A Daria Fan Fiction Story
(Part of the Daria: the OAV's Series)
Peter W. Guerin
With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, William Hanna, Joseph
Barbera, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Danny Bronstein, David Feiss, Gene
Roddenberry, Rick Berman, Michael Piller, Jeri Taylor, George Lucas, Alex
Toth, Akira Toriyama, Jerry Springer and Naoko Takeuchi.
None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As
for continuity within the Daria: the OAV's series, this story takes place
after the events of "This is Spinal Crap".
All "Daria" characters are © 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of
Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "Josie and the Pussycats", "Space Ghost" and "Cow and
characters are © 1966, 1970, 1995, 1997, 1998,1999 Hanna-Barbera
Productions/Ghost Planet Industries/Cartoon Network--a Time Warner
company. All Rights Reserved.
All "South Park" characters are © 1997, 1999 Branniff Productions/Comedy
Central. All Rights Reserved.
Blake Cartman and Spiral Taps are characters created by Danny Bronstein
for his "Daria"/"South Park" crossover "One Band Town".
All "Star Trek", "Star Trek: The Next Generation", "Star Trek:
Space Nine" and "Star Trek: Voyager" characters are © 1966, 1987, 1993,
1995, 1999 Paramount Pictures Corporation, a division of Viacom
International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
All "Star Wars" characters are © 1977, 1979, 1983, 1999 Lucasfilm, Ltd./
Twentieth Century-Fox Film Corporation, a News Corporation company. All
All "Dragon Ball Z" characters are © 1986, 1989, 1999 Bird Studios/
Sueishinsha/Fuji TV/Toei Animation Company, Ltd./Funimation Productions.
All Rights Reserved.
"The Jerry Springer Show" is a registered trademark of Studios USA, a
subsidiary of the Joseph A. Seagram's Co., Ltd.
All "Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon" characters are © 1992, 1995, 1999 Naoko
Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Co., Ltd./DIC Enterprises LP/Seagull
Entertainment, Inc./Program Exchange. All Rights Reserved.
"Battle of Who Could Care Less": Words and music by Ben Folds. © 1997
Sony/ATV Songs LLC (BMI). All rights administered by Sony/ATV Music
Publishing, 8 Music Square West, Nashville, Tennessee. Appearing on Ben
Folds Five's 1997 album "Whatever and Ever Amen" on Sony/550 Music/Epic
Records Group/Caroline Rec CD's and cassettes.
A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT
Endnotes to this document appear in parenthetical citation format. The
number in the parentheses refers to the appropriately numbered endnote in
the endnotes section of this document.
(TV Land is Heaven!)
("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play, and we see
Daria not laughing with the rest of the crowd at a movie theater at a
funny scene. At gym class, during a volleyball game, Daria and Jane let
the volleyball get past them, while Samantha Morris, the gym teacher,
scowls at them. Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker; Daria
gets out a "panic alarm", consisting of compressed air that lets out an
ear-piercing blast when activated. Kevin and Brittany clear out as Daria
goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not
cheering. At gym class again, Daria and Jane let the volleyball go past
them again, causing Ms. Morris to scowl at them again. At a funeral,
Jake, Helen and Quinn are crying over the casket, while Daria--still in
her usual outfit--calmly picks up a newspaper with the heading "JUDGE
IMPLICATED IN BRIBERY SCANDAL" on the front cover. Finally, at gym class
again, Ms. Morris is yelling at Daria and Jane for not participating when
Daria takes the volleyball, spikes it, and smashes it into Ms. Morris'
face, causing her to drop to the floor. Daria and Jane both smirk
sinisterly. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to
form the "Daria" logo on an orange background, below which is the caption
"in: 'Marathon Woman'" in black "Daria" script.)
Scene 1: The village green, Lawndale, 9:30 AM Monday. Background music:
the opening bass lines from "Higher Ground" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
(We see Jane Lane on her morning run, wearing her usual running outfit of
red shirt, white shorts and sneakers. Cut to Sandi Griffin running in the
opposite direction; she's wearing her St. Luke's Lutheran Church Track
Team outfit, which is a sky blue bikini-type outfit with the team name in
yellow lettering on the sports bra-like top. They're both running out of
steam, and stop to rest on opposite sides of the statue of the guy who is
famous, but no one knows why.  )
Jane: Man, I can feel my heart pounding!
(Cut to Sandi.)
Sandi: (Huffing.) I've got to do better than this for the Lawndale
Bakery Women's 5K Race coming up on Sunday!
(Cut to Jane.)
Jane: After this, I want to see how Daria's doing over at the "Lawndale
(Cut to Sandi.)
Sandi: Man, I need a drink. Luckily there's that water fountain over
there. (She proceeds to go over there. As she clears the turn, she
suddenly sees Jane.) Wait a minute. You're Jane Lane. I didn't know you
Jane: I guess you missed my brief career with the school track team. (3)
Sandi: I guess I did. I guess you know I'm with this church-sponsored
track team. Evan got me involved with it.
Jane: So I heard.
Sandi: Evan wants to talk to you one of these days. (Jane scowls.) I
know you feel he's a jerk because he acted like a typical jock, but after
you quit the team, it made him think about what was important to him in
his life. He's with the boys' team himself now, along with me on the
girls' team. Evan's brought me so much happiness. You know I'm entered
in the Lawndale Bakery Women's 5K Run this Sunday.
Jane: Yeah, I forgot that's happening.
Sandi: You still have time to enter it. I think Ms. Morris was going to
ask the local papers to put in some applications for the race in this
Jane: I might consider it. Well, I better finish up my run. Take it
easy, OK? (Begins to run again.)
Sandi: Sure. Bye! (She runs off in the opposite direction.)
(Slow pan to the right to some bushes, where we see Patty Wells has been
observing Jane and Sandi.  )
Patty: Soon, very soon, Sandi, you're going to pay for all the pain and
misery you've brought on your fellow students, especially Daria
Morgendorffer! (She takes out a long metal rod.) At the big race next
week, I'm going to whack you on the knee with the rod, then kidnap you!
Then I'll treat you just like you treated Daria--like shit! (Laughs
sinisterly to herself now.)
Scene 2: The offices of the "Lawndale Buzz", Dega Street, Lawndale, Noon
Monday. Background music: the opening accordion riffs from "My Baby's in
Love with Eddie Vedder" by Weird Al Yankovic.
(We now see the offices of the "Lawndale Buzz" for the first time. It's
on a walk-up office on the second floor of the same building that houses
Axl's Piercing Parlor.  The room is divided up into cubicles via
dividers a/la/"Dilbert". Monique Belanger, who's the editor and who's
mother, Heather, owns the paper, is at one cubicle, wearing the same
outfit she wore in the episode "Lane Miserables". Over at the next
cubicle is Daria Morgendorffer. Since it's been pretty damn hot as of
late, she's been resorting to wearing cooler clothes. Today she's wearing
a white, hippie-like summer minidress along with those famed Doc Martens
boots of hers. The dress has a V-like neckline making it look a bit like
lingerie, and showing that Daria's got some bust as was suggested in the
episode "Quinn the Brain" and C. E Forman's story "All Washed Up". At
third cubicle is one of the regular reporters for the "Buzz", Jared Jones;
a man with brown hair, beard and mustache, wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt,
faded black jeans and brown shoes. At the fourth cubicle, Andrea Hecuba
is here, wearing her usual gray shirt and black floor-length skirt; she's
busy doing her comic strip "Gothic Nights: The Adventures of Queen
Hecuba". All four are sweating, despite the industrial-sized fans in the
walls of the office, which apparently was once a factory at the turn of
the century. The sweat's made Monique's, Daria's and Andrea's breasts
stick through their shirts and dresses, and the nipples are somewhat
noticeable, while Jared's abs are showing through his sweat-soaked shirt.
Jared turns around to speak to Daria.)
Jared: What do you feel like having for lunch today, Daria?
Daria: As long as it's dead, I don't mind what we eat.
Jared: (Chuckling a bit.) Good one, Daria.
Andrea: (Sticking her head out of her cubicle.) May I remind you that
some of us here are vegetarians! (6)
Monique: Let's settle down, everyone.
Daria: Want to try that Pizza place Jane and I go to after school?
Jared: Yeah, you keep mentioning about that place and about your friend.
What's she like, anyway?
Daria: Well, she's an aspiring artist and general mischief-maker.
(Smirks that Mona Lisa grin.)
(As on cue, Jane now enters the office.)
Jane: And very damn proud of it, too.
Daria: Speak of the Devil, it's her.
Jane: (To Monique.) Hope you haven't been cracking the whip too much on
her. Trent's bound to find out about it if you have. (Smirks evilly
while Daria scowls a bit.)
Monique: Nah, I don't have to crack the whip with Daria at all. She's
actually a very good reporter. That story about Kevin Thompson's comeback
from a career-threatening injury's been the talk of the town. (7)
Jane: So I noticed. (She wipes her forehead.) Man, it's hot in here.
(Seeing how Daria's dressed and how the sweaty dress is making her breasts
stick through.) Man, you'd better be careful if Trent sees you like this.
He'd be all over you! (Smirks evilly again.)
Daria: (Blushing with embarrassment.) Jane, you ignorant slut. (8)
Jane: Hey, maybe before the summer's over, I gotta go over to your house
and try that new pool your folks put in. (9)
Daria: (Noticing that Jane's sweaty herself and that her own breasts are
sticking through her shirt.) Besides, this is the case of the pot calling
the kettle black.
Jane: What do you mean?
Daria: Look down and see for yourself.
(Jane looks down, and notices that her own breasts are sticking through
her sweaty shirt. Now it's Jane's turn to blush in embarrassment!)
Jane: (Now getting a bit miffed.) Why you--!
(She acts like she's about to lunge for Daria and wring her neck, but
then, she's interrupted by the appearance of Samantha Morris, the girls'
gym teacher at school. She's wearing her usual blue sweatsuit and has
some leaflets tucked underneath her left arm.)
Morris: Excuse me, Ms. Belanger, I'm Samantha Morris, girls' gym teacher
at Lawndale High. (She puts the leaflets on Monique's desk.) Could you
put these flyers in tomorrow's edition? They're applications for the
Lawndale Bakery Women's 5K Run.
Monique: Sure. (To Daria.) Make sure Lawndale Printing gets these when
you go out to lunch.
Morris: (Noticing Jane.) Well, Jane, happy to be free of me for the
summer, aren't you? You know, you're always welcome back on the track
team this fall.
Jane: And go through all that crap again, no thanks!
Morris: You're making a very big mistake here, Jane. It's just a shame
that it'll just reinforce the town's conceptions that your family's a
bunch of slackers.
Jane: Hey, they're not!
Morris: Then prove it. Enter the race. Fill out the form and give me
the $50 entrance fee. You can pick up your numbered bib at the YWCA this
Daria: Jane, don't let Ms. Morris force you into this. She's only trying
to set you up.
Morris: This coming from Ms. "I don't want to participate in gym, much
less any sports"!
Daria: Hell, you won't even catch me dead in one of those tartan
miniskirts the field hockey players wear. (10)
Morris: Well, Jane, are you in or are you out?
(Jane thinks for a minute, then grabs one of the applications and begins
to fill it out.)
Daria: Jane, what the Hell are you doing?
Jane: What does it look like? I'm entering the race.
Daria: You'll just make Ms. Morris feel she's won a moral victory.
(Jane finishes the application, takes out her wallet, grabs a $50 bill,
and hands that and the completed application to Morris.)
Jane: OK, Ms. Morris, I'm in. But let's make this interesting.
Morris: How so?
Jane: If I happen to win the Teen Division of the race, you'll pay me
$100, and you'll give Daria and I passing grades for gym this year, even
if we don't show up at all. If I happen to win the race overall, then, in
addition to all that, you and Ms. Li will have to do cheerleader routines
at the front yard of the school--in full cheerleaders outfits.
Daria: Tit for tat, Jane? (11)
(Jane scowls at Daria for that remark.)
Morris: And, if you lose?
Jane: Then I'll pay you $100, rejoin the track team, and do what you tell
me to--no questions asked.
Daria: Jane, don't be a fool and make this bet. You'll probably regret
Morris: (She can't resist the bet after the terms Jane set for if she
loses now, can't she?) You drive a hard bargain, Jane, but it's a deal.
(They shake hands.) See you later this afternoon at the YWCA when you get
your numbered bib?
Jane: You betcha.
Morris: Fine. See you then. (To herself now.) I know Jane Lane. She
can't go the distance. It's going to be like shooting ducks in a barrel!
(Laughs sinisterly to herself now as she exits.)
Daria: Jane, you just did a foolish thing. You've literally sold
yourself to the Devil.
Jane: Nah, just to one of his demons. (Smirks evilly.) Listen, Daria, I
can do this. If I win the race, it'll shut Ms. Morris up once and for
all. And, besides, it'll mean a free ride for us at gym class.
(Monique's phone now begins to ring. She answers it.)
Monique: Hello, "Lawndale Buzz". Editor-in-chief Monique Belanger
speaking. (Pauses as she hears the conversation.) You don't say.
(Pauses again.) OK, I'll send a reporter down there. (Pauses.) OK, bye.
(She hangs up the phone.) That was Andrew Landon. He's going to make
an important announcement this afternoon at 2:30. Daria, I want you to
Jane: Isn't he Jodie's dad?
Daria: You met him when his family and mine went to that picnic at High
Hills Park. (12)
Jane: Oh, I remember now.
Daria: Want to accompany me to this?
Jane: Sure; I can't think of a better way to blow my afternoon. (She and
Daria now both smirk evilly.)
Daria: OK. Let me just call Molly and ask her if she wants to join us.
(She goes to the phone and dials.)
Scene 3: Landon residence, Lawndale, 2:30 PM Monday.
(A huge crowd of reporters is gathered on the front lawn. Reporters from
all three TV stations in town as well as radio and TV stations are here.
Daria and Jane are toward the back of the crowd; here with them is Molly
Andrews, the little girl they saved from a beating in the poem "A Girl
Like Me" and who has been living with the Morgendorffers since Jake and
Helen got foster custody of her in "This is Spinal Crap". Andrew Landon
now steps out of the house, along with his wife Michele, daughters Jodie
and Rachel, and baby son Evan.)
Daria: Well, I wonder what big announcement Mr. Landon's going to make?
Jane: Maybe he's going to run for the Senate in New York City and give
Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani and Rick Lazio (13) a run for their money!
Molly: I think he's going to make his big announcement now.
(Andrew clears his throat to get the crowd's attention.)
Andrew: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the press. I guess
you're wondering why I asked all of you out here today. Well, I have a
very important announcement to make. I have decided to declare my
candidacy for the open seat on the Lawndale Unified School District Board
of Education. I have decided to seek this seat in order to help improve
our school district by making key reforms. There is no place in this
district that needs reform more than our own high school. It has come to
my attention that the school's principal, Angela Li, has been abusing her
powers. Excessive amounts of money have been spent for excessive levels
of security there, much of which cannot clearly be justified even in these
days when we've had shootings in Colorado and Georgia recently. Not only
that, it is my understanding that students are forced--under pain of
suspension or even expulsion--to participate in school activities against
their will. Now I know as well as anyone that extracurricular activities
make for a well-rounded student, and my oldest daughter Jodie is living
proof of that.
(Fast cut to Jodie, who closes her eyes and puts her hand to her
Jodie: (To herself.) You don't even know the half of it, Dad.
Andrew: Nevertheless, forcing students who don't particularly care or
don't have the time to go to these is counterproductive and inane, and is
in clear violation of certain rights. I take as an example what happened
to Ted DeWitt-Clinton.
Molly: What happened in that case, Daria?
Daria: Well, I guess I should tell you about it, since you weren't here
for that. (14) (Misty dissolve back to the Medieval Fair in the "Fair
Enough" episode. We're at the jousting pit where Anthony DeMartino, the
social studies teacher, is wearing a knight's helmet and bears a lance.
We're at the moment in the episode where DeMartino's just defeated Jamie
White.) It had happened at the Medieval Fair last year. Ted was at the
jousting pit and Mr. DeMartino just defeated Jamie White.
DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) NEXT!!!!!!!!!!
(Cut to the crowd outside the pit, where we see Ted DeWitt-Clinton there
among the spectators, along with Jeffy Malone and Joey LaPann.)
Jeffy: Hey, Ted, why not enter the pit?
Ted: Well, I don't know, guys. . .
Joey: C'mon, it'll be fun!
(Jeffy and Joey shove Ted into the pit.)
DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) Well, if it isn't Ted
DeWitt-CLINTON! I reMEMber when you and DarIa were on the
YEARBOOK staff! (15) Prepare to MEET your DOOM!
(He now lunges at Ted with the lance, and knocks him down, his glasses
Ted: I'm going to tell my parents on you! (He runs out of the pit.)
Jeffy and Joey: Crybaby!
Daria: (Voice-over.) Of course, what happened next was inevitable.
(The scene now shifts to Ms. Li's office a couple of days later. Li is
minding her own business when Helen enters the room. Li looks up from her
paperwork and rolls her eyes.)
Helen: Ms. Li, I guess you remember me, Helen Morgendorffer, attorney
with the law firm of Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Schrecter, Schrecter, and
Schrecter. We had met at Jim's Paintball Jungle. (16) I'm Daria and
Li: (Icily.) Oh, yes, I remember you.
Helen: I'm here on behalf of Ted DeWitt-Clinton. His parents have
retained my services on his behalf. He's filed a complaint that you
compelled him to go to the Medieval Fair and participate in an activity
that goes against his family's religious beliefs.
Li: What the Hell are you talking about?
Helen: He claims--and Daria and Quinn have backed me up on this--that you
force the entire student body to participate in student activities against
their will, under pain of suspension, or worse.
Li: Well, if you don't force students to participate in these activities,
they won't bother to show up at all.
Helen: Well, we still have something in this nation called the Bill of
Rights, Ms. Li, including freedom or religion. Ted's family are Quakers,
and they are strongly opposed to the use of violence. According to Ted,
he was forced against his will to participate in the jousting pit being
ran by social studies teacher Anthony DeMartino, where he was knocked down
to the ground.
Li: I can't be held responsible for that, Mrs. Morgendorffer.
Helen: We'll see about that. (She hands Li a summons.)
Li: What is this?
Helen: The DeWitt-Clinton family has filed suit against you, this school
and the school district for $25 million. Failure to show up at court will
be construed as contempt. See you on Thursday. (She leaves, causing Li
Daria: (Voice-over.) When it reached trial, Ms. Li was in for the
surprise of her life.
(Cut to the Lawndale Municipal Courthouse. Judge Cornelius J. Reinhardt,
the judge featured in C. E. Forman's stories "To Helen Back", "Rain on
Your Parade", "Quinntet" and "Driven Wild", is presiding.)
Reinhardt: While extracurricular activities do make for a well-rounded
student, forcing all students to participate is against constitutional
guarantees of freedom of choice in one's actions. Further, forcing the
plaintiff to participate in an activity that went against his personal
beliefs is also unconstitutional. Therefore, my judgment is for the
plaintiff for $25 million dollars. (Bangs gavel.) We stand in recess
until 3:00 PM.
(Cut to Li, who has a shocked look on her face. She follows Reinhardt to
Li: Why did you do that? Remember I bribed you to give the school
marching band first prize at the Lawndale Days talent competition! (17)
Reinhardt: Talent competitions are one thing; violating constitutional
freedoms is another. Now get out of here before I call security!
(Li storms out of Reinhardt's chambers. Judge Kathy Feeder, from "No
Nudes is Good Nudes", "Outbitched" and "This is Spinal Crap",
Li nearly bowls her over in her rage.)
Feeder: Hey! Watch it!
Li: Just mind your own place, sister! This is Angela Li, Principal of
Lawndale High you're talking to!
Feeder: And you're talking to Judge Katherine T. Feeder, Lawndale City
Court Judge! And if you give me more of your imperious attitude to me,
I'll call security!
Li: You've got a fresh mouth on you, don't you!
(Judge Feeder turns to two security guards.)
Feeder: Security, please remove this lady to the holding cells. She's
(The guards go to Li, and grab her.)
Li: Hey! Let me go! (They take her down the hall. She now shouts at
the top of her lungs.) YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS!
I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WON'T!!!!!!!!
(Feeder just smirks to herself. Misty dissolve back to the present, and a
head-and-shoulders shot of Daria.)
Daria: Ted's parents decided to donate the money to charity. After that,
Ms. Li could no longer force students to go to extracurricular activities
against their will. Then she came up with the idea of giving "life
experience credits" to those who did participate. And that's about the
Andrew: And I promise that if I'm elected, a full accounting of Ms. Li's
activities will be made.
Daria: (Scowling a bit now.) That will be the day.
(Jane and Molly smirk evilly.)
Scene 4: The Rowe residence, 700 Pinewood Road, Lawndale, 7:30 PM
Monday. Background music: the opening piano bars of "Closing Time" by
(We see Stacy Rowe and Ted DeWitt-Clinton sitting on a sofa in the living
room. Stacy is wearing the outfit she's been wearing since she quit the
Fashion Club: her hair's down, a faded T-shirt, baggy jeans and Vans
sneakers. She and Ted are watching "Sick, Sad World" on TV. The TV is
showing a shot of someone [who's hand is the only thing showing] patting a
teenage girl with blonde hair and blue eyes wearing a pink blouse and a
red miniskirt on the head, then copping a free feel of her legs. The
unidentified person runs away, leaving the girl crying.)
"SSW" Announcer: Could this mysterious "girl petter" be lurking in
neighborhood? We'll tell you the story of this depraved individual next,
here on "Sick, Sad World"! (18)
Stacy: EEP! (She jumps up and grabs onto Ted.)
Ted: Calm down, Stacy! I doubt that guy could ever terrorize you!
Stacy: Oh, Ted, you're so brave!
Ted: Gee, thanks!
(Stacy and Ted look at each other for a second. Slow zoom into them as
they get closer, then they French kiss. Suddenly, we hear a whizzing
sound, then something bonks Stacy on her head.)
Stacy: OW! (She rubs her head, then cut to what caused the interruption:
Stacy's kid brother Ronald, who's about seven years old, had brown hair
and brown eyes. He's wearing a white T-shirt and denim coveralls. He's
snickering to himself.) Ronald! (He runs away from the living room.)
You get back here this instant! (She runs off in pursuit of him.)
Ted: Well, so much for that intimate moment!
Scene 5: The Zen, Dega Street, Lawndale, 9:30 AM Tuesday.
(We see Candy Kaine, president of the Fashion Club, enter the place.
Candy's wearing a pretty yellow summer minidress. Behind her are the
members of the electronica group she manages, Motoko.  The band
members are: Quinn on lead vocals and lead keyboards; Samantha Kerr on
lead guitar; Karen Anderson on electric drums; Maxine Boggs on bass;
Louise Cobb on synthesizer and turntable; and Lita Hanazawa, also on
synthesizer. They're all dressed the same they were when they were first
introduced, including Quinn's infamous red miniskirt from "The Lab Brat".
Candy goes up to the manager of the Zen, a man in his late twenties with a
red Mohawk cut, earrings on both ears, a denim vest with no shirt and
Manager: Yo! What can I do for you ladies?
Candy: Well, I'm Candy Kaine, and I manage this new electronica band
called Motoko. We were hoping to book a gig here at the Zen.
Manager: Candy Kaine? THE Candy Kaine who plays Karen Isaiah on
"LaFrance Prep"? (20)
Candy: (Grinning.) The one and only.
Manager: Hey, my kid sister Nicole likes your show! (21)
Candy: Gee, thanks.
Manager: OK, why don't I listen to you guys play a song? If you sound
interesting, I can book you for one week from this Friday. What do you
Candy: Sure. (To Quinn.) Get set up.
Quinn: OK. (She and the others set up at the stage, which surprisingly
still has Mystik Spiral's banner on the wall. After a few minutes, Quinn
and the others are ready.) OK, this is going to be a twist on a rather
recent song. I hope you enjoy it.
(Quinn cues Karen, who does a drum intro, then they all go into the
"Doooo-dooo-doooo-dooooo" intro of "Battle of Who Could Care Less" by
Folds Five. Quinn gets up to the microphone.)
Quinn: Do you not hear me anymore/I know it not your thing to care/I know
it's cool to be so bored/But it sucks me in when you're aloof/It sucks me
in, it sucks it works/I guess it's cool to be alone.
Will you never rest/Fight the Battle of Who Could Care Less/Everyday you
wake up late/Sometimes I wish I was that way
And you think "Rockford Files" is cool/But there are some things that you
would change/If it were up to you/So think about your masterpiece/Watch
"The Rockford Files"/Call to see if Paul can score some weed
Will you never rest/Fight the Battle of Who Could Care Less/Unearned
unhappiness/That's OK I guess
I've got this great idea/Why don't we pitch it to the Franklin fucking
Mint/Fine pewter portraits of General Apathy and Major Boredom/
Singing. . ."Whatever and Ever, Amen"
Oh, well maybe not try again/This should cheer you up for sure/See, I've
got your old ID/And you're all dressed up like The Cure
Will you never rest/Fight the Battle of Who Could Care Less/Unearned
unhappiness/You're my hero, I confess
(The manager claps in appreciation.)
Manager: Well done, ladies. You've got the gig.
Quinn: (Loudly.) WHOOP! We did it! We did it!
(She's embraced by the other band members. Cut to the outside.)
Candy: Well, I have to congratulate you ladies. You did it.
Quinn: Thanks to you, Candy. How did you manage to get them to listen
Candy: Oh, I just mentioned to him that Daria knew Trent. He figured
that if he knew you and Daria you couldn't be that bad.
Quinn: Then again, he still sometimes calls me (Doing a rather lame-o
impersonation of Trent.) "Daria's sister".
(Suddenly, an unknown hand pops out of a nearby alleyway. Karen sees it
go toward Quinn.)
Karen: Quinn, look out!
(Quinn tries to duck, but it's too late, and the hand begins to pat her on
the head. The man that's attached to it is wearing all black, including a
Girl Patter: NICE GIRL! NICE, NICE GIRL!!!!!!
Quinn: HEY! CUT IT OUT! CUT IT OUT!!!!!!
(Maxine runs to Quinn's rescue, but just before she can let loose and kick
the guy in the testicles, the assailant cops a free feel off Quinn's legs,
causing her to shriek. He runs away, laughing. Maxine tries to catch up
with him, and Candy holds her back.)
Candy: Let him go, Maxine. I'm pretty sure some people have seen him and
have already called for the police. (She now goes to Quinn, who's a bit
shaken.) Are you all right, Quinn?
Quinn: (Sounding upset.) I was afraid he was going to rape me. (She
embraces Candy, and cries.)
Candy: It's OK, Quinn. It's over now.
(The rest of Motoko surround their shaken-up comrade.)
Louise: If they catch this creep, we'll teach him a lesson he won't
forget, right, ladies?
(The rest of the band gives a "Thumbs Up" to that idea.)
Quinn: Can we go home now, Candy? I need to sort things out.
Candy: Sure. (They now head off for the Morgendorffer residence.)
Scene 6: Lawndale Jail, 12:30 PM Tuesday. Background music: the opening
bass lines from "Drunken Maria" by The Monks.
(We're in the visitor's area. Molly's Dad,  wearing orange prisoner's
overalls, is on one side of the Plexiglas, while Brad Schlitz,  the
leader of the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association, and Bob Bombardier, a fat
man with black hair and a mustache, who's wearing a beige ball cap with
the blue interlocking "LTA" logo on it, are on the other side of it.)
Molly's Dad: Well, any news?
Bombardier: We think we might get that Judge Reinhardt to hear the
divorce case and render a favorable decision--for the right price, of
Molly's Dad: How much is he asking for?
Schlitz: About $100,000.
Molly's Dad: Shit, man! I don't have that much money!
Schlitz: Don't sweat it, man. We've got secret Swiss bank accounts that
we funnel our money to. Mainly, the dues we collect from our members and
any profits from gun sales. We do pretty brisk trade selling weapons to
fellow taxpayers' groups, property rights groups and militias around the
country as well as right-wing terrorist groups around the world.
Molly's Dad: What do I have to do in return?
Bombardier: We'll just need your help when this new person we're
expecting to head up the Lawndale Militia--the armed wing of our
organization--arrives with this book he promises will lead to us taking
over the country. (24)
Molly's Dad: This sounds cool to me.
Schlitz: Just leave it all up to us. Soon your daughter will be back in
your arms and away from that bitch of a wife you've got now.
(Molly's Dad begins to laugh sinisterly, and is quickly joined by Schlitz
and Bombardier.) (25)
Scene 7: Village Park, 2:30 PM Tuesday.
(We see Jane out here, practicing for the Lawndale Bakery Women's 5K Run.
Instead of her usual running outfit, she's now wearing a red bikini-type
running outfit. Jane stops at the statue, catching her breath. Suddenly,
she feels a tap of her shoulder.)
Jane: (Taken completely off-guard by that.) AAAAAAA! (26) (She now
turns around and sees that it's just Evan.) Evan, you son of a bitch, you
Evan: Calm down, Jane; you make it sound like I was trying to rape
Jane: (Getting her wits about her again.) Sorry, it's just you're the
last person I was expecting to see.
Evan: I didn't mean to startle you. I apologize.
Jane: As damn well you should! (Puts her fist up against his face.)
Evan: Jane, I know you're mad at me because of what happened when you
were on the track team. But I want to tell you that I'm a changed man
now. And I owe it all to you.
Jane: (With a look of surprise on her face.) Really?
Evan: Really. After you quit, I really began to think about what was
really important to me in my life. I then came to the realization that
getting out of tests because I was on the track team was wrong. I quit
the team myself and devoted my life to Jesus. I became a "born-again"
Lutheran after Pastor Collier arrived here in town recently. (28) When he
organized St. Luke's own track team, I decided to join up. I persuaded
Sandi to join the team as well. (29)
Jane: You persuaded Sandi to join your church's track team? (Suddenly
closing her eyes and putting her hand to her forehead like she's suddenly
getting a headache.) This is getting too weird.
Evan: Jane, I want to make up for how I treated you in the past. Will
you forgive me for whatever harm I did to you?
Jane: Evan, whatever harm you did to me was inconsequential; only the
collective pride of Daria and I were slightly bruised when Ms. Morris made
us do cheerleader exercises after I quit the team. (Smirks evilly now.)
I think Darren and Amanda Lane's youngest daughter's going to do all right
for herself. (30)
Evan: Just thought I'd ask. But if you need anything, just ask for me,
Jane: I'll keep it in mind. I've got to continue practicing for the big
race now. See you. (She's about to go.)
Evan: Hey, that's great! Sandi's going to be in it as well!
Jane: (Blasé.) Wonderful. (She goes.)
Scene 8: Daria's room at the Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks
Lane, Lawndale, 8:30 PM Tuesday. Background music: the opening piano and
sound effects from "Allentown" by Billy Joel.
(We see Daria and Jane in here. Daria's wearing the brown T-shirt she
normally wears underneath her green field jacket, the yellow shorts from
her gym uniform and socks, while Jane's wearing the black T-shirt she
normally wears beneath her red jacket, her white running shorts and
sneakers. They're watching "Cow and Chicken" on Cartoon Network.)
Cow: (On TV.) What's the madder, Big Brudder? Why are you so mad?
Chicken: (On TV.) That Red Guy's up to sumpin' again, that's what! He's
been bringing in a lot of pig butts into his house recently.
(The Red Guy now approaches, bouncing around on his big, fat, bare red ass
with another bunch of pig butts.)
Red Guy: (On TV.) Ohhh, what's the matter, Cow and Chicken?
(Shouting.) MAD THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY PIG
BUTTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I'M CORNERING THE MARKET, AND
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME!!!!!!!!!!
Chicken: (On TV.) If Supercow was here, she'd whip your big fat butt!
Red Guy: (On TV.) Ohhh, but SUPERCOW ISN'T HERE NOW,
Cow: (On TV.) I'll fix that! (She runs off. A couple of seconds later,
we see Supercow.)
Supercow: (On TV.) ¡E Supercow rescante! (She takes her udder and whips
the Red Guy with it. The Red Guy now retreats, dropping his pig butts.)
Chicken: (On TV.) Thanks a lot, Supercow!
Supercow: (On TV.) ¡Andele! Andele! (She runs off.)
Chicken: (On TV.) After that, there's only one thing to say: (The scene
irises out, as we see the word "END" on the screen now.) ENNNNND!
Daria: (Monotone as ever.) Tex Avery, eat your heart out.
Jane: Hell, I could do better! (31)
Daria: So, Evan paid a visit to you today.
Jane: Yeah, he did. He sounds sincere enough, like he's turned things
around with his life.
Daria: I'll believe it when I see it. Guys like him are so narcissistic.
Jane: Well, I guess we'll have to wait and see. (Pauses.) So, what's up
with your sister? She didn't come down for dinner, and she's been holed
up in her room for hours.
Daria: I saw her when I came home from the paper. She seemed really
(There's a sudden knock on the door, which is open. We see Jamie White at
the door. Daria and Jane look at him with surprise.)
Jane: When did you decide to lower your standards and try to ask girls
like us out?
Jamie: Uh, is Quinn here?
Daria: She's in her room, but I have to warn you; right now she's even
more temperamental than I am.
Jamie: Uh, OK. (He goes.)
Jane: What exactly happened to her?
Daria: Maybe Cashman's ran out of scrunchies. (Smirks that Mona Lisa
smile, which Jane reciprocates with her evil smirk.)
(Fast cut to Jamie at Quinn's door. He knocks.)
Jamie: Uh, Quinn, it's me, Jamie.
Quinn: (Barely audible.) Leave me alone, Jamie. (We can hear her begin
to sob a bit.)
Jamie: Quinn, whatever's bothering you, you can tell me. Besides, your
folks called me and asked me to speak to you. Please?
(The door opens, and we see Quinn. She looks disheveled, her mascara's
been running from her crying fits, and her hair's a mess.)
Quinn: OK, but just for a minute.
(Jamie enters. He looks around and notices the stuffed dolls in the room,
including the stuffed dog he gave her that's mentioned in "The Daria
Diaries". He notices the other dolls that the other two J's have given
her as well.)
Jamie: Uh, Quinn, where did you get those stuffed dino and duck dolls
Quinn: (Blushing.) Uh, I'd rather not discuss it right now.
Jamie: Quinn, what happened?
Quinn: This guy jumped me, patted me on the head and copped a free feel
off my legs! (She begins to cry again. Jamie hugs her.)
Jamie: They Mystery Girl Patter! I heard about him on "Sick, Sad World"!
Quinn: (Suddenly repulsed by that remark.) EWW! You actually watch
Jamie: Well, once in a while.
Quinn: (Suddenly cheering up a bit.) Well, Daria watches it all the
time, along with Jane. That show is so weird. (She giggles a bit now.
Jamie joins her.)
Jamie: Uh, Quinn, you're cheering up now.
Quinn: Gee, I am?
(We now hear a knock on the door. It's Jake and Helen.)
Jake: Hey, kids, how's it going?
Helen: Quinn, honey, are you beginning to feel better?
Quinn: Yeah, I am, Mom, Dad.
Jake: That's my girl. (He goes up to her and hugs her.) Thanks for
stopping by and helping cheer Quinn up, Jamie.
Jamie: Yeah, sure, no problem.
Helen: Quinn, we saved you some of that fried chicken we had for dinner
for you. Want to come down and eat something now?
Quinn: Sure, what the heck. Mom, Dad, that Mystery Girl Patter really
Jake: Mystery Girl Patter?
Helen: You know, the one featured on that God-awful show Daria watches.
Jake: Oh, yeah, that one. I liked the feature about the Doc Martens
Helen: (Shrieking.) Who asked you, Jake?
Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry, Helen.
(Quinn smirks a bit of that Mona Lisa smile herself, along with Jamie.)
Scene 9: Ms. Li's apartment, 9:15 PM Tuesday.
(We see this apartment for the first time, apparently in a better part of
Lawndale. It's kept rather neatly appointed, with plastic covering all
over the sofas and chairs, etc. Li is here with Morris, who's talking
about the upcoming race.)
Morris: We're getting a lot of last-minute entries for the race.
Li: That's good. Though I can't compel the whole town to participate
like I can force the students at school to participate in extracurricular
activities, this will bring honor to the City of Lawndale and Lawndale
Morris: Yeah, and Lenny Lawndale the Rabbit should keep the kids
entertained as well. (33) Oh, by the way, Jane Lane's entered the race.
Morris: She's one tough nut to crack, but she did. Entered into a bet
with her as well.
(Li gets outraged.)
Li: You did WHAT!
Morris: It was the only way I could get her to enter the race. Besides,
it's a sure thing she won't win it; after all, the Lane family is all
slackers, even that dumb-ass brother of hers who fronts that band I
hearing about all the time.
Li: It wasn't bad enough that Mr. Landon's decided to seek a seat on the
Board of Education--now this! It's time I brought down the iron fist on
both Ms. Lane and Mr. Landon. It's time to teach them a lesson that they
will not soon forget!
Morris: What are you planning on doing?
Li: Spy on the both of them, that's what! Then I'll bring the both of
them down in flames!
(We now hear Li laugh sinisterly to herself, as Morris shoots a puzzled
look at her. We now hear Janet Wygal singing "Excuse me! Excuse me!" as
we see a widescreen shot of Jane running in her new bikini running outfit
in slow-motion and in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed
COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1
Announcer: On a special one hour edition of "Celebrity Deathmatch", it's
"Star Trek" versus "Star Wars"! In our main event, see Mr. Spock take
(Show a shot of Spock and Vader fighting. Vader's doing his heavy
Vader: I will crush you with the dark side of the Force, Spock! (He
tires to do his long-distance choking schtick, but it's not working on
Spock.) What the Hell? It's not working!
Spock: Darth Vader, you are displaying a rather emotional response to
your apparent failure to choke me. (He gives Vader the Vulcan Grip,
accompanied by that sudden, jarring note they always played on the
original series when he did that. Vader falls to the canvas.)
Announcer: Also, see two of the Universe's greatest Don Juans--Captain
Kirk and Han Solo--battle each other!
(Show a shot of Kirk and Solo fighting.)
Solo: I've bedded Leia, you Starfleet has-been! (He punches him in the
Kirk: Oh, yeah? I bedded a lot more princesses, queens and other broads
than you have. Now I know why they call you Han Solo! How do you get
your date drunk, by pouring beer over your right hand? (He kicks him in
Announcer: Plus, see Data take on C3PO!
(Show a shot of Data battling C3PO. Data takes out a phaser and shoots
C3PO. Mills Lane looks at the situation.)
Lane: I'll allow it!
C3PO: Oh, my goodness! You don't fight fair, do you?
Data: At least I do not fall apart as often as you do. (He rips C3PO's
Announcer: In the Dome of Doom, see the Borg take on the Battledroids.
(Show a shot of the Borg and the Battledroids fighting in the Dome of
Borg Drone # 1: We are Borg. You will be assimilated.
(The Battledroids open fire, shooting down a lot of Borg.)
Borg Drone # 2: Weren't these Battledroids supposed to be the
Federation's newest weapon?
Borg Drone # 3: Wrong Federation, dummy! (He smacks Borg Drone # 2
upside his head).
Announcer: Then, see Captain Janeway take on Princess Leia!
(Show a shot of Janeway and Leia fighting.)
Leia: If I was in command of Voyager, I wouldn't have gotten us lost!
(She smacks Janeway upside her head.)
Janeway: Well, I would have put up a better defense against Vader and
wouldn't have allowed myself to be captured so easily like you were in the
first film! (She knees Leia in the groin.)
Announcer: Finally, see the Universe's two biggest dweebs, Jar Jar Binks
and Grand Nagus Rom, battle each other!
(Show a shot of Jar Jar and Rom fighting.)
Jar Jar: Meesa don't like you, mon! (He noogies Rom.)
Rom: That's no way to treat the Grand Nagus--I think. (He whacks Jar Jar
upside his head with the Grand Nagus' staff.)
Jar Jar: Meesa don't think that was nice! (He chases Rom all over the ring.)
Rom: I WANT MY MOOGIE!!!!!!!!!!
Announcer: That's all happening on a special one hour edition of
"Celebrity Deathmatch"! Coming this Thursday night at 10:00 PM Eastern,
9:00 PM Central, only on MTV!
Announcer: On an all-new season of "Road Rules", we have America's media
moguls drive our Winnebago across Canada.
(Show a shot of the Winnebago traveling the Trans-Canada Highway. Cut to
the inside, where we see Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Rupert Murdoch, Michael
Eisner, Steve Forbes and Barry Diller.)
Turner: (On cel phone.) I don't care if Woody objects! I want
Eisner: (On another cel phone.) Let the purists object! I'm giving the
green light on an animated version of "The Scarlet Letter"! Find Elton
John and have him write up the soundtrack! And find Cree Summer to voice
Hester Prynn! (34)
Diller: (On a third cel phone.) Anyway we can squeeze in some barely
legal T&A into "G vs. E"? (35)
Murdoch: (On a fourth cel phone.) See if we can't get Shannen Doherty to
break her contract with "Charmed" so we can bring back Brenda for a
romp-in-the-hay reunion with Dylan for the final episode of "90210"!
Forbes: (On a fifth cel phone.) See if you can set up a $5000 a plate
dinner to raise money for my next GOP presidential nomination bid!
Gates: (On a sixth cel phone.) You've closed the deal? Great! I'll
sign the paperwork when I get back. (He hangs up.)
Turner: What was that all about, Bill?
Diller: Bought out another software maker?
Gates: Better than that. I just bought out all of you guys' companies!
(The others gang up on Gates. Cut to the outside, where the Winnebago
begins to careen out of control, then plunges down a cliff, and blows up
Announcer: That's all happening on the new season of "Road Rules"!
Premiering this Tuesday night at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only
ACT EARTH 2
(I O. D. on the Sci-Fi Channel, especially on Saturday Anime!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!)
Scene 1: the village park, 9:30 AM Wednesday. Background music: the
opening drum and guitar notes (and Ozzy Osbourne's growling "I AM
IRON MAN!") from "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath.
(We see Jane on her usual morning run. She takes a few laps around the
statue. Pan to the right as we see Ms. Li hiding in some bushes, taking
Li: I've got to find out what Ms. Lane's strengths and weaknesses are.
After that, I'll persuade Ms. Griffin to cheat in the race in order to
bring honor to Lawndale High. (She sounds dreamy as she says "bring honor
to Lawndale High". She than laughs sinisterly. Cut back to Jane, who
now finishes her laps around the statue and runs off.)
Scene 2: Lawndale Bus Terminal, (36) 3:45 PM Wednesday.
(We now see a bus pull up to the terminal. The front of the bus says
"South Park-Lawndale" on it. We now see Spiral Taps, the band featured in
Danny Bronstein's "Daria"/"South Park" crossover "One Band
Town", step out
of the bus. Lead singer and guitarist Blake Cartman steps out first,
followed by the bassist and drummer.)
Blake: At long last, we're here at Lawndale! Now we'll put our plan into
Drummer: Hey, why are we here for again?
Blake: I want revenge against Mystik Spiral for showing us up back at
South Park! And we can do that by landing that spot as opening band for
the upcoming Cat People concert. Not only that, if we can impress those
A&R people from Warner Bros. Records, we'll get a contract out of it as
Bassist: Cool, man!
Blake: Anyway, anyone know what this Cat People band's like?
Drummer: Man, I've heard rumors that they were something else back in the
Blake: I hear the lead singer's now a big-time alcoholic.
Bassist: Well, whatever, I hear they kick big-time ass.
Blake: We'll see.
(They grimly leave the terminal.)
Scene 3: Room 325, Lawndale Ramada, 4:15 PM Wednesday. Background music:
the opening guitar riffs from "Violet" by Hole.
(The room looks trashed as the scene opens. Someone steps into the room
from the bathroom. She's a woman--apparently in her mid-50's--with
disheveled red hair, bloodshot eyes, and the smell of alcohol on her
breath. She's wearing a white A-shirt, black leather jacket, and black
leather pants. She's barely recognizable, but we seem to sense that she
looks familiar. The woman finishes the bottle of whiskey she's got in her
hand, then tosses the bottle across the room, where it smashes into pieces
when it hits the wall.)
Woman: Dammit! I gotta get more whiskey! I gotta have whiskey!
(Now there's a knock on the door. The woman goes to the door and opens
it. A man--also apparently in his 50's--with blonde hair, and wearing a
blue muscle shirt and jeans, enters. He smells the woman's breath.)
Man: (In apparent anger.) Josie, have you been hitting the booze again?
You promised the court you'd keep off if and go to AA meetings!
Josie: I didn't have that much, Alan! You're so fucking paranoid, you
Alan: Josie, ever since you decided to give the band this hard edge,
you've been doing a lot of outrageous stuff, like stage diving, taking off
your clothes, urinating on the audience, and flipping everyone the finger!
Josie: That's what the kids want these days!
Alan: Is it any wonder our kids wonder what's going on with us these
Josie: Fuck the kids already!
Alan: Hey, watch it!
(We now see Melody--also now in her mid-50's--enter; she's wearing a green
tank top and green Capri pants. She's accompanied by her teenage
daughter, Jordan, who's got brown hair and green eyes, and wearing an
orange T-shirt and a green miniskirt.  )
Melody: Will you two keep it down? People are complaining.
Josie: Melody, mind your own frigging business!
Jordan: Josie, you're really making a big ruckus!
(We now see Alexandra Cabot enter the room. She also appears to be in her
mid-50's, but still has that white streak down her black hair. She's
wearing a red blouse and jeans.)
Alexandra: Jesus Christ, Josie! You want us to get kicked out of here?
(Josie looks at Alexandra, then suspects that Alexandra's trying to make a
pass at Alan. She lunges at her with a savage yell.)
Josie: IF I TOLD YOU ONCE, ALEXANDRA, I TOLD YOU A
THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES! DON'T MAKE PASSES AT
(Josie and Alexandra get into a catfight, which spills out into the
hallway. Alan, Melody and Jordan just look at each other and shake their
Scene 4: Village Park, 9:30 AM Thursday.
(We see Jane on her morning run again. Cut to Li, hiding in the bushes
again, taking more notes.)
Li: I think I got the information I need. I think Ms. Griffin's been
running here as well. I'll approach her with my plan!
(Li ducks out of sight. Pan to the right as we see Patty observing Jane
Patty: So, if it isn't Jane Lane, Daria's friend. Hopefully she'll win
the race and embarrass Sandi! (Laughs sinisterly to herself now.)
(Jane runs out of the park. Sandi now enters the park. Li sees it and
gets out of the bushes. She goes to Sandi.)
Li: Ms. Griffin, I presume!
Sandi: (Coming to a screeching halt.) AAAAAAAA! (Pauses to catch her
breath.) Ms. Li, like, you scared the crap out of me!
Li: Sorry about that, Ms. Griffin. I've been meaning to talk to you for
Sandi: About what?
Li: How you can redeem yourself and bring honor to Lawndale High at the
Li: (Taking an envelope out of the pocket of the jacket of her pantsuit.)
Here's some money and a certain extra special item that will help you win
the Lawndale Bakery Women's 5K race this Sunday. I want you to show up
that slacker Jane Lane.
Sandi: No can do, Ms. Li. I'm on probation, remember? (38) Besides, I
don't have any gripes against Jane.
Li: But think of the honor you'll give to me--er--Lawndale High if you
quit the church's track team and join our team. You'll be able to get out
of tests and such. Besides, I could conveniently forget your disciplinary
troubles that got you into this mess in the first place.
Sandi: No way, Ms. Li. I learned my lesson. I don't want to get into
any more trouble that I've already gotten myself into. Now, if you don't
mind, I want to finish my training. (She leaves.)
Li: YOU'LL LIVE TO REGRET THIS, MS. GRIFFIN!!!!!!!!!! (Pauses.)
Wait a minute! I know one desperate person who'd kill at an opportunity
(She hurriedly leaves the scene.)
Scene 5: The Anderson residence, 704 Greenbriar Drive, Lawndale, 11:30 AM
(The house is a single-story ranch house in red stain with white trim. Li
goes to the front door and rings the bell. We now see a girl, about 17,
with long black hair and blue eyes, wearing a black tank top and red
Li: Are you Crystal Anderson?
Crystal: Yeah. What do you want?
Li: I'm Angela Li, Principal of Lawndale High. I understand you were our
star member on the spring track team. (39)
Crystal: Was. Since I flunked math, I have to go to summer school if I
want to qualify for fall track.
Li: Well, I could help you with that.
Li: I want you to enter the Lawndale Bakery Women's 5K Run as Lawndale
High's official entry. I want you to show up that no-good slacker Jane
Lane. In exchange, I'll conveniently remember that I had your final exam
results mixed up with Ms. Lane's and send her to reform school. (Hands
Crystal the envelope she was going to give to Sandi.) Inside this
envelope is $100 in small bills and a certain "goodie" to help you win the
race. Do we have a deal?
Crystal: (She can't pass up an opportunity to clear her academic record
now, can't she?) Yeah, sure, whatever.
Li: Good for you, Ms. Anderson! Believe me, you'll be setting yourself
up for a great future if you just do as you're told! See you at High
Hills Park on Sunday! (She leaves.)
Crystal: Yeah, sure.
Unidentified voice: (Off-camera.) Crystal, who was that?
Crystal: Oh, that was no one important, Mom! (She closes the door.)
Scene 6: High Hills Park, 9:00 AM Sunday. Background music: the opening
synthesizer riffs from "Theme from Chariots of Fire" by Vangelis.
(It's the day of the big race. The participants are doing various
stretching exercises, getting ready for the big race. Jane's in her red
bikini running outfit, and her hair's done up the same way it was when she
was on the track team in "See Jane Run"; meanwhile, Sandi's in her St.
Luke's outfit. The Morgendorffers and Molly Andrews have all shown up to
cheer on Jane, as well as Trent, Darren and Amanda Lane. Daria's wearing
her usual outfit of green field jacket, brown T-shirt, black pleated
knee-length skirt and those black Doc Martens boots. Jake's wearing a red
T-shirt and light brown pants, while Helen's wearing a blue T-shirt and
beige Capri pants. Quinn's trying out her new bikini--the pink one with
the smiley faces on each part of the bra top and one on the bottom
part --while she's also wearing the rollerblades, helmet, knee pads
and elbow pads from when she took up rollerblading in C. E. Forman's "All
Washed Up". We now see Lenny Lawndale, the mascot for Lawndale Bakery,
circulate among the crowd. He's a big pink rabbit wearing a green ball
cap and green shirt, both with a script-like "L" on it; he also has a sack
with him, apparently with some of Lawndale Bakery's goodies in it.)
Helen: So, Amanda, are you proud of your daughter participating in this
Amanda: I'm proud of my daughter no matter what.
Trent: I just wish she didn't make that dumb bet with Ms. Morris.
Jake: You're proud of your friend yourself, right, kiddo?
Daria: I'll be proud if she wins the race and shoves the trophy up Ms.
Jake: That's my girl!
Helen: (Shrieking.) JAKE, YOU IDIOT! CAN'T YOU SEE DARIA'S
BEING SARCASTIC AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!
Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry, Helen.
(Amanda, Darren and Trent chuckle over this incident.)
(Lenny Lawndale now approaches them.)
Lenny: HEEEEEEY, EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
Daria: Oh, my God. It's the dreaded Rabbit of Doom.
(Lenny goes up to Quinn.)
Lenny: Hey, little girl! You want some of Lenny's delicious cupcakes?
(She takes out a box of cupcakes and gives them to Quinn.)
(Lenny goes up to Daria now.)
Lenny: Hey, young lady! You want Lenny Lawndale to give you a delicious
goodie from Lawndale Bakery?
Daria: No, I want Lenny Lawndale to leave me alone before I go to court
and get a restraining order out against him.
Lenny: Say, you're not pretty friendly now, are you? Come on, Lenny
Lawndale's goodies are very tasty!
Daria: If you don't mind having a stomachache afterwards, that is.
Lenny: Come on, cheer up already!
(He pats Daria on the back. Suddenly, Daria lets fly with her Doc Martens
boots and kicks Lenny in the testicles.)
(He collapses onto the ground, clutching at his groin.)
Daria: Next time, have some more respect for people like me instead of
insulting my intelligence. (Smirks that Mona Lisa grin of hers and walks
away. Quinn skates over to Lenny.)
Quinn: Oh, don't worry about my sister; she's just normally that way.
Lenny: (Groaning.) Oh, now she tells me!
(We now see Andrew Landon, circulating among the crowd as well. He's got
a red button with the words "LANDON FOR BOARD OF EDUCATION"
in white lettering on it.)
Andrew: Hi! I'm Andrew Landon, and I'd appreciate your vote at the
upcoming Board of Education election! (Hands flyers, buttons, etc. out.)
Jake: Hey, there's Jodie's dad! (He goes up to him.) Hey, Andrew, my
man! What's up?
Andrew: Oh, hi, Jacob. I'm getting a lot of positive feedback about my
campaign. The latest poll says I've got a ten point lead over my
opponent, Chris Reinhardt.
Helen: Say, isn't that Judge Reinhardt's son?
Andrew: He is.
Jake: Man, I've heard of that Judge Reinhardt. Sent my kiddo to
community service for showing what a jerk he is! (41) What does he think
he is, some cruel plantation overseer whipping our youths up for speaking
Andrew: (Getting incensed.) And what do you mean by that remark, Jacob?
Andrew: "Plantation overseers whipping up people"?
Jake: It's just a statement.
Andrew: Jacob Morgendorffer, I hate bigots more than I hate welfare
cheats! (He leaves in a huff.)
Jake: Hey, what did I say, really?
(He runs off to speak to him more. Helen just rolls her eyes, while Daria
and Molly smirk to each other.)
Quinn: Mom, I'm going to go skate for a while.
Helen: OK, Quinn. Be careful.
Quinn: I will. (She skates off.)
Daria: Things couldn't get any more bizarre around here today, could
Molly: They usually do. (Smirks that Mona Lisa smile, while Daria just
closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead in defeat.)
(Fast cut to Li, who's busy taking notes on Andrew.)
Li: So, Mr. Landon is rather sensitive about bigotry. That could be
used to my advantage. (She walks off.)
Scene 7: A bushy grove along the race course, 9:15 AM Sunday.
(We see Patty here, with a long metal rod and a cloth soaked in
Patty: In just a few hours, Sandi will be here, then I will unleash my
(She laughs sinisterly to herself.)
Scene 8: Near the starting line, 10:30 AM Sunday. Background music: the
opening guitar lines of "Money" by Pink Floyd.
(We now see Li here, as she approaches Crystal, who's wearing the blue and
yellow Lawndale High track team outfit worn by Jane in "See Jane Run".)
Li: Hello, Ms. Anderson. I certainly hope you're ready to bring honor to
Lawndale High today.
Crystal: Yeah, whatever.
Li: Don't be flippant, young lady! If you blow this, not only will you
have to finish summer school, I may not reinstate you on the track team
for the fall meets. Is that understood?
Crystal: Yeah, whatever.
Li: Good. On that note, good luck.
(She departs. Crystal now looks around to make sure no one's looking,
then takes the envelope that had the steroids in it. She takes the
steroids. However, pan to the left, where we see Charles Ruttheimer III,
alias Upchuck, witnessing the whole affair.)
Upchuck: ROWR! I smell a scandal cooking here! And I think I know who
may be very interested in this as well!
(He leaves, his destination unknown to us at the moment.)
Scene 9: The starting line: 11:58 AM Sunday. Background music: the
piano section from "Theme from Chariots of Fire" by Vangelis.
(It's getting near time for the race to start. The participants are
beginning to line up. Daria's on the side, as Jane walks by her.)
Daria: Jane, I just wanted to wish you luck. Although I don't agree with
why you decided to enter this race, I hope you can make Ms. Morris eat her
words once and for all.
Jane: I just hope she's got a hearty appetite; she's got a full-course
meal's worth of words to swallow.
(She now high-fives Daria and leaves.)
(Fast cut to Sandi, who's now getting to the starting line herself. Evan
waves at her.)
Evan: Hey, good luck, Sandi! I hope you do well!
Sandi: I'll try, Evan!
(Cut now to the starting line. Jane and Sandi take their places. They're
soon joined by Crystal, who passes by the both of them without saying a
word, then gives an icy glare to the both of them.)
Sandi: Like, Jane, what crawled up her butt and died?
Jane: Don't ask me, I am not my ex-track teammate's keeper.
(The starter for the race, a man with brown hair and brown eyes, and
wearing a white hate, black-and-white striped official's shirt and black
pants, now steps up to the starting line; he's toting a starter's gun.)
Starter: Last call for all participants to get to the starting line.
(The straggling runners now line up. The starter looks at his watch.)
OK, is everyone here now? (Pause.) On your mark. . .get set. . .(He now
fires his gun.) GO!
(The runners now bolt past the starting line. Jane's taken the early lead
in the race. Fast cut to the Morgendorffers on the sidelines.)
Jake: GO, JANE, GO! (To Daria.) Hey, kiddo, aren't you going to cheer
your friend on?
Daria: (In the same deadpan monotone way she did in "See Jane Run".) Go,
go, go kick butt.
Jake: That's my kiddo!
Helen: (Shrieking.) JAKE, WHY ARE YOU SO OBLIVIOUS TO WHEN
DARIA'S BEING SARCASTIC?!?!?!?!?!
Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry, Helen.
(Daria smirks that Mona Lisa grin of hers again.)
Scene 10: About half a kilometer down the course, 12:02 PM Sunday.
(Jane's got the lead in the race. However, right behind her is Crystal,
who's about a few feet away and closing in.)
Crystal: Eat my dust, Lane! (She now sprints past her. Jane, needles to
say, is stunned.)
Jane: WHOA! How did she manage to overtake me like that? Something's
up, and I think it has something to do with funny little pills. (She now
redoubles her efforts to regain the lead.)
Scene 11: The bushy grove, 12:05 PM Sunday. Background music: the piano
and kettledrum segment from "Theme from Chariots of Fire" by Vangelis.
(Patty is now lying in wait for Sandi to arrive.)
Patty: In just a minute or two, she'll be here, then I'll strike!
(The runners now approach. Crystal flies by, with Jane about twenty feet
behind her. Several other runners now pass, then we see Sandi approach.
As she passes the bushes, Patty suddenly leaps out and whacks her on the
Sandi: OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! (She collapses in agony, the tears
of pain beginning to flow from her eyes. Patty now approaches menacingly.)
Who are you, and why did you do this to me?
Patty: I'm the person who should have been your mother, that's what!
(She now takes the chlorophyll-soaked cloth and covers Sandi's mouth with
it. In a few seconds, Sandi's rendered unconscious. Patty now drags her
away. However, we now see Quinn skate by, and she just sees Patty
dragging Sandi to her car, a beat-up red Ford Pinto.)
Quinn: Huh? What's going on? Who's that person with Sandi, and what is
she doing to her? (She skates off.)
(Unbeknownst to Quinn, however, Molly's here also, and she saw the whole
thing go down.)
Molly: I've got to tell Daria about this! Sandi's life could be in
(Molly now runs off to find Daria. We hear that frantic synthesizer
version of "La-la-la-LAAAAAA-la-la-la-la-LAAAAAAA-LAAAAAAAA!"
as we see a widescreen shot of Ms. Li bribing Crystal in slow-motion and
in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2
Moltar: On the next episode of "Space Ghost Coast to Coast", Space Ghost
interviews Goku from "Dragon Ball Z".
(Show Space Ghost at his desk, with Goku on the monitor.)
Space Ghost: So, Goku, have you ever fought someone like Zorak?
Goku: Well, there were some insect aliens I fought when I was a
teenager. . .
Zorak: Come on, Goku, let's admit it! You really want to get laid with
Space Ghost: Mind your own business, Zorak! (He zaps Zorak with his ray,
blowing him up.)
Moltar: Also, it's Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan.
(Show Greenspan on the monitor now.)
Space Ghost: So, Mr. Greenspan, will we expect any interest rate
increases in the future?
Greenspan: We might raise them by five percent.
(The picture on the monitor switches to Moltar.)
Moltar: Space Ghost, the Dow just plunged by three hundred points!
Space Ghost: WHOOPSIES! I hope none of you have any stocks right now!
Moltar: Finally, from WGY AM 910 in Schenectady, New York, it's Don
(Show Weeks on the monitor.)
Space Ghost: Great to have you on the show, Don.
Weeks: Thanks, Space Ghost. After all, you did do an interview on my
morning show. (43)
Space Ghost: So, have you ever met Dr. Laura and Rush Limbaugh?
Weeks: Well, only in passing.
Space Ghost: Those two are on your station, and you only met them in
passing? Come on, Don, I've met them myself!
Weeks: You're putting me on!
Zorak: He is. He met people impersonating them in Vegas!
Space Ghost: Shut up, Zorak! (He zaps Zorak again.)
Moltar: That's all happening on the next "Space Ghost Coast to Coast".
This Friday night at 11:00 PM Eastern, 10:00 PM Central, only on Cartoon
Announcer: On the next "Jerry Springer", the cast of "Sailor Moon"
finally reveal how they REALLY feel about each other!
(Show a shot of the "Jerry Springer" set. Seated from left to right are
Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Mask, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter,
Sailor Venus and Chibi-Usa.)
Tuxedo Mask: Sailor Moon, I have a confession to make! Chibi-Usa isn't
Sailor Moon: WHAT! (She begins her trademark crying jag.)
Tuxedo Mask: Her mother's really this person. . .
(We now see Queen Beryl enter the set.)
Sailor Mars: Queen Beryl? What the. . .
Queen Beryl: Now you know what really happened when he was brainwashed
to do my bidding!
Sailor Mars: (Shrieking at the top of her lungs.) WHY YOU (BLEEP)! (She
sucker punches Queen Beryl.)
Sailor Moon: YOU BETRAYED ME, YOU BASTARD! SAILOR MOON
KICK! (She kicks Tuxedo Mask in the testicles. A free-for-all now
Audience: JERRY! JERRY! (Some burly security guards now rush in to
break up the melee.)
Announcer: That's happening on the next "Jerry Springer"! Check your
local listings for day, time and channel!
ACT 3 AMIGOS
( I couldn't think of anything better to keep within the theme, but I'll
admit I'm wild and crazy about Steve Martin!)
Scene 1: Back at the run, 12:10 PM Sunday. Background music: the
synthesizer and kettledrum segment from "Theme from Chariots of Fire" by
(Crystal still has the lead in the race. Jane is some distance behind
Jane: (Thought voice-over.) Man, she's still in the lead! Now I know
something's up, and I think a certain tyrannical principal's got something
to do with it! Well, it's time to kick in the afterburners here, Lane!
(Jane now redoubles her efforts, and makes up the distance between herself
and Crystal. As Jane passes Crystal, she's stunned.)
Crystal: What the--?
Jane: EAT MY DUST THIS TIME, ANDERSON!!!!!!!!!!
(Crystal grits her teeth and sets out to regain the lead.)
Scene 2: The finish line, 12:11 PM Sunday. Background music: the
synthesizer break from "Ends" by Everlast.
(The spectators are all here now. Daria, Jake, Helen, Trent, Amanda and
Darren are all looking down the stretch to see if any of the runners are
Jake: Any sign of Jane yet, kiddo?
Daria: No, just the usual heat mirages that make people think that
there's puddles of water in the middle of the road.
Trent: Hmmm, "Road Mirage". Sounds like a good title for a song.
(Molly now approaches, and tugs at Daria's sleeve.)
Molly: Daria, I've got to tell you something.
Daria: Sure, Molly; what's up?
Molly: I saw that Sandi Griffin girl being whacked on the knee, then
abducted by some plain-looking woman with a mole on her face.
Daria: Are you putting me on, Molly? Sure, Sandi's treated me rotten in
the past, but even she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment.
Trent: "What She Deserved." That sounds like another cool song
Molly: Daria, I'm telling the truth here.
Daria: Molly, if this is your idea of a sick joke, it isn't funny.
(Molly now tugs on Jake's sleeve.)
Jake: Hey, Molly! What's up?
Molly: Mr. Morgendorffer, I've got to tell you something.
Jake: Well, we'll have plenty of time for that after the race, right,
Helen: Right, Jakey. Now you just watch the race, Molly.
(Molly walks away, dejected. Andrew is now circulating again, when
Upchuck approaches him.)
Upchuck: Ahhh, Mr. Landon, I presume.
Andrew: Oh, hi, Charles. What can I do for you?
Upchuck: Let's just say I can help in your campaign immensely due to some
information that's just come my way.
Andrew: What information would that be?
Upchuck: First, there's the matter of--shall we say--compensation?
Andrew: (Getting a bit miffed.) If you think I'm going to pay a bribe to
you, forget it. I run a clean campaign here.
Upchuck: No, I don't mean that. I meant a date with your lovely oldest
Andrew: Oh, no you don't! Michael MacKenzie would beat the stuffing out
of you for that!
Upchuck: (Realizing that he's grasping at straws here.) OK, what about
if you let me use your Jaguar for my next date?
Andrew: What, are you kidding? The only thing I love better than that is
my son Evan. (45)
Upchuck: Now, now, now, Mr. Landon, this is very valuable information. I
hate to have your opponent know about this before you did.
Andrew: (Realizing that his back's to the wall now.) OK, OK, I'll let
you use the Jaguar on your next date. . .whenever that is.
Upchuck: I knew you'd see things my way, Mr. Landon. (Motions to a
nearby bush.) Now, I'll tell you what I know.
(They go to the bush.)
Scene 3: The same, 12:15 PM Sunday.
(The runners are now nearing the finish line. Crystal has regained the
Crystal: (Thought voice-over.) This is going to be easy.
(Jane's a few feet behind her. She's let Crystal take the lead again, but
she's decided to save her best for last. She now bursts forward again,
and takes the lead again.)
Jane: Catch me if you can! (She now darts for the finish line.)
Crystal: You bitch!
(Crystal now tries to regain the lead, but Jane puts forth one more
sprint, and breaks the tape at the finish line. Fast cut to Li and
Morris, who have shocked looks on their faces. Jane now goes up to Daria,
and collapses into her arms.)
Daria: Easy there, Jane, easy.
Jane: (Panting.) I did it! I proved to that witch Morris I'm no
Li: (Approaching Crystal.) You have let me down, Ms. Anderson! You're
going to regret this failure!
(An official in a Brooks Brothers suit now approaches Crystal.)
Official: Ms. Anderson? We want you to submit to a drug test.
Li: She will not submit to a test!
Official: If she refuses to submit to the test, it'll be tantamount to a
positive result. Come with me, Ms. Anderson.
(Crystal follows the official. Li grits her teeth, while Daria and Jane
smirk sinisterly to each other.)
Daria: I think Ms. Li's about to be hoisted by her own petard.
Jane: Can I set it off?
Daria: Sure; then we'll watch the fireworks.
Scene 4: A motel room somewhere in Lawndale, 12:16 PM Sunday.
Background music: the opening synthesizer section from "Right Here,
Right Now" by Fatboy Slim.
(We see things originally from Sandi's point of view. It's all black, but
we now see Sandi's eye begin to flutter open. Sandi sees Patty there.)
Sandi: Wh-wh-where am I?
Patty: You're in my motel room, Sandi.
Sandi: Why are you doing this to me?
Patty: It goes back about twenty-five years ago, when your Dad and I were
in Middleton College. He was an accounting major and I was majoring in
economics. (Misty dissolve to Middleton College, circa 1974. A
young-looking Tom Griffin is here, walking side-by-side with Patty.) We
were such an interesting couple. But then, one day, she arrived!
(We now see a young-looking Linda Del Monaco enter. Tom takes a good look
Young Tom: Uh, excuse me, Patty!
(He now goes up to Linda.)
Young Linda: Hello, who are you?
Young Tom: I'm Tom Griffin. I'm majoring in accounting.
Young Linda: I'm Linda Del Monaco, and I'm majoring in journalism.
(Patty sees this, and begins to cry, knowing soon enough that she's going
to be dumped. Pan to the right to see a young Jake and a young Helen at
the flagpole, with Helen's panties.  )
Young Helen: Ready to run the panties up the flagpole, Jakey?
Young Jake: Sure, Helen. (They now proceed to run the panties up the
flagpole. However, the halyard entangles around Jake's leg, and he's
pulled up the flagpole himself.) WHOOOOOOAAAAAHHHH!
HELEN, HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!
(Helen closes her eyes and puts her hand to her head in aggravation.)
(Misty dissolve back to the present.)
Patty: Soon after that, he dumped me. And it was all because of THIS!
(She now angrily points to the mole on her face.) Not only that, I've
heard about how you attacked Daria and mistreated her.
Sandi: I've changed; I'm no longer that way!
Patty: You know what happened after your Dad dumped me? I went into an
emotional tailspin. I flunked out of college and wound up marrying a
truck driver who gave me two sons and a daughter--and beat the shit out of
me everyday of my married life to him! I divorced him, but he later
joined one of those fucking "fathers' rights" groups that persuaded him
not to pay a dime in child support to me! I'm on welfare now, and my
whole life is miserable! (She now goes to a closet.) I can sympathize
with Daria. I was a lot like her when I was in high school. (She steps
out of the closet with a baseball bat.) Now I'm going to do to you what
you did to Daria!
(Sandi screams in fear.)
Scene 5: Back at the finish line, 12:25 PM Sunday.
(Everyone is still here waiting for the results of the test to come in.
The official returns.)
Official: According to the test results, Ms. Anderson here took steroids.
Therefore, she's disqualified from her second place finish.
(A collective gasp issues from the crowd. Daria and Jane, however, smirk
evilly to each other.)
Daria: Well now I can say it. Congratulations, Jane.
Jane: You know, I think some people here are about to eat crow big time.
Li: (Going to the official.) This is an outrage! I would never condone
doping by any member of the track team!
Andrew: Oh, really, Ms. Li? (Pointing to Upchuck.) Charles here told me
he saw everything happen.
Morris: Ms. Li, how could you do this to me?
Li: I wanted to show up Ms. Lane once and for all.
Crystal: It's true. Ms. Li gave me the steroids.
(A gasp issues from the crowd again.)
Andrew: I think you have a lot of explaining to do, Ms. Li.
Jane: (Now going to Morris.) Ms. Morris, I think we had a bet.
Morris: (Grumbling as she digs out her wallet and hands over $100 to
Jane.) There, and I hope you choke on it!
Jane: Don't forget you also promised to give passing grades to Daria and
I in gym class this year--no matter what.
Daria: And something else as well; if I recall, it involved you and Ms.
Li wearing cheerleader uniforms and doing cheerleader exercises on the
front lawn of the high school.
Morris: All right, all right, all right! Ms. Li and I will be there at
Noon tomorrow! (She walks away.)
Jane: Ah, yes, the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.
Daria: Somehow I just can't shake the mental image of that guy falling
off the ski jump every time I hear that phrase. (Smirks that Mona Lisa
grin to Jane, who smirks evilly back at her.)
(The official now returns.)
Official: Has anyone seen Ms. Griffin? She never crossed the finish
Molly: I saw what happened, Mister. Some woman with a mole on her neck
Official: Hasn't anyone called the police?
Molly: I saw her drag Sandi into a red Ford Pinto.
Official: Someone call the police.
Helen: Let me. (Gets her cell phone and dials 911.) Hello? This is
Helen Morgendorffer. I want to report a kidnapping. (Pause. She now
gets angry.) What do you mean you're tied up with calls about cats stuck
in trees and people playing their radios too loud? A person's life is in
jeopardy here, dammit!
Scene 6: The motel room, 12:30 PM Sunday.
(Patty now menacingly approaches Sandi with the bat. Sandi now grabs a
pillow off the bed and flings it at Patty, temporarily stunning her, and
allowing her to escape out the room and out into the parking lot, she's
screaming with all her might. Fast cut to Quinn, who's been skating all
over town trying to find Sandi.)
Quinn: Oh, my God! It's Sandi!
(She now skates toward the direction of the motel. She sees Sandi there.
Quinn now skates real fast. Patty now emerges from the room, with the
bat. Quinn now ducks down and cannonballs herself into Patty, knocking
the bat from her hands.)
Patty: I don't know who you are, young lady, but you're going to pay for
that! (She now whips out an old-fashioned razor and begins to swish it
around. Quinn is paralyzed with fear, but regains her composure and
skates away.) You come back here, you little bitch! (Quinn tries to
skate away now, but she stumbles and falls to the ground. Patty now looms
menacingly over her.) You're going to pay for what you did to me, bitch!
(Patty now raises the razor up; apparently, she's going to slash Quinn's
face up with it. However, we suddenly see a familiar Doc Martins boot
crash into Patty's abdomen. It's Daria, who's just did a drop-kick into
Patty. Patty gets up.) So, you want some, too, eh?
Daria: I don't take kindly to people who threaten my sister. (She now
does a spinning kick into Patty's chest, then delivers a karate blow to
her neck, dropping her. Before she can get up again, police officers
close in on Patty and handcuff her.)
Officer # 1: All right, ma'am, you're under arrest! (They haul her up
and drag her away.)
Patty: (Yelling at the top of her lungs.) YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
THE LAST OF ME!!!!!!!!!! (She's now led away.)
(Quinn now gets up, and goes to Sandi, who breaks down and cries.)
Sandi: (Sobbing.) Quinn, after all the mean things I did to you and
Daria, why did you risk your life to save me?
Quinn: (Hugging Sandi.) Because despite all the mean things you've done
to Daria and I, I still consider you as a friend.
Sandi: Quinn, will you ever forgive me for what I did?
Quinn: Of course. (Sandi continues to cry.)
(Tom has shown up, just as Patty's being put into the police cruiser.)
Tom: Patty, why did you do this?
(Patty spits on him.)
Patty: That was for all the misery chicks out there, you bastard! (She's
put into the car, which then drives off.)
(Fast cut to Daria and Jane.)
Daria: I don't know if I should admire her or be deathly afraid of her.
Jane: I'm pretty sure she'll be featured on "Sick, Sad World" within
(Daria smirks that Mona Lisa smile again, with Jane smirking evilly in
Scene 7: The front lawn at Lawndale High, Noon Monday. Background
music: the opening bass lines from "Blood and Roses" by the Smithereens.
(A considerable crowd is gathered here. Daria and Jane are out in front.)
Jane: I've waited a long time for this, Daria. It just serves Ms. Morris
right for dissing my family like she did.
Daria: And here come the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader rejects themselves.
(Li and Morris now step out, wearing the same type of cheerleader uniforms
worn by Brittany.)
Li: This is humiliating!
Jane: Now you know how it feels for us when we have to participate in
your "mandatory-voluntary" activities!
Morris: Let's get this over with, Angela.
(Li and Morris now begin to shake their pom-poms.)
Li and Morris: Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Lawndale!
Lawndale! Lawndale! YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH,
LAWNDALE!!!!!!!!!! (They jump into the air and wave their
(Fast cut to Brittany Taylor and Kevin Thompson.)
Brittany: They wouldn't make it on the cheerleader squad, that's for
sure. They're so uncoordinated in their movements.
Kevin: Not like you are, babe! (He French kisses Brittany.)
(Fast cut to Daria and Jane, who noticed.)
Daria: Is this where we should cut to scenes of fireworks exploding?
Jane: Unfortunately, this is not "The Late, Late Show".
(Li goes up to Daria and Jane.)
Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane, I hope you savor your victory while it
lasts. You're not going to expect such victories like this in the future.
(She and Morris now walk away.)
Daria: Then again, if Mr. Landon gets elected, she'll probably get her
long overdue comeuppance.
Jane: That'll be the day. (Smirks evilly, with Daria reciprocating with
her Mona Lisa grin.)
Scene 8: The Morgendorffers' living room, 1:30 PM Monday.
(A special meeting of the Fashion Club's being held. Quinn, Candy and
Tiffany Blum-Deckler are at the sofa, while Brittany is at a chair, with
Sandi standing up.)
Sandi: I guess you all know why I'm here. I want to formally apologize
for everything I did to you guys. I don't know what came over me, but the
psychiatrist I've been seeing told me that I developed a paranoia complex
ever since Quinn moved in here and became Vice-President. I was afraid
that she was going to take over the Fashion Club, and made up that
nonsense about her sister Daria being her cousin to disguise the fact that
she was getting advice on how to ruin me from her. I've made a lot of
progress. They think they may take me off Ritalin soon, and Pastor
Collier at St. Luke's put in a good word for me with the authorities. I
guess having Patty Wells kidnap me and all that made me think about how
much pain I've caused to everyone here. (She begins to cry.) Guys, if
you take me back, I promise you that things are going to be different.
(She begins to wipe away her tears.)
Candy: That was so kind of you to apologize like that, Sandi.
Brittany: I make a motion that we reinstate Sandi as a member of the
Quinn: I second it.
Candy: OK. All in favor of reinstating Sandi Griffin as a member please
raise your hand. (They all do.) OK, it's unanimous. (Gets up, and
extends her hand to Sandi.) Welcome back, Sandi.
Sandi: Thank you. (She shakes Candy's hand. She now embraces Candy
Candy: It's OK, Sandi. Everything's going to be all right. You know, we
could make you our official Fashion Club reporter for the "Lawndale
Lowdown". Would that be OK with you?
Sandi: (Sniffing.) Sure.
Candy: Welcome back to the team, Sandi.
(Pan to the left to see Daria and Jane. Jane is wearing a gold medal
around her neck for winning the race.)
Daria: Now that's pretty unusual.
Jane: That's kinda like David Duke suddenly joining the NAACP.
Daria: Well, Miss "Winner of the Lawndale Bakery Women's 5K Run", what do
you think is going to happen next in this crazy town?
Jane: Who knows?
Scene 9: Room 214, Lawndale Ramada, 2:30 PM Monday.
(We see Blake Cartman here again, reading a newspaper. He notices an ad.)
Blake: According to this ad, some A&R people from Warner Bros. Records
are going to be here. Everything's going my way for once. Not only will
I get my revenge against Mystik Spiral for what they did to us, we'll land
a big, fat recording contract with a major label. Trent Lane, you're
going to pay for embarrassing me back in South Park.
(Blake now laughs sinisterly to himself as we go to the closing credits.
The chorus of "Runner" by Manfred Mann's Earth Band begins to play as we
cut to the alter egos. The alter egos are: Brittany as Buffy the Vampire
Slayer; Quinn as Yoshida Chizuru from "Strange Love" in her pose from
the video cover shot of her in a towel; Jane as Brandi Chastain in that
now famous shot of her ripping off her jersey and wearing her sports bra
after scoring the goal that won the Women's World Cup for the U. S.;
Tiffany as figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi; Kevin as Weird Al Yankovic
[complete with accordion]; Mr. O'Neill as Longarm from "C.O.P.S." [with
his cuff cannon shooting]; Mr. DeMartino as Rhett Butler from "Gone With
the Wind"; Trent as Dr. Kelly Brackett from "Emergency!"; Upchuck as
Dexter from "Dexter's Laboratory"; Sandi as Joan of Arc; Daria as Maude
Findlay from "Maude"; Ms. Li as Rosalyn Carter; Ms. Barch as Edith Bunker
from "All in the Family"; Stacy as Ethyl Mertz from "I Love Lucy";
as a cricket player; Candy as Melody from "Josie and the Pussycats"; Ms.
Morris as Dr. Janet Fraisier from "Stargate: SG1"; Jake as radio
personality Don Imus; Helen as the Greek goddess Athena; Molly as Felix
the Cat; Jesse as white rapper Everlast; and Ms. Defoe as Rose from
"Titanic" in the infamous nude painting scene [with her naughty parts
being covered by the easel] with Upchuck as Jack standing at the easel
with a leer on his face. The "Daria" logo can be seen as the closing
credits end. Fade to a shot of sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as
an ominous timpani drumroll can be heard in the background; the left hand
is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with
a black head and yellow handle. The sledgehammer hits into the die twice,
with a loud "CLANG!" each time. However, at the second time, the hammer
hits into the left thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The person
holding the hammer and die drops them, and then turns to the audience;
he's none other than the author of the story himself, a man with brown
curly hair, blue eyes and glasses. He screams "OUCH! I HIT
MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!", then walks away. We now
see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been
chiseled into the metal. Above the zero is white Roman lettering saying
"MARK", while white Roman lettering below it says "FAN FICTION," and
below that is white Roman lettering saying "UNLIMITED". Fade to black.)
(1) Check out the map of Lawndale in "The Daria Diaries" to see where
they're resting up.--Cartographic Peter.
(2) Daria took a summer internship with that paper in "This is Spinal
Crap".--J. Jonah Peter.
(3) That happened on the episode "See Jane Run".--Peter Jenner.
(4) Patty Wells is the woman Tom Griffin once dated and is mentioned in
"The Daria Database"; she was introduced in "This is Spinal Crap".
--Fair Warning Peter.
(5) Daria and Trent went there in the episode "Pierce Me".--Peter Rodman.
(6) That's my tip of the hat to Michelle Klein-Häss. In her story
"Clothes Make the Manson" (which is set in the "real" Daria Universe
opposed to her famous "Lawndale, CT Continuum"), Andrea's revealed to
be a vegetarian.--Peter Nugent (who's an unrepentant carnivore, he must
(7) Kevin had been paralyzed during a semi-pro football game in "This is
Spinal Crap"; he had surgery to correct it and Daria wrote an article
about it.--Peter Breslin.
(8) That's the line Dan Aykroyd said to Jane Curtain during the "Weekend
Update" segment of the original "Saturday Night Live".--Peter Latella.
(9) This is setting things up for the story that will follow "One Band
Town 2: Blake's Revenge", which will be called "Daria Pool Party"; in it
we'll see the Morgendorffers' back yard for the first time, as well as
Quinn in her smiley-face bikini, and Daria and Jane in "tankinis" picked
out by Jane herself.--Peter Spitz.
(10) A rather ironic statement, since Daria will be roped into playing for
the field hockey team in my upcoming story "Daria's Slapshot."
(11) In "See Jane Run", Daria and Jane were forced to do cheerleader
exercises after Jane dropped out of the track team.--Summarizing Peter.
(12) Who could ever forget that disastrous occasion in C. E. Forman's
"No Picnic"!--Ranger Peter.
(13) Rick Lazio (R-Babylon) represents New York's 2nd Congressional
District, which covers western Suffolk County and a part of Nassau County;
the district was formerly represented by Tom Downey (D-Amityville). Lazio
recently announced his own intentions to run for the Senate seat being
vacated by Democrat Pay Moynihan.--Peter ("I should know, since I used to
live on Long Island") Guerin.
(14) I am FINALLY revealing the incident that was supposed to be mentioned
in my aborted "Daria Generic Holiday Special" here, folks!--Peter Scrooge.
(15) That happened in the "New Kid" episode.--Recap Peter.
(16) That happened in the episode "The Daria Hunter".--Peter Stone.
(17) She did that in C. E. Forman's two-part story "Rain on Your Parade"/
"Quinntet".--Grand Marshal Peter.
(18) This is setting things up for another of my stories, "The Case of the
Girl Petter", where Daria and Jane must stop this madman.--Sherlock Peter.
(19) Motoko was formed in "This is Spinal Crap".--Fatboy Peter.
(20) This was revealed in "Karen Carpenter Blues".--Peter Jeremiah.
(21) This is my tip of the hat to Nicole Berry, prolific Daria fan fiction
illustrator John Berry's own kid sister, who's done her own series of
"realistic" drawings of the Daria cast; they can be seen at Martin J.
Pollard's Outpost Daria Web site (http://www.lawndale.net)--Peter Guerin
(who wished he had a kid sister himself instead of a pain-in-the-ass older
(22) Molly's Dad was introduced in "This is Spinal Crap".
--Total Recall Peter.
(23) Brad Schlitz was introduced in "Return of the Lawndale Militia".
(24) This is setting things up for the long-promised concluding story to
"The Lawndale Militia Trilogy"--to be called "Lawndale Militia III: The
Final Conflict"--now due out mid to late Fall 1999.--Armageddon Peter.
(25) This will be looked at in further detail in my upcoming story "The
Greatest Hurt of All".--Pummeling Peter.
(26) Daria and Jane did something similar in the episode "The Lawndale
(27) That's my tip of the hat to The Unknown, who in her story "Jane's
Crisis", Evan does indeed rape Jane.--Peter the Ripper.
(28) Pastor Collier arrived in "Karen Carpenter Blues".--Archbishop Peter.
(29) She did in "Booted!"--Recap Peter.
(30) I gave Jane's Dad the name Darren in "Triumph of the 'Retart'".
--The Rev. Peter Sharpton.
(31) That's another tip of the hat to Michelle Klein-Häss. In her
"Lawndale, CT Continuum", Jane has ambitions of setting up her own
animation studio and majors in animation in college.--Peter Quimby.
(32) That cult was featured in "Outbitched" and "Booted!"--Peter
(33) That's a swipe at Freihoffer's Bakery, the baked goods company that
serves the Capital District of New York State. Their mascot is Freddy
Freihoffer, an animated rabbit who used to have his own show and still
does commercials for the bakery that appear on children's shows on area TV
stations here. Freihoffer's sponsors the real-life 5K Run for Women in
Albany, New York that the Lawndale Bakery 5K Women's Run was modeled after
--Peter Guerin (who prefers that great Long Island bakery, Entennman's,
(34) Cree Summer voiced Penny on "Inspector Gadget" and Elmyra on "Tiny
Toon Adventures" (and played Freddie on "A Different World").
(35) "G vs. E" is that new series on USA about good zombies fighting evil
(36) The Lawndale Bus Terminal was introduced in "Karen Carpenter Blues".
--Peter the Friendly Bus Driver.
(37) That's my tip of the hat to Jordan Ladd, who's the real-life
daughter of Cheryl Ladd, who voiced Melody on "Josie and the Pussycats"
(she was credited as Cherie Moore; her real name is Cheryl Stoppelmoor).
The two of them appeared in the USA Original Picture "Every Woman's Worst
(38) Sandi was put on probation at the end of "Outbitched".
--Sgt. Peter Friday, HFPD.
(39) I don't know if this applies to your state, but here in New York
State, high school track and field teams have two seasons; one in fall,
and another in spring. I think in some states they may have indoor track
and field during winter as well. If your state differs, E-mail me at
firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know!--Coach Peter Cleats.
(40) Quinn mentioned that she wanted to get that bikini in "This is Spinal
Crap".--Peter Cole of California.
(41) That happened in C. E. Forman's To Helen Back.--Recap Peter.
(42) I know that in the North American version, she's called Bulma, but in
the original Japanese version, it's Buruma; the names comes from a
Japanese term for "bloomers", which are shorts worn by Japanese school
girls in gym class.--Peter no Hentai.
(43) It's true. Weeks did interview Space Ghost. WGY's ads proudly
announce that.--Peter ("I can't make this stuff up!") Guerin.
(44) That's kind of a tip of the hat to The Unknown's story "What She
Deserved?", where Sandi is raped by a sleazebag.--Peter the Ripper.
(45) Daria mentioned that in the captions to the Landon family portrait
in "The Daria Database".--Photogenic Peter.
(46) Middleton College's "run-the-panties-up-the-flagpole" tradition was
mentioned in the episode "College Bored".--Dean Peter.
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