Quotes from "Yard, She Blows!"
Written by Sivert Glarum & Michael Jamin
Directed by Allan Jacobsen
HANK: Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow a lawn?
PEGGY: Just look at these drapes and tell me they're not real velvet. Beautiful and fire retardant. Interesting story... I bought these the day John Lennon was shot.
BOOMHAUER: Dang ol' lotta flowers, man. Talkin' 'bout Algernon, man, dang ol' Cliff Robertson, tell you what... dang ol' five cents a minute.
HANK: Yeah, Peggy's sprucing up the front yard a bit.
DALE: Gee, Hank, if your wife wants to screw something up, why can't she just stick to Bobby?
MINH: Listen to your husband, Peggy Hill. If there's one thing that brillo-haired hillbilly know how to do, it's farm.
KAHN: Oh my God, Hank, she just touched your arm. Quick, amputate!
PEGGY: Excuse me, do you know of a plant that can withstand over-watering, inadequate fertilization, and perhaps some over-zealous pruning?
TEENAGE CLERK: Yeah, they're called weeds.
PEGGY: Great, give me a tray of... (realizing) You know, hotshot, you may think you have the world by the tail right now, making five dollars an hour, with that ridiculous red vest --
LUANNE: Just give us a flat of impatiens.
PEGGY (to clerk): I'm not done with you, Pimples!
BOBBY: We have a garden gnome!
HANK: Oh, boy.
BOBBY: I shall call him "Vandor."
PEGGY: You will call him Winklebottom, like everyone else.
BILL: Hank likes the gno-ome. Hank likes the gno-ome.
HANK: I do not like the gnome, Bill.
BILL: Hanky and gnomey, sitting in a tree...
HANK: That's it! I'm kicking your ass!
SALLY: Let me offer up a little tip. Your Winklebottom is facing southeast. Technically he should face north.
PEGGY: Wonderful! Why?
SALLY: Well, that's where they're more apt to find tree moss, which is how they make their delicious gnome tea.
PEGGY: That is so charming.
HANK: No it's not.
PEGGY: Garden Gnome Fact # 28: At night, Garden Gnomes are quite lively. But they turn to stone the second daylight hits them.
BOBBY: I love it! Hey, maybe tonight we should leave out a snack plate for old Winklebottom. Perhaps a fruit pie?
PEGGY: No, Bobby. Winklebottom would like mushrooms and dandelions and a thimbleful of peppermint schnapps.
HANK: I need a gnome. Not just any gnome, a Winklebottom.
SALES MANAGER: A Winklebottom? Why not just ask me to move a rainbow?
HANK: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or just weird.
SALES MANAGER: That's an antique Figgleforth. True, he looks very similar to Winklebottom, but let me warn you: completely different personality.
BLANCHE: I bet this joker doesn't even know where gnomes come from, or how they say good night to each other, or what it means when they shave their mustache and not their beard?
HANK: All right, you got me: I'm not a dork, I sell propane.
SALES MANAGER: Come back and see us again.
HANK: I don't think so.
SALES MANAGER: I was talking to Figgleforth.