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More Appetite for Portia

By Fungus Amongus

Portia stole my leather jacket. She took off my Ramones buttons and put a Beatles button on instead. Therefore, I dug her garbage to find them. They were there along with women's stuff. In case you're wondering why she did this, we got in a fight few days ago about something I don't even remember. My best guess is an argument about Chewy. She has something against me because of my relationship with Chewy. I think she's mad that I can't get along with Chewy or because I might be one to break up her clique with Chewy and Emo. I can't help being angry at Chewy when he is so dumb. Chewy takes the longest time in the grocery store cause he can't chose between plain, wheat, or rye bread. His favorite food is bread so why doesn't he just buy all instead of spending two hours on the same row? Chewy always buys a sports drink, power bar, condom, and an itch cream. It's amazing how fast he uses up those itch creams. I keep telling him he doesn't need that much and that he's probably going to get some big rash if he continues using them that way. I remind him that he is dealing with strong substances, but does he listen? He wakes up the next morning all green and stays in the shower for hours just cleaning and rinsing that same old spot. Sometimes I want to tell Chewy that he is making it worse for himself. He still doesn't understand the seriousness of his condition and therefore goes around fucking Portia. I hope Portia knows the seriousness of his condition or at least knows how to have safe sex. She apparently knows neither. I tried to give Portia one of these lessons on safe sex. That was when I popped a little hole in my condom. She still didn't notice and all I wanted to do was see her getting mad at me. It is great pastime when she tries to inflict her perversion towards me. However this period of fun stopped because Emo somehow won her with his charms. During this time, I spent many nights detached. Whenever I went to the bathroom, I could hear this screaming in Portia's room. Some of this would go on in my room at times because Emo was my roommate. No matter how much I told Portia I hated listening to their outbursts, they continued doing it with more pleasure. This happened every single night. I even tried punching Emo's lights out, but did they care? They asked me why I was disturbing their urge. I asked them why they were disturbing my sleep. I swear Emo got double pleasure from those nights because he knew he was making me miserable. That's the kind of guy Emo is. Once I went to Portia's room to get away from the noise and invasion. I needed some rest, but I forgot what an anal bitch her roommate was. She wasn't even asleep so she told me to get my ugly face out of her room. I did and went back into my room. Then all I did was wait. The next day, Portia would obsess about Chewy again in front of me and Emo. She'd talk about how much she missed him although Chewy doesn't give a fuck about her. I bet he cares more about this tall black guy he keeps talking about named Mooks. He always talks about how vast the guy's genitals are and about something from Christmas of '94 like I care. He still has a soft spot for Mooks, but never for Portia. He definitely has a soft spot for Emo thus confirming my belief that he is a homo erectile. I don't understand why anyone will be willing to please a commanding asshole like Emo. It must be something that happened fourteen years ago or so that I won't be able to comprehend. It must be something natural that makes Emo seem beautiful in his eyes. I don't know what he sees, but no one else sees it. He could be attracted to his high feminine eyebrows or his bedroom eyes. Maybe it's his big nose, hazel eyes, or his skinniness. Or maybe it's his shaded glasses or the way his sweater fits. Maybe it's his tight jeans. Chewy did say Emo should be a Levis model. Could it be his nest-like hair, his crease, his big features, or his bone structure? I'm not sure. All I know is that Portia doesn't find him attractive. Portia only finds Chewy charming. Could it be because of the wrinkles between his eyes, his unshaved face, his big head, his big wide nose, or his fat lips? Could it be his everlasting youth, his milkyness, his little nipple, or his basketball high tops? Maybe it's his tube neck, his tan, his sandy blonde hair, or his muscular biceps. Or maybe it's his tight wife beating tank top, his pajama pants, or his hats. Is it his animal instincts? Does she like the way he eats? She did bake him cookies even when he was with some Jennifer Love Hewitt. Portia is a misogamist and she punched that skinny girl when she was resting in Chewy's bed. Chewy was also with a girl named Jessi and Portia punched her out as well because she only wants Chewy for herself. She won't let Chewy be his own person---maybe because of his low IQ. However Portia can't have Chewy because Chewy thinks she is ugly. Chewy actually tells her she has a Wayne Gretzky nose and a nasal congested voice when he's really fed up with her. He also says she has a blank facial expression and that her hair color looks artificial. Chewy wants her to be more like Emo. Chewy wants her to have this radiating sexiness of Emo. Portia still loves Chewy because she's only willing to see him the way she wants to see him. She does his laundry, folds his boxers, and cooks for him. She makes his bed, takes care of his dad, and rubs his itch cream on him every night. Chewy takes Portia's offerings for granted. Portia massaged me when I wasn't feeling well. She put on this oil on my body that made me smell like fruit punch. Then she offered the same thing for Chewy, but he didn't want it. He'd rather go shopping with Emo and he made that point rudely. He would love a massage from Emo though. By the way, prehistoric as whole is Emo.

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