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Quotes from "To Spank With Love"
Written by David Zuckerman
Directed by Adam Kuhlman

JOSEPH: Your mom's as cool as most people's dads.
BOBBY: It's like that book they took out of the school library -- I've got two dads!
HANK: No, you don't!

PEGGY: Quien esta terrando los darts de Nerf?

DOOLEY: You're dead.
PEGGY: En Espanol, por favor.
DOOLEY: Tu eres muerto.

PEGGY: "Needs improvement?" I have never had to improve on anything in my whole life!

DOOLEY: I pulled your pants down.

HANK: I'm sure you didn't hurt him. I should know; I got spanked plenty in school.
PEGGY: Really? Well, you turned out just fine.
HANK: Better than fine! And back then, they even used a paddle called Old Spanky. It was a piece of hickory about yea big, and it had holes drilled in it to cut down on wind resistance, and a little pine tar on the handle for no-slip grip. Heh. Good ol' Spanky. (shudders)

BOBBY: Dooley pantsed you. That's what he does. And when it happens, you pull up your pants and move on.

MR. DOOLEY: Please, Mrs. Hill, we should apologize to you. I'm sure Stuart Deserved it; we know what a handful he can be.
PEGGY: Well, what are you saying?
MRS. DOOLEY (in exactly the same tone as her son): You did good.

PRINCIPAL MOSS: Teacher's statement...response from the parents...okay, looks like all our ducks are in a row. Peggy, you're fired.
PEGGY: But the Dooleys forgave me!
PRINCIPAL MOSS: Let's see -- there's nothing in here about forgiveness. There are procedures for administering legal spankings, which you violated at every turn, and there are procedures for terminating a teacher, which I followed to a T.

EMILY: It's over, Mrs. Hill.

COTTON: Hey there, Hank's wife, whatcha cryin' for? Got your monthlies?

JEETER: In my 35 years at Tom Landry Middle School, I spanked thousands of students, shaping their characters and preparing them to die in wars overseas.
PEGGY: Actually, I only spanked once.
COTTON: She's just being modest. She's the first teacher since they killed LBJ to stand up to those draft dodgers!

DALE: Spanking was wrong then and it's wrong now. I say spare the rod and spoil the child!
HILL: Dale, "spare the rod and spoil the child" means you're in favor of spanking.
DALE: I don't think so.

BILL: My daddy spanked me every day from when I was nine till I was sixteen, and I turned out okay. (pause) Bastard.

PEGGY: I am going to scare my students, exactly the way President Reagan scared hundreds of millions of Russians with his Star Wars death beam.
HANK: I miss voting for that man.

BOBBY: Joseph won't even come over to play any more because he says he's having nightmares about that stupid paddle.
DALE: Did you hear that? My son is dreaming about getting spanked by your wife!
BILL: Well, that's not so unusual.

BILL: Peggy's feeling powerful, so her body is producing extra amounts of testosterone. I bet if she wanted to, she could grow a mustache! Of course, I don't know why she'd want to.

PEGGY: Do I tell you how to sell propane and propane accessories? Did I criticise you for your big "Spatula Tuesday" fiasco?

PEGGY: This paddle is the only thing standing between the Arlen public school system and complete chaos!

JOSEPH: ...And then she freaked out, and she dropped that paddle right in the middle of the alley. And without that paddle, she looked just like Bobby's mom!

PEGGY: Spain, 1478. The weapon of choice: The mace. It was the beginning of the Spanish Inquisition. Although it was begun with the best of intentions, a number of very nice, innocent people were brutally punished. And without a doubt, the worst thing about the Spanish Inquisition is that nobody ever said they were sorry.

PEGGY: I could use some help preparing the soil. Why don't you spread the mulch?
JOSEPH: What's it made of?
PEGGY: Paddle. And goat manure.

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