"Why don't you pet an imaginary cat?"

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "The Texas Skilsaw Massacre"

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Quotes from "The Texas Skilsaw Massacre"
Written by Alan Cohen & Alan Freedland
Directed by Shaun Cashman

DALE: So... you found the tunnel.

HANK: What the hell were you thinking, digging a tunnel under my house?
DALE: You should be flattered. Think of it as a two-way friendship tube. I can escape to your house when the Feds come a-knockin', and you can slip over to mine when some jealous husband comes looking for you.
PEGGY: There will always be husbands jealous of Hank for marrying me. There is no place on earth he can hide from them.

BILL: I fall through the floor, I'd say, on the average, about once a year.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Would you boys like a piece of hard candy?
BILL: Yes, yes! Yes, I would please like a piece of candy!

BOBBY: I don't mind us staying at Grandpa's, but I won't share a bed with baby G.H. He always tries to suck on my boobie.

BOBBY: Strange bathroom, no night light -- I hope Mr. Gribble isn't counting on 100% accuracy.
PEGGY: Well, sit if you have to. I do -- when I have to.

DALE: Hank, I wouldn't use that remote.
(Hank clicks on the remote. Sound of an explosion offscreen.)
DALE: There goes the mailbox.
HANK: You have an exploding mailbox!?
DALE: That was your mailbox. And yes, I do.

ORDERLY: I think we have a domestic abuse situation here. The big one's already cut the little one's finger off.
COP: It always happens to the younger, prettier one.

DALE: Officer, take him away. And see that his human rights are roundly violated.

DALE: Objection! -- conjecture. Objecture.

HANK: Anger management? That's for guys who spit on umpires. I don't need that crap.

BILL: You cut Dale's finger off for digging a tunnel. I once made a vest out of your wife's underpants. I can't imagine what you'd do to me.
HANK: Come on, I wouldn't hurt you. You guys know I don't have a problem with anger, I have a problem with idiots.

INSTRUCTOR: Next time you want to call someone a dirtbag, stop and picture that person as a big bag of dirt. Just a big old bag of dirt driving her SUV. And you know what? You'll have to pull over, 'cause you'll have the giggles. That's what we call "silly humor."

INSTRUCTOR: Why don't you pet an imaginary cat? Just like this, slow and gentle and easy. I call her Soothy. Soothy the Kitty. Want to pet her?

DIDI: Hank has always been angry. When we were in kindergarten, and the other children would use the finger-paints, he would pinch them.
HANK: You are a bald-faced liar!
COTTON: Amen.

INSTRUCTOR: I'm going to teach you all a little dance. The avoid-dance. Who has a child who keeps a messy room? The next time you walk by Junior's room, shut the door. Don't look at what infuriates you. Just do this little dance. Shut the door. Shut the door. Shut the door...

BIG JIM: Can you believe that bunk he's selling? Don't ever get angry, you turn into the world's biggest doormat. Read your Bible. God has a hell of a temper. You piss Him off, you're up to your ass in locusts. Look at Him the wrong way, pillar of salt. He's one tough two-fisted gin-joint bouncer, and He made us in His image.

DALE: Hank Rutherford Hill, you are within one hundred feet of me, and much as I like to scoff at the law, I also like to arbitrarily enforce it. Skedaddle, boy.

PEGGY: It was a short period of suffering, but probably fairly intense.

CHUCK MANGIONE: "Chick" Mangione? I'm not a chick, I'm a dude! (hits the Instructor with his horn)

HANK: Okay, look, my idiot friends rented a ditch-witch and dug a tunnel under the alley, and if you drive over there you'll probably crush them to death.
DRIVER: Buddy, I used to be just like you. Drinking, standing in alleys, making up stories just to get attention. Get it together.

HANK: If you don't get out of that got-dang rat-hole, I'll get my circular saw and cut off all your fingers and toes! Now move! Move! Move!


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