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Quotes from "Hilloween"
Written by David Zuckerman
Directed by John Rice

YOUNG BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout wa-ha-ha-ha-ha, dang ol' boo, man!

HANK: How is a dalmatian scary?
BOBBY: They can bite you.
PEGGY: M-hm, and nine times out of ten they go right for the groin.
HANK: Where are the vampires and monsters and ghosts? Elmo... Aladdin... Jenny McCarthy... I don't even know what these things are.

JUNIE: Why don't we start things off with a little quiz?
LUANNE: Oh, I hope it's open-Bible.

HANK: Eatwells? Sugar-free low-fat fun bars? Peggy, these aren't for trick-or-treaters, they're for diabetics.

LUANNE: Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy, I have terrible news. Halloween is a Satanic holiday! It was invented by the Druish!

JUNIE: So you told him about the Druids and the candy-corn and he still thinks Halloween is just for fun?
LUANNE: Uh-huh. I felt so stupid.
JUNIE: Oh, no. First of all, in the eyes of the Lord you're a genius. The devil likes to fool you into thinking you're stupid, because it makes it easier for him to trick you. But if you think you're smart, you can resist him. Do you see what I'm saying?
LUANNE: I'm not sure.
JUNIE: SATAN BEGONE!!! Now do you see?
LUANNE: Yes.

PRINCIPAL MOSS: We can't afford another lawsuit. We blew our budget fighting wheelchair ramps and left-handed scissors.

LUANNE: Junie Harper says a haunted house is the Devil's mousetrap, and fun is the cheese.
HANK: Luanne, just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talking.
LUANNE: Junie says I'm smart, so don't try to trick me into thinking I'm not!

HANK: "Junie Harper says, Junie Harper says" -- last time I checked, it wasn't Junie Harper's face in the stained-glass window at Arlen First Methodist.

BOBBY: I don't know, Dad, this is vandalism, and vandalism isn't cool.
HANK: Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.

PEGGY: I go to church too, and I have raffled and bingoed and bake-saled my way as close to the good Lord as you. So do not try to one-up me, because I will one-up yours.
JUNIE: "The complacency of fools will destroy them." -- Proverbs.
HANK: "Get out of my house." -- Exodus.

DALE: The vandalism upon my house can only be described as a hate crime. Somebody hates me.
COUNCILMAN: Let the record show that somebody hates Dale Gribble.

BOBBY: I heard Satanists like my dad always sacrifice virgins, so we both better be careful.
LUANNE (after a beat): Oh! Uh, m-hm.

JUNIE: I guess the old saying is true: Sex kills.

MAN: Where's grandpa?
(Enter a man in a gorilla suit.)
JUNIE: Ugh! That's your grandpa?
MAN: Haven't you heard? Our ancestors are monkeys!
WOMAN: Stop him! He's eating the baby!
MAN: We can't. It's against the law to teach creationism.

LUANNE: I think that it's better for a child to recieve wholesome impressions from established religious authorities... than participate in rituals that are conducted by people who really don't even realize that they are pawns of the devil.
PEGGY: Whoa, little Missy, I have had it up to here with your baloney! I have taken you into my home, I have sheltered and fed you, but if you step between my husband and his son, I will cast you out like yesterday's garbage!
LUANNE: But, but --
PEGGY: Uh-uh. From now on you leave the parenting to us. We get a magazine about it.

HANK: I came very close to spitting out beer.

BOOMHAUER: Hey, man, check it out, don't need no dang ol' costume, man, I'm a dang ol' mime, man, 'cause I'm tryin' to get out of this box, man... next I'll play dang ol' tug of war, man.

DALE: Boo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist peddling influence. Who wants candy?

JUNIE: You'll go to hell!
HANK: You'll get candy!
JUNIE: Hell!
HANK: Candy!
JUNIE: Hell!
HANK: Candy!
BOBBY: Stop! I don't care about candy! I just want to be with my dad.

BOBBY: Hey, Dad, I was just kidding before. I care about candy. I care a whole lot.

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