"Everything that man touches turns to Bill."

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "I'm With Cupid"

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Quotes from "I'm With Cupid"
Written by John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky
Directed by Allan Jacobsen

JOSEPH: Today's the Valentine's Day flower sale. If a girl likes you, she buys you a carnation. It's just a scam perpetrated by the floral-industrial complex. Right, Dad?
DALE: That's right, Joseph. But still, you don't want to look like some flowerless loser.

(Dooley sees Joseph pinning a flower back on Bobby's shirt)
DOOLEY: That took courage.

BILL: Don't feel sorry for me. Being alone isn't all bad. You don't have to dress to impress. That eats up a lot of time, which I fill with sleeping, because being awake is too depressing.

BOBBY: I don't think those girls were playing a trick on me. I mean, they were giggling a lot, but that's because I'm funny, right?
BILL: Stop right there. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out all the reasons why women are laughing at you.

(Bobby and Bill watch a videotape of Bill's wedding.)
BOBBY: My God, what happened to you?
BILL: Yeah, I looked pretty good back then, didn't I? 'Course, that was before Lenore started cheating on me. Two weeks before.
BOBBY: But you can meet someone else. Like on the Internet. You could use your old picture.
BILL: No. What are the odds of me finding another beautiful woman passed out in my lap at a Molly Hatchet concert?
BOBBY: What about me? You think another pretty Asian girl is gonna move in next door?
BILL: Nope. You get one chance at love, and if you screw that up, you're gonna be alone forever.

PEGGY: The only thing you need to know about Bill Dauterive is to stay away from him. Everything that man touches turns to... Bill.

BOBBY: I can't believe I let Connie get away. If she would just love me again, I would build her a beautiful cage and never let her out.

CONNIE: Would you be willing to sign a petition to change our school's name from "Tom Landry Middle School" to "Tom Landry Learning Space?"

CONNIE: We're just friends.
BOBBY: Pumpkin, don't use the f-word on me. Not me. This is your cuddlemonster talkin'.

BOBBY: Connie, don't hang up on me! I've got your favorite chocolates right here! Assorted! The ones you love so much! Why can't you love me the way you love these assorted chocolates? (He spreads chocolate on his chest in the shape of a heart) I'm sweet on you, Connie! Connie, I'm your little candyman!

DOOLEY: You shot her in the eye.

PEGGY: Teach him, Hank. Teach him how to pitch woo.
HANK: I don't know how to do that. What did I do with you?
PEGGY: Nothing. I did it all. As always.

BOOMHAUER: Hey, no worries, li'l B, gonna get you back on track... talkin' 'bout secrets, dad-gum strong enough for a man but made for a woman.

BOOMHAUER: Dad-gum take a solemn oath, man. "Talkin' 'bout li'l B..."
BOBBY: "I, Bobby Hill..."
BOOMHAUER: "Talkin' 'bout cross my heart, tell you what."
BOBBY: "Do solemnly swear..."

PEGGY: We should have given Bobby a pager. He might have become a drug dealer, but at least we would always know where he is.

CUSTOMER: It doesn't fit.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, maybe I show you somethin' in dang ol' size Boom.

BOBBY: This is your big secret? You just ask every woman you see until one of them finally says yes?
BOOMHAUER: Man, sh! Don't dang ol' tell my secret, man!
BOBBY: You know what, Mr. Boomhauer? I'm pretty certain this is not the way I'm going to find real love.
BOOMHAUER: Man, what you talkin' about... dang ol' love?

BOBBY: Are you laughing at me, or... oh, who cares, I'll take it.


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