Click here to return to the Main Quotes Page

Quotes from "The Perils of Polling"
Written by Jim Dauterive
Directed by Kyounghee Lim & Boohwan Lim

HANK: Did you send in those voter registration forms I gave you on your eighteenth birthday?
LUANNE: No, but that's okay -- I'll just vote for President next year.

HANK: I still get goose pimples thinking about pulling the lever for Councilman Fred Ebberd. 'Course, then he betrayed me.

TED: The polls and the media have been ignoring my campaign. But they're in for a surprise when longshot candidate Ted T. Gannaway moves out of his parents' basement and into the White House!
HANK: Look, a fringe candidate. Poor misguided bastard.
PEGGY: Well, you have to admire his courage. I mean, he's right in the middle of what I like to call Bush Country.

BARKER: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the main event, the real deal, the finest diver with four legs, the pork Louganis, Mitch the Amazing Diving Pig! For his first dive, Mitch will present the Two-la Hula, a dive through not one, not three, but two hula hoops!

MAN: He's dead!
BOBBY: Not this pig. Not today.

CAMPAIGN WORKER: This is the sort of heroism the Governor loves to attach himself to.

LUANNE: I guess I cancel out your vote. My first election, and your vote means nothing. (Raising her arm in a Communist salute) Long live the people's revolution!

LUANNE: I have several reasons. The line to his booth was the shortest. I like his tie -- it's red. And his shirt is white, and his jacket is blue, and that stands for America -- Communism!

HANK: I just think if you don't read the papers and the only TV you watch is the MTV, you shouldn't be allowed to vote.

LUANNE (as Sir Reginald): Cheerio. We were wondering if you would vote for Robert Parigi of the Communist Party U.S.A. for President, what what?
HANK: You don't know the first thing about Communism.
LUANNE: What's to know? Robert Parigi's got the cutest little eyes and the prettiest eyebrows. (as Sir Reginald) So can I tell Robert he can count on your vote?
HANK: No, you cannot! I hate Communists! All they do is boss people around!
LUANNE: Sounds like you, Uncle Hank.
HANK: Luanne, please go home before I tell you you're acting like an idiot and make you cry.
LUANNE (as Obadiah): Eee-yaa! You're a Communist! Eee-yaa!
HANK: No, I'm not!
LUANNE (as Sir Reginald): Welcome to the Party, mate!
HANK: Get that penguin back here! I'm not done!
LUANNE (as Obadiah): Eee-yaa! Power to the people, Comrade! (as Sir Reginald) I say, you look good in red, Comrade Hill!
HANK: All right, I gave you fair warning. Luanne, you're acting like an idiot.
LUANNE (crying): Oh, no! Oh, Uncle Hank!

LUANNE: He's even more handsome than his dad.
HANK: Well, Barbara's a handsome woman.

GEORGE W. BUSH: Hey, there's Heimlich County's newest hero!
BOBBY: I was just in the right place at the right time, like any hero.

HANK: Oh, my God! His handshake! It's limp!

HANK: This man could be the next leader of the free world. We're gonna have nutjob Third World dictators walking all over us when they find out the man in charge doesn't have a strong enough finger to push the button.

HANK: See that guy's reaction when Bush shakes his hand? Surprise, then disappointment. Surprise, then disappointment.
PEGGY: Sure, but when I want to watch Scent of a Woman, you don't even know how to work the VCR.

HANK: With voter turnout at all-time lows, not voting makes me more American.

DALE: We're going to stay in Mexico and see how the election turns out. In the event of any problems -- civil unrest, military coup -- we will remain in Mexico under assumed identities. You are Fritz Kruger, wealthy Ecuadorian rancher. And I am Central American singing sensation LaMotil.

LUANNE: This isn't Rudy, it's Luanne. And this isn't a propane emergency, it's a why-aren't-you-voting emergency. Why aren't you voting?
HANK: Because my candidate's handshake had no character.
LUANNE: What takes character is to vote anyway, even if it's rainy, or your face is blotchy, or your uncle made you cry, or your candidate's a dud. It doesn't take any character to give up.
HANK: What do you know about it? You've never even voted!
LUANNE: Well, maybe I won't vote after all, since apparently it's not that important. I think I'll go shopping, like you did, Uncle Hank. Because I don't need to vote, but I can always use a good pair of pants.

BILL: So who'd you vote for, Hank?
LUANNE: Nuh-uh. If he tells you, it won't come true.

Click here to return to the Main Quotes Page