The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Luanne Virgin 2.0"
Quotes from "Luanne Virgin 2.0"
Written by Kit Boss
Directed by Adam Kuhlman
ZACK: No hard feelings, but it's over, Linda.
LUANNE: If Zack had told me he was going to act like such a butt, I would've never slept with him.
REVEREND STROUP: Mr. and Mrs. Hill, are you willing to be Luanne's virginity sponsors?
REVEREND STROUP: Who's ready to engage in a frank and open discussion of fornication?
ASSISTANT PASTOR LARRY: We're going to kick things off by testifying to the number of sexual partners each of us has had: Four. So close to five... Hank?
PEGGY: He said, "Peggy, I think I might be gay." And this was back when being gay in Texas
was not as much fun as it is now. We decided the only way to know for sure was to test him with Peggy Platter. So we went back to his place, gently pushed aside his decorative throw pillows, and ... ho yeah.
LUANNE: Woo-hoo! I'm a virgin!
HANK: All right, everyone here who hasn't had pre-marital sex gets ice cream!
NANCY (after much deliberation): Well, I wouldn't tell him.
LUANNE: No sex equals great sex! No sex equals great sex!
CONNIE: I am not having sex until at least my sophomore year at Harvard.
HANK: Boy, we're lucky. When we were eighteen, we were already married. Otherwise, who knows what kind of trouble we'd have gotten into -- with each other, of course. Thank God for my free-weights and your strong moral fiber.
HANK: This is my niece Luanne. She loves bowling and self-control.
RHETT: You wanna bowl? It's totally not a sin.
BOBBY: Oh, sure, TV and movies may make pre-marital sex look good, but it's dangerous! It's caused broken hearts, broken homes, depression.
HANK: Tonight's the night of the Abstinence Dance. I promised Luanne I'd help her and Rhett chaperone -- you know, make sure the kids have a good time, but not a great one.
DOOLEY: I saw her panties.
LUANNE: I feel so safe with you, Rhett. With Rad, my last committed on-again off-again
relationship, everything we did always seemed to lead to sex.
LUANNE: Don't you want me to get married?
HANK: You stay here and think about what you did -- and what I didn't get to do.
LUANNE: The guy at the rental place said that most of the women who wore this dress are still married.
LUANNE: I'm gonna be Mrs. Rhett Vandergraaf.
RHETT: I'm sorry, Mr. Hill, I've waited 22 years, I couldn't wait another week.
PEGGY: Listen to me, Luanne, getting married just so you can have sex is a big mistake. If I had married the first person I slept with, I would have married Wayne Trotter. I never would have gone sock-skating with Hank on the linoleum of our first studio apartment. I would have missed the way he tosses and turns the night before Flag Day -- the pride I felt the first time he used one of my shirts as a rag. If I had done what you're thinking of doing, Luanne, I never would have met the love of my life.
LUANNE: Aunt Peggy was right. We were just getting married so we could fornicate without you or God gettin' mad at us. But you and Aunt Peggy are the ones who should be fornicatin'.
HANK: Peggy, I can see your whatnots.
LUANNE: I think someone's going to lose her virginity. Not me! No, no! Aunt Peggy!