"Would you mind grabbing a cocking gun and helping me out?"

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Night and Deity"

Click here to return to the Main Quotes Page


Quotes from "Night and Deity"
Written by Garland Testa
Directed by Gary McCarver

PEGGY: Welcome to the Audobon Society's forty-third and Peggy Hill's first annual backyard bird-count!

DALE: Gribble Team ready! I'm assuming you'll want the heads for identification purposes?
HANK: You're supposed to count the birds, Dale.
DALE: Eventually they will be counted.

DALE: These birds don't stand a chance against this ultrasonic bird distress emitter. (evil laugh) I was up all night listening to sounds that'll drive you crazy.
(Dale turns on horribly annoying, loud sounds.)
HANK: How long does this have to go on for?
DALE: Forever.

DALE: I can't get inside these pigeons' heads! Bill, you're a filthy blocking animal -- would this scare you?

DALE: The pest-control world isn't your happy fuzzy propane Candyland where you can just "call" people. To get the baddest of the baddest-ass, promises must be exchanged, payola paid, reputations put on the line.
BILL: Sounds kinda scary.
DALE: Oh, it is, and then some. If the pigeon god -- or to her parents, Sheila Repkin, PhD -- decides to stoop down to to help our piddly little cause, it will be as if witnessing the beginning of time!

PEGGY: Oh, I will make your birthday party so much fun. And I can be there to gently remind you that as the daughter of an alcoholic, you have a genetic gun pointed at your head, and with every drink you are adding another bullet to the chamber.
LUANNE (to Hank): Would you be my designated driver?
HANK: No, I don't really -- no.
LUANNE: That's okay, Uncle Hank, I'll just drive home drunk. There are so many great things I can crash my car into: A ditch, a telephone pole, a bus-load of babies...

SHEILA: This is one impressive infestation. Was this neighborhood built on a landfill?

SHEILA: Whoa, that's some kind of spray-wand you got there. Bet you could blast one hell of a gopher with that thing.
DALE: I could blast through a horse to get to the gopher.

SHEILA: Dale, honey, would you mind grabbing a cocking gun and helping me out?
HANK: Do you know how many years I wished Peggy would ask me that?

NANCY: Wouldn't that be poetic justice? I come back to Dale and he runs off with another woman?
PEGGY: I would say it's ironic, but you're the one it's happening to, you can call it what you want.

DALE: Nancy, I was just telling Bill and Boomhauer that Sheila's can and your can share some striking similarities. Show 'em your can, Nancy.
NANCY: Sug, you know I don't like you looking at other ladies'...areas.
DALE: How can I help it? She's got your hot bod and my hot mind. It's like a science experiment gone horribly right!

PEGGY: Maybe you need to be more involved in Dale's life. You know, be a bigger part of his world.
NANCY: But Dale's world is so -- I don't really want to --
PEGGY: No, neither would I, but you seem to want to save this thing.

LUANNE (in the alley): Yep. M-hm.

NANCY (exterminating with Dale): THIS IS WHAT YOU DO???

JOHN REDCORN: I'm sure Nancy told you about the time I cured four of her migranes in one night?

HANK: What am I supposed to wear to Luanne's birthday party? I need something that says "I am not some weird old guy in the bar, I am here against my will."

JOHN REDCORN: Nancy, I feel I should warn you -- man, this is an awkward call -- I think this woman is interested in Dale. You shouldn't let him go out tonight.
NANCY: That's why I sent her to you! What about the massage?
JOHN REDCORN: It was just a massage. And she assumed the tip was included in the gift certificate!

BOUNCER: What's up, Hefner?
HANK: You take that back! I am the designated driver, and I'd like a wristband that reflects that.

CHEESY GUY: Hey, what's your name, Beautiful?
LUANNE: It's Luanne, but you can call me Beautiful. I am totally flirting in a bar!
HANK: I have never needed a beer so bad in my entire life.

BOOMHAUER: Man, I tell you what, man, that dang ol' pigeon's freakin' out.

NANCY: Dale, you cannot go! You just tell your little friend to go on home!
DALE: Well, that's not very friendly. I never told you to tell your friend John Redcorn to go home.

BILL (to the pigeon): Maintain, maintain...
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, you take it easy...got that li'l ol' nest...birds...sky...you did poop on my car, but...talk about that later, man.

HANK: I just fell down, and you know why? I'm drunk.
LUANNE: So am I! But you're our driver. I can't drive, and you can't drive...how are we gonna drive if we can't drive?
HANK: I know, I know, it's terrible, but -- I put this song on! It's mine!
BECKY: You've played the same damn song six times in a row.
HANK: New rule, you can't listen to my song any more.

DALE: This is so great. For the first time, I feel like I'm really detecting rat urine.

DALE: I've taken two oaths in my life: One to the NRA, and the other to Nancy Hicks Gribble, nee Nancy Hicks. I stood in front of God and all my friends, vowing to be an honorable and truthful man. So I'm not gonna lie to you, I have felt a small, insect-like attraction for you. But my wife is the greatest woman there ever was!

DALE: Did you know Sheila was trying to come on to me?
NANCY: No, really?
DALE: Yeah, she was all over me -- it was weird. She knows I'm married!


Click here to return to the Main Quotes Page