"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is *not*
an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write.
Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for
This is a *revised* version of "Rose-Colored Lenses" [June 1999]. I've
weeded out most of the annoying camera angles, allowing for easier
reading... which means a pain-free introduction to my chronology. :-)
This is my first fanfic, so I hope I don't sound as though I've been
stealing from other fanfics that I've read. If so, I'm sorry... I'll
develop a more unique style in time.
Oh, and those who are visually-challenged who read this may want to leave
their judgment at the door...... Enjoy!!!
[intro theme music..........................]
ROSE-COLORED LENSES -- by Kara Wild
SCENE 1 (lockers after school.)
(Shot of Quinn and the Fashion Club standing there, chattering on about
their favorite subject.)
SANDI: I hope Cashman's has those capri pants I saw in Waif. I would look
*so* cute in those.
TIFFANY: You *would*.
SANDI: And Quinn, maybe we could try on -- oops! (pats her face, fakes a
memory lapse. Beat) That's *right* - you can't go 'cause you have that
TIFFANY: Oh yeah, that *eye* thing.
QUINN: (a bit annoyed) *Yeah*, you keep reminding me.
SANDI: (faux remorse) It's just such a *bummer* you can't be with us,
QUINN: (downcast) I *know*! I *tried* to get out of it, I mean he's my
*geeky* cousin's optimist guy, so why should *I* go to him?!!
QUINN: (continuing) But he lays this big *guilt* trip on my mom, saying how
my chart shows I haven't had an eye exam in, like, six years, so my mom
*freaks* out and now I'm stuck getting my eyes experimented on when I
should be where I belong -- hunting down the latest fashions with the
*rest* of you guys!
TIFFANY: Those eye machines are *so* creepy.
SANDI: (smirking) *And* they make you look like a big *geek*.
(Quinn, shudders a little.)
QUINN: All they'll find out is that my eyes are fine. Unlike *some*
people, I've got perfect vision.
SANDI: (faux modesty) I *know* what you mean. When those eye people did
their experiments on *me*, they found out I had 20/15 vision.
QUINN: (wary. a little jealous) *Really*?
TIFFANY: Whoa, that's *amazing*, Sandi. They found out the same thing
about *me* when I went last year.
STACY: I've got 20/10 vision!
F.C: (genuine surprise) *Whoa*!!!
SANDI: (coolly impressed) So I suppose that means you can see through
walls, or *something*.
STACY: No, but I can read those little labels on clothes, the kind that
tell you whether the all-cotton you bought is *really* all cotton, or just
QUINN: (to Stacy. encouraging) An untapped talent. This could mean big
things for you, Stacy.
STACY: (thrilled at the validation) Thanks, Quinn!!! (looks for another
way to impress her, sees a girl down the hall, offscreen, and points in her
direction) Hey Quinn, do you think the polka dots on that girl's sleeve
are this season or last season?
(Quinn looks, squints. Cut to shot from her P.O.V. -- the girl looks like a
fuzzy blob. resume wide shot. Sandi notices Quinn's difficulty and smirks.)
QUINN: (scoffing. a little embarrassed) Who cares, the whole *outfit* is
SANDI: (still smirking) Oh *really*?
(Quinn laughs nervously and glances behind her. She then notices Daria,
who has sneaked up behind her during this conversation. )
QUINN: *Agh*!!! (She backs away. Daria smirks.)
F.C: *Ewwwwww*!!! (They back away a couple of steps)
QUINN: (fuming) I *told* you, Daria -- you have to keep five feet away from
me at all times, at *least*. *Ten* if I'm with a guy!
DARIA: (devilish, feigning innocence) Oops, must've slipped my mind,
siiiiiiiiii (sees Quinn's alarmed expression)... coz.
SANDI: (a bit unruffled) Well, Quinn, now that that *girl's* here, maybe
you should go to your eye *thing* and leave the rest of us to try and
survive in your *absence*.
DARIA: (to herself) Shopping -- a life of despair, death, and
superficiality cast over an abyss of sorrow.
F.C: (not hearing her) Bye, Quinn! (They walk away.)
STACY: We'll miss you!
(Daria rolls her eyes. Quinn calls out to the F.C., now offscreen.)
QUINN: Bye guys! I'll be fine, I mean my vision's probably *improved* with
age -- lots of things do!
DARIA: (deadpan) Like hair color or skin.
(Quinn turns to her, irritated.)
QUINN: Ha-ha, Daria, very funny. (Beat) And would you get *away* from me?!!
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (a residential sidewalk)
(Shot from the side of Quinn and Daria walking, Quinn several paces ahead.
Music plays [I don't know *what* because I don't follow the latest
trends!] Cut to frontal shot with Quinn in the foreground, Daria in the
QUINN: (still fuming) I *still* don't see why you have to go with me! I
mean everyone already *knows* you have vision problems!
DARIA: (calling out) What?! I can't hear you!
(Quinn sighs, exasperated. Turns around, walks toward Daria.)
QUINN: I s'pose we're far enough out of range that no one from school will
*see* me with you.
(Cut to frontal shot of Daria and Quinn walking.)
DARIA: (deadpan. slightly annoyed) That's a good thing for *both* of us.
QUINN: So do you plan to just drop me off and *leave*?
DARIA: Noooo, believe it or not, I've got business with Dr. Gordon myself.
I'm changing my contact lenses.
(Quinn utters a short laugh.)
QUINN: (sarcastic) To one's you'll actually *wear*?
(Daria frowns at her.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (optometrist's office)
(Shot of the outside of the medical building -- the same one from "Through
a Lens Darkly." Cut to shot of the inside of a waiting room, Daria and
Quinn standing with Dr. Gordon. At their left is a receptionist's desk.
Along the back wall: a corridor which leads to the exam room and
row-upon-row of glasses frames. At their right is a magazine-covered table
and several chairs.)
DR. GORDON: (to Daria) So, your contacts have worn out with use, have they?
QUINN: (muttering) *Unuse* is more like it.
DARIA: (turning to Quinn. phony sweetness) Touché, sis. You're really
nailing the one-liners today.
(Dr. Gordon sighs.)
DR. GORDON: You know, Daria, if you just --
DR. GORDON: But if you just thought --
DARIA: I have.
DR. GORDON: You know, you could really... (gives up. exasperated). Well,
have it your way. I've got a softer pair in my office. Maybe *that* (cut
to frontal shot of Daria as he says this) will make you change your mind.
(Daria smirks knowingly.)
QUINN: (to Dr. Gordon. hopeful) Yeah, and then after that she can just head
on home, *right*?
DR. GORDON: Actually, Quinn, I'd rather she stick around and help you walk
home. We've gotta dilate your eyes -- you haven't had *that* done for a
while, have you?! (He says this last bit in a jolly tone, gives Quinn a
phony jab in the ribs.)
(Quinn gasps, horrified. Daria sighs -- she doesn't want to stay, but sees
she has no choice.)
DARIA: Fine. Why see vampire dentists on "Sick Sad World" when I can watch
my sister stumble around with zombie eyes, instead?
DR. GORDON: Come on, Quinn....
(Quinn follows him, terrified expression.)
(fade-out. fade-in to waiting room a short time later. Daria is pacing
around, obviously bored. Cut to close-up of male receptionist at his desk.)
RECEPTIONIST: (helpful tone) There are some really nice magazines on the
table if you want to read them.
(cut to close-up Daria, looking at receptionist. She shrugs, unenthused,
then trudges over to the magazine table. Stands over it, reads aloud
titles on the magazine covers.)
DARIA: (reading) Waif... Capri Pants, the new *slenderizer*. (Beat) T.V.
Land Special Fall Preview... 1986. (to herself) A hallmark year in
entertainment. (Beat. resumes reading) Va--
(Sees that it's an issue of VAL. Close up shot of the words "bummer
culture." resume shot of Daria by the table. Glances around, then stacks
other magazines on top of VAL.)
DARIA: (resumes reading. slightly sarcastic) *Glasses* World. (Pause. eyes
widen. surprised tone) *Erotic* Eyewear?!
(cut to close-up receptionist)
RECEPTIONIST: That's one of our favorites.
(cut to close-up Daria. She turns around, unnerved that the receptionist
was listening. Hesitates, then reaches toward the magazine. Is about to
turn a page, when offscreen, she hears sound of Quinn screaming. Pause,
DR. GORDON: (offscreen) Daria!
(Daria snatches her hand back)
DARIA: Last time I checked.
(Dr. Gordon walks quickly toward her.)
DR. GORDON: (nervous) I need your help. Um... I couldn't talk your sister
into looking through the refraction machine.
DARIA: So you tried shock inducers instead?
DR. GORDON: Could you *please* just come with me and convince her to stay
in the chair?!
DARIA: I guess. (follows Dr. Gordon out of the waiting room) That's why
they pay me the five-fifty an hour...
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Dr. Gordon's exam room)
(Shot of a chair and refraction machine in the foreground, a door in the
background. Quinn is cowering behind the chair . We then see the door
open, and Dr. Gordon and Daria walking through. Daria stops, looks at
Quinn, and frowns.)
DARIA: Quinn, what are you *doing*?
QUINN: (freaked) I *can't* look through that thing, Daria. It's all
*creepy* and it's got big *bug* eyes and it makes *me* look like a bug and
if Sandi, Stacy, or Tiffany ever saw me here I'd just *die*!
DARIA: (to Dr. Gordon) Vanity crisis. I'll handle this. (Daria walks
over and stands by the chair.) Quinn, your friends won't see you here.
They're braving the foxholes at Cashman's, remember?
(Quinn nods, somewhat encouraged.)
DARIA: So why don't you just sit in the chair and get the eye exam over
with? Then we can forget this day ever happened.
(She creeps out from behind the chair and slides in. Dr. Gordon rewards
her with a goofy thumbs-up.)
DR. GORDON: Now *there's* a girl!
(Meanwhile, Quinn's looking more relaxed. She swings her legs.)
QUINN: This isn't so bad. (stops swinging legs, gets an alarmed expression.
turns to Daria, worried) You won't *tell* anyone what I looked like in
this thing, will you??!!
DARIA: (droll) Not a chance. (flashes her thumbs in an imitation of Dr.
(Quinn smiles at her timidly. Then Daria lays down her arms and smirks.)
DARIA: And if Spiderman crawls by looking for a date, I'll tell him to
take a number.
(Quinn gets horrified expression, which quickly changes to a glare. Dr.
Gordon groans and rolls his eyes.)
(fade-out. fade-in reveals short passage of time. Shot of Quinn sitting in
the foreground, looking through the refraction machine, Daria sitting
unobtrusively in the background. She's in the room to lend support in case
Quinn freaks out again, and also because she thinks that this could be even
more entertaining than "Erotic Eyewear.")
DR. GORDON: (offscreen) Okay, Quinn, why don't you read me the letters in
the second-to-last row?
(cut to shot of the eye chart)
QUINN: (offscreen) Um... okay. Q... P... Z... um, I... um... three...
(cut to close-up of Daria, watching Quinn)
DR. GORDON: (offscreen) Quinn, there are no *numbers* on this chart.
QUINN: (offscreen. insistent) Well it *looks* like a three!
(Daria turns to look at the eye chart. Her eyes widen, indicating that
Quinn is completely wrong.)
(fade-out. fade-in shows another short passage of time. Close-up shot of
Daria gazing in Quinn's direction, frowning and shaking her head.)
DR. GORDON: (offscreen. sounds exasperated and tired) Okay, Quinn, now
I'm going to cover your right eye, and then you read me the letters in the
(cut to close-up of Quinn looking through the refraction machine. From
offscreen left, a hand reaches up and flicks a switch near one of the
lenses. Pause. Quinn is silent.)
DR. GORDON: (offscreen) Okay, Quinn.
(Quinn is still silent. cut to close-up of Daria, watching her expectantly.
resume close-up of Quinn.)
DR. GORDON: (offscreen) Quinn, you can read the letters out now.
QUINN: (exasperated) Well I *will* once you put the eye chart back up!
(fade-out, fade-in. Close-up of Daria. She has a hand clapped to her
forehead, wears a "this is unbelievable" expression.)
DR. GORDON: (offscreen) O-kaaay, Quinn, now just follow this pen with your
eyes. Follow... follow... follow... f -- damn!
(final fade-out, fade-in. Daria and Quinn sit at a large desk, their backs
to us, across from Dr. Gordon. Dr. Gordon wears a serious expression.)
DR. GORDON: (hesitant) Well, Quinn, these are some very interesting results.
(Before he can go any further, Quinn breaks in. Her eyes are enlarged --
think "glitter berries" look in "The Teachings of Don Jake" -- from
QUINN: (on a different track) So these eye drop thingys will wear off in a
few hours, *right*? 'Cause I have outfits I need to try on for tonight and
it's important that I see the shade and texture of the clothes or else I --
(Meanwhile, Daria gazes sideways at her, looking sheepish because she knows
what's coming next. Dr. Gordon interrupts.)
DR. GORDON: Quinn, I'm afraid I have some bad news. (Beat) Your tests
indicate that your vision has suffered a decline since your last exam.
(Quinn suddenly looks nervous. She utters a little nervous laugh.)
QUINN: Oh really? How *much* of a decline?
DR. GORDON: Well, when you were ten, you had 20/20 vision. (Beat) Now you
have 20/100 vision.
QUINN: (freaked) So what does that *mean*??!!
DR. GORDON: It means you can only see at twenty feet what *everyone* else
QUINN: (waving her arms in the air. shouting) I *know* what it means!!!
I just didn't want to *hear* it!!!
DARIA: (to Dr. Gordon) I think you've rubbed enough salt in her wounds.
(Dr. Gordon sighs.)
DR. GORDON: The bottom line to this, Quinn, is (Beat. cut to dramatic
close-up of his mouth) you're going to need glasses.
(cut to close-up of Quinn. She looks horrified.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, evening)
(Shot of the outside. We hear Daria's voice-over. While she speaks, cut to
shot of the family eating the *usual* for dinner. Helen's listening to
Daria, looking stunned and chastened. Meanwhile Quinn, her eyes still a
bit dilated, is slumped over and looks depressed. The whole time Daria's
been saying: )
DARIA: ... So then he said, even if it does have over a thousand mall
locations, Glasses in a Half-Hour isn't *exactly* the most reliable place
to get your kid an eye exam.
HELEN: (recalling. futile despair) But dammit, I only *had* a half-hour!
The Morrisons' lawyers were breathing down my neck and if I didn't cut a
deal with them *soon* they said they'd --
DARIA: (patient) *Mom*, the point is that they probably messed up when they
checked Quinn's vision six years ago. It's probably been going downhill for
a long time.
HELEN: (still upset) Well I just don't believe -- Jake, *pay* attention!
(Jake's been making a smiley face with his bacon and lasagna. He looks up,
JAKE: Huh? I was!
HELEN: (to Daria) I mean, can't she at *least* get contact lenses???
DARIA: (deadpan, but clearly finds humor in the situation) He said, not
with the astigmatism she's got.
(Quinn suddenly explodes.)
QUINN: I don't see *why*, then, he won't let me get the freakin' laser
DARIA: (frank) Quinn, no laser invented could cure all the stuff that's
wrong with your eyes.
(Helen glares at Daria.)
HELEN: Daria, *try* to be a little more sensitive.
(Quinn's also glaring at her.)
QUINN: Oh no, Mom, let her talk. You know she's enjoying this. She gets
to see me become a *freak* like her!
(Daria smirks innocently. )
HELEN: Listen, Quinn, I -- (interrupted by the phone ringing nearby) I'll
get back to you in a second. (picks up phone)
DARIA: (under her breath) Saved by good ol' Eric.
HELEN: (crooning voice) Helllloooo? *Hi* Eric! No of *course* I don't
mind you calling at this hour -- (voice fades into the background)
QUINN: (bitter) I don't care what that stupid doctor said. There's no
*way* I'm gonna wear a pair of geeky-looking glasses!
DARIA: I'm sure there are enough pairs of *cute* looking glasses around
that you wouldn't have to make that choice. May I suggest wire rims?
QUINN: Just shut up, Daria!
DARIA: (getting serious) Look, Quinn, how do you plan on getting by
without glasses, now that Dr. Gordon says you need them?
(Quinn suddenly backs out her chair and stands up.)
QUINN: The same way I always have! (cringes at the brightness of the room
-- her eyes are still dilated.) And dammit, can't someone dim the lights
in this *freakin'* house?! I can't stand it anymore!! (runs offscreen)
(Jake and Daria watch her go.)
JAKE: (calling) Quinn, honey, why don't you tell ol' dad your problem?
(Daria gives him a "too little, too late" glare. Meanwhile Helen, in the
midst of a pause, has managed to observe this turn of events. She decides
to do the unthinkable -- interrupt her call.)
HELEN: (apologetic tone) Eric, can I call you back?
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (upstairs of Morgendorffer house, later that evening)
(music plays. Shot of hallway outside of Quinn's room. Her door is
slightly open -- we hear her talking on the phone to Sandi. From offscreen
left, Helen walks over to Quinn's door and stands beside it. She looks
uncertain about what to do next.)
QUINN: (from inside room) She *did*?... I can't believe that, I mean she
*knows* that's about three years out of style -- why would she *do*
something like that?!
(cut to inside shot of Quinn's room. Quinn is lying on her bed, balancing
the cordless phone on one ear while flipping through an issue of Waif.)
QUINN: Uh-huh... yeah, well I was, but I can't go out with my eyes all
blurry can I, I mean how would I co-ordinate my wardrobe? Uh-huh...
Sandi, I *told* you they're normal. The exam was, like, a *total* bore, but
at least I avoided that creepy eye machine you all were talking about.
Uh-huh... uh-huh... mmm-hmm... 'kay, well have fun without me, Sandi. Bye.
(cut to shot of Quinn's door. Helen peers through.)
HELEN: Quinn, can I come in?
(resume shot of Quinn in her room. She looks startled. Thinks her mom
wants the phone.)
QUINN: (exasperated) O-kay Mom, I get that you *really* need to use the
phone -- here. (holds it up)
(Pause. Helen walks over to her, makes a motion that tells her to lay the
HELEN: (serious) Actually, Quinn, I wanted to have a one-on-one with you
(Quinn looks down at her magazine, frowning slightly)
QUINN: (subdued) I stand by my decision.
HELEN: Quinn, you *can't* go without glasses, not when -- (realizes this
won't get through to her, decides to use a different approach. Helen sits
down on Quinn's bed. Her voice takes on intimate tone.) You know, Quinn,
sometimes I think you and Daria shortchange yourselves.
(Quinn's eyeing the magazine, looking bored.)
QUINN: What d'you mean?
HELEN: I mean... well, what I mean is, you two cling *so* tenaciously to
your social identities, and --
QUINN: (interrupts, flatly) In *English*, Mom.
HELEN: Quinn, you used to be a good student.
(Pause. Quinn frowns.)
QUINN: Not as good as Daria.
HELEN: Well n-- (realizes this admission could get her in trouble) *But*,
you still did very well until you reached your teens. That's when your
grades started to slip.
(Meanwhile, Quinn's still frowning, but her eyes drift toward Helen,
showing she's listening.)
HELEN: (continuing) I just *assumed* it was because of social worries --
peer pressure, trying to look good in front of the boys... (eyes narrow,
goes off on a rant), so that they can do better and get ahead while the
*girls* get left behind in their entry level positions because they lack
experience! How do they *think* we got a glass ceiling --
QUINN: (interrupts. exasperated) Mo-om, where are you *going* with this?!!
HELEN: (gets back on track. apologetic) Quinn, my point is that I feel
partially to blame for the problems you've had with school. I assumed it
was a *popularity* issue and never once thought that maybe your problems
QUINN: (solemn) Oh.
(Helen reaches over and puts a hand on Quinn's shoulder.)
HELEN: I don't want to see you underestimate yourself in the same way. If
glasses can *expand* your choices in life, then I think you should give
them a try.
(cut to close-up of Quinn. Pause. Then Quinn sighs an "I'll think about
END OF ACT ONE
[Split screen of Quinn cowering behind the optometrist's chair and Daria
snatching her hand away from the "Erotic Eyewear" issue.]
***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt
securely fastened. You are about to see three of the lamest commercials
put on television.***
1) Bratty little kid spills his drink all over the new white carpet. Mom
comes in -- instead of making kid clean up the mess himself, says in a
sunny voice, "That's okay!" and proceeds to do it for him. Lesson learned:
Mom is my slave.
2) Jennifer Love-Hewitt bounces around in a cutsy-poo towel, selling a
brand of shampoo that no one remembers because everyone's too busy
wondering if the cutsy-poo towel will slip....
3) One of those MasterCard/Visa commercials, where a heart-warming moment
costs megabucks. Ballgame with your son: $$$$ Trip to Ireland: $$$$$$$$
The love you get: priceless. Of course, you could have gotten that love if
you'd just gone on a picnic in the park, but never mind....
***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?***
SCENE 1 (Jane's house, afternoon)
(Outside shot of house. cut to inside shot of Jane's room. Jane's
standing at her easel, painting in the tradition of Picasso instead of
Goya. Daria lies on Jane's bed, reading The Bell Jar. cut to close-up of
Jane's painting. We see it's a face with multiple eyes, each with some
major distortion. resume wide shot of Jane and Daria.)
JANE: So explain to me again what made her cave in?
(Daria's holding the book up over her head and flipping through.)
DARIA: I'm not sure I know. My mom said it's because she wanted to be more
JANE: I see, brain damage. (Beat) What happened -- did she almost
suffocate on her Mr. Smiley pillow again?
DARIA: No. Though that *would* explain a lot. (Beat. lays book on her
stomach) The weirdest part is that my mom told her being like me is a
JANE: Hey, haven't I always said you're the favorite one in your family?
(Beat, mischievous) Too bad they don't know you like *I* do.
DARIA: (deadpan) Ha.
JANE: Admit it, your twisted mind's taking heightened pleasure in Quinn's
DARIA: Why admit the obvious? (Beat) Anyway, it'll be interesting to share
my designer egghead apparel with my sister. (Beat. smirks) If we work
together, we could confuse the hell out of our parents.
JANE: Or maybe *you* can be the pretty and popular one of the family, now.
DARIA: (scoffing) Yeah, right.
JANE: Hey, at least *you* can wear contact lenses. *She* can't.
DARIA: (uncomfortable) Oh... right. (searches for a different topic.
looks at the painting) Hey, um, you really captured the keratoconus of
(Jane gets a wicked expression on her face.)
JANE: Wish I could be there when the *real* Quinn comes back with her glasses.
DARIA: Well, it's pretty much a family affair. But trust me, it couldn't be
much worse than the stuff of your imagination. (nods at painting)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (optometrist's office, that same afternoon)
(close-up shot of Helen sitting in one of the waiting room chairs, absorbed
in the "Erotic Eyewear" issue of Glasses World. Wears a bemused, aroused
HELEN: Hmmmmmm... (flips a page)
(Meanwhile, offscreen, Quinn's picking out frames for her glasses.)
QUINN: (offscreen) Cute... cute... cute... possibly cute... cute...
cute... maybe -- oh, why not... cute... cute... cute. (Pause) Mo-om!
(Helen gasps, looks up from the magazine.)
HELEN: Huh, what?! (sees Quinn. eyes narrow) *Quinn*!
(cut to shot of Quinn. She's holding about twenty different frames and
smiling her blissful, oblivious smile.)
QUINN: (chipper) Okay, I think I've found the frames I need to co-ordinate
with *most* of my outfits, some of these are just *possibilities* but I'm
keeping them anyway --
(cut to close-up of the receptionist.)
RECEPTIONIST: (enthusiastic) Great! I'll put it on your bill!
(cut to shot of Quinn.)
QUINN: (continuing) Although I may have to come back another time and --
(cut to close-up Helen, bristling.)
HELEN: (interrupting. no-nonsense) *Quinn*, you are *not* keeping all
those pairs of glasses. You're getting *one* pair and *one* pair only, so
you'd *better* choose wisely!
(cut to shot of Quinn, now crestfallen.)
QUINN: *One* pair??!!
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, early evening same day)
(Short musical interlude. outside shot of the house. We see Daria walking
up the path to the front door. cut to shot of the front door as seen from
the inside. Daria opens it. Stands there. Pause.)
DARIA: (deadpan) You're both home. I guess that means the fun's about to start.
(cut to shot from Daria's P.O.V: Helen and Jake seated on the center of
their three couches.)
HELEN: (briskly) Daria, come sit down.
(Pause. From offscreen right, Daria walks over to the righthand couch.)
DARIA: So where's our main attraction? (sits down, nearest Helen)
HELEN: She's upstairs, trying on some new outfits that go with her glasses.
(Daria cocks an eyebrow... or eyelid.)
(Helen sighs heavily, telling Daria that she was somehow coerced into
letting Quinn buy new clothes. Jake, meanwhile, looks hyper-charged.)
JAKE: (enthused. clueless) Well I think it's *great*! Imagine, Quinn's
*so* happy about getting glasses, she felt like buying a new *wardrobe* to
DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah, my thoughts exactly. (Beat) Say Dad, random
question: have you ever thought about getting your *hearing* checked?
JAKE: What *for*, kiddo? I hear just fine!
(Daria rolls her eyes. Beat. Helen looks sideways offscreen. Her face
HELEN: Here she comes! (Pause) Oh Quinn, you look lovely. (Pause. leans
toward Daria. hissing whisper) Now, I'm counting on you to be
(cut to close-up shot Daria. She nods apathetically, then glances upward.
resume wide shot of the couches. Quinn is standing with her back to us in
the foreground, arms outspread. Her hair is done up in the same style as
in "Daria Dance Party." She's dressed in a pink blouse and
capri pants, and carrying a black purse over one shoulder. We can't see
QUINN: Okay, what d'you think?
(cut to close-up Daria, looking at her. She frowns mildly.)
DARIA: So where *are* they?
(cut to full frontal shot of Quinn, glasses-free.)
QUINN: (sentimental) I just wanted you all to have one last look at the
*old* me, the *real* me, before it's all (gasp) gone.
(resume wide shot of the couches. Helen looks slightly exasperated.)
HELEN: Quinn, no one *here's* going to treat you *any* differently once
you put your glasses on.
JAKE: No way, hon! (pointedly) *Right*, Daria?
DARIA: (blasé) Uh-huh.
(Quinn suddenly gets a nervous look on her face.)
QUINN: Um... okay, then.
(Quinn glances in Daria's direction, then draws a small black case out of
her purse. She opens the case and lowers her face. cut to close-up shot of
Jake, Helen, and Daria watching expectantly. A silhouette of Quinn's hand
and the glasses passes over the shot. Pause. Then we see Jake, Helen's,
and Daria's reactions. Jake and Helen break out into smiles and murmurs,
while Daria just stares.)
(cut to close-up Quinn's face. She's wearing glasses that are smaller and
thinner-rimmed than Daria's -- think Amy's in "Through a Lens Darkly." The
frames are dark brown instead of black. resume wide shot.)
JAKE: (enthused) You look *wonderful*, sweetheart!!!
HELEN: Oh, Quinn, they're just *perfect*!
(Meanwhile Daria continues to stare. Quinn smiles timidly, then glances in
QUINN: (nervous) Um... so what do you think, Daria?
(Daria frowns slightly.)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) Be supportive. Tell her something she won't
take too hard. (Beat, aloud) Uh... they stand proudly and proclaim, "I am."
DARIA: Um, kidding. (Beat) Let me think....
(Pause. Helen, Jake, and Quinn exchange subtly irritated looks.)
DARIA: Well, they're pleasingly symmetrical. (Pause) And... they flatter
the face, yet manage to avoid detracting attention from the outfit. (Pause.
Meanwhile, Quinn's face is brightening from the praise.) In short, when I
look at you (smirks) I feel like I'm looking in a mirror.
(Pause. Quinn's expression changes to one of fury. She utters a sharp cry
and lunges at Daria. Daria manages to roll away and jump off the couch
just as Quinn hits it. She stands there, watching Quinn and smirking.
Then Helen intervenes. She wears a glaring expression.)
HELEN: (angry) Quinn... (looks at Daria) Daria, *what* did I tell you?
Go to your room.
DARIA: I'm gone. (to Quinn) Later, brainiac. (She leaves.)
(Meanwhile, we see Quinn holding the glasses as though she's ready to hurl
them across the room. Helen reaches out to stop her.)
HELEN: (still angry) Quinn, you break those, you buy them. And *believe*
me, you don't want to know how much they cost!
(Quinn slumps forward, clasps her legs.)
QUINN: (to herself. self-pitying) I can't *wear* these things! How'll I
face my friends at school tomorrow?
(The shrill sound of an alarm clock ushers in the next scene: )
SCENE 4 (next morning, on the way to school)
(Music plays. side shot of Quinn and Daria walking down a residential
sidewalk. Except for her glasses, Quinn's dressed in her usual attire.
She walks several paces behind Daria. cut to frontal close-up Daria, with
Quinn in the background.)
DARIA: (to Quinn) You know, school only lasts until three. You may want to
pick up the pace.
(cut to close-up Quinn -- shoulders sagging, miserable. She doesn't respond.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (Lawndale High)
(Outside shot of the school. Some people mill around near the building.
cut to close-up of Quinn, watching this scene. She glances around
nervously, then takes off her glasses. cut to shot of school from her
P.O.V. It looks completely fuzzy. cut to close-up Quinn. She frowns a
"Why didn't I realize this before?" frown. Looks down, and is about to put
her glasses back on when, offscreen: )
JOEY: Hi Quinn!
JEFFY: Hi Quinn!
JAMIE: Hi Quinn!
(The 3 J's approach, smiling fawningly. Quinn quickly shoves her glasses
back into their case.)
QUINN: (surprised) Uh, guys, where did *you* come from?
JOEY: What's that you're holding?
JEFFY: Want me to carry it for you?
JAMIE: *I'll* carry it for her!
(Quinn's face takes on a serene expression. She hides the glasses case in
QUINN: (cheery) *Guys* stop fighting! You can *all* take turns carrying
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (Daria and Jane's lockers)
(wide shot of Daria and Jane. Jane's leaning against her locker, Daria's
JANE: I was waiting for you. What happened?
DARIA: Sorry, had to play escort. My mom wanted me to walk Quinn to school
to make sure she wore her glasses. (fiddles around in locker)
JANE: (mischievous) Ah, so at last the moment of reckoning has arrived. I
can't wait to see her. (Beat) Say, your family loyalty wasn't spurred by a
little *bribery*, now, was it?
DARIA: Yeah, bribery in the form of: "If you do this for Quinn, I won't
ground you for two months." Let's just say I wasn't the good big sis last
JANE: You made fun of her glasses.
(Jane shakes her head with mock disapproval.)
JANE: Daria, Daria, Daria, what *are* we going to do with you?
DARIA: You could put me in one of those overseas adoption programs.
(As she says this, Jane looks offscreen to the left, a semi-confused
expression on her face. We hear the 3 J's arguing.)
JOEY: You're pressing too hard!
JEFFY: You're not giving her enough back support!
JAMIE: You're not stuck with the legs!
(Daria and Jane stand in the background while, from offscreen left, the 3
J's appear in the foreground, carrying Quinn. Her expression's still
serene, her arms outspread a la "Titanic". Daria hardly bats an eye as
they move across the screen and disappear.)
JANE: So, are these glasses of Quinn's the new *invisible* kind I've been
hearing so much about?
DARIA: (shaking her head) Didn't take her long to find an excuse not to
wear them, did it? (Beat) Some people just can't handle the thought of
their image being messed with.
JANE: Not like you.
(Daria slams her locker shut.)
DARIA: *Definitely*. (then realizes Jane's playful sarcasm and frowns.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (DeMartino's classroom)
(Extreme close-up shot of DeMartino's head, bulging eye and all.)
DeMARTINO: (to his class) PEOPLE, *PLEASE*!!!
(cut to a wider shot of the classroom, DeMartino standing in front of the
DeMARTINO: (continuing) *Pay* attention! We're STARTing our little
*journey* through Manifest DESTINY today --
(Shot of Quinn and Stacy sitting in the back of the classroom. Stacy's
chewing gum and flipping through an issue of Waif. As DeMartino carries
on, cut to shot of the classroom from Quinn's P.O.V. DeMartino looks like
an animated blob and the markings on the blackboard are indecipherable.
cut to close-up Quinn. She peers down at her purse on her lefthand side.
Then she reaches into it, draws out the glasses case, and removes the
glasses. Slowly, covertly, she lifts the glasses to her face. cut to a
new shot of the classroom from Quinn's P.O.V. DeMartino looks normal and
the markings on board the legible. resume close-up Quinn. She gasps.)
QUINN: (to herself) So that stuff he writes *does* make sense!
(cut to wider shot. Stacy's blowing a bubble.)
STACY: Huh? (bubble pops in her face)
(Quinn yanks off the glasses and hides them before Stacy can look in her
(cut to shot of classroom from Quinn's P.O.V. Everything's fuzzy except
for the desks. Quinn sees an empty desk towards the front of the room.
Turns to Stacy.)
QUINN: Uh, I think I'm gonna take Jeannie's old seat for today, the girl
next to it looks like she's having a *major* fashion crisis.
(Stacy gazes in that direction with her 20/10 vision.)
STACY: Um, Quinn, I think that's a guy.
QUINN: Even worse. (gets up) See ya. (leaves)
(cut to side shot the desks. Quinn creeps up the row to the empty desk,
then sits down and settles in. Suddenly, DeMartino's head bursts into the
shot, causing Quinn to cower.)
DeMARTINO: Weeeeeeell, *Daria*!!!
(Quinn quickly recovers, looks cross.)
QUINN: *Quinn*! (not the first time this has happened)
(DeMartino sneers, his eye bulging.)
DeMARTINO: Right, *Quinn* -- got conFUSED for a moment. MAYbe since
you've *actually* decided to JOIN us in *class*, Quinn, you could give us
the PHILOSophy behind Manifest DESTINY!!!
(Pause. Quinn frowns with thought.)
QUINN: (hesitant) Um... okay... it's where all of us have futures that
are, like, already picked out n' stuff?
DeMARTINO: Interesting observation, Quinn... unfortunately WRONG!!!
(Quinn cowers a little.)
DeMARTINO: AMERicans used Manifest Destiny as an *excuse* to settle in
Mexican *territory*! (Beat) Would ya tell me something, Quinn?
QUINN: Uh, what?
DeMARTINO: How come your SISter --
QUINN: (compelled to sound pissed off, in spite of herself) *Cousin*!
(DeMartino sends her a full-on glare.)
DeMARTINO: Your RELATIVE knew this when I asked HER, but not *you*??!!
(Quinn now looks pissed off.)
QUINN: Because I'm *not* Daria!
DeMARTINO: I'LL say you're *not*!!
(Quinn folds her arms. Now she's *really* pissed off.)
QUINN: Well what's *that* supposed to mean?!
DeMARTINO: Figure it OUT!!!
(Quinn looks a bit wounded.)
(sound of a bell ushers in change of scene: )
SCENE 8 (cafeteria -- lunch)
(Wide shot of cafeteria. cut to close-up of the Fashion Club sitting at
its usual table. Quinn and Stacy sit on the righthand side, Tiffany and
Sandi on the left. Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany are gazing around the
cafeteria. Quinn sits slumped over, picking at her lack of food.)
STACY: (with her 20/10 vision) That girl over there -- her pores are,
like, totally *clogged*.
(Tiffany and Sandi look at the girl to whom Stacy's referring.)
TIFFANY & SANDI: Ewwww!
STACY: And she's got a mole the shape of a snail on her collarbone.
TIFFANY & SANDI: Ugh!!!
SANDI: *Stacy* we are *so* lucky to have you with us. You can see all the
*disgusting* people ahead of time and warn us to stay *away* from them.
STACY: Thanks, Sandi!!!
(Quinn raises her fists in the air.)
QUINN: (enraged) Oh rub it *in*, why don't you?!! (pounds fists on the table)
(Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany look shocked. Quinn quickly looks chastened.)
SANDI: (cocking a brow. haughty) Quinn, you've been acting *very*
TIFFANY & STACY: Yeah.
SANDI: Are you experiencing some sort of *fashion* crisis?
(Quinn looks embarrassed.)
QUINN: (trying to sound normal) Uh, *gosh* no, Sandi, I mean I was just --
(tries to change the subject. talks fast) Um, have you ever noticed how
many people go to this school? I mean, you walk down the halls and there
are, like, tons of them ever --
SANDI: Quinn, save it. (faux noble tone) If you're having a *crisis*, you
can *tell* us.
TIFFANY: We're your friends, Quinn.
(Pause. Quinn looks slightly encouraged.)
QUINN: Um, okay. (Beat) Remember when I told you I had perfect vision?
F.C: (nodding) Uh-huh.
QUINN: Well, it's *not* perfect. In fact (Pause, almost afraid to
continue. dejected tone) I had to get glasses.
(Pause. The F.C.'s don't respond. They sit there, stunned.)
QUINN: (offscreen) Uh... guys?
SANDI: Uh, I see. (best authoritative tone) Well, Quinn, why don't you,
um, show them to us? (Beat. slightly ominous) Put them on.
(Quinn laughs nervously.)
QUINN: Um, 'kay.
(She leans over so that her back blocks our view of her face. Sandi,
Stacy, and Tiffany exchange looks of anticipation. After a few seconds,
Quinn sits upright, wearing the glasses.)
F.C: (sound of gasping) *Hgh*!!!
(Quinn slumps over, face burning.)
QUINN: (melodramatic) Oh God, I *knew* this was a mistake!
SANDI: (struggling to sound calm) Quinn, they're *not* that bad.
(Tiffany and Stacy can barely nod in agreement. Quinn buries her face in
QUINN: Oh, you're just *saying* that!!!
SANDI: No really, I -- (cut off by the offscreen voices of the 3 J's saying
a triple "Hi Quinn!")
(The 3 J's appear side-by-side at Quinn's end of the table. Quinn lifts
her face to look at them. The 3 J's expressions change from fawning to
horror when they see Quinn's glasses.)
JOEY/JEFFY/JAMIE: *Argh*!!!! (they run offscreen)
(Quinn reaches after them.)
QUINN: (calling) Guys... *Guys*?! (enraged) *Dammit*! (yanks off the
glasses and sits there, dejected.)
(The F.C.'s are now silent, except for Stacy, who starts making her little
hyperventilating noises. Suddenly, Sandi puts up her arms in a "calm
SANDI: *Stacy*. (Pause. Stacy stops hyperventilating.) It's all *right*.
The Fashion Club can handle a little *diversity* in its ranks. *Quinn* can
be in charge of showing nerds -- uh, I mean, people with glasses -- how to
TIFFANY & STACY: (nodding limply) Yeah.
(Quinn looks at them gratefully.)
QUINN: (timidly) Thanks guys... you're real friends.
SANDI: (well "duh" tone) Of *course* we are.
QUINN: Um, I'm gonna see if I can track down Joey, Jeffy, and Jameel.
(stands up) I'll be right back. Uh, carry on. (exits left offscreen)
(cut to frontal shot of Quinn walking away from the table. She pauses,
glances to the side, knowing that the rest of the Fashion Club will start
talking about her once she's gone. In the background, the other F.C.'s sit
innocently at the table, watching Quinn. Finally Quinn exits the screen.
cut to close-up of the table with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany.)
SANDI: (low voice) She has *got* to go.
(Stacy's eyes widen with horror.)
STACY: What do you *mean* "go"?
SANDI: (to Tiffany, not paying attention to Stacy) I can't even *look* at
her. She looks like that *girl* who *lives* with her.
STACY: (desperate) But you *told* Quinn --
(Sandi and Tiffany look at Stacy, Sandi with her megabitch expression.)
TIFFANY: Sorry, Stacy.
(Stacy starts trembling and hyperventilating.)
STACY: No... NOOOOOOOOO!
(Sandi stands up and pounds the table.)
SANDI: *Stacy*!! (sits down) We *have* to be strong about this!
TIFFANY: It's for Quinn's own good.
SANDI: (faux moral tone) She *has* to understand that *fashion* draws a
line between the normal people and the *freaks*. Quinn has crossed over to
the *freaks*. She can't be *one* of us, anymore.
(Pause. Stacy lays her head on the table and starts sobbing. Sandi eyes
her with obvious irritation.)
SANDI: (to Tiffany. faux noble tone) It hurts *me* the most -- Quinn was
like a *sister* to me.
(Suddenly, from offscreen, Quinn walks over and stands over the table.)
QUINN: (nervous) Well I couldn't find them, I guess they went *outside*
(cut to shot of the F.C.'s from Quinn's P.O.V. They all look at her. Sandi
and Tiffany seem embarrassed, Stacy looks devastated. cut to close-up
QUINN: (sees the writing on the walls) Um, so how are things... here?
(cut to: )
SCENE 9 (Quinn walking home after school)
(Melancholy music plays. We see Quinn walking alone down a residential
sidewalk, in the opposite direction from which she came that morning. Her
glasses are off, and she walks with her head slumped forward. cut to
overhead diagonal shot of Quinn walking across a street without a
crosswalk. A car slams on its breaks and skids to a stop right before it
hits her. Another car rams into the side of the first one. Sounds of
honking and yelling. Quinn continues to walk on, oblivious. Her face
looks pained and saddened.)
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 10 (Morgendorffer house, evening)
(Same music plays. outside shot of the house. cut to shot of Helen sitting
on the center couch in the foreground, rifling through papers, and the
kitchen in the background. Helen, holds up a piece of paper and studies
it. We hear sounds of rapid page-flipping from offscreen. Helen turns her
head toward the kitchen. cut to shot of kitchen table. Quinn sits there,
wearing her glasses. She's flipping through the pages of a textbook
without bothering to read them. resume shot of Helen, getting a thoughtful
look on her face.)
(music ends. cut to: )
SCENE 11: (Daria's room)
(Shot of her door from the inside. We hear the sound of knocking. cut to
shot of Daria lying on her bed, still reading The Bell Jar. She hears the
knocking, rests the book on her chest.)
DARIA: (deadpan) The no vacancies sign is on.
(cut to shot of the door.)
HELEN: (outside, concerned) Daria? Can I speak with you for a minute?
DARIA: (resigned) *Come* in.
(Helen opens the door and walks toward the bed. Stands over Daria.)
HELEN: Daria, was Quinn wearing her glasses at school today?
DARIA: That depends. (Beat) Do you mean in a literal or a theoretical sense?
(Helen sighs, shakes her head.)
HELEN: I didn't think so. (sits down on the bed.) Sweetie, I wondered if
you'd do me a favor?
(Daria cocks an eyelid at the word "favor.")
(cut to frontal shot of Helen)
HELEN: I thought if *you* wore something you were afraid of, like, oh,
your contact lenses, Quinn would feel it was okay to relax about *her*
(Daria frowns mildly.)
DARIA: I'm not *afraid* of my contact lenses.
HELEN: Well, but I never see you wear them --
DARIA: (flustered -- for her -- and insistent) I *like* my contact
lenses... um, so much so, that I reserve them for special occasions.
HELEN: (wheeling and dealing tone) Well then how about making one of
tomorrow? *Wear* your contacts and show Quinn that you don't *mind* if
people treat you differently.
(Daria sits up a little and gives Helen a "you're three bricks short of a
DARIA: Let me get this straight. You want me to show Quinn that it's *okay*
to wear glasses? (Beat) By wearing *contacts*? (Beat. Helen nods.) But
by doing so, wouldn't I just be drilling nails into the coffin of her
self-esteem by giving myself the *one* thing she can't have -- a
(Beat. Helen sighs.)
HELEN: I *thought* you might try some of your sneaky double-talk on me.
Which is *why* I decided to offer you a *cash* incentive. Twenty dollars.
DARIA: (without batting an eye) Fifty.
(cut to close-up Daria's face. She gets an "I can't believe I'm doing this"
(cut to: )
SCENE 11 (Morgendorffer house, next morning)
(Shot of outside. cut to shot of Daria standing in front of the bathroom
mirror, still in her pajamas... her hair mussed-up in that way I know
people love! She's putting the second contact lens in her eye. Meanwhile,
a rumpled Quinn trudges into the bathroom to do her business. She takes
her place beside Daria in front of the mirror, then looks at her.)
QUINN: What're you *doing*?
(Daria blinks rapidly to settle the lens. Glances at Quinn.)
DARIA: What does it look like I'm doing?
(Quinn stares at her, confused and sleepy. Then, slowly, realization grows
on her face. Gets an expression of horror, then fury.)
QUINN: (tantrum mode) You *can't* wear your contacts!!!!! There's no
*way*, you *traitor*!!!!! I'm staying home!!!!!!!! (runs out of the
(Daria watches her go, then looks at herself in the mirror.)
DARIA: Oh yeah, that went well.
END OF ACT TWO
[Split screen of Daria, smirking, telling Quinn what she thinks of her
glasses, and Quinn in glasses, her expression turning to rage.]
***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt
securely fastened. You thought you could escape, didn't you?
1) Old Navy: "(Singing) Drawstring, they're really fit to be tied, Old
Navy Drawstring!" Geez, Morgan Fairchild, your career must really be on a
downward spiral for you to agree to be in these ads. All those facelifts
for naught, I guess...
2) Ad to promote "Road Rules Latin America," where they feature the
(formerly) six cast members and give them cute nicknames. Gladys: "The
Fists." Um, 'scuse me, but I thought she got kicked off the show because
by hitting Abe she was violating MTV and "Road Rules" policy -- now MTV's
*exploiting* it??? Am I not seeing something... or am I seeing too much?
3) Fergie doing Weight Watchers... Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!! It's just
creepy... almost as bad as seeing Bob Dole do ads for Viagra. Well, at
least she didn't use her signature to advertise margarine, which is what
the Diana Foundation did with Di's signature a while back. At least she
hasn't stooped as low as Morgan Fairchild....
A Mentos commercial would have been too easy. Next time....
***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?***
SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, still morning)
(Outside shot of the house. The front door opens and Daria steps outside,
looking like her usual self except without glasses. Quinn follows her, also
dressed normally, but wears glasses. Both appear calm.)
DARIA: So, how much did she pay you?
QUINN: Five bucks. (Beat) A day.
(Daria frowns darkly.)
DARIA: (muttering) You *lucky* little --
(sound of bell ushers in the next scene: )
SCENE 2 (Lawndale High, morning)
(Inside shot of the hallway, Jane and Daria walking. pan shot as they walk.)
JANE: (teasing) String of pearls, high heels, a slip dress, and I'd say
you're about ready for the prom. (wicked tone) Now all you'd need is a
(From offscreen, we hear sounds of catcalls and "whoo-hoo"! Daria turns to
look behind her, glaring.)
JANE: (continuing) And *that* shouldn't be too hard.
DARIA: (annoyed) *Funny*. (Beat) Dammit, I wish everyone would quit
staring and mind their own damn business.
JANE: Ah, it's the curse of beauty, Daria.
DARIA: *And* bribery.
JANE: (faux non-chalance) Hey, maybe Trent could be your date.
(Daria's face turns bright red. pause shot so that it's focused on the
bathroom doors. Jane and Daria continue to walk on, exit offscreen right.)
(Cut to close-up of the girl's bathroom door. It creaks open. Quinn peers
out, wearing her glasses. She looks in direction where Jane and Daria are
headed and watches as they retreat into the distance. She then starts to
slip out. Suddenly, from offscreen, we hear the voices of Sandi, Stacy,
and Tiffany. Quinn glances in their direction and gasps. cut to shot of
the three advancing F.C.'s from Quinn's P.O.V. resume shot of the bathroom
door. Quinn quickly retreats behind it, narrowly escaping the F.C.'s., who
walk past and exit offscreen right. Pause. Then Quinn opens the door,
creeps out again, and gazes after them. cut to Quinn's P.O.V. People are
filing into classrooms.)
(Melancholy music plays [same from Act II, Scenes 9 & 10]. Quinn watches
and waits until the hall is nearly empty, then leaves the bathroom and
stands in the middle of the hall. She gazes outward, looking depressed.
cut to Quinn's P.O.V. The hall is empty. resume frontal shot of Quinn.
She takes off her glasses and looks again. cut to a new shot of hall from
Quinn's P.O.V. The hall is now fuzzy except for the nearest lockers.
resume frontal shot of Quinn. She heaves a big sigh, her shoulders
sagging. She walks toward the bathroom door, goes inside. fade-out.)
(fade-in. Shot of Quinn standing in front of the bathroom sinks, looking at
herself with glasses on in the mirror . On her right, we see a garbage can
and the bathroom stalls. As she looks, Quinn wears the same forlorn
expression. Pause. Then, suddenly, her expression changes to anger and
defiance. Quinn turns away from the mirror and yanks off the glasses. She
holds them up by the tips of her fingers, as if they were some form of
toxic waste that she had to dispose of. Glances around for a few seconds,
then notices the garbage can. Quinn walks over to it and holds the glasses
over the can. After hesitating for a moment, she finally drops them in.
Turns to the right and walks toward the door, past the bathroom stalls.
Quinn brushes her hands together in a "that settles that" motion, exits
offscreen right. pause shot on the middle stall. We hear the sound of
the bathroom door opening and shutting. Pause)
(The door to the middle stall opens, and Andrea steps out. cut to shot of
mirror and sinks. From offscreen right, Andrea walks over to the sink
nearest the garbage can. Leans down. Pause. Looks toward the garbage can.
Pause. Then Andrea reaches into garbage can and pulls out Quinn's glasses.
She wipes them and puts them on. We see what she looks like in the mirror.)
(Melancholy music ends. cut to an abrupt surge of "upbeat" music, ushering
in the next scene.)
SCENE 3 (hallway after class)
(Close-up Quinn's face, wearing cheery expression as she explains to the
Fashion Club what happened yesterday. cut to a wider shot of Quinn
standing with the F.C.'s in the hallway, beside some lockers and a
classroom. The classroom door keeps opening, students filing out.)
QUINN: So, like, it turned out he wasn't *supposed* to put the dilating
drops in *before* the eye exam, *that's* why I did so bad. So the whole
thing was, like, a *big* mistake. I'm thinking of suing for damages.
(Stacy and Tiffany nod.)
STACY & TIFFANY: You should.
SANDI: (haughty. slightly disappointed) Well, that explains a lot, I
guess. Let's just, um, welcome you back and forget yesterday ever
QUINN: (relieved) Thanks, Sandi!
SANDI: Cashman's after school?
(The other F.C.'s nod.)
TIFFANY: Wait, doesn't the new shipment of halter tops come today at eleven?
(Sandi claps hands together.)
SANDI: (shocked) That's *right*. I must have been *preoccupied* (gives
Quinn the evil eye. Quinn blushes.) or else *I* would have remembered.
(Beat) We'll have to cut class to be first in line.
(Stacy and Tiffany nod.)
STACY & TIFFANY: Yeah.
QUINN: *Cut* class?
(Sandi arches an eyebrow.)
SANDI: (megabitch tone) That a *problem*, Quinn? (it never has been before)
(Quinn's still hesitant.)
QUINN: Well, um... (Her gaze trails off to the right. She's about to
(Quinn's eyes widen. cut to shot of hallway from her P.O.V. Everything's
pretty fuzzy, but from out of nowhere, Andrea appears, wearing Quinn's
glasses, walking in the F.C.'s direction. She walks unsteadily, her arms
ANDREA: (awed tone) Cool.
(cut to Andrea's P.O.V., which is framed by dark outer rims of the glasses.
The colors of the hallway have bled together to form a pastel wave. As
Andrea approaches the F.C., Quinn's body stretches until it coils around
like a snake. Stacy and Tiffany's bodies balloon outward. Sandi's head
stretches and swells in grotesque proportions.)
(resume normal shot of the F.C.'s. Quinn's still watching Andrea.)
(Meanwhile, Sandi's getting pissed off.)
(Quinn jerks her head to the left and looks in that direction, trying to
avert attention from Andrea.)
QUINN: Well, Sandi, I --
(She's about to respond again, when she sees something offscreen and gasps
a second time. cut to hallway from her P.O.V. Daria and Jane appear out
of the fuzzy surroundings, walking in the F.C.'s direction, opposite
direction from Andrea. resume shot of the F.C.'s. Quinn tries to shield
her face. She knows Daria will let her have it if she sees her without
glasses or if she sees Andrea *with* them [Btw: somehow, she just knows
they're hers. She never once thinks that maybe Andrea got a pair just like
SANDI: ("you're on thin ice" tone) Quinn, *what* are you *doing*?
(We then see Andrea walk past the F.C.'s in the foreground. pan shot to
follow Andrea as she walks. Just as she's heading toward an intersecting
corridor, Daria and Jane turn down that corridor. pause shot. Andrea
walks past the corridor, exits offscreen right. Meanwhile, Daria and Jane
stop next to a set of lockers, presumably their own. They appear to not
have noticed anything unusual. cut to shot of the F.C. Quinn gazes to the
left. cut to shot of hallway from her P.O.V. -- empty. resume wide shot.
Quinn relaxes, turns toward Sandi.)
QUINN: Sure I'll cut class with you guys. (Beat) Um, in fact, why don't we
do it now?
(Sandi and Tiffany exchange surprised looks. Then Sandi turns to Quinn and
gives a curt nod.)
SANDI: (authoritative) *Sounds* like a plan.
(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Daria and Jane at their lockers. Jane is
fiddling through hers, Daria is leaning against hers, looking quite
DARIA: (irritated) He didn't have to *hug* me. In front of the whole class.
JANE: (reasonable) Oh, you know how Mr. O'Neill gets when someone deciphers
one of his mind-bending diagrams.
DARIA: The scariest thing was, he seemed to think I'd be okay with that
sort of thing. That's just *wrong*. (Beat) He'd never have done it if I'd
(From offscreen, we hear Brittany's voice.)
BRITTANY: *Yoooo-hooo*! Daria!
(Daria and Jane look at each other, frown.)
DARIA & JANE: Mmmmmrrrrrr...
(They turn to look left, toward the beginning of the corridor. Brittany
and Kevin walk onscreen , stand opposite them.)
KEVIN: (goofy cheerfulness) Hey Daria, lookin' *good*! (gives her a thumbs up)
(As he says this, Brittany's hands are clasped, and she's looking at Kevin
with a vacant, adoring expression.)
BRITTANY: (spacy cheerfulness) See, Kevvy, I told you Daria'd come around.
She's vain like *I* am!!!
JANE: (to Daria. sarcastic) Yes, you and Brittany share *so* many qualities.
DARIA: We both bre-- aw, forget it.
KEVIN: Say, Daria, does this mean you'll, like, be doing other stuff to,
like, make yourself look good?
(Daria gets a wicked half-smirk on her face.)
DARIA: (slightly seductive tone) Well I don't know, Kevin. I wouldn't want
to make *Brittany* jealous.
KEVIN: (oblivious) Oh that's okay.
(Suddenly Brittany glares at Kevin, her fists clenched.)
BRITTANY: What do you *mean* it's *okay*?!! Why *you*...*EAP*!!!
(She pounds on Kevin with her fists, Kevin cringes.)
KEVIN: Ow! *Baaaaabe*! (runs offscreen. Brittany chases him.)
DARIA: (watching them go. deadpan) Another admirer bites the dust.
(From offscreen, we now hear Jodie's voice.)
JODIE: Hi guys!
(Daria and Jane turn to look at her.)
DARIA & JANE: Hey, Jodie.
(Jodie walks onscreen from the left and stands beside them.)
JODIE: (supportive tone) Daria, I just want to say that I think you look
really good today.
DARIA: (grunting) Thanks.
JODIE: Your contacts make you look kind of sweet, and vulnerable.
(Daria's mouth curls with disgust.)
JANE: Don't scare her, Jodie.
JODIE: (amused) I'm sorry Mr. O'Neill got carried away.
DARIA: (resigned) Yeah, well what do you expect? (Beat) Change one thing
about you and everyone thinks you've become a different person.
JODIE: (still amused, philosophical) Well there *is* something to be said
about changes expanding your options in life.
JANE: (to herself) Yeah, someone just has to *hear* it. (looks at Daria)
(Jodie suddenly checks her watch.)
JODIE: Anyway, I gotta go. I'll see you guys later. (walks offscreen)
DARIA & JANE: Bye.
DARIA: Yeah, we'd better head to class. (Beat) I sure hope *Quinn's*
suffering as much as I've been today. (Pause. sees Jane staring offscreen
JANE: (quiet awe) Whoa, check *her* out!
(Daria turns to look. Gets an expression of astonishment.)
DARIA: What the...?
(cut to side shot of Daria and Jane, obviously from Andrea's P.O.V. Their
bodies lengthen into snake-like forms, intertwine, and merge at the head.
Around them, the lockers curve back and forth, as if swaying to rhythmic
music. cut to wide shot of Daria and Jane as they appear normally. Both
are wearing expressions of shock. Andrea walks onscreen, wearing Quinn's
glasses. Stands across from Daria and Jane, where Jodie was before. Daria
frowns, recognizing the glasses. Andrea takes them off and hands them to
ANDREA: (expressionless) I think these are yours. You seem to be missing a
(Daria receives the glasses.)
DARIA: (befuddled -- for her. "Andrea's actually *talking* to me?") Um...
ANDREA: They were a pretty big trip for a while, but now I'm kind of
nauseous. (Beat) It's a *cool* kind of nauseous, though.
(Without another word, she walks away, offscreen right. Jane watches her go.)
JANE: Um... bye? (turns to Daria, who's looking at the glasses with a
puzzled, irritated expression on her face) Are those Quinn's?
(Jane reaches over and takes the glasses. She tries them on. Her face
takes on look of awe.)
JANE: *Whoa*! These are pretty cool. (possessive tone creeps in) Hey, if
she doesn't want them, I *know* I could put these to good use.
(Daria holds out her hand.)
DARIA: Not so fast. (Jane, with some reluctance, takes off the glasses and
gives them to Daria.) No *way* she's getting away with this. Five bucks a
day for no work??? (Beat) C'mon.
(Daria walks offscreen left. Jane follows.)
(cut to side close-up Daria and Jane walking into the intersecting
corridor. They stop and look around.)
DARIA: Now where --?
JANE: *Daria*. (nods her head to her right. Daria looks.)
(cut to their P.O.V. We see the Fashion Club in the distance, near the
exit doors. cut to wide side shot of the F.C.'s walking to the exit. Quinn
drags behind a bit. From offscreen left, Daria comes up behind her and
grabs her shoulder. Jane follows.)
DARIA: Aren't you *forgetting* something? (holds out the glasses)
(Quinn looks down, cringes.)
QUINN: (knows she's busted. feeble) Ugh.
(As in the beginning of this episode, the other F.C.'s shudder and step
away from Daria and Jane.)
(Jane looks at the F.C.'s She bares her teeth, growls a little. Stacy and
Tiffany gasp and run toward the exit. Sandi stands there for a few
seconds. She raises her fists, looking as though she's ready to take Jane
on. Then she groans and runs for the exit, too. Daria, Quinn, and Jane
watch the F.C.'s go.)
JANE: (amused) Fashion victims bite the dust.
(Quinn looks down at the glasses.)
QUINN: (to Daria. shocked) Where did you *find* those?
DARIA: (hard tone) Apparently not where they were supposed to be. (Beat)
(Quinn looks at her with a pleading expression.)
QUINN: You won't tell Mom and Dad, will you?
(Daria holds out the glasses.)
DARIA: Wear these and there'll be nothing *to* tell.
(Beat. Quinn waves her fists in the air.)
QUINN: Well I *won't*! (stalks away)
(Pause. Daria and Jane watch her go. Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: (to Quinn) So you plan on stumbling around for the rest of your
life? (Beat. as she says this, Quinn slows down, nearly stops.) Have you
thought it through about how you'd hide this from our parents?
(Quinn stops. She twists her hands together.)
QUINN: (uncomfortable) Well, um, I haven't... really... reached that part.
(Daria looks at the glasses.)
DARIA: Well I can see these haven't completely gone to your head, yet.
(Quinn turns around and glares at Daria, who's coming up to her with Jane.)
QUINN: (to Daria. pissed) Don't you have a *class* to go to???
DARIA: Don't *you*?
JANE: (to Quinn) Come on, let's see what you look like in these things.
(gestures to Daria to hand over the glasses)
(Pause. Daria holds out the glasses to Quinn. Quinn hesitates before
taking them, frowning with disgust. Finally she swipes the glasses, puts
them on. She looks sulky and Daria-esque.)
JANE: (surprised. sincere) Hey, not bad!
QUINN: *Agh*! (yanks off the glasses)
DARIA: (to Jane) Sorry.
JANE: (unfazed) Yeah, yeah, she's been programmed to think the opposite of
what an unpopular person tells her. I get it.
(Quinn stalks over to one of the groups of lockers and leans against one.
She looks at the glasses.)
QUINN: (semi-whiny. confused) Daria, I don't know what to *do*! (waves
glasses as she says this) These things *have* gone and messed with my
head! (rushes on before Daria can speak.) I mean, it's like I put these
on and I can see stuff that I couldn't see before and want to do stuff
differently and it's kind of, um, not that bad. (voice trails off on a
DARIA: (subtle surprise) So you *do* like the glasses?
QUINN: I *guess*, but when I wear them people act like I'm some big
*freak* and won't talk to me! I mean, I haven't changed *that* much.
(rambles on a bit to herself) I'm not gonna join the *chemistry* club, or
(Pause. Then Daria looks at Jane and sighs a "I know where this is headed"
sigh. It's Jane's turn to smirk knowingly.)
DARIA: (resigned. serious) Look, Quinn, I'll only say this once. You and I
aren't so different in some ways.
(Beat. Quinn's listening, wearing a neutral expression.)
DARIA: (continuing) We both know that other people judge us by our
appearance, so we want it to be on our own terms. We create these
identities that we feel reflect our *true* selves -- you bouncy and cute,
(She reaches for Quinn's glasses and puts them on to emphasize her point.
cut to Daria's P.O.V. Quinn looks like the Picasso-style painting Jane was
working on at the beginning of Act II. resume shot of Daria. She gets a
stunned expression on her face and briefly loses track of what she's been
saying. Quickly takes off the glasses, hands them back to Quinn.)
DARIA: (trying to get back on track) Um... well, anyway... as I was
saying, we create these identities, and refuse to budge from them in any
way out of fear of rejection or loss of self-control.
(Pause. Then Quinn throws her hands in the air.)
QUINN: (exasperated) Well, *duh*! Who *doesn't* do that?! But what am I
supposed to do about it *now*? (looks at the glasses again)
DARIA: I don't know. The funny thing is, sometimes the identities we
create become as false to ourselves as anything *other* people may guess
(Beat. Quinn frowns, trying to understand.)
DARIA: (more pointedly) *Meaning* (Pause) you already feel different about
yourself because of the glasses. So you can't return to your old identity,
not without feeling a sense of loss, anyway. (Beat) So I guess from now
on, you'll just have to wear them.
(Pause. Quinn sighs, looking resigned and depressed.)
DARIA: (seeing this) *Most* of the time.
(Pause. Quinn stares at the ground.)
QUINN: (quietly) My friends'll hate me.
JANE: Maybe so, but somehow I don't think you'll *care*.
DARIA: You'll have to deal with jerks who don't understand you your whole
life. (Beat) Might as well learn to cope with it now. (Beat) Your glasses
work for you, so why mess up a good thing?
(Quinn's still looking at the ground. Then realization slowly grows on her
face. She sighs.)
QUINN: You're right. (Pause. lifts face) You're *right*.
JANE: (to Daria. softly) Good advice, big sis.
(Daria smirks a reply.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (outside Jane's house, the next morning)
(Shot of outside, Daria standing by the front door, her back to us. cut to
close-up front door. It opens, Jane comes out. She stands there, looking
at Daria for a second.)
JANE: (a bit flat) Oh.
(Daria and Jane turn and face front. Daria is wearing her glasses.)
DARIA: (amused, but understanding) Expecting *not* to see something?
JANE: Yeah, well...
(cut to shot of sidewalk. From offscreen, Daria and Jane step onto it,
JANE: So I'm assuming you didn't take to heart the advice you gave yesterday?
DARIA: Sure I did. Why wouldn't I have?
JANE: The way you talked about other people's opinions not bothering you,
I thought --
(Daria motions for Jane to stop. She smirks a slightly resigned smirk.)
DARIA: Let's put it this way, my situation's not exactly like Quinn's.
(Beat) She puts on glasses and thinks the world's a different place. I
wear my contacts, and... well while I *like* them, I don't see much of a
change -- other than how people treat me. So I figure, why *not* the
glasses? Beats touching my eyeballs twice a day.
JANE: (in a not-quite-satisfied tone) So you'll never ever wear contacts to
DARIA: (full-on smirk) I wouldn't say *never*.
(Jane smiles a "hell, at least it's something" smile, and shrugs.)
JANE: Let's just hope Quinn took your advice to heart.
DARIA: I don't know. She wore her glasses last night, but she was gone this
morning by the time I came down. So we'll have to wait and see.
(fade-out, fade-in. Jane and Daria stand in the same positions as when
they were walking to school. The backdrop has changed from residential
neighborhood to school hallway. Daria and Jane are both looking straight
ahead and frowning.)
JANE: (slightly annoyed) Well, *there's* your answer.
DARIA: (curt) *Um-hmm*.
(cut to shot of Quinn talking with the rest of the Fashion Club and *not*
wearing her glasses. return to close-up of Jane and Daria. Daria sighs.)
DARIA: I guess I was asking too much of her. Who could blame her for not
wanting to sacrifice everything that's given her life meaning 'til now?
(Beat) From now on, she'll have to figure out on her *own* what's best for
(Daria turns left and exits offscreen. Jane pauses, watching her go. She
JANE: (pointedly. to herself) Yeah.
(cut to shot of the F.C. Quinn has fallen silent and has a thoughtful look
on her face. [btw: she doesn't know she's been watched])
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 5 (DeMartino's classroom)
(Wide shot of the class, with DeMartino in front, writing on the board.
cut to shot of Quinn and Stacy, sitting in the back. Quinn's squinting,
trying to make out the words, but having no luck. Finally she turns to
Stacy and taps her on the arm. Stacy looks up from her copy of Waif.)
QUINN: Um, Stacy, I think I'm gonna move into Jeannie's old seat from now
on, the view of the fashion *don'ts* is much better from there which means
I'll be able to stop them before they become fashion *do's*. You
(Stacy becomes subdued at the thought of Quinn leaving her.)
STACY: Sure, Quinn.
(cut to side shot of the desks. Quinn creeps up the row to the empty desk
she sat in during Act II, Scene 7. As before, she gets settled a bit
before DeMartino interrupts her. From offscreen:)
DeMARTINO: Weeeeeeeeell, QUINN!
(cut to close-up of DeMartino. His arms are folded and eye is bulging.)
DeMARTINO: *Nice* to see ya. Would you *care* to be SINGled out again? though it's
*not* like you have a CHOICE!!!
(cut to frontal close-up Quinn. She onl
y looks mildly unnerved this time. Her expression turns to one of calm.)
QUINN: Okay, sure.
(cut to close-up DeMartino. His arms drop to their sides.)
(cut to close-up Quinn. She has on an amused, slightly exasperated smile.)
QUINN: I said *okay*.
(cut to close-up DeMartino. His face shows the faintest glimmer of
respect. cut to close-up Quinn. She raises her brows in a "go ahead, do
your worst" manner.)
[roll the credits.........................]
*** Thought you could get away, just like that??? Well, you can ... but I
hope you'll keep on reading to get my commentary on this episode.***
First, if you're ever bored on a rainy day, here's a little game for you:
count the number of times people say "Um" in this episode. I guarantee
you'll be pleasantly surprised....
Second, my vision's pretty good, so I don't know *how* near-sighted 20/100
would be. It may not be very near-sighted at all, but for the purposes of
this episode, it sounded dramatic (as opposed to even 20/150, etc.). Sorry
if I've given a grossly inaccurate portrayal of near-sightedness... all I
can say is that literary license goaded me on. :-)
Points of Interest:
1) references to Manifest Destiny and the Act II line "They stand proudly
and proclaim 'I am,'" come from "Esteemers."
2) reference to VAL magazine at the optometrist's -- "The Lost Girls"
3) Daria's quote about shopping in Act I is borrowed from All Quiet on the
I tried to keep everything exactly as the show would have it, but there
were a couple of things I got confused about or invented. I don't think the
optometrist in "Through a Lens Darkly" had a name, so I gave him one. I
also couldn't remember if Daria's and Jane's locker was anywhere near an
intersecting corridor [do you pay attention to that stuff?], so I invented
one for the sake of the plot. Lastly, I couldn't remember if the bathroom
doors faced the hallway, or if people had to go through a small passage to
get to them [it's been a while since I've seen "The Lost Girls"]. So if I'm
wrong, may I forever wear a scarlet letter. :-)
Parallels with "Through a Lens Darkly":
1) visit to the optometrist (and that damn refraction machine)
2) both Daria and Quinn have angst-ridden moments in the bathroom
3) both ditch their glasses because they're afraid they'll harm their
looks, and both end up somewhat reverting back to their usual selves by the
end of the episode
finally.... COMMENTARY (that other stuff above is filler!)
First, I'll ask whether people view Daria's and Quinn's actions at the end
of this episode as a *cop-out*? I could definitely see it both ways,
although I will say that in future fanfics (if I ever have time to write
them -- my schedule!), I won't forget that Quinn has vision problems.
Second: from the first time I saw "Cafe Disaffecto," where Quinn lures that
guy into buying her long-distance phone cards, I knew she was smart. She's
probably as smart as Daria, just as Daria is as pretty (and some would say
more so) as Quinn. I felt like giving Quinn the chance to *show* that she
could be intelligent... and I also thought that having a vision problem
could serve as a unique explanation for why Quinn's so self-absorbed: she
can't *see* there's a bigger world out there. And once she can, she can't
Where "Through a Lens Darkly" comes in: I got the inspiration for my
episode after I saw TALD for the first time (I think because I was mad that
Quinn wasn't in it more). As I developed the storyline, I realized I could
address issues that had only been lightly touched upon in TALD. One is how
people treat you differently once you change your looks. In TALD, we saw
Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Li treat Daria differently on the day she wore
contacts, but otherwise the episode was about Daria's personal struggle
with vanity. I wanted to flesh out the theme of how to cope when people
act like you're not you.
The other major issue has to do with Jane, and the pleasure she gets
whenever Daria loosens up ("*gee*, you may join the human race after all").
In TALD, she got a thrill from Daria's admission that she was vain... but
later, she was pretty supportive when Daria said she was going back to her
glasses. My thoughts on that: Jane no doubt *does* support Daria's choices
for the most part... but in the case of the glasses, what if Daria's choice
to wear them caused her to become vain-aphobic all over again? I could see
Jane becoming impatient with her -- "you're not Mother Theresa" -- which is
a scenario I wanted to bring out in this fanfic.
Most of all, I wrote this because I thought it'd be cool to see Quinn in
glasses and Daria in her contacts again. :-)
Phew... a postscript as long as the "episode" itself! Thanks for reading....
This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, originally copyrighted May 1999,
revised copyrighted June 1999. All rights reserved.