"Everything is one way, then it's the opposite."
The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Hank's Back"
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Quotes from "Hank's Back" (The Unbearable Lightness of Being Hank)
Written by Aron Abrams & Gregory Thompson
Directed by Robin Brigstocke
DOCTOR COLE: Just have your office send over your worker's compensation forms, and I'll sign off on them.
HANK: Worker's comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I am not going on welfare.
DOCTOR COLE: If you insist on working, I'll write you a prescription for pain medicine.
HANK: Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood, I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
DOCTOR COLE: Then I'm sorry, but all Western medicine can really offer you are drugs and nothing. But some people have had good luck with yoga. I hear there's a studio over in McMaynerbury.
HANK: Yoga? Isn't that a cult?
DOCTOR COLE: The group that rented the space before them was a cult. That's probably what you're thinking of.
YOGI VICTOR (to a female student): Relax. I'm going to move the energy from your thighs to your buttocks now.
MALE STUDENT: Hey, is my back straight?
YOGI VICTOR: Face the wall!
YOGI VICTOR: Let me tell you a story. Once I was like you: skeptical, nearsighted, paunchy. Then I met a special friend. This glorious friend took me to places I thought I'd never --
HANK: Excuse me, but is this one of those stories where this special friend of yours turns out to be yoga?
YOGI VICTOR: What time do you evacuate your bowels?
YOGI VICTOR: There's only one right answer: between four and six in the morning.
HANK: Well, this was a great way to spend a lunch hour.
YOGI VICTOR: Lunch is one of the worst things you can do to yourself!
PEGGY: Paper or plastic?
PEGGY: That was a rhetorical question.
HANK: More X-rays? I've had 40 got-dang X-rays already.
DR. WALLIS: Nobody said making money was easy, Mr. Hill. Think of getting X-rays as your new job.
PEGGY: You know, bagging groceries has given me a sort of window into people's lives. I bag their groceries, I tell them to have a good day, but I'm not sure they do.
CHET: I'm up to three beers on my lunch break.
BOOMHAUER: Man, you been knocked down in your prime, talkin' 'bout like in ol' Brian's Song, man, the part where they go, talkin' 'bout, "hang in there, Picc."
BILL: You'll see, Hank, lying around the house alone all day isn't so bad. After a while, your couch and your TV will become your mother and father. The couch is your mother.
HANK: Can you turn the lights a little brighter?
JOHN REDCORN: No, that's as bright as they go.
HANK: Can you turn the music off?
JOHN REDCORN: No. It's wired to the lights.
HANK: We've been doing stretches for half an hour. When are we going to get to the yoga?
YOGI VICTOR: Ha, ha, ha! Hank, do you tell the blood to start flowing through your veins or the air to start filling your lungs? You probably do.
HANK: You know, Vince Lombardi won five championships without ever using sarcasm. He just yelled and shoved people.
HANK: Son of a gun, it's working!
YOGI VICTOR: It's not working. It is.
YOGI VICTOR (observing Hank): This is the first time I've ever been disgusted by the human body.
YOGI VICTOR: One can't leave yoga, Hank. One --
HANK: Yeah, yeah, I know, everything is one way, then it's the opposite. Gotta go.
MR. STRICKLAND: I'd love to help you, Hank, but you're on your own. I know you're telling the truth, but when I get on the stand, I got a nasty habit of incriminatin' myself. We can't have us both in the pokey!
HANK: But what about Team Strickland?
MR. STRICKLAND: Yeah, I never understood what you meant by that, Hank.
CHAIRMAN: Mr. Hill, worker's-comp fraud is a big problem in this state. You know how many mailmen slipped on ice last year? 412. You know how much ice we got in Texas? None.
CHAIRMAN: You did yoga? Are you sure you played American football and not soccer?
HANK: If it please the fraud hearing, I would like to call a surprise witness.
CHAIRMAN: Wow! We've never had one of those before.
YOGI VICTOR: I can attest that he came to class complaining of debilitating back pain. He attended three classes and left. He bought no merchandise and complained about the incense.
HANK: Let me ask you, what healthy person would voluntarily spend five minutes with this joker? If I wasn't in horrible pain, wouldn't I have kicked this guy's ass?
YOGI VICTOR: I demand you buy a tank top.
HANK: The jerk from the yoga class calls this move the "Sun Seeker," but I like to call it "Modified Roger Staubach."
ENRIQUE: Hey, Hank, I feel like I'm one with everything!
JOE JACK: I just felt my chakra open, honey.
HANK: Now we're gonna do one I call "Fertilizing the Lawn."
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