"I'd rather be on a losing football team than a winning soccer team."

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Three Coaches and a Bobby"

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Quotes from "Three Coaches and a Bobby"
Written by Johnny Hardwick
Directed by Chris Moeller

HANK: Bobby looks pretty good in that uniform.
BILL: Yep.
DALE: Yep.
HANK: Think the Cougars have a chance this year?
DALE: Nope.

HANK: Boys, the Welton Wolves have already left their mark on this bridge. Now, what does a cougar do when a wolf comes into his neck of the woods?
BOBBY: Beats him in football?
HANK: Yeah, that's where I was gonna end up.

COACH SAUERS: You get us to State and I guarantee I'll kiss each and every one of you little pansies right on the mouth!

HANK: Settle down, Bobby. That's the kind of attitude that drove Mark Gastineau into boxing.

DALE: Wingo, interception, Joseph! That's our boy, a real all-American. Arlen's native son.

DALE: That's a Gribble of an idea, Bill!

COACH SAUERS: Boomhauer! How are your folks?
BOOMHAUER: Man, they're doin' fine, man... down in Florida... dang ol' lottery winner... no problems, man.
COACH SAUERS: I'm sorry to hear that.

COACH SAUERS: Up to now you men have been losing. But now you're gonna be winning. 'Cause I'm gonna ride you Dainty Joes so hard you'll wish you were all dead! I'm gonna chew you up, spit you out, take a big dump on top of that, and then I'm gonna get tough!

COACH SAUERS: Eat mud! I said eat it! Eat it!
BOBBY: Coach, I think I swallowed too much mud.
COACH SAUERS: Take a salt tablet.

HANK: Bobby, I never thought I'd need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.
BOBBY: Why do you have to hate what you don't understand?
HANK: I don't hate you, Bobby.
BOBBY: I meant soccer.
HANK: Oh. Oh, yeah, I hate soccer. Yes.

COACH SAUERS: Okay, Louisa May, go play your ballerina ball. Just leave your penis in the bucket.

PEGGY: If the other mothers do not like me for the wit and wisdom that is Peggy Hill, then I want nothing to do with them.
MINH: Ay yai! You not get it. You soccer mom now. If you not fit in, then Bobby not fit in. And that boy have enough problems.
PEGGY: How do you know so much about this?
MINH: Connie play AYSO in Orange County. That's the birthplace of soccer moms. I start the whole sweater thing. That's mine.

COACH LUCAS: Bobby's our best high kicker. Careful, don't let the Rockettes find out about him.
BOBBY: The Rockettes? Me?

JOSEPH: Coach Sauers, I think there's something wrong with my helmet.
COACH SAUERS: Then do the helmet test. Put on the helmet and run into that brick wall.
JOSEPH: Yeah, right! And end up with headaches like my mom?

COACH SAUERS: You little pantywads think you're ready to play the Wolves again? The Wolves eat razor blades for breakfast! Run, you bunch of fuzzy-butted softies! Run, with your fancy sneakers with the bumps and valves and little lights in the back that can set off a seizure, but what do you care? I ran around the world in a pair of Jock Taylors, for the love of Pete!

SOCCER MOM # 1: I know it's bigger than the other SUVs, but it makes me feel safe. I mean, if I have an accident in that thing, I'm going to live.
SOCCER MOM # 2: Well, for me, it's all about convenience. Mine's got everything from headlight wipers to heated seats.
PEGGY: Oh, yes, that is a must, isn't it? My butt is always either warmed by my car seat or covered by my sweater. I have to keep it at optimum temperature or I could die from mild discomfort. And you know what else would make me die? If by mistake I paid so much attention to my child's game that I maybe raised my voice. Oh, I would just die! Or if I got stuck with a bunch of losers who could not recognize a dead-on Fat Albert impression, well, I would just die a thousand deaths. You know what? I have got a football game to watch.

BOBBY: Come on, y'all, we were all Cougars once. We're getting our butts kicked over there. I for one have had enough of this dang lawyer-ball. Haven't you?

BOBBY: I'd rather be on a losing football team than a winning soccer team any day.

HANK: That was good strategy, bringing Joseph back. Stick with it and you could make a good coach someday.
BOBBY: I'd still want to wear my uniform.
HANK: Uh, yeah, okay.
BOBBY: And a cape.

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