"I'm royally danged!"

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Bobby Slam"

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Quotes from "Bobby Slam"
Written by Gina Fattore
Directed by Chris Moeller

PEGGY: I told her you were busy "wrestling" with some word problems. (laughs) Oh, Peggy!

DOUG: Why choose basketball? Well, for one thing, it's the only sport where you get to bounce a ball. Bounce a football -- that's a fumble, isn't it? Baseball -- no bouncing at all. Bounce a ball in hockey -- that's a mandatory drug test right there. So join the basketball team. Thank you.

PEGGY: We are offering you girls a special program that combines the thrills of wrestling with the skills of basketball, in something we call "General Sports."

BOBBY: Dad, guess what? I joined a team!
HANK: A sports team?
BOBBY: Uh-huh. Wrestling. It's the best sport ever, Dad! There's no running!
HANK: Way to go, boy! Wrestling's a damn fine sport. Hell, it's an Olympic sport! And this is offered through the school, isn't it? Not some guy in a van with a camcorder?

DOOLEY (waiting outside the principal's office with Peggy): What are you here for?
PEGGY: Well, Dooley, a pre-teen girl is like a skinny little tree about to enter the hurricane of adolescence. And if we don't protect and nurture this little tree, before you know it she'll be bitter and pregnant. For that reason, I'm asking the principal for a new basketball for the girls.
DOOLEY: I peed in some kid's locker.

PEGGY: Hank, what if Bobby was a girl?
HANK: Well, that's just it, Peggy, I don't think we have to worry about that anymore.

BOBBY: You didn't use real wrestling. If you use real wrestling, it's impossible to get out of that hold.

CONNIE: Maybe sports wasn't such a good idea. Maybe I should do yearbook instead, or chess club.
PEGGY: Connie, don't you say that. Yearbook is a shameful, squalid waste of time.

PEGGY: Title IX of the Civil Rights Act clearly prohibits sex discrimination in public schools, and guarantees equal athletic opportunities for all boys and girls.
COACH: Yeah, well, Roe vs. Wade doesn't apply to my wrestling team.

CONNIE: Dad, maybe being on the wrestling team can help me get into Harvard. Remember how disappointed you were with my application essay? You said my first draft lacked life experience.
MINH: She right. Connie play violin, sculpt with metal and speak three languages, but what set her apart?
KAHN: I thought being smart person in Texas set her apart.

KAHN: If my girl doesn't wrestle, I'll show you who put the sue in Souphanousinphone!

COACH: This all goes back to Title IX, Dick Nixon's biggest mistake.

HANK: It's all well and good to talk about equal rights until some man loses his job. How is that equal?
BOBBY: Yeah, and it's worse when they take away our favors, 'cause we're used to getting them.
BILL: Now hold on, Hank, I'm all for ladies wrestling, except when they do it in pudding. That's just demeaning to the human beings who make pudding.
DALE: Ever since they held that big women's conference in Beijing, co-ed sports has been the number-two priority on the international feminite agenda. Want to know what the number-one priority is? Co-ed bathrooms. It'll be a cold day in hell before we institute that in the Gribble home.

HANK: I thought you were busy teaching girls to blow up basketballs. When did this turn into a desire to ruin wrestling?
PEGGY: Oh, give me a break. I don't see how having a girl on the team would ruin it. Did a woman judge ruin the Supreme Court?
HANK: Yes, and that woman's name was Earl Warren.

PEGGY: Connie is picking up the bat that was ripped out of my hands as a little girl by that little man from the Little League. But Bobby -- Bobby's my only son. I don't know if I can choose.
MINH: Choose Connie.
PEGGY: But Bobby's my only --
MINH: That not my problem. Choose Connie.
PEGGY: Oh, what do I do? What do I do?
MINH: Choose Connie. Choose Connie.

DALE: Wrestling a girl. That's a tough one, Bobby. If you win, you get the shame of having beat up a girl. If you lose, you just better hope she snaps your neck. That's the quickest way.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout you're danged if you do, danged if you don't, man.
BOBBY: Dad, what am I gonna do? I'm danged here, I'm royally danged!

CONNIE: Can we please just forget I ever said anything about this stupid wrestling thing?
KAHN: What? No! I go out on giant limb for you, Kahn Jr.! You lose, you no longer my son!

PEGGY: Luanne! Quarters!!!

PEGGY: I'm sorry, little Jeffrey.
LUANNE: That's Bobby.
PEGGY: Oh, yeah. I wanted to call him Jeffrey, but some man wouldn't let me.
LUANNE: You mean Uncle Hank?

KAHN: Mom capture everything on video camera, include in Harvard application.
CONNIE: Dad, I'm not even in high school yet.
KAHN: And you never get there with that attitude.

HANK: Son, I know everyone's been filling your head with crazy stuff, but I just want you to know this: Connie killed your frog.

COACH: That's not Olympic-style wrestling.
CLARK: Nope. That's real wrestling.

CONNIE: I wanna go to a party school! Yeah! Chico State!

HANK: Look at him explode! That's my boy!
PEGGY: That's our boy. That's our Jeffrey.

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