"It just makes absolute, total, complete, perfect sense!!"

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Dale to the Chief"

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Quotes from "Dale to the Chief"
Written by Garland Testa
Directed by Anthony Lioi

DALE: I'll tell you why your license is taking so long: the U.S. Postal Service is bogged down in the most elaborate sci-ops campaign in history. First they fatten us up with all those 2-for-1 pizza coupons, then when we're too logy to put up a fight, they sell us off to the Red Cross, who removes our kidneys, which go back on the pizzas to start the process all over again.

JOSEPH: I had the scariest dream!
DALE: Oh. How about I read you a story? Just like I used to before you grew a mustache and became so frightening.

DALE: But that makes sense. It can't make sense. It's the Warren Commission Report, for God's sake!

BOOMHAUER: How could you not dang ol' know, man? Everybody knows it's dang ol' West.
DALE: I didn't have a compass when I was reading the freaking book, Boomhauer! Which direction are you facing now? Huh? Not so easy, is it, Magellan?

DPS EMPLOYEE: Now if you'll just step aside, Ma'am --
HANK: Ma'am?!
DPS EMPLOYEE: I can't get sued if I call you what's on the license.

DALE: It just makes absolute, total, complete, perfect sense!!

HANK: The DPS said they couldn't do it because of national security. What does the contents of my underpants have to do with national security?

You're a grand old flag,
You're a something something flag,
And forever in peace may you wave,
You're the emblem blah
The land blah blah...

DALE: Give me liberty or give me death! But only the kind of liberty you find in a controlled, well-regulated society.

BOBBY: Dad, I was just thinking: if you really were a woman, then that would make you and Mom lesbians.
HANK: That's it! The cable's gone!
PEGGY: He's right, Hank. We wouldn't even be married, we'd be domestic partners. We overcame years of scrutiny in a small but meaningful ceremony.

HANK: This DPS is really amazing. I didn't know it was possible to feel ignored and violated at the same time.

BILL: You really think Hank's a woman? Not just your ideal of what a perfect woman would be?

DALE: You tell me what's crazier: that the government's free cheese contains surveillance devices to monitor America's underclass, as I once believed, or that you're a woman, as I now believe? If my government says you're a woman, I say, "enchante, madame." (Dale tries to kiss Hank's hand. Hank slaps his face.) Whoa. I think you've had enough to drink, sweetheart.

HANK: I got this form from the DPS. I just need you to say that I'm a man.
DOCTOR: I'm not signing a paper that "just says" anything. Those days went out with house calls.
HANK: But I'm clearly a man.
DOCTOR: Look, I am willing to do a blood test and a genetic screening. That is proof positive, and not actionable.
HANK: Can't you just do a visual exam?
DOCTOR: Gender is not as cut-and-dried as it used to be, Mr. Hill. Even if you have male organs, there's transsexual hormone therapy, plastic surgery...
HANK: Can't you tell the difference between the ones made by God and the ones jerry-rigged out of a toe and some old skin?
DOCTOR: Legally, no.

PEGGY: These back issues of Rosie are just fabulous.

PEGGY: My hairstylist was telling me that I am a lipstick lesbian. Apparently, that's the best kind.

DALE: Whoa. A black Suburban. The new models are much smaller and greener than last year's.

FBI AGENT: It's illegal for us to "profile" anyone, but I know what I'm looking for -- not that I'm looking for anyone -- and you're not it.
HANK: Yeah, but who made you think I was?
FBI AGENT: I can't say. Could be nobody, could be somebody. Like I said, I can't say. (Bobby enters wearing a cape and eating a fruit pie) Probably not him.

DALE: Everyone will see Hank Hill for what he truly is: an America-hating he/she!

DALE: Listen! I've never been able to say this in my whole life, but as of 2 p.m. yesterday, I am a taxpayer. And I demand $36 worth of service. I know the chain of command, starting with your supervisor, Franklin Thomas, all the way up to the under-intendent of Transportation, Edward Dibble, whose daughters, Pat and Ellie, played ladybug soccer with the daughters of the President of the United States. And I'm not afraid to make some phone calls. I'm your worst nightmare. I have a three-line phone, and absolutely nothing at all to do with my time!

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