January 30, 2001

Thanks for the welcome back everyone! I enjoyed reading your emails... :) It’s been an exciting couple of days for me because the diet is going strong and I stepped on that treadmill last night for the first time in many, many, many months! So what plan am I using? Well, I’m using a combination plan of the weight watchers diet mixed in with a balanced diet. For breakfast I will have 3 egg whites fried up like an egg, 2 melba toast, 4 oz. of milk, and half of a grapefruit. At 10:00 am, I have a snack of a popcorn rice cake or a fruit. For lunch, I will eat a lean cuisine meal with a veggie and a fruit. Dinner I will have a protein like chicken, with vegetables and a glass of oj. So that is my plan and so far I am sticking to it. It feels good to be back on the treadmill. I felt awful guilty having it sit there in the corner. I have it in my computer room so I crank up my music library on the computer and I listen to some Hendrix, Kid Rock, and the Police, music helps out a ton. Tomorrow, I am going to stop by the local high school because I hear they have open swim so I will be back in the pool again. YEAH!

Okay new outfit: I chose a size 16 liz claiborne dress that I got at hudsons for a whopping $2! This is my outfit of choice that I will be able to wear by mid August. I’m not going to stress numbers but I would like to see this dress fit me like a dress and not a bathing suit (doesn’t it look like a bathing suit on me?). So watch for my progress pics in the comming future. I will put them on a new page as soon as possible but this will work for now.

Remember a couple of months ago I chatted about a social worker who wasn’t watching her boundaries? Well she supposively “Resigned” yesterday at 10:00 am. Though it looks like she got the old boot. I didn’t care for her much because she was emeshed with clientel. Work is going good and no complaints there. Well that’s it for me today, take care all- Kellie

January 27, 2001

So are you prepared for the Superbowl? I have my shrimp cocktail ring and some baked lays so I think I will be careful. There are some hot wings around but I’m going to avoid them like the plague tomorrow. Even though tomorrow is the Superbowl, I’m actually more fired up for the Survivor show because I was hooked last summer on it. I hated that Rich won…he was so undeserving of it!

I got a $50 gap card from a company a few months back and I’ve been walking around with it for months. Occasionally, I go in the store and check to see if they have anything for me but of course, they don’t carry anything for women over the size of 16 (though their website carries stuff for women up to the size 20). So today I finally bought some clearance stuff for ebay and I bought my dream outfit: a size 14 black pants and a purple stretch silk top that I would like to be into by next January…one year, can I do it? Yup, I can.

I have to make an appointment to go to the doctor. I’ve been feeling kind of odd lately and I want to know what’s up and I’ve had two panic attacks (severe ones) in the last two weeks. So it’s either the panic attacks or possibly something else but I need a diagnosis for a peace of mind. I think it’s panic disorder because when I was on that crazy Atkins diet, I had a severe reaction to those pills and since then, the doctors told me it was a panic attack, everything was fine before that incident. After that I started to get these “Panic Attacks” in grad school, movie theatres, driving a car, in the mall, and small shopping stores. Today, I actually had two separate panic attacks; one my truck when Shawn was driving and the other one in goodwill…my mind started to race and my heartbeat was up. It seems like my average bpm is around 85 – 95. I don’t know if this is because I’m overweight that my bpm is high but when I have my panic attacks it feels like my heart is just beating out of chest or it could be a medical condition…but I’m afraid of doctors…oh, I hate going to see a doctor but if something is wrong with me, they might help or at least provide me with answers. Well have a great Sunday all, take care- Kellie

January 25, 2001

HELLO! I’m back…Okay so where the hell have I been? Well I would like to know the answer to that question too. Hum, I have no excuses but the simple fact was that I gave up on myself (for a little while there). I was wallowing in self-pity and partaking in self-destructive manners…I know how to do this well at times. The social worker therapist in me said “Kellie, get off your ass and do something” but the FAT KELLIE said, here take this and pacify yourself…and that is what I have been doing for the last few weeks, well up until last Monday. Okay the facts, I have gained because of my poor choices. I’m sitting at 210 pounds according to my new bathroom scale. Okay so I experienced a slight mishap in my weightloss journey…something that some experience and either you get through it or you gain your weight back. Well, I gained some weight back but I am opting out of staying at 210 pounds because by golly that scale is going to go down. I could pick apart myself to death here and continue to wallow in the self-pity that got me here but you know what folks, I’m not going to do that. I’m going to work through my issues right now and continue to be successful in losing weight.

So what went wrong? Well, I’ve been eating like a pig. Yes, A P-I-G PIG! I was doing this because I honestly been in a funk since moving back to Michigan. I feel like I have lost myself and I’m looking to discover myself again. Since moving back to Michigan, I’ve done nothing for myself to make myself feel good. (except going to goodwill and that doesn’t really help) I want to feel good again because I know I can do it. So what am I doing about it? Well, I’m back on WW mixed in with a lot of fruits and vegetables and chicken no goodies. I’m also trying to give my mental health a boost because you know what, I feel pretty confused in my life right now and that is totally feeding into my weight problem. This is how I got heavy now how can I get out of self-destructive modes? Well, I have to start exercising again. There is a pool down the road and on Monday, I’m going to hit it. My lap days are a coming. I think I will swim MWF and on T, TH, SA I will walk because I need that outlet in my life. I’m hanging in there but I must admit, it’s difficult but I have the desire to go after what I want and I can accomplish this goal. I will be able to get things in control again…because I’ve done it before. It might be a little more difficult at this time in my life but I can do it. Take care-Kellie, Oh, Thanks Cally for the swift kick!