Thoughts that don't make much sense

What am I missing? Yes, I know I sound like a plain old idiot, questioning myself that way, but once again I must ask myself that question. Aside from material crud, because deep inside, I do feel that they are the key to all misery, there is something else I am always in need of. Initially, what I am missing is some time to spend alone and expand on what I do best.

Now here's the hard part to the age old question. Lately, I haven't felt much like myself. For one thing, I hardly locked myself up to write an article. Big deal, right? Well, if it helps, let me tell you that I really think I have a blocked mind that is so biased and temperamental unless I am in a good-natured mood and that only comes on rare occasions when I've had a good conversation (rare). If I haven't received a sort of cleansing of mind, I am, to no surprise, rather a whiny bore. A real close-minded sarcastic bore, which is flat out pitiable sometimes it hurts. Most people know me as that bore and those who know me that way will only perceive me that way.

Now here is an absorbing question. How do you think people see you? Probably not the way you really are, or maybe just not the way you think you are. I was obviously wrong in the way I viewed myself. I for one can't stand listening to my talking voice. It is so annoying, loose, and dense sounding. However, I never even realized I sounded this way until I fiddled with a tape recorder and heard myself speaking. The moral is not to tell everyone to tape themselves and find out what you hate. It is that I hardly knew myself and was rather blinded by some lie (in this case, avoidance from reality). In fact, I sounded like a total idiot moron and I couldn't even recognize myself. It was not at all the way I wanted to sound or hear myself sound.

If it wasn't for singing, I'd really hate my voice. However, I keep replaying a tape of myself singing some song and the more I hear it, the more it sounds like crap. Anyway, maybe it is not that people see us falsely, but that we really don't know ourselves well enough. However, I kind of trust my instincts better and at times know when someone's really got me wrong.

I can't be around people who are sarcastic because I am already too sarcastic. Conversations go nowhere and people can assume a lot about you when that happens. Alright, so I guess people miss out a lot about me, not that I have a whole lot to offer. If I did, I would not be toiling to fill a lame page. Although, that is the result of a lack of thinking, a fast paced redundant life that everyone has, and a lack of talent, I could always try harder. I could always lock myself in my room once more. Anyway, people who assume usually miss out a lot in other people.

Getting ahead is another thing. There's a lot of work to be done in life since everything is not cured by medicine and things can't be chosen for you through, shall I say, 'soma.' At times I wish it could be that way because positive effects through medication are so remarkable, you always end up wanting to kick yourself in the head for not trying it before and end up wondering how much better off you could have been if you had taken it before. The remarkable physical effects make me feel this way even more.

However, there isn't a medicine for all of the petty troubles. Life gets pretty sad when medication wears off and you feel yourself returning and outdoing the medication with the same old list of problems. It is hard to get ahead when you have a list of problems. It is simply you again, and what a bore that may be. Well, then again life may as well just be morose. I don't want to go off on a lecture about life, but there is this gloom about it like a shade and when everything is very cloudy, it is hard to get out of it. You can't get out of it because you can't defeat it.

In front of others, it is the same deal over and over. For me it is the same old jerk that keeps me from achieving things. You can't change, but you can be yourself even though it is just a thick haze that separates us from good and you can't get out of because it will stay to punish you for years and years. Once again, maybe the haze is just how people perceive you; a misconception. Maybe that appears when someone gets you wrong.

Nonetheless, what I know is that I've missed out on getting ahead when I needed to. That is what I really missed out on and the enemy is myself. Nothing can defeat it. Not people, because when around them, there is a game and in that game, all I can be is a puppet.

In a different environment, you can play along with a good attitude or not play along at all. Either way, back home, it is you again. It is the same body, face, voice, same endless wants and needs, and the same materials that bring out the beast in us.

In music, what have I got to lose when I play it all alone? Even though, music is a social thing, I only truly enjoy playing music when I am alone since with people, it is never an outlet for me. Instead of being an outlet, it is just another burden from the truth and what I really need. Stupid, but it's true. Similar to material goods, which do no more than evade from the truth.

I admit, in music, and when working and dealing with people, it is never an honest outlet because I don't allow it to be one. Instead, I save and save, complain, or sing a song I don't really want to sing, in preparation for something better, which in truth will never come if I keep building up and never aiming at the target. Maybe it is a lack of ego I am suffering from.

A persistent desire always keeps me going though. In self destruction, you can destroy till you die and never find a way to defeat yourself. You can destroy your body completely, all caught up in desolation, wrath, and extreme hopelessness. Although death can occur by accident, and arouse attention that was once desired, in destructive behavior, I always felt aware of what I was doing. Aware in a sense that I had alternatives to kill myself. Although I was conscious for the wrong reasons, it kept me alive. I was conscious about seeing tomorrow and letting a day slide for tomorrow. I was extremely concerned about surviving for tomorrow and staying to get my work done.

However, I suppressed my life for many years, engaging in this type of activity. I can't stop thinking about what I missed out on during those years and what I could have done. I missed out on an entire world and wasted time on something I'd later have to go back and fix. I wasted time and missed out on growing up, moving on, and being a person for once. I couldn't defeat myself and the worst part is that I am still aware, but unable to do a single thing about it. Sucks to be dumb.


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