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HANK: Do you know where I can find 4D batteries for my flashlight?
RON: Aisle 30, I think.
HANK: This is Aisle 30.
RON: 15? 3?
HANK: Stop guessing! Either you know or you don't know!
RON: Sir, I'm trying to help you.

LUANNE: If I don't pay my tuition, I can't go to Beauty Academy any more. Can you believe that?
BUCKLEY: How much did you say it was?
LUANNE: Three hundred dollars.
BUCKLEY: Oh. All I got is four hundred. And that's going toward my new trampoline. I mean, my old trampoline's good, but you know.

CHUCK MANGIONE: Your garden will be a horn of plenty with Mega Lo Mulch, now in convenient 50-pound bags.

CHUCK MANGIONE: Mega Lo Mart now has propane and propane accessories at Mega Lo prices, and it fuels so good.

MR. STRICKLAND: Debbie and I stayed late last night, and after that, we thought of a plan.

CUSTOMER: Do you honor Mega Lo Mart coupons?
HANK: No, but for pennies more, you get the same products with Strickland service.
CUSTOMER: How many pennies?
HANK: Several hundred.

HANK (as the customer leaves): I hugged you!!!

HANK: I know we can never compete with Mega Lo Mart's prices, but I thought we could get a spokesperson, the way Mega Lo Mart cashes in on Chuck Mangione's star power. Now, I've been doing some research on this Zamfir fella, and turns out he's sold more albums worldwide than the Beatles. His music's better too.

HANK: You're firing me?
MR. STRICKLAND: I can't even afford to give you a severance package, but you can have five minutes at the office supply cabinet.

PEGGY: From now on, I'll be the breadwinner of the house. Not that you're the breadloser. We're all winners here!

HANK: What exactly are we selling?
PRESENTER 1: You'll be selling opportunity.
PRESENTER 2: For your initial investment of $300, you can make up to $200,000. It's up to you.
PRESENTERS: You! You! You!
HANK: What's in the box?
PRESENTER 2: Okay, eager beaver, inside each of these boxes are twenty-four little boxes filled with dreams.
HANK: Oh, god, we're not selling steak knives, are we?
PRESENTER 1: Uh... not we -- you!
PRESENTERS: YOU! YOU! YOU!

LUANNE: Uncle Hank, what's a BTU?
HANK: British Thermal Unit.
LUANNE: Wow, so there's no bacon in it at all, then.
HANK: I think you've picked up the wrong book there, Luanne. That one's about propane.
LUANNE: I know! I'm studyin' to be a propane salesman, just like you used to be, Uncle Hank.
HANK: That's a neat idea, Luanne. And while you're at it, you can fly around the world in a weather balloon.
LUANNE: I can too get a job selling propane. Buckley said he'd hire me at the Mega Lo Mart.
HANK: Mega Lo Mart? Why don't you just go to down to Hell and work for the devil?
LUANNE: Good thing that I don't have dangerous brain powers, or right now you'd be in a thousand little pieces!

BOOMHAUER: Hey, man, I know how it is, man, you short on money you come on down to the ol' Bank of Boomhauer, get a little cash advance...some additional charges may apply, man.

HANK (watching "Monsignor Martinez"): How can such a good cop become such a bad priest?

HANK: I'm trying, Peggy.
PEGGY: Don't be a try-baby, Hank. Be a do-baby!

LUANNE: I'm ready for the test, Buckley. I just pushed everything out of my mind except propane...well, and how to get here.

BOBBY: I thought you hated Mega Lo Mart.
HANK: I do, son, I do indeed.
BOBBY: But you're working for them.
HANK: That's right.
BOBBY: Are you still married to Mom?
HANK: Bobby, of course I am!
PEGGY: M-hm, he is, Bobby.

PEGGY: You have never failed before. I don't know how to pity you without offending you.

LUANNE: (as Sir Reginald) I'm Sir Reginald Featherbottom the Third, and my boyfriend is going to give me a job at the Mega Lo Mart! (as Obadiah) Eee-yaa! No he's not! I'm going to make him give it to me, and ruin your life forever! Eee-yaa!

MARK: Don't take it too hard, Hank. After a while, you hardly miss respect.

HANK: The only Main Street you can find nowadays is in Disneyland, and just try buying a gun there.

RAY: There I was, bare-ass naked, with my butt in a box of night crawlers. Felt kinda funny, but it kept them alive through the night.

HANK: We will be disrupting a Chuck Mangione concert with kazoos.
RAY: Why kazoos, Hank?
HANK: Because they're portable, they're annoying, and Megalomart has them for three dollars a case.
RAY: We'll be just like Queer Nation!
(Beat.)
MARK: Or the Boston Tea Party!
ALL: Yeah...that's good...let's go with that...yeah.

PEGGY: After 15 years of teaching, I know a mutiny when I see one.

LUANNE: I'm breaking up with you! Do you know why?
BUCKLEY: Chicken thigh.
LUANNE: Don't make this harder than it already is!

CHUCK MANGIONE: How you doin', Arlen? Are you ready to soft-rock?

OPERATOR: Sir, you are going to have to speak more slowly. I can't understand you.
BOOMHAUER: Dang...ol'...Mega...Lo...Mart...talkin'...'bout...went...BOOM!

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