The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "The Witches of East Arlen"

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Quotes from "The Witches of East Arlen"
Written by Sivert Glarum & Michael Jamin
Directed by Matt Engstrom

DOOLEY: I'm in a dance number.

HANK: If you ask me, there might be a silver lining to him not being a dancing cowboy.

HANK: Ah, the flea market. It's like America's garage.

BOBBY: Hey, what are those?
MAN: Those are tarot cards. People use them to tell the future.
BOBBY: They're like baseball cards for Hobbits!

HANK: Dammit, Dale, I told you to stop painting your house number on my curb.
DALE: Sorry, Hank, but I gotta lay low for a while. You have no idea how far the jackals at the Franklin Mint will go to collect a debt.

HANK: See, Bobby? I knew you'd find your thing. And doesn't that sound like more fun than being in a musical about Oklahoma?

BOBBY: This looks like something out of Harry Potter.
WARD RACKLEY: Dude, I just vouched for you.
BOBBY: Uh... if Harry Potter went to hell.

WARD RACKLEY: This, Bobby, is nutmeg. And we use this spice for...
BOBBY: Oh, I remember... give me a second... invincibility.
WARD RACKLEY: Resplendent! The spices sit easily upon you.
SPICE STORE GUY: Oh, you boys are making a cake?
BOBBY: Yeah -- a cake of tremendous power!
WARD RACKLEY: Score one for the acolyte!

(Hank notices the price sticker on Bobby's "Magick" book)
HANK: Forty-five dollars!? The family Bible cost less than that, and it was written by Jesus!

WARD RACKLEY: Our kind have always been persecuted by those who understand not. From the Salem witch trials of the 1600s to the locker-room beatings and swirlies of today. 'Tis all one.

PEGGY: Hank, I may be a mother, but I am still a woman, and I know a girl repellent when I see it. I want grandchildren! Will you fix this?

HANK: You're Ward Rackley?
WARD RACKLEY: It's one of my many monikers, yes. I am also known as Manolgar of the North Woods, and in certain circles, Austin Aussman Straklabartar.
HANK: How old are you? 30? 40?
WARD RACKLEY: Not even close. I am 5000.
HANK: Don't you have any friends your own age? Someone to drink with? Maybe a girlfriend?
WARD RACKLEY: And waste my seed on a common harlot? Not likely. When the time is right, a maiden will be delivered up to me. Probably from the East.
HANK: Some of this isn't your fault. I mean, a man can only take so many wedgies before he goes to pieces.

HANK: This is a carburetor. Take it apart. Put it back together. Repeat until you're normal.
BOBBY: But Dad, the dark arts are nothing to be afraid of.
HANK: I'm not afraid of that garbage. I'm afraid of you getting your ass kicked every day for the rest of your life because you found a new way to act like a nerd.
BOBBY: Ward said you wouldn't understand.
HANK: Bobby, you don't need a crystal ball to see Ward's future. He's going to live with his mother until she dies, and maybe for a few weeks after.

WARD RACKLEY: You are the chosen one, Bobby. From here on and for all time, you will be known as "Robert the Dog-Quaffer."

JOHN REDCORN: Have you checked out John Redcorn's New Age Healing Center? You really should. On Friday nights, John Redcorn and his band, Big Mountain Fudge Cake, will be playing. I'm John Redcorn.

BOBBY: You can't tell anyone this. Promise me.
JOHN REDCORN: Bobby, I give you my oath as a New Age healer.

NO'RAM WOODBINDER: Destroyus Bobbyus Hillus! Destroyus Bobbyus Hillus!

BOBBY: You guys are so nerdy, even I feel like giving you a wedgie.

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