Click here to return to the Main Quotes Page

Quotes from "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Alamo"
Written by Christy Stratton
Directed by Brian Sheesley

MRS. ASHMORE: We are now finished with the American history portion of our class. So today we begin our unit on Texas history.

NANCY (reading her mail): Listen to this: "Because of your inaccurate forecasts, my wedding was ruined, you ass."
PEGGY: Oh, my God, look at that picture -- she is dripping wet.
NANCY: This, sug, is the ugly side of meteorology. It isn't all free makeup samples and riding a convertible in the Arlen Day parade.

PEGGY: That is Flat Stanley. Teachers have their students send him to faraway places. Then you take a picture of him, send it back, and the kids learn about geography.
NANCY: What do these people want from me? I am not God!

HANK: I defy anyone to sit through that class without becoming a man of courage and conviction.
BILL: I truly believe that if I hadn't taken Texas history, I'd be dead by my own hand.

PEGGY: This is the perfect place to take a picture of Flat Stanley. More frozen poultry passes through this loading dock than any other in Heimlich County. It is like the Ellis Island for dead chickens.
LUANNE: Aunt Peggy, I have a Flat Stanley question: why is he flat?
PEGGY: Exactly, Luanne. And if you asked that question, how many other eight year-olds who sent a Stanley asked the same thing? Why is Flat Stanley flat? Because he wasn't careful and got tragically and painfully flattened!

PEGGY: I will call this one "Look Both Ways Before Dying."

(From Bobby's Texas history textbook):
- "The Planting of the First Pointsettias"
- "The Introduction of the Accordion"
- "The First Taco Bell"

PEGGY: Firearm safety is one of the most important issues facing our children today.
LUANNE: Wouldn't it be easier to just have the children not shoot guns?
PEGGY: Snap out of your dream world, Luanne.

MS. KENT: The fact is, some things just have to go. Our lawyers are very concerned about the weight of books.
MR. CHARPING: Did you know how long it takes a 60-pound kid with a 20-pound backpack to destroy his back? 2.5 years. We actually use that question in our new math books.
HANK: But the Texas Revolution! How could you not include that?
MR. CHARPING: It was making a lot of people uncomfortable.
HANK: Who?
MR. CHARPING: Lawyers, mostly.

HANK: L.B.J. would make a great movie. And in this textbook, all they've got is a picture of him lifting his dog by the ears. And that's for a unit on "Active Seniors."

HANK: What kind of pie says "heroism?"
BRUCE: Strawberry.
HANK: Of course!

PEGGY: Just try and do some extra credit. I have students hold doors for me.

BOBBY: Re-enactment? Hey, that could be my extra credit. Can I be in it?
HANK: Well, Bruce did say a lot of the soldiers at the Alamo were teenagers. I bet he could use someone like you to keep it authentic.
BOBBY: That's my specialty -- keepin' it real.
HANK: Authentic, Bobby. Authentic.

BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, you can count me in, man, I'll bring my dang ol' Bowie knife, talkin' 'bout "Victory or death."

JIM BOWIE: Don't go lookin' for your opium, Davey. Travis smoked it all up.
WILLIAM B. TRAVIS: I gave half to the prostitutes.

BRUCE: How do you know that when the pressures became too great, William B. Travis didn't try to find comfort and safety in a frilly calico dress?
HANK: That's it. I'm gonna kick your ass. Then I'm gonna re-enact kicking your ass.

SHARLA: If Bruce is ever going to get recognized by the people that matter, he needs to show them he's got a new perspective.
BRUCE: I think Oliver Stone and his Oscars would agree with her.

DALE: Damn revisionists. Why don't they ever make history better? Where we live in Antarctica and worship the Golden Penguin? That would be great.

DALE: This'll shut Tuttle up. They're trapped inside there, just like the Alamo volunteers. And we're out here, ready to take care of business, like General Santa Ana! (beat) It's not like we're actually killing people. Just ideas.

BILL: I feel the fun slowing down.

DAVEY CROCKETT: If this siege continues, I may have to surrender sober.

HANK: It's called Six Flags over Texas because Texas was governed by six sovereign nations. There's Texas, America, Mexico, France... I don't know how France got in there...

Click here to return to the Main Quotes Page