"How do we give Dale back his penis?"

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Soldier of Misfortune"

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Quotes from "Soldier of Misfortune"
Written by J.B. Cook
Directed by Anthony Lioi

DALE: Macaroon? I've got entrance wound size and exit wound size.

DALE: The Generalissimo was guarded better than a Mafia Don's virgin daughter. We needed the element of surprise, so me and my team showed up disguised as flower delivery men. He answers the door thinking someone sent him a bouquet of roses. But instead, he's pushing up daisies! Sh-sh-sh-sha!

HANK: Don't worry, Dale. I'm sure next week one of those guys will shoot somebody's toe off, and this will all be forgotten.
DALE: Oh, God, if that happened I'd kiss his bloody nub.

DALE: Mad Dog's running for president. He's already got the black vote -- Earl -- and the gay vote -- Earl.

DALE: Me having an accidental discharge is like you giving a sales pitch for a grill, and not even mentioning the convenient warming plate.
HANK: Oh, I can't even -- no! God, no!

PEGGY: A gun is a penis substitute. So Dale losing the gun club presidency is like Dale losing his...
BILL: Penis?
PEGGY: Exactly. Now, how do we give Dale back his penis? We anonymously answer his Soldier of Fortune ad and send him on a mission even a moron could do. Once he completes it, he will happily be back in his pathetic little bubble of self-delusion. And kudos to me for coming up with the idea.

HANK: Mr. Big is pleased.

DALE: The falcon has the egg. By "egg" I mean briefcase. Oh, and this is Dale, from the ad.

DALE: Wait a minute. I don't recall a change in plans being in the original plan. What am I carrying in this case?
HANK: I'll ask the questions around here, Gribble. And right now I don't have any.
DALE: It's drugs, isn't it? Well, if you want a mule, go to the pet store, Big! (He hangs up. The other passengers on the bus, overhearing, all stare at him.) Mercenary.

DALE: I can't die on my first mission! It's bad for business!

DALE: I should have known it was too good to be true. Fourteen years I've been running that ad, and not one call. Then, suddenly -- one call.

DALE: Quick, Nancy, plan 51-Tango!
NANCY: What are you talking about, sug?
DALE: Plan 51-Tango! In the event of a hostile takeover of the gun club, resulting in a Dale-threatening situation, I flee to Costa Rica. Why do we even have the drills if you're not gonna pay attention?

MAD DOG: Trespassers! If I shoot them, I'm going back to jail. But I can't not shoot them.

JOSEPH: I had to cut my hair to make a mustache for my dad. We're going on a trip.
BOBBY: In my dad's truck?
DALE: He wanted me to have it! He's getting a convertible! I wasn't supposed to say anything, but here it is: he's having a midlife crisis, he'll probably leave your mother, and it's partially your fault.

HANK: I am Mr. Big.
DALE: But we've known each other since the second grade! When did this happen? First grade?

HANK: I was just trying to make you feel better without having to talk to you.

DALE: In about two minutes, a CIA swat team is gonna swarm this place like flies on Bill.

DALE: All those in favor of re-electing Dale Alvin Gribble, who is currently running on the "save your sorry asses" platform, say aye.


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