"Watch out for those Hill brothers."

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Returning Japanese"

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Quotes from "Returning Japanese"
Written by Kit Boss and Etan Cohen (part 1), Alex Gregory & Peter Huyck (part 2)
Directed by Allan Jacobsen (part 1), Anthony Lioi (part 2)

HANK: I already picked the country for our vacation: America. And the state: Texas. And the town: Denton. I don't care what their police did to that cyclist, it's still a good town.
PEGGY: Great, Denton. Gateway to Durndle.

DALE: Ah, Memorial Day. A day when our war heroes are celebrated by even the most liberal of media.

DIDI: Hank, I'm worried. Cotton's been acting very stressed all week. Maybe you could take him out for some guy time. Nothing gay, though.
HANK: I don't know. He'll want to go to a strip club, and he always tips the girls to put their whatnots on my head.

HANK: Can we use your steam room?
JOHN REDCORN: It's not a steam room. It's a sweat lodge. It's one of the most intense spiritual experiences known to my people.
HANK: Are you talking about that thing by the port-a-john that looks like a compost heap with garbage bags on it?
JOHN REDCORN: Twenty dollars each.

COTTON: I got to gets back to Japan and apologize! But how am I going to get there? I got no shins! All my money goes to the baby's mouth-mush and your step-granny's booby payments!

PEGGY: This is about a man who for fifty years denied any human emotion in order to hide from his haunting memories of war, ruining his relationship with his son, until fate gives him one last chance to find... no, it's still not an interesting story.

(Peggy's suggestions for travel articles)
- "Canada: Not Just America's Hat"
- "I See London, I See France"

DALE: I have no formal opinion on the Japanese. I know that must disappoint you.

HANK: I'm only going to read this once. "Hi, my name is Ladybird. I like long walks, my arthritis medication, and two cups of kibble a day. I'll try to outsmart you and get three cups, but I know you're too clever for that, Ms. Platter."
LUANNE: I don't know, Uncle Hank. She did write this letter and everything.

COTTON: She's a Japanese!
HANK: Dad, they're called "Asians" now.

PEGGY: You've killed Germans, you've killed Japanese. Which do you prefer?

PEGGY: Your father is behaving like a maniac. He's just sitting there with his mouth shut!

REPORTER: We will go with you to her. You apologize. She will cry. We will edit it for broadcast purposes. That is the process.

PEGGY: There is nothing to worry about. He is just fighting his urge to kill you.

HANK: My dad's still on the plane. He had to use the lavatory, and he said he might be a while. You know, he's old.
REPORTER: Oh. My father also struggles with the shame of incontinence.

PEGGY (in the hotel): Look at the architecture. You can really see the Japanese influences.

LUANNE: Okay, pound dog. Your job is to pretend to be just like that dog over there, only not so dead.

VALET: The cologne has displeased you.

HANK: How could you not know you had another son? How many women have you slept with? Five? Six?
COTTON: Two hundred seventy-three. But this isn't about sex, no sir. It's about love. And sex. Yeah, I spent the year after the war ended in a Japanese hospital. General McArthur's personal sawbones had reattached my feets to my knees, and prescribed enough antibiotics to cure the French army's clap. Every day, a Japanese angel would drain my shins of pus and fill my heart with love. It was magical. Then excruciating. Which made it all the more magical.

COTTON: I left more than my shins in Japan. I left a piece of my heart. And some seed, I guess, which grew into Junichiro.

HANK: A brother. I have a brother.
PEGGY: A Japanese half-brother. That is some freaky stuff.
HANK: The Hill brothers. "Watch out for those Hill brothers." "Did you see what those Hill brothers were up to the other day?"
PEGGY: Just be prepared for when your new half-brother decides he's in love with me. I must be quite a sight to him, with my exotic unbound feet.

MICHIKO: Hello, Cotton. I am glad to see your feet did not fall off as predicted. How is everything else?
COTTON: Well, it's been a crazy fi'ty years. After I got back to the States, I had a juicy Porterhouse steak cooked medium rare, just the way I likes 'em. Then I knocked around a bit. Eventually I got tired of working for jackasses, and decided to make an honest living installing asbestos in schools and hospitals. Got married twice, one ugly, one hot, and had two sons: Hank, and my baby Good Hank.

HANK: I work in propane and propane accessories. You may have seen it used in some of our movies.

COTTON: I don't usually cry unless someone's pulling out my fingernails like you fine folks did many years ago.

JUNICHIRO: With all respect and honor, I would not be saddened if both you and your father went to hell.

JUNICHIRO: I cannot leave work in middle of the day. I am assistant manager. One of only thirty.
HANK: Dangit, he's gone berserk. And when he winds up on the news, everyone is going to find out he's your dad. That's gonna bring you great shame, I tell you what.

JUNICHIRO: What you expect, running around like crazy cowboy? This not Texas, shoot off guns, pow-pow-pow, Rambo, John Wayne.

HANK: So, how long you been in the robot game?
JUNICHIRO: There was not a time I was not fascinated by robots. Robots are clean, efficient, reliable.
HANK: That sounds like propane. I wonder if they ever made a robot that ran on propane?
JUNICHIRO: No. (Hank looks disappointed) But they could.
HANK: Yep.

LUANNE (walking Ladybird and her double): I'm gonna tell Uncle Hank I learned how to clone at the junior college. You two better back me up.

COTTON: I'm gonna hawk a loogie in the face of this country's number-one sumbitch!

JUNICHIRO: You would be proud of me. I was abrupt with an elderly woman.

DALE: This is Hank Hill, occupant. I cannot open the door as I am making love to my wife Peggy.
BILL: We're doing it!

PEGGY: You're not going anywhere, Mister. Correction, you are going somewhere: everywhere, with Peggy Hill's tour-iffic Tokyo. First stop, the Disney Store.

Everybody super-happy,
Everybody super-happy,
Six-thirty p.m.!

JUNICHIRO: I kick-a your ass! Look at me! Here come Ronald Reagan Mike Tyson!

JUNICHIRO: Father! No!
COTTON: What did you just call me?
JUNICHIRO: I called you "Father." There is no shame in being a Hill. Hank taught me that. And he also taught me there is no shame in having a narrow urethra.
HANK: That was just between brothers.
JUNICHIRO: Like Japan, I am no longer your enemy. And like my little brother, I am your son, I tell you what.

COTTON: You're gonna miss your war skootch, ain't you, boy?
BOBBY: I never even got to say goodbye.
COTTON: What!? Stop the cab! Stop the cab!
HANK: Dad, what are you doing?
COTTON: You wouldn't understand. It's about love. Bobby, you gots to say your goodbyes. 'Cause Lord knows it's a kick in the kiester to come back for 'em after fifty years!

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