Click here to return to the Main Quotes Page

Quotes from "The Father, the Son, and J.C."
Written by Etan Cohen
Directed by Tricia Garcia

DIDI: I'm lucky. Cotton is so easy to shop for. Either he likes what I get him, and he's happy, or he hates it, and he shoots it, and he's happy.

HANK: How about I buy you an ornament?
COTTON: "Peace?" You would like that, you draft-dodger! Sure you can't find one with a flag-burning on it?
HANK: It's Jesus peace, not hippie peace.

MR. STRICKLAND: They took away my license! Who wants to buy propane from some no-license castrato?

BOBBY: Too bad we can't get Dad a new dad for Christmas.
PEGGY: Or can we? Bobby, I have turned your terrible idea into a brilliant one. The best present we could get your father would be a healthy relationship with his father. One where they can express their true feelings. And, conveniently, I can get the same thing for Cotton. Didi gets her bath gel like always, and I'm done.

BILL: Since we're starting from scratch, let's make it a dream house and put the toilet in the living room.

MR. STRICKLAND: I'm not one to give credit where credit is due, but doggone it, this time I just can't help myself. Hank Hill has been my assistant manager for twenty years. In all that time I've had two wives, dozens of mistresses, five heart valves -- three plastic, two pig -- but I've only needed one Hank. Merry Christmas, Hank. I'm promoting you to manager.
HANK: Oh! Manager? Oh, Mr. Strickland -- I love you!

BOBBY: Why did Dad have to go and act like a woman in front of Grandpa? Grandpa hates women!

DIDI: Hank is too cruel.
PEGGY: No, Didi, Cotton is the cruel one. Hank is the one who sells propane.
DIDI: But Hank is cruel. He said he loved Buck. He should say he loves Cotton. And that's not just what I think, it's what Cotton told me to think.
PEGGY: Cotton is jealous? But that is a human emotion.

COTTON: You hate me, do you? After all the love I allowed your mother to give you!

JIMMY CARTER: What's wrong, little boy?
BOBBY: My Dad and my Grandpa are fighting. Even if I get the Benny Hill tapes I asked for, it'll still be the worst Christmas ever.
JIMMY CARTER: Land sakes! A family fighting at Christmas? That's not right. Why don't I talk to them?
BOBBY: No offense, sir, but you couldn't even talk your way out of working on Christmas Eve.
JIMMY CARTER: I may be just a carpenter, but I'm often called upon to resolve disputes: "You swiped my drill," "That guy took my chalk," and so on.
BOBBY: Well, you do have a very soothing accent.

PEGGY: I am Bobby's mother, Peggy Hill. I teach a short unit on your presidency.
JIMMY CARTER: Teaching is one of our most noble professions.
PEGGY: Thank you for your honesty. They could not take that away from you.

JIMMY CARTER: Say there was a magic button you could push that would make Hank disappear. Everything else in the world would stay the same, but Hank would never have existed. Would you push that button?
COTTON: I ain't got to answer no hypothetical sitchyations!
JIMMY CARTER: Would you push that button!?
COTTON (growls): No, not yet.

JIMMY CARTER: You both seem to prefer a universe in which the other person hasn't magically disappeared. I think we have a framework for peace.

COTTON: I love shooting a nail gun.
HANK: I love shooting a nail gun too.

BOBBY: Dad and Grandpa like each other again, and all because Jesus showed up.
PEGGY: Bobby, what are you talking about?
BOBBY: That guy. A carpenter, worked a miracle, his name was J.C., rode in a limo...
HANK: You thought that was --?
COTTON: Why, that's nobody but a one-termin' peanut farmer.
HANK: Man wore a sweater.
COTTON: Henpecked by the OPEC!

PEGGY: And, Bobby, that is how I saved Christmas.

Click here to return to the Main Quotes Page