot of the Naboo Palace. Tiffany and Sandi are speaking with Darth Hideous)
SANDI: We like found their ship out in the swamp.
RITA: So, why haven?t you captured them?
TIFFANY: Us? In the swamp? We?ll get mud all over our *good* sneakers..............
(Cut to a shot of the forest. Helen, Eric, Elli-Gon and Amy-Won are discussing
ERIC: This football team doesn?t stand a chance against the droid army.
HELEN: The battle is a distraction, while they?re fighting, we can sneak into the
enter the throne room, and capture the Viceroy.
AMY-WON: But won?t many of the football players and cheerleaders be killed?
ELLI-GON: (smirking) Is there a problem with that?
ERIC: We have a plan for that. Once we?re in, our pilots will take fighters and destroy
droid control ship.
AMY-WON: That sounds like a lot of special effects.................
(Cut to a shot of the Naboo Palace. Darth Hideous is again speaking with Sandi,
SANDI: Like it?s just a bunch of football players.............
RITA: Hmm, still this isn?t like her, she?s too aggressive. Lord Paul, be mindful, let
make the first move.............
PAUL: But that Cynical bitch kicked me in the.................
(Rita interrupts him by waving her tongue at him in a sensual manner.)
PAUL: Yes, my master.............
(Rita?s image fades and Paul leaves)
SANDI: That was disgusting............
TIFFANY: That was soooooooooooo wrong.
(Cut to a shot of the fields outside the Naboo Palace The vast droid army of the
Federation had met the Lawndale High football team.)
KEVIN: All right, team. huddle up!
(The team gathers in a huddle as the droid tanks open fire. However, the shots bounce
harmlessly off the football player?s heads)
(Meanwhile in the Palace, Helen, Jake, Elli-Gon, Eric, Amy-won and Eric?s troops have
infiltrated the Palace and make their way to the hangar. The pilots board and streak
towards the droid control ship.)
JAKE: (hiding in a fighter, R-Ted accompanies him) Mommy!
AMY-WON: (deadpan) Oh, yeah. He?s gonna make a GREAT Cynic Knight.
(The rest take on the battle droids. After they are destroyed, the heroes walk towards
door leading further into the Palace.)
JAKE: Hey, wait for me!
ELLI-GON: why? So you can hide again whenever there?s trouble? No, keep hiding here.
It?ll save all of us some time.
(The door slowly opens revealing Darth Paul.)
(Music: ?Duel of the Fates? by John Williams.)
ELLI-GON: Well, well. If it isn?t the Man in Black..............but where?s Will Smith?
(Darth Paul responds by igniting a double-sided lightsabre)
AMY-WON: Hmm, looks like he?s not much for small talk.
ELLI-GON: (To Helen) What is this a pay-per-view fight? Get to the throne room!
(Helen and her troops try to leave, but are cut off buy Upchuck droids)
UPCHUCK DROIDS: Hello, my lovely femme fatales...............
HELEN: Oh, no...............
(Jake sees this and is infuriated)
JAKE: Get away from her, dammit! (Slams his fist on the control panel, accidentally
the engine on) Uh-oh............
UPCHUCK DROIDS: (Approaching Helen and her troops) Put your weapons down,
ladies, and I promise I?ll be gentle............Roooooooowwwwwwlllllllll!
(Jake fiddles with the controls until he finds the weapon trigger)
JAKE: Take that! (Blasts one of the Upchuck droids) And that! And that and that and
MARIANNE: Wow.............I think he likes you, Helen...............
HELEN: Don?t be ridiculous. I?m 16, he?s only 10.
MARIANNE: Maybe he likes older women................
ERIC: Can we talk about this later, we have to get to the throne room.
(Cut to a shot of Jake?s fighter)
JAKE: Dammit! How do I stop this thing?!
(R-Ted beeps incoherently, but he is plugged into the ship?s computer, so Jake can read
what he?s saying on his instruments)
JAKE: Gum?! No, we can?t fly to the store and get gum! We have to get back to the
(R-Ted beeps some more)
JAKE: Auto pilot? Well, turn it off!
(Cut back to the fields. Obviously, not even all their weapons can hurt the football
heads. So the droid foot soldiers are sent in)
KEVIN: (seeing the approaching droids) Ready, team?! Attack!
(Kevin finally uses his QB skills for something useful as he launches a football across
field. It strikes a droid, sending it flying backwards into a few other droids, destroying
them. A group of cheerleaders lead by Ra-Ra are cheering them on.)
CHEERLEADERS: Gimme an ?L?, Gimme an ?A? Gimme a...............
(Suddenly the group is blasted with a thermal detonator, sending the cheerleaders
Ra-Ra gets up, dazed)
RA-RA: Gimme...............a..............(passes out)
KEVIN: Babe! (Picks up the droid who threw the detonator) No one blows up my
girlfriend! DIE! (Throws the droid in to a group of others)
(Cut to a shot of the hangar. Amy-Won and Elli-Gon are dueling with Darth Paul.)
AMY-WON: Why does he fight us so damn hard? What did we do to him?
ELLI-GON: I sort of kicked him in the balls.............
AMY-WON: SORT OF?! How do you ?sort of? kick a guy in the nuts?! You either do, or
you don?t! (To Darth Paul)
ELLI-GON: Tell him that.
AMY-WON: (To Darth Paul) Look, I have no reason to fight you. Mama always said not
to fight without a............
(Darth Paul silences Amy-Won with a kick to the gut, sending her flying. she gets up
glares at him)
AMY-WON: Mama said knock you out! ( she leaps back up to the platform Elli-Gon and
Darth Paul are on. But she becomes separated for them by energy barriers)
(Cut to a shot of Jake?s fighter. It is honing in on the droid control ship. A group of
fighters closes in on Jake)
JAKE: Ahh! Leave me alone! It?s the damn auto pilot!
(Jake is hit by enemy fire. His shields hold up, but Jake is still knocked silly by the
Jake hits his head and turns beet red again)
JAKE: Gahh! DAMMIT! R-TED! Kill this damn auto pilot! (Jake is given control of the
craft) You sent them after me, didn?t you old man! well it?s not gonna work! I?m free,
(Jake executes a skillful loop and gets behind his attackers, with deadly accuracy, he
them off one by one)
JAKE: Ha ha! Who?s next?! (spots the hangar where the enemy fighters are coming from)
(Jake hasn?t time to think as he is hit from behind, his fighter is sent spiraling into
hangar where it skids to a stop.)
JAKE: Dammit! Nothing works..............(hits buttons and switches levers.)
(Cut to a shot of the palace. Helen and Marianne part ways.)
HELEN: Remember the plan................
MARIANNE: yes, your majesty.
(Helen walks up to the throne room and is immediately captured. she doesn?t seem
(Cut to a shot of the fields where Kevin is talking with DeMartino)
KEVIN: What?s the score, coach.
DEMARTINO: Kevin, is that tiny cluster of cells you call a BRAIN, comprehend what?s
DEMARTINO: This is a war! Not a game, son! And we?re getting our butts KICKED!
KEVIN: So................does this mean no party after?
DEMARTINO: VERY good, Kevin! Do us both a favor, see that crossfire of lasers over
DEMARTINO: Why don?t YOU take a walk through it?!
KEVIN: No problem, coach!
(Cut to a shot of the inner Palace where Darth Paul, Elli-Gon, and Amy-Won are all
separated by energy walls. Elli-Gon in kneeling with her eyes closed and Darth Paul glares
AMY-WON: Are you meditating or something?!
ELLI-GON: (Removes a pair of headphones) No, I?m trying to listen to my walkman, if
you don?t mind...............
(Elli-Gon starts to return the headphones when the energy walls fade. She and Darth
resume their fight. Amy-Won tries to join in, but is caught behind the last wall and must
ELLI-GON: So, what do you do when you?re not attacking Cynical women like us?
(Darth Paul doesn?t respond)
ELLI-GON: Whoa, you are pissed....................how long has it been since you?ve
(Darth Paul is furious, and without a word, disarms Elli-Gon with a skillful spin of
double lightsabre and stabs her in the chest...............)
(Amy-Won watches in horror as her friend and mentor falls at Darth Paul?s feet. Darth
Paul looks at his fallen opponent, then at Amy-Won, a wicked grin across his face.)
(Cut to a shot of the field where the football team is defeated and being rounded up by
DROID: Hands up!
RA-RA Oh, no! What?ll we do?!
DEMARTINO: Ahh, Ra-Ra, We are out gunned, outnumbered and surrounded! What do
YOU think we should DO?!
RA-RA: (Twirls her hair with a finger) Give................up?
DEMARTINO: VERY good, Ra-Ra! (All put their hands up.)
(Cut to a shot of the Throne room where Helen is smirking at Sandi and Tiffany)
SANDI: All right, your little insurrection or whatever, is over.
HELEN: I don?t think so..................
TIFFANY: And what are you gonna do?
HELEN: Sue you..................You see, in the Republic we have a delightful little
called ?litigation?. I?ll sue you, the Courts will have hearings, motions,
by the time the it?s decided, you?ll have spent so much money on lawyers that you won?t
be able to update your wardrobes for about...............20, 30 years............
SANDI: You wouldn?t!
HELEN: (smirking) Watch me..............
TIFFANY: We don?t believe you..............
HELEN: Well, then I?ll just have to kill you. (To the hall) Marianne!
(Marianne enters and lays waste with her blaster.)
SANDI: Like, get her or something!
(All the battle droids chase Marianne and her group, leaving Sandi and Tiffany alone
Eric and Helen. Helen retrieves 2 blasters from her throne and points them at Sandi and
HELEN: Now, you can leave in peace, leave with a lawsuit, or leave in a
(Cut to a shot of the control ship. Jake has finally got power back up. Once he does,
notices a flashing button)
JAKE: Wow...............neat! (pushes it. Two photon torpedoes shoot out and slam the
main reactor) Uh...............oops! I think we should get out of here, R-Ted!
(Jake bobs and weaves through the ship.)
JAKE: Where?s the damn horn?!
(Jake flies out of the hangar just as the ship explodes)
JAKE: YAHOO! TAKE THAT, OLD MAN!
JAKE: Yeah, I know he wasn?t on the ship! Don?t spoil a fantasy, R-Ted..........
(Cut to a shot of the fields where the droids suddenly go limp)
RA-RA: What?s going on?
KEVIN: Maybe they?re taking a nap...............
DEMARTINO: No! The droid control ship has been DEStroyed! LOOK!
(He knocks over a droid)
KEVIN: All right! Does that mean we won, coach?!
DEMARTINO: YES, Kevin! We won! And for the LAST time! I am NOT your coach!
KEVIN: Sorry, coach.
(Ra-Ra pulls Kevin away before he is strangled by DeMartino)
RA-RA: Come on, babe! Let?s go find a quiet spot and..............celebrate...........
KEVIN: All right! (To DeMartino) Later, coach!
(Cut to a shot of the inner Palace. Darth Paul paces about, looking at Amy-Won.
Amy-Won has just glared at him, as if looking right through him)
AMY-WON: Your ass is *so* kicked!
(The energy wall dissipates and Amy-Won leaps to the attack. As she fights, she hears
Elli-Gon?s voice in her head.)
ELLI-GON: (memory VO) Use the sarcasm, Amy-Won.
AMY-WON: (To Darth Paul) Your shoe is untied.....................
(Darth Paul looks down and Amy-Won uses the distraction to slice his weapon in half.
Leaving him with a regular lightsabre. But, Darth Paul recovers and kicks Amy-Won who
stumbles backwards into a pit. She hangs on to a ledge for dear life. Darth Paul stands
over the pit, smiling triumphantly. Suddenly Elli-Gon manages to roll over and speak.)
ELLI-GON: H......hey, look.
(She starts opening her robe. Camera cuts to Paul?s face to show he totally
entranced................Apparently, Elli-Gon has shown him more than Rita
has..............Camera remains on Paul?s face (Hey this is PG-13) Also, Amy-Won is seen
climbing out of the pit and sneaks up behind him, lightsabre ready)
AMY-WON: Game over...............
(Darth Paul turns around just in time to be sliced in half by Amy-Won?s lightsabre his
body parts fall down into the pit.)
AMY-WON: ...................but thank you for playing.
(She runs to Elli-Gon, who is covered enough for modesty?s sake)
ELLI-GON: He got me.................
ELLI-GON: Amy-Won.....................promise me you?ll train the boy...............his
will be the ?anti-social? one..................
AMY-WON: Why can?t I just train his child, then?
ELLI-GON: (smirking) Look, I?m dying, can?t you just agree to do everything I say,
I drag this Oscar scene out?
AMY-WON: (Smiles) Sorry. (Gets a sad, depressed look) Yes, master.....................
(Elli-Gon?s body goes limp in Amy-Won?s arms...........................)
(Cut to a shot of the terrace where Helen and Eric are seeing off Sandi and Tiffany)
HELEN: Now, Viceroy, you?re going to have to explain your actions to the Senate.
SANDI: Oh, we?ll just tell them we?ll never do it again, and they?ll let us off with a
(Helen sighs, knowing how well the Fashion Federation can manipulate the Senate. As
Sandi and Tiffany board, Newly elected Chancellor Palpatine exits the ship.)
RITA: We are indebted to your bravery, Amy-Won Kenobi, and yours as well, young
Skywalker..................we will watch your career with GREAT interest. (starts
HELEN: Congratulations on winning the election, Chancellor.
RITA: It?s you who should be congratulated, your Majesty.
HELEN: (feigning enthusiasm)No, you...........
RITA: (returning the false modesty) Oh no, you
AMY-WON: (To Eric) Are you sure they?re not sisters?
(Cut to a shot of a room in the Palace. Amy-Won in kneeling before Yo-Duh, who is,
what else? Painting.)
AMY-WON: You were saying something?
YO-DUH: (looking up from her painting) Oh, yeah Um, bestow on you the level of Cynic
Knight, the council does. But, agree with your taking this boy as your smartass learner, I
AMY-WON: Well, good thing for me I don?t need you to agree with me............besides,
Elli-Gon believes he will father the ?anti-social? one...........
YO-DUH: The ?anti-social? one?s father, he may be..................but I sense great
AMY-WON: You do?
YO-DUH: No, I don?t. Referring to the future, I was. A prequel, this
AMY-WON: Oh yeah..................
YO-DUH: Very well......................your smartass apprentice, Skywalker shall
(Cut to a shot of a funeral pyre burning. Nearly all the Lawndale football team and the
residents of the Naboo Palace are there, along with Amy-Won, Jake, Yo-Duh, and
AMY-WON: (thought VO) Hypocrites.................They all called you a ?brain?, they
always gave you crap about what we should do, even though you came through for us,
they didn?t even want us to be seen with them in public.................and now they?re
pretending to care at your funeral so no one will think they?re bad
know, in a sadistic sort of way, I?m glad you?re not here to see this.................
(Amy-Won ignores all the condolences everyone is giving her. She is trying her best not
cry. Jake approaches her and notices a single tear running down her cheek. He just stands
there with her for a moment before speaking to her.)
JAKE: What?s going to happen to me now?
AMY-WON: (composes herself) If it were up to me, kid, I?d ship you back to Tatooine to
live with your father...................
AMY-WON: But lucky for you, Elli-Gon made me promise to train you as a Cynic Knight
as her dying wish...................so I guess I?m stuck with you.
(Further down the line Yo-Duh and Barch are talking)
BARCH: No doubt that the evil warrior was a MAN!
YO-DUH: Knew that already, we did...................
BARCH: Well, I guess he was a sellout, then.................
YO-DUH: Always two there are...............................the bossy shepard, and the
BARCH: Hmm...........but which was destroyed?
(Cut to a shot of Rita)
RITA: (thought VO) That bitch, Amy-Won...................killing my apprentice after I
whipped him into shape...................I?ll show her, I?ll seduce HER apprentice into
me to replace the one she killed!
(All the while she has been laughing louder and louder as she played this scenario
her head. Soon she leaves with a LOT of people staring her way.)
AMY-WON: Hmm.............well maybe I?d cackle demonically too if I was just elected
Supreme Chancellor....................but she needs to find a more appropriate place to
(Cut to a shot of the terrace practically Everyone is there. Except Amy-Won and Jake.
to a shot of Jake leaving)
AMY-WON: Where are you going?
JAKE: I was gonna go to the party................
AMY-WON: What have I told you? Cynic Knights don?t go to parties where the only
reason to party is to be seen and enhance popularity.............
JAKE: I know..............and I hate parades................but..........
AMY-WON: You?re going to see Helen, aren?t you?
JAKE: Yeah! My old man never let me see any girls! But I?m gonna show him! I?m
AMY-WON: All right, all right! I suppose that?s a cynical enough reason to go, you?re
excused, young smartass.
JAKE: Well, I suppose that?s better than being a young dumbass.................
(Jake runs off, Amy-Won considers Jake?s comment and looks to the sky, speaking to
AMY-WON: Perhaps there?s hope for him after all....................(We hear Jake being
slapped and Helen yelling at him incoherently) Hmm................Maybe not.
OK, kids I know what you?re thinking....................?How can you have a Daria
without Daria?!? well relax, Daria was not in this because she plays the all too important
role of Daria Skywalker who does not appear till episode IV. Also a lot of regulars were
not in this one because I?m saving them for the next 3 episodes of Cynic Wars.
Note: I really focused on Jake?s resentment of his father. Since his father is dead in
show, we will never get to see him have it out with him. So for all those that want some
resolution to that issue, I wrote the pod race for you.
Episode IV: A new state of hopelessness.
Episode V: The Popular strike back.
Episode VI: Return of the Cynic
Featuring these characters
Princess Quinn Morgana (NO! I already know what you Daria/Trent shippers are saying. And
know I?m changing the storyline. Besides, Quinn is snotty and selfish enough to
be a Princess.................
And all reprising chars from this fic