"I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!"

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Leanne's Saga"

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Quotes from "Leanne's Saga"
Written by David Zuckerman
Directed by Tricia Garcia

LUANNE: I don't think Mama would want anyone to take her place. Not unless they took her place in prison...but I guess that's too much to ask.

PEGGY: I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!
BOBBY: Whoa.

BILL: I never met the lady, but she did her time.
BOOMHAUER: I tell you what, man, ain't no dang ol' "lady" about her...gettin' all likkered up and pawin' me like an animal...I tell her, no means no.
HANK: Yeah, Leanne's bad news. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. So he marries Leanne, and after eighteen years of drunken hell she stabs him with a fork.

BILL: The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife. She used them against me in the divorce.
HANK: You don't have to be embarrassed about your feet, Bill, it's just a medical condition.
BILL: That's easy for you to say, but I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.

PEGGY: Marriage is about trust, and she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.

PEGGY: I'm so proud of what you've accomplished since we took you in. You're in school, you've got a righteous Christian puppet show, you're always so very clean...I just do not want you to get distracted and lose your way.
LUANNE: You don't have to worry about me, Aunt Peggy. That's my mama's job.

LEANNE: You have such a lovely home. Of course, if somebody turned on a fire hose, it would all be ruined.

PEGGY: How long is that woman going to stay here? I am sick and tired of scrambling around to prepare nutritious meals that do not require a fork.

HANK: How's the job search going?
LEANNE: Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.

LUANNE (to Buckley): Go on. Like we practiced.
BUCKLEY: Hey.

BILL: You must be Luanne's mama.
LEANNE: That's funny -- most people think me and Lu-Lu are sisters.

BILL: Oh, I don't know, me gettin' my toes rubbed all night by a pretty girl, in the...okay.

BILL: Our relationship is just starting -- it's too soon to ask her to move in with me. We'd be moving faster than the speed of love!

HANK: Dangit, at this rate, my new work bench is never gonna get used.
BILL: Oh, it got used last night. Right after we took a little ride on your mower!
HANK: Aaaghh!

LUANNE: I got so scared when you didn't come. I thought maybe you started drinkin' again and got in a accident or a gunfight.

HANK: Leanne's first husband is working on an offshore oil rig in the gulf, and he swears he's coming ashore until I fax him her death certificate. Now what makes you think you can do any better?
BILL: Because she loves me.
HANK: Then why did she hit you?
BILL: It's a new love game she made up. It's not my favorite, but she seems to like it.

PEGGY: I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!
LUANNE: You're not my mama. Mama's my mama.

LUANNE: You're gonna marry Mama? This is just like a fairy tale! I'm gonna call you Stepdaddy Bill!

HANK: What happened to your eye, Bill?
BILL: My eye? Oh, my eye -- well, it's a very interesting story. I was walking, uh, walking, and I walked into, uh, a door.
DALE: Wait a minute...how is that interesting?

DALE: Poor Bill. His woman is making a fool of him.
JOHN REDCORN: It happens.

BUCKLEY: Help! Get this skank off me!

DALE: Fork!!!

PEGGY: Leanne, whether you like the title or not, you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you, but you don't know how to return even a fraction of the love you get from your child or from your man. I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day, we can all live very nicely without you!

LEANNE: I kicked your brother's ass, and I will kick yours too, sissy!
PEGGY: Oh yeah? Well, there's one thing you didn't count on: My brother has size six feet, but I don't! (kicks Leanne) Ho yeah!!!

LEANNE (to Luanne): Oh, think you're better than me, huh? Fine! Then I ain't your sister no more!

HANK: You can't just let her steal your truck, Bill, you've gotta call the police.
BILL: No, I think the best thing to do is just let her go. If she doesn't come back, that means we were never meant to be. And if she does come back, well, then I'll call the police.

BOBBY: You kicked her ass, Mom.
PEGGY: Yes, I did.
BOBBY: But she's a better dancer.
PEGGY: You do not know that.

LUANNE: What should I do about Mr. Dauterive? He keeps introducin' me as his daughter.
PEGGY: Well, the parental bond is very strong, even if it's not real.
LUANNE: You know, the aunt-niece bond is even stronger.
PEGGY: I think so too.
LUANNE: Twin sisters would have the strongest bond.
PEGGY: Especially if they're attached at the head. And next is the aunt-niece bond.
LUANNE: Oh, yeah. Strongest would be an aunt and niece attached at the head.
PEGGY: Well, I don't know how that would happen, but yes, that would be very, very strong.


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