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Quotes from "The Trouble With Gribbles"
Written by Jim Dauterive
Directed by Shaun Cashman

STATION MANAGER (to Luanne): Hey, puppet girl! Can you read?

LUANNE: Anyways, it's gonna keep raining and hailing and thundering and lightninging for a while, so hug your babies tight!

NANCY: I used to think these lines gave me integrity as a weather journalist. But who am I kidding? They're just wrinkles.
DALE: I blame the mirror. I've seen a mirror turn an ordinary man ten feet tall, and another mirror turn the same man three feet short. That man was me.
NANCY: I'm getting old, Dale, and I'm in the younger-prettier business.

NANCY: I just want to look like me twenty years ago.
DALE: What's this facectomy gonna run us?
PLASTIC SURGEON: Five thousand.
DALE: It'll take us twenty years to save that kind of money. And then you'll have to make her look forty years younger, and we'll never be able to afford that!

REYNOLDS PENLAND: Don't underestimate this guy. He's the only customer in our database who's earned every item in our gift catalogue. He'd have to smoke 90,000 cigarettes just to get the satin team jacket.

DALE: They subpoenaed my records. That's the first step. The second step will be to kidnap everyone I've ever known and erase their memories. The third step will be to kill me!
HANK: Dale, they're suing you, they're not going to kill you.
DALE: Wake up, Hank! These people kill 400,000 of their own satisfied customers every year!

DALE: Wow! Luanne is one hot fudge sundae with two big scoops!

(Manitoba Cigarettes theme song, sung by Smokin' Sammy Salmon)
Manitoba is the brand to smoke,
You'll enjoy it toke for toke,
Don't worry,
Keep smoking.

DALE: These people are amateurs to be trifled with. In the spirit of Akido: sh-sh-sh-sha!

DALE: Nancy's a terrible actress. Remember how her Liza Doolittle "did little" for the critics? For my insults to be effective, Nancy must remain completely in the dark, her reactions real and unscripted, like a Dean Martin roast.

DALE: Nancy, dear, your smoke-ravaged face is making me nauseous. Would you mind putting this bag over your head so I can make love to you?

LUANNE: Wow, Mrs. Gribble, you look... terrible. Here, try this new moisturizing cream. I use it on days when I don't look my best. It's not even opened!

LUANNE: I just came to support Mrs. Gribble and to give her some more makeups.

BILL: Beefaroni's fun to eat...
DALE: Beefaroni's really neat...
BILL: Beefaroni's quite a treat...
Hurray!
DALE: Yippee!
BILL & DALE: For Beefaroni!

BILL: I can't take it anymore! Nancy's gone, she is gone, and it's breaking my heart!
DALE: She's coming back, Bill.
BILL: No, she is not! You are living a lie! She's never coming back. They never, ever do. You think they will, but they won't.
DALE: Bill, you're scaring me. Weren't we just having fun?
BILL: Yes! Believe me, I want you to get a divorce. That way you'll be here all the time. Secretly I was glad your stupid plan backfired, so I wouldn't be alone anymore. But this isn't right.

LAWYER: The love affair between juries and tobacco companies has cooled.

DALE (cross-examining himself): Mr. Gribble, I hold in my hand People Magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People" issue. Are you familiar with this Time-Warner publication?
- No.
- May I remind you that you are under oath and that the subscription label bears the name of your optometrist? I'll ask you again, are you familiar with this Time-Warner publication?
- Possibly.
LAWYER: Objection! How is this relevant?
DALE: Your honor, I intend to establish the witness's impossibly high standard of beauty.
JUDGE: I'll allow it, but I want to see where this is going.
DALE: Thank you, your honor. Mr. Gribble, turning to page 16 of this magazine, can you identify the individual pictured thereon?
- Jennifer Aniston.
- Do you or do you not find her beautiful?
- The really hot girl next door, yeah. Beautiful, no.
- Page 19, Denise Richards.
- I cannot get past her wretched acting to see any beauty.
- Mira Sorvino? Mina Suvari? Chloe Sevigny?
- Speak English, please.
- Cindy Crawford?
- Mole!
- Very well, then: Julia Roberts.
- A horse is a horse, of course of course.
- Are you telling this court, under oath, that you find none of these women beautiful? Are you a homosexual?
- No!!!
- You cannot have it both ways, Mr. Gribble! Either you are a homosexual, or the most beautiful woman in the world is in this magazine.
- The most beautiful woman in the world is in this courtroom. (points)
PEGGY: Oh. (waves)
DALE: Not you, the prettier woman next to you. Would the woman in the sunglasses and hat please remove her sunglasses? And hat?
- Do you know this woman?
- She is my wife. She is my lover. She is the mother of my child. She is my raisin de tray.
- But is she beautiful? Your honor, please direct the witness to answer the question.
JUDGE: May I remind the witness and his "attorney" that the entire basis of his damage claim rests upon his wife's appearance. One of you answer the question!
DALE: She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and I want her back more than anything. If anything, I owe Manitoba money for the loveliness my second-hand smoke has bestowed upon my Nancy.

DALE: I'm so sorry, Nancy. I just wanted to make you think you were ugly so if you testified, you wouldn't have to lie.
NANCY: Oh, that's so romantic.
DALE: It's romantic and cunning. I'm the whole package.

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