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Quotes from "Keeping Up With Our Joneses"
Written by Jonathan Collier & Joe Stillman
Directed by John Rice

HANK: This grout is supposed to stay white for twenty years. What's it been, seventeen, eighteen? Peggy, where's that receipt?

JOSEPH: I found a sparkplug.
BOBBY: Great! Now all we need are three more of those, four wheels, an engine, some kind of frame and a cassette radio, and we've got our death car!

BOBBY (reading the label on the Manitoba cigarette carton): "The official cigarette of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police." Wow! I never had one of those.
JOSEPH: You ever had any cigarettes?
BOBBY: No. How about you?
JOSEPH: Only second-hand from my dad.

HANK: Is this john occupied? Est esta juan occupado?

HANK: Didn't you read this? "Cancer. Heart disease. Emphysema."
BOBBY: I thought those were the ingredients.

PEGGY (to Bobby): Only trailer trash smoke nowadays! Do you want to look like trailer trash?
LUANNE: That's not fair! I don't smoke!

PEGGY: Oh, honey, you are not trash just 'cause you grew up in a trailer and your momma's in prison.

JOSEPH: I'm sorry, Dad. I'll never smoke again.
DALE: Whoa, hold on, son. I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision. If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking, or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry.

HANK: For God's sake, Bobby, what nationality are you?
BOBBY: American.
HANK: Then why are you holding your cigarette like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?
BOBBY: Why does it matter? I thought smoking was bad.
HANK: That's not the right sort of attitude for you to have. Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it's something wrong.

ENRIQUE: Things got tough after NAFTA sent all the pinata jobs north.
HANK: That's quite a story, Enrique. I like stories. I like stories about pinatas. In fact, I like everything you have to say.

BOBBY: Hey, all right! You guys smoke too?
HANK: What we do is not the point. I told you not to smoke. Do I have to take you out back with another carton of cigarettes?
BOBBY: I think you do.

LUANNE: I cannot believe you're all smoking! Don't you know more people die of smoking than die of... war... in Vietnam... every day?

INSTRUCTOR: Look to your left. Now look to your right. What do you see? Don't be shy -- there are no wrong answers here.
MAN: I see a caring human being?
INSTRUCTOR: No. You see your buddies for a better life.
HANK: I've got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass.

HANK: Bill, what are you doing here?
BILL: Well, I know you think of me as a pretty together guy, but sometimes I need a little help, just six nights a week for twenty years.

INSTRUCTOR: How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?
BOBBY: Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.
HANK: Now wait a minute, I didn't let him, I made him! It was a punishment!
BILL: Can I get a new buddy?

HANK: I tell you what you all need, you need to take a thirteenth step, down off your high horse.

BOBBY: Why does my potato have skin on it? I hate skin!
PEGGY: I will not sit here and listen to you criticize my work! What, do you think the potatoes just fly into the bowl and mash themselves?
LUANNE: I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words. It's just the nicotine withdrawal.
HANK: Why is she still talking?

HANK: I wasn't gonna smoke it, I swear.
LUANNE: I know. You did it! Good boy, here's your treat.

PEGGY: Shut that damn door! Can't you see that I am knitting?

BOBBY: Mom, this is not your son, this is your buddy. Who's your buddy? Who's your buddy?

LUANNE: I am sick of dysfunctional families. I came from one and I'm not going to let it happen to you. Function! Function, damn you!

HANK: We'll smoke it together, you and me. It'll be romantic, like it used to be in the old days, before he came along!
BOBBY: Mom, it's your son. Nine months inside, remember? Those were good times too!

PEGGY: This family has survived floods and twisters and every kind of flu the Orient could throw at us, and we are not gonna be done in by a little tobacco leaf!

BOOMHAUER: Y'all listen up, man...this's Boomhauer...this your lungs on air, this your lungs on smoke...see the difference, man?...it's goin' stunt your growth all over...you'll wind up in a dang ol' hospital bed like Morton Downey Jr...Robert Downey Jr. even worse, man...yo...think they talk about oral gratification, all that dang...it's gonna give you a low sperm count, man...give ya ear hair...yo...it just ain't no good.

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