Quotes from "High Anxiety"
Written by Alan Cohen & Alan Freedland
Directed by Adam Kuhlman
HANK: Oh, no, my eyes are going bloodshot! I'm going on a trip! I look like I'm doped out of my gourd!
SHERIFF MUMFORD: Oh, who in the hell called in the Texas Rangers?
RANGER PAYTON: A Mrs. Peggy Hill, restauranteur.
PEGGY: I love your show! I love that Walker!
HANK: I'm talking to myself. That's a side effect of the marijuana poisoning.
HANK: You don't think the police will want to run a drug test on Debbie's co-workers, do you?
DALE: Now that you mention it, I am positive they will. They'll drug-test everyone in Arlen. The price for a bag of clean urine will double.
BILL: What do you think will happen to the price of poo-poo?
SHERIFF MUMFORD: I spent the day gathering evidence at the Casa Linda singles complex, and I thought you might want to know that you are now a suspect...
HANK: Oh, no!
SHERIFF MUMFORD: ...in the murder of Debbie Grund.
HANK (relieved): Oh, that.
HANK: So someone could take dope, black out in a field, and kill a co-worker?
COUNSELOR: Co-worker, cabdriver, prostitute. Doesn't matter who.
HANK: I want you to promise me you will never, ever do drugs, Bobby.
BOBBY: I promise.
HANK: A promise means nothing when a junkie tricks you into smoking a joint which you think is a cigarette, which you shouldn't smoke either. Now promise me! Promise me, Bobby!
BOBBY: Okay, okay, I promise.
HANK: Promises mean nothing.
BOBBY: Look, Dad, I'm never gonna use drugs, because drugs are for losers, and I'd never want to disappoint you. Plus I want to be the first chubby comic to live past thirty-five.
KAHN: Hey, Charlie Manson! Could you autograph this Sugarfoot's napkin I pull out of dumpster? If you murderer, I auction it on Ebay for big bucks!
SHERIFF MUMFORD: Leaving the get in/get out so soon, Payton? I'm sure there's some candy bars you haven't questioned yet. Why don't you take them Three Musketeers into separate rooms, maybe one of 'em'll crack.
RANGER PAYTON: That's a good one, Sheriff. How'd Hee Haw ever let you get away?
SHERIFF MUMFORD: Debbie's roommate has an interesting alibi for the night of the murder. Says he was with you, sparking up a J.
PEGGY: In English, please?
SHERIFF MUMFORD: Lighting up a J.
PEGGY (gasps): He said that? Well, now you have a second crime to investigate, Sheriff: the attempted assassination of my husband's character.
BOBBY: How dare you? My dad would never use drugs. I said good day, Sheriff!
PEGGY (watching Gayle getting arrested on TV): Come on, show Peggy's Sugarfoot's in the background... show Peggy's Sugarfoot's in the background... show Peggy's Sugarfoot's in the background... YES!!!
HANK: Gayle did not kill Debbie. And I know that because at the time of the murder, he was with me. We were in Debbie's apartment, and like he said, we were smoking pot.
(General consternation.) PEGGY: Who are you, Hank Hill!?
MR. STRICKLAND: Sorry about that whole frame-up there, Old Top, but I was under a lot of stress.
HANK: Uh... yeah, okay. I guess if my mistress had been murdered and my wife was a suspect... uh... yeah.
BOBBY: You know, if I did something like this, you'd punish me. Maybe I should punish you.
HANK: Okay, son. What's my punishment? Am I grounded?
BOBBY: That's too easy. You cannot mow the lawn for one week.
HANK: Aw, come on, son. It was an accident.
BOBBY: You want to go for two?