dwelling and wallowing in despair...SUCKS!

By T.G. Clown

Yesterday I was mentally and physically sick. Mentally sick from nasty minor threats from every angle. Physically sick from milk.

I lay down on my bed limiting my movements to prevent myself from vomiting. Sweating from my forehead. Overwhelmed by the pain. Inhaling and exhaling. "Breathe in and breathe out. Breathe in and breathe out..." Nurturing myself from my problems. Trying not to bother anyone, but their ignorant loud whispers wakes me from my uncomfortable sleep.

Well I guess my large field of sickness has been off and on since last year. Getting sick, tired, extremely nervous, depressed, feeling unhappy, thinking weird stuff, and sleeping in the afternoons are just some of my dilemmas. I didn't consult anyone so that I can get through it myself. Maybe it's not such a good idea. Then again I keep everything to myself.

"I'll get better... I feel better... I forgot about my problems for 20 minutes... I am improving... I feel like shit... I hate everything... Leave me alone!!! Wake up!!! Time to go to school..." Headed to the bathroom. (my usual days)

I guess I am not the only one who suffers. There's so many madness going around that it makes everyone ill. Maybe it's a natural thing that everyone goes through and gets out of...I don't know!

Well I guess these problems have generally taught me about life itself. The ups and downs, they're all part of it. It's an oscillating swing that can throw you hard on the ground if you're not strong enough to handle it. Or are these problems chemically produced inside everyone's brain to make them a stronger person? Who knows what it is? It's just hard to go through when you feel that you're the only person that is suffering.

I looked back to the days when life was all about fun and games. Everything seemed so simple, nice, and carefree. But how did I become this nervous monster? How sad and scary it is. Well what am I supposed to do?--cry and get depressed? No... I had enough of that. I want to change. "Man is not on this earth only to be happy, he is not there to be simply honest, he is there to realize great things for humanity, to attain nobility and to surpass the vulgarity in which the existence of almost all individual drags on."

For starters, the weather seems nice and I hope it's another easy day. Maybe I should take a walk. And yes, I do feel that I am doing better these days.

I hope that my future will be better than the present, but I fear that it'll only get worst. Who will decide for my future?--of course, me. I guess I should make good decisions that'll lead me to an euphoria or some other comforting environment. But what if something messes it up? What the hell is going to happen to me?

Then again--"Stop thinking about yourself for a while. Maybe if you stopped dwelling on yourself and being so self-centered, you wouldn't be so miserable. Try and look at some people around you and try and help them. Try and change things instead of wallowing, because it's useless." -thanks...

*back to main page*