Quotes from "Not in my Back Hoe"
Written by Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Shaun Cashman
DALE: I am the hoe-master! Hear me hoe!
DALE: Hank, you were right about it being complicated but wrong to make me want to try it so badly.
HANK: No, that's a straight pipe. I'm looking for an L pipe.
CLERK: "l"s are straight.
HANK: Lower-case, maybe, but... fine, I'm looking for a capital L pipe. It bends at a right angle.
CLERK: Pipes don't bend. All pipes are straight.
HANK: All pipes can't be straight! If they were, your department store wouldn't be selling those U pipes right behind your shoulder!
CLERK: Those aren't pipes.
LUANNE: ...And then my professor said to me that I have the greatest potential of any Junior College student he's ever seen. And then he asked me to dinner so we could talk about it some more! And drinks!
PEGGY: Dinner? And drinks? Luanne -- honey, I'm so proud of you!
PEGGY: What are you smiling about?
HANK: Oh, well, I met a guy.
HANK: Yeah, at the Mega Lo Mart. We have the same truck, same year, same color. Smart guy, too, he knew what an L pipe was for. It was nice.
PEGGY: Are you going to see him again?
HANK: Oh, I don't know. You know, just a one-time thing with a guy in a parking lot. You know, that's all.
HAL: You can just use a metal detector to trace the pipes back to your tank.
DALE: Ha! Metal detector? The detector would go off constantly due to the high level of extraterrestrial alloy in our soil, which acts as a homing beacon to the Martian capital of (gurgle) (smack) (click) (gulp) City.
BOOMHAUER: Man, this is dang ol' pathetic, man... I got better things to do... talkin' 'bout ol' Jenny-Cam, man... she should be gettin' in the shower right about now.
DALE: You said you'd be back in a minute. We waited a minute. Then we waited another.
BILL: Then after about a million minutes, I forgot why I was counting.
DALE (into a tape recorder): 10:15, Hank picks up Hal.
(Dale rewinds the tape and plays it back.) DALE (on the tape): 10:15, Hank picks up Hal.
BILL (on the tape): What?
DALE: I said, "10:15, Hank picks up Hal!"
HANK: You sure you never worked in propane?
HAL: Hobby, that's all.
DALE: You're lucky you're in the army. You've got a tracking device in your teeth. They'll find you.
PEGGY: It is spa-Peggy and meatballs night!
HANK: So, uh, got any big dates?
BOOMHAUER: Man, leave me alone, man, stop talkin' with those dang ol' questions, questions, questions, you're blabbin' like my dang ol' mother, man, goin' "Boomhauer, when're you gonna get married, when're you gonna make me a grandmother," man.
DALE: An exterminator in a pet cemetary! I have many enemies here.
HANK: I'm gonna miss that crazy bastard.
DALE: We invested all that time, and effort maybe, in Hank, and he has forsaken us!
BILL: Well, everything forsakes me. Sometimes I think I should just stop putting myself out there.
DALE: We don't need Hank. We are two beta males at the top of our game!
BILL: And you didn't mention that we're lovable, and that I've got a lot of love to give.
DALE: I know!
BOBBY (shining Hank's shoes): How's the market been treating you, sir? I took a pretty heavy hit today. I got worries.
KAHN: They missing? Hey, Minh, two down, two to go!
HANK: You guys are something Hal'll never be: My neighbors.