Bunny McTabbash's Guide to Climbing the Corporate Ladder
A COMPREHENSIVE AND FOOLPROOF GUIDE TO ACHIEVING THE SUCCESS YOU DESERVE!
by MAE-O email@example.com
from the perspective of an anti-feminist, trashy hoe named Bunny McTabbash
Are you bored with your dead-end, go-nowhere job? Well, stop moping and get to work! If you follow these tips you’ll be at the head of the office in no time!
Dress for Success: Wear a skirt God damn it! I can't stand these “paint suit“-wearing bitches. You're a woman, right? Then fuckin' dress like it! There's nothing wrong with showing a little skin in the boardroom. You've got ASSets, so use 'em! Wear tight clothes. Anyone who thinks spandex went out in the 80's has no hope of ever excelling. Frumpy clothes make you look like a smelly bag lady, and hiding a luscious figure makes you look like you have low self esteem. Making this kind of impression on a boss could even result in being demoted! Wear makeup: a little blue eye shadow and ruby red lipstick goes a long way with a boss whose wife is outta town. This month’s Cosmo has some great “dressing for success“ tips; pick up a copy and make it your bible to a better, promotable you!
Dumb it Down: You don't want to look too smart or too capable. Please keep all your “innovative“ and “profitable“ ideas to yourself. Sorry honey, it's not impressing anyone. Instead of “thinking“ so much, let your boss do all the thinking for you. Agree with his ideas and strategies; applaud him on his work well done. Laugh at his jokes, and NEVER CORRECT HIM! He is in a position of power - you have no right to correct someone in his position. Who do you think you are, anyway? Give lots of support and reassurance and maybe someday he'll return the favor.
Cut Throat Competition: WOMEN ARE THE ENEMY! The biggest mistake I see women make is making friends with their female coworkers. BIG MISTAKE! They are looking to steal your ideas, sleep with your man, and pocket all the tampons in the ladies room. Spread rumors about different women in the office. For example, you caught Stacy taking a big smelly shit in the ladies room; Jennifer fucks her dog and Lucy's fake tits are leaking silicone. Make everyone out to be a freak except you. Another trick is to bring in donuts every Friday morning, bake brownies and keep the candy jar full at all times. This way all the other women in the office get fat, while you attack your carrot stick stash! Right on! Remember, it's ok to make small talk and act casual, but don't share your ideas and don't get too close!
Dump Work on Temps: Just do it! Make it look like it's their job to begin with - they'll never know the difference. Plus, they will most likely only be there for a week anyway. Why should you have to do everything? Make them earn that $8.50 an hour!
Spread Disease: This is a little strategy I learned from Barb, my 75 year old, 300 pound co-worker at Hooters. Come in at the start of a cold or flu, make it look like you’re working hard and spread it around! Sneeze all over everyone’s things. Sneeze and spread mucus on toilet seats, doorknobs, peoples’ purses, jackets, and LUNCH. You'll look like you’re bustin' ass while trying to recover while all your coworkers are home in bed. Lazies!
Massage the Boss: Go into his office and remember to close the door. Say this phrase exactly in your cutest, most seductive bedroom voice; “Aww... bossy boss, you've been working soooooo HARD. You look like you could use a long FIRM massage.“ Then go over and start rubbing his shoulders. Start loosening his tie and unbuttoning his shirt…next, undo his belt and get him on the floor. If this sounds too FORWARD to you, then maybe you should ask yourself how bad you REALLY want to move up the corporate ladder. The corporate ladder takes sacrifice, determination and raw sex! Scratch his back and he’ll scratch yours!
Out To Lunch: Suggest that you and your boss go out to lunch at the nicest restaurant in town. Order SALAD Fat free dressing is ok, I guess. Get to know him; a little dirty talk will let him know that you are an “open” and honest person. Share your wildest sex stories and your darkest fantasies. The main objective is to become his “pal” this could lead to bigger and better things for the both of you. Don’t forget to eat only half your salad - you don’t want to look like a pig. When dinner is through, let him pay. A lady never pays for a meal - only dykes and Feminazis pull that shit!
Keep in mind that you can go far with these tips, but not too far. Remember, no one likes a woman in charge! *back to main page*