"Now Bill has no purpose in the army either."

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Hank's Bad Hair Day"

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Quotes from "Hank's Bad Hair Day"
Written by Jon Vitti
Directed by Gary McCarver

JACK: So what'll it be? The Roger Staubach or the Rookie Roger Staubach?

BILL: Hey, Hank, what'd you do to your hair?
HANK: Oh, it's a nightmare, isn't it?
BILL: Oh my, yes. He feathered in the back where he usually tapers. I find it unsubtle, but it's a way to go. Used to see it more: Claude Akins, Ross Martin, Robert Stack, James McArthur on the third season of 5-0...

YOUNG HANK (getting a haircut from Cotton): I think you cut my ear.
COTTON: I think you cry more than the guy I killed out from under that helmet!

JACK: I'm going out of business. I can't deal with the jackasses any more. You were one of the good ones, Hank. But your son's a jackass.

BILL: Hank, I never cut civilian hair, but I've been looking at your head a long time.
HANK: Don't do this, Bill. Believe me, it's not easy being my barber.
BILL: I know that! You've got those big thick neck muscles that knot up when you're tense, leaving that deep, deep valley, and then the northern ridge runs almost transverse to the crown. Worry about those too much and you hit that scar over your left ear. Seems like there's a story there, but you never shared it with me, but that's okay, 'cause you might think I'm a gossip, and I probably am, but how the hell would you know if I'm not a good barber?
PEGGY: He's the same way with me.
BILL: You're an amateur, Peggy!

LIEUTENANT: I wish this bill were a mistake, Mr. Hill, but that is how much it costs the Army to give someone a haircut. We spend $80,000 for each military-grade barber chair. The French make a barber chair that costs $110,000. It's a damn good chair, but I'm not gonna spend $110,000 for a barber chair.
HANK: Wasting all that money is like buying a haircut for Saddam Hussein. And I hate Saddam Hussein! I like his haircut, but that's it.
LIEUTENANT: Look, I know the chair's too much at $80,000, but then they give us a B-2 bomber for 1.3 billion. That's where we make it up. (beat) Well, you try getting a B-2 bomber for 1.3 billion. You can't do it.

DALE: Even Bill Clinton only spends $300 on his haircuts, and for that he gets the haircut plus a high-colonic administered by Barbra Streisand.
BILL: Well, I guess I should have offered.

BILL: Hank, you can't fight the Army without declaring war.
DALE: Maybe if you had the Marines on your side.
BILL: M-hm, they're better than us.

HANK (reading the reply from his Congressman): "Representative Jim Powell thinks your problem and flag-burning are among the biggest problems facing America today. That's why Jim Powell has introduced House Resolution number 11461. It would ban flag-burning in all..." Aw, he never even read it. I'd go see him in person, but no self-respecting bus company would let me on with hair like this.

HANK: Oh, God, I need a hair net!

BILL: I hear they're wearing it short in Guantanamo this summer. It's the Ricky Martin influence.

CAPTAIN: This base is disbanding the barber unit. They think we're inefficient. A petition to reinstate has been filed, but that could take twenty years.

DALE: You eliminated Bill! Bill-iminator!
HANK: What??
DALE: The army eliminated the Sergeant barbers. Now Bill has no purpose in the army either!

HANK: I'm out of the Strickland Propane Christmas card.
PEGGY: Because of your hair? But Christmas is eight months away!
HANK: Well, Mr. Strickland wants an elf in the picture, and the Arlen midget spends his winters in Florida.

CAPTAIN: Okay, who here knows how to cut hair?
GAY SOLDIER: Don't answer! It's a trick!

CAPTAIN: Dauterive, your records have been doctored to show you as a master electrician with a security clearance for pinball repair. But your actual mission is to stand at this privately-donated chair -- which does not exist, do you understand me? -- and do the only thing you're good at.
BILL: But sir, what if somebody sees?
CAPTAIN: Don't ask, don't tell. That policy's gotta work for something.


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