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Quotes from "Father of the Bribe"
Written by Dean Young
Directed by Cyndi Tang-Loveland

Sign outside Tom Landry Middle School:
T.L.M.S.
48 days without a dress code violation

TEACHER: Hey, you two! You know the school policy: no violence -- no affection.

DALE: I got a pirate radio set at the swap meet, so I will bring to this neighborhood a non-stop talk alternative. A constant barrage of eye-opening conspiracies and ad-libbed innuendi. Too bad there's only twenty-four hours in a day -- or is there? Tune in to 84.372 and find out!

CONNIE: Bobby, you'd better go. If my dad catches you here, he'll make me play that song he wrote about you.
BOBBY: "Fat White Lump" is about me?

DALE: ...A nefarious government plot to store our nation's silver supply in our mouths! Children, I implore you, rip out your fillings! This is 24-hour Gribble Talk, serving the entire tri-house area.

MINH: You can't just order her to break up with him, Kahn. Teenagers very rebellious. Big reason I started dating you was to rebel against Papa.
KAHN: I thought the General liked me.
MINH: No, he never think you're good enough. For my sister, maybe, but not me.

CONNIE: Mom! Dad! Bobby broke up with me!
KAHN: Wow. You have taught me the meaning of total surprise.
CONNIE: He said he liked me, but he wasn't in like with me.

DALE: After 60 hours on the air, I must apologize, people: that last caller was not the real Spiro Agnew, although he did make some cogent points. This is live talk radio, people, working without a net. All right, our next caller, from nearby McMaynerbury -- must be a windy day -- and this is quite an honor: former Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev.

HANK (reading Bobby's report card): C. C plus. Two B minues. You really did it, son. You set realistic goals and you reached them. Way to go.
PEGGY: With grades like that, you could become Governor and then President someday.

KAHN: Connie don't need help. She perfect. That's why we love her.

PEGGY: Hank, I am not on trial here. Kahn and Minh are, and possibly Bobby and Connie, but not me.

KAHN: All we ever want is for you to be happy.
MINH: That's why we push you so hard.
KAHN: And now you're not happy without Bobby Hill.
MINH: So we push you right back together with him.

KAHN: I always have very strong feelings about Hill family. Now those feelings are of love.

DALE: Let's see... I told you about the sperm-count-lowering soft drinks... I told you about Supercuts cataloguing DNA... I'm running dry here, people... oh! Is there any concrete evidence that Hawaii actually exists? No, I covered that.

PEGGY: I don't know if all parents are biased when they see their kids kiss other kids, but Bobby really is the better kisser.

BOBBY: My God, what happened to the Mrs. I.P. Daley I checked into the Jolly Roger with?
CONNIE: She doesn't want to pick a medical school based on what clown college you get into!

DALE: Well, folks, earlier I made some comments that were deemed insensitive by one of my key sponsors, Dale's Dead-Bug, who has pulled all his ads. Coward. And I can't drum up any new sales because I'm stuck behind this bleeping microphone 24 hours a day. So I have been forced to sell the station to Mexican interests. Viva la revolution! Octavio.
OCTAVIO: Buenas dias, amigos! Presentamos el Rey de la Polka, Paco Jimenez.

BOBBY: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I've never broken up with anybody before.
HANK: Well, I've only been with your mother, and we never broke up. But I have had to fire people at Strickland Propane. You gotta be honest. Tell them that they didn't meet your expectations, and give them a good recommendation.

BOBBY: You've been a valuable part of the organization for two years now, and --
CONNIE: Are you firing me?

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