"What's your damn dolphin joke?"
The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Jon Vitti Presents 'Return to La Grunta'"
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Quotes from "Return to La Grunta"
Written by Jon Vitti
Directed by Gary McCarver
LUANNE: I need $22.50. Eight dollars for the movie, two-fifty for the popcorn, and ten dollars for dinner. Oh, and I want to play the claw machine. I would give up the popcorn to play the claw machine.
MARGE: The golfers are cheap, but they think because I'm a woman, I'm supposed to be Miss Mary Sunshine. Well, to hell with that!
LUANNE: I had no idea you were a woman.
LUANNE: What is the best possible present I could possibly get him?
PEGGY: Well, I always get him pants. I gave him socks one year -- never again.
LUANNE: I've noticed that Uncle Hank doesn't wear any jewelry, so I'm going to get him some jewelry.
DALE: That's not what he needs. I know a man who can remove Hank's fingerprints for him. But believe me, pay the extra and get the fifty-dollar job.
BILL: You know, me and Hank used to go bowling. I'd tell people we were brothers, and he was better than me but sometimes he'd let me win, and we'd stay out all night, and so maybe if you got him another bowling ball, it'd be like before Peggy came.
HANK: I never get brunch.
TRAINER: A man who was healed by dolphins told me that angels are dolphins who haven't learned to swim.
HANK (as Duke attacks him): What's going on?
TRAINER: There's nothing wrong, but maybe you should get out of the pool immediately.
HANK: That thing attacked me! That's not what my niece paid for! (to Luanne) Is it?
LUANNE: No! (to the cameraman) Is it?
HANK: Luanne, you and I have a secret which we must take to our graves.
LUANNE: Are you threatening to kill me, Uncle Hank?
HANK (after a long pause): Of course not.
PEGGY: Bobby, honey, what happened to mixing capers with one of your fruit pies?
BOBBY: That was a big disappointment. I'd rather not talk about it.
HANK: I thought I could have a morning without hearing about the dolphin, but I guess I was wrong. So what is it? What's your damn dolphin joke?
DALE: Now you've ruined it.
LUANNE: Some of the men on the golf course got fresh with me.
BOBBY: Hm. Did they use any swear words?
LUANNE: No, it was more physical.
HANK: Did you report 'em?
LUANNE: Well, no. Then everyone would know. Besides, I shouldn't have taken the putt in the first place -- that was unprofessional.
HANK: Luanne, that's crazy.
LUANNE: Well, you didn't tell anyone when you were --
HANK: Luanne, please!
LUANNE: See, it's best to put these things behind you. If you can make it work, so can I.
HANK: Now wait a minute --
LUANNE: Sorry, can't talk about it.
PEGGY: What are you doing?
LUANNE: Looking pretty in public is just asking for trouble, so I borrowed some of your clothes.
HANK: It was the dolphin. He attacked me.
PEGGY: M-hm. I see.
HANK: No, it was more than that. He -- you remember in that movie on Lifetime, what Gregory Harrison did to Valerie Bertinelli?
PEGGY: Oh, my God! Oh, I have never -- well, actually I have had a dog hump my leg. Oh, it doesn't feel good, does it?
HANK: No. I thought ignoring it would make it go away, but it just made it worse. For everyone. I've never said this about anything before, but it feels good to talk about it.
PEGGY: That's good, Hank. You just let it all out. Oh, it is all so horrible, that creature swimming towards you with his hungry look, waving his -- I mean, does he even have a --
HANK: It's a mammal, Peggy.
PEGGY: Oh, well, then, of course he would, I'm sorry. He is a mammal and would have mammalian organs, roughly in proportion to body size, I'm guessing?
HANK: That's enough talking about it for today.
PEGGY: Of course. You deal with it any way you want. This is all so disorienting, it's hard not to -- I mean -- did he know where to go?
HANK: I don't know what I'm gonna do, but it starts with not lying about what happened. It's the dolphin who should be ashamed.
BILL: It happened to me! The same thing happened to me six years ago! And then four years ago!
HANK, DALE & BOOMHAUER: What???
BILL: Oh, yeah! I saved up the $150, I was going to live it up like the big boys, swimming with the dolphins. It was going to turn my life around, get me my confidence back. And then...
HANK: Well, what'd you do?
BILL: Those hotel guys bought me off with this T-shirt. It made me feel cheap and used, but it breathes nice.
HANK: I want to make sure no one ever has to go through what I went through, except a female dolphin.
TRAINER (to Duke): Why must you always speak through guys like him? Why is it never me?
HANK: You think you can touch anyone when you want, where you want? You think it's okay because no one says it's not?
LUANNE: Thank you, Uncle Hank.
HANK: You're welcome, Luanne.
LUANNE: Can I send in the video to When Animals Attack now?
HANK: I don't think so.
LUANNE: We can split the money.
HANK: That's not necessary.
LUANNE: I can have it all?
HANK: Luanne, give me the tape.
LUANNE: I already sent it in, I thought you'd say yes.
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