From the desktop of a neurotic by nature

My school is a small tedious hell, consisting of about sixty to seventy kids per grade. I have to say, if it wasn't for the zine, I would have really had it with the school. Anyway, I would say that most of the kids get along fine; you could say that most were friends, considering the atmosphere is quite intimate and private. Nevertheless, it's not always as it appears to be and numerous kids seem to hold vicious feelings towards one another, but cease to grant it through a rebellious appearance. (Maybe that is just me) I for one, know that I have not exactly expressed my wrath rebelliously in the classroom and so forth either, so I hold no blame. All I know is that I don't necessarily need to do that to show my detachment, it's fairly obvious that I am a misfit.

"from the desktop computer of a neurotic by nature"
"absolutely exposed!"

I speak only to a couple of specific kids unless I have to talk to someone else. Don't get me wrong, but my behavior in no way clashes with insolence, I'm simply trying not to expose myself. Therefore, I refrain from speaking out as much as I can. In a way, my reasons for doing that is that I'm embarrassed of myself as well. My action is taking no action. That is what probably keeps me restricted the most. These actions arise naturally since nobody chooses to be a loner in the first place. Nobody's a natural born misfit; human nature doesn't stand for that, but environment does.

Initially, I'd expect that most people do want to fit in. There's actually no doubt about it in my mind that people do want to conform. Only after a realization that there's a need to oppose is when the person prevents themselves from striving. I saw myself having no opportunity in making the right friends, much less making friends in general. By the time I could apprehend that, I was virtually too separated to even start trying. I had my own doctrines of what was right and wrong. The music I listened to was mostly in regard to being isolated. Unusually my surroundings somehow led me to conclude that it was okay to want to be distinct.

"from the desktop computer of a neurotic by nature"
"something I'd do in my spare time"

I recall reading an article about how the loners end up emulating the way most of the mainstream kids go about in their cliques after establishing their groups. By reading this, I got that the loner groups also started having outcasts from their own groups. This defeated the whole purpose of, shall I say unity---although it's such a naive and redundant term now---in that the loner kids were doing exactly equivalent to what the mainstream kids were always doing. The essential problem to that was that it created even more distinctions and took away the likelihood of developing a secure group that included people of all different types. If it wasn't for that, the loner's modeling of the mainstream kids wouldn't have even mattered. It saddened me to consider that I could be a castaway in a group already made of outcasts like me.

At times, I speculate whether I would have still been different if I had complied to the rules of socialization. (Wishful thinking) I wonder if I could have been better off, or would have come out just as ignorant and superficial as the rest of them. Hell, maybe I shouldn't even think of questions like these. Perhaps my situation, as I stand now, has nothing to do with compliance. Hence, here are some thoughts on noncompliance:

"from the desktop computer of a neurotic by nature"
"totally calculating"


-1-You feel somewhat superior because you're "peculiar."
-2-You feel you don't have to follow fleeting trends.
-3-You feel you are an individual.


-1-Reality strikes you and you don't feel superior. For example, in general gatherings, people misconstrue you or might even think you're deranged.
-2-Punks or misfits, for example have their own dress code and you might feel a bit dumbfounded because of a need to satisfy their standards.
-3-Thus, you feel you really aren't an individual after all.

"from the desktop computer of a neurotic by nature"
"I take pride, fuck you all; I like to be boisterous!"


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