[NOTE: This fan-fiction is the conclusion of the story I began in "Rain on
Your Parade." If you haven't read that one first, you won't know what the
hell is going on. If you *have* read it first, you also won't know what the
hell is going on, but you will have a lot more fun not knowing what the hell
is going on than you would if you *hadn't* read it first.]
First off, let me say that I love the TV show just the way it is, and
have tried to be as true as possible to it here, keeping the general
style and plotline in the direction the show's writers seem to have
their minds set on. You won't find the start of any outrageous story
arcs, new major characters or departures in style from the "Daria" we
all know and love. Please let me know how close I got. (And if you're
from MTV, I should mention I'd love to do this for a living.)
"RoYP" made a lot of promises at the end. I hope I can live up to them
with this one, I certainly tried.
(Skip the opening montage with Splendora's theme song. Open with an overhead
shot of the Lawndale Days parade, from "Rain on Your Parade", launching into
one of those rapid-cut summaries designed to quickly reinforce the basic plot
points of the story's prior half. [Sorry, I just *had* to do one of these!])
DARIA'S VOICE: (Off-screen, monotone.) Previously on "Daria"...
(Cut to Jane and Daria at Village Green, Thursday.)
JANE: Trent considers Lawndale Days one of his best shots at a big-time
(Cut to Jake and Helen, in the kitchen in their bedclothes, late Thursday.)
JAKE: (Frustrated.) I've worked half my life away, I've never gotten to
really enjoy myself!
(Daria and Quinn fighting over the upstairs bathroom.)
QUINN: (Seriously angry.) I *hate* you, Daria!
(Lawndale High, Friday, Upchuck emerging from Ms Li's office.)
UPCHUCK: (Suddenly grins, plotting, rubs his hands together.) Vengeance
shall be mine. Oh, yes.
(Daria, Jane and Jodie at Daria's locker.)
JODIE: (To Daria, desperate.) Just help me out this one last time, and I
swear to God I won't ask for anything else for at least two months.
(Daria in the band room, on cymbals, crashing them to shut everyone up.)
(Ms Li on the phone in her office, Ted coming through the door.)
LI: C.J., it's Angela. Do we still have a deal on the talent show?
(Jake and Helen in the living room, Saturday afternoon.)
HELEN: You need to relax, honey. The festivities will do you some good.
(Jake and Helen watching the parade.)
JAKE: (Half-mutters.) Stupid parade. Reminds me of the stupid marches we
had to do in the stupid military school--
(Daria and Jodie getting on the band float. Ripping sound as Daria bends
over to get her cymbals.)
JODIE: (Checks Daria's rear, covers her mouth, gasps.) Oh my God, right
down the seat.
(Jake shouting to the sky.)
JAKE: YOU HEAR THAT, OLD MAN?! YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME ANYMORE!!
(Helen attempting to follow Jake after he's taken off to relive his
HELEN: Jake, come back!
(Closeup of the band's float, Daria with her jacket tied around her waist,
expressionless, Jodie on trombone.)
(Helen still looking for Jake, after dark.)
HELEN: Jake? Jake, where the hell are you?
(Mystik Spiral at the talent show, ready to play.)
TRENT: I'd like to thank my sister Janey and her friend Daria for providing
(Daria's look of amazement/guilt as he says this.)
(Lawndale's mayor onstage.)
MAYOR: This year's runner up is... Mystik Spiral!
(The Fashion Club in the beer tent.)
SANDI: What are you *waiting* for, Quinn?
(Quin slowly lifts the glass to her lips and takes a first drink.)
MAYOR: (Announcing the $1000 cash prize.) Lawndale High's "Thunderer"
(Excited looks from Jodie, Alicia and Greg, the two girls exchange hugs.)
(Talent show, backstage, Ms Li handing "C.J." an envelope of money.)
LI: Pleasure doing business with you, C.J.
(Bright, brief camera-flash, illuminating the pair just long enough to
reveal Ms Li and her partner-in-crime, Reinhardt.)
LI: (Whirls around just in time to see a figure vanish behind some bushes.)
What the *HELL*?!
(Daria coming up with the rest of the group to claim the prize. Trent
glances over, does a double-take toward Daria, who tries hard not to look
DARIA: (Close-up, she slowly lifts her head, crushed.) Trent...
TRENT: (Close-up, genuine surprise as he recognizes her in band clothes for
the first time.) *Daria*...?
(Zoom in slowly on Daria's devastated expression. When she's close enough
that only the top half of her head fits into the frame, bring in the closing
licks of the theme song, pull back to display the show's logo and the episode
title in the regular fashion.)
(...la la LA la la...)
Daria in "Quinntet" (Part 2 of 2)
C.E. Forman (email@example.com)
BEGIN ACT 1.
EXT.: BEER TENT. EVENING.
(Three-quarters overhead shot, slow zoom. As the entrance to the beer tent
nears, music and voices become audible.)
(MUSIC: "Brown Derby Jump" by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.)
INT.: BEER TENT.
(Quinn drains a second mug, thumps it down on the picnic table in a show of
superiority toward Sandi, who's only halfway through her second.)
TIFFANY: (Impressed.) Wow. You're really good at that, Quinn.
(Vicious warning look from Sandi.)
TIFFANY: (Contrite, to Sandi.) Umm... for her first time, I mean.
SANDI: (Snide.) Gee, if Quinn's so *good* at everything, maybe we should
just make *her* president of the Fashion Club!
QUINN: (Knows an opportunity when she sees one.) Oh, Sandi, I'd be
*honored*! I promise I'll try really hard to be as fair and noble
a leader as you. (Wicked smile.) So when can I start?
(Sandi fumes silently. Stacy arrives back at the table with two mugs in
each hand, passing them around.)
SANDI: (Good chance to change the topic.) God, Stacy, where *were* you?
STACY: (Looks about half-guilty at Sandi's tone.) Bathroom. There was a
line. (Offers Quinn a mug.) Want some more, Quinn?
QUINN: (Thinks she's had enough.) Umm, not right now. Maybe later.
SANDI: (Bound and determined to one-up Quinn tonight.) *I'll* have another
(Stacy sets a mug down for Sandi.)
QUINN: (Gets that competitive look in her eyes.) Me too.
EXT.: VILLAGE GREEN, BEHIND THE STAGE.
(Further back, away from everyone else. Closeup of Ted. He glances around
furtively, then drops a big wad of chewed gum and some empty wrappers on the
ground, which tells us what he was off doing when he should've been onstage.
There's no sign of his camera anywhere.)
EXT.: VILLAGE GREEN, NEAR THE STAGE.
(In back of the row of chairs, Kevin and Brittany are walking together.)
BRITTANY: Can we find a bathroom, Kevvie? I really have to go.
KEVIN: Sure thing, babe! (Looks, points to one side of the stage.) Hey,
there's some over there! (Leads her that way.)
BRITTANY: (Sees, balks.) Ewww, porta-potties? Don't be disgusting, Kevin!
KEVIN: Aww, c'mon, babe! It's just like a regular toilet except you can't
flush! Now d'you hafta go or not?
BRITTANY: (Little squeal, launches into an airhead thought-spiel.) I *do*
really hafta go but I don't wanna use those things but I'm afraid
if I try to find another bathroom I won't be able to and *then*
I'll have to come all the way back here and use these *anyway*
and by that time I'll have to go even *worse* and what if I come
back and they all have someone in them, oh Kevvie I just don't
know what do *DO*!!
KEVIN: (Looks at the row of red "occupied" signs on the latches.) Ummm,
babe? I think they all have someone in them *now*.
BRITTANY: (Frustration.) OOOHH!!
(Jodie and the rest of the band members replace their instruments in their
cases. Ted emerges out of the shadows, looking guilty. As inconspicuously
as possible, he joins the rest of the group.)
JODIE: Anybody wanna go for ice cream?
ALICIA: (The other girl from Jodie's group, recall.) Sure.
GREG: (Other guy from Jodie's group.) Yeah.
TED: Do they still have the kind with bubblegum in it?
(Cut back to the Village Green as they emerge from backstage. The crowd has
dispersed. Jodie looks this way and that, searching. From the other end of
the stage, Mystik Spiral -- with Jane -- sees them and approaches. Jodie
JANE: (To Jodie.) Hey Jodie, have you seen Daria?
JODIE: I was hoping you knew where she was. I saw her backstage right after
the show. Ted, did you see where she went?
GREG: Yeah, where were you, man? You missed our big moment.
TED: (Guilty.) I, umm, had to... use the bathroom.
JANE: (Looking further down the walk.) There's Kevin, maybe he knows.
(Jodie, Jane and the rest of the band group head toward Kevin.)
TRENT: (To Nicholas and Max.) You guys wanna load up the Tank? Me and
Jess'll meet you at the tent later.
(Trent and Jesse follow them, leaving Nick and Max. Cut to Kevin, in front
of the porta-potties, waiting for Brittany.)
JODIE: Hey, Kevin, did you just see Daria Morgendorffer anywhere?
KEVIN: Umm... no. But, you know, she sorta blends in so like, nobody notices
her. So maybe she was here, I dunno.
JANE: (Dryly.) You're a life-saver, Kevin.
TRENT: Got any money, Janey?
(Jane signs, digs in her pocket, hands Trent a few bills. Mack catches up
MACK: Hey, Jodie, you guys sounded great!
JODIE: We're gonna get some ice cream, wanna come?
KEVIN: Ice cream sounds cool! (He starts to follow them.)
BRITTANY: (High-pitched squeal, from inside one of the stalls.) Kevvie!
What about *me*!?
KEVIN: (Duh.) Oh. Right. Catch ya later, Mack Daddy!
MACK: (To Jodie, as they turn to go.) God I wish he wouldn't call me that.
JANE: (Smiles.) Just tell yourself: No single second is unendurable by
MACK: Really Zen, Jane.
(Mack heads off with Jodie's group and Jane, leaving only Kevin, Trent and
TRENT: (He and Jesse prepare to vacate the Green themselves. Trent looks
troubled.) Man, Jess. I can't *believe* we ended up in second place.
JESSE: (Easy tone.) Me either. That was totally unexpected. Like one of
those things you can't even tell how it happened.
TRENT: Yeah. And Daria got first. I never would've seen that coming.
JESSE: Not in a million years.
TRENT: I could use a drink.
(They're gone, but someone *else* who's looking for someone spots Kevin.)
HELEN: Kevin? Kevin Thompson, is that you?
KEVIN: Oh, hey Mrs M.
HELEN: (Dispensing with the formalities.) Have you by any chance seen my
husband around here anywhere?
KEVIN: Umm... you mean, Mr Morgendorffer?
HELEN: (Impatient sigh.) *Yes*.
KEVIN: Huh-uh. But, you know, he sorta blends in so it's like, nobody
notices him. So he could've been here, I guess.
(As Kevin is talking, Brittany emerges from the stall, sees Helen,
automatically assumes Kevin is cheating on her.)
BRITTANY: (Angry.) Kevin! What are you *doing*!? I leave you alone for
five minutes and you're flirting with another woman?! (Beat.)
An *older* woman, even! *Oooohhh!!*
KEVIN: Jeez, chill, babe! This is Quinn's mom!
BRITTANY: Ah-*ha*, so *that's* your little game, is it? Get all cozy with
the family so you can start going out with *Quinn* behind my back!
You... you... *scoundrel*!!
(She slaps him, storms off.)
KEVIN: Ba-AAAABE!! (Goes after her.)
HELEN: (Calls after Kevin.) Well if you see him, tell him I'm looking for
him! (Out loud, to herself.) What a nice young man. I don't know
why Daria can't find a decent guy like that... (Sighs, back to
searching for Jake.)
(Everyone's gone; the Green is silent. One of the porta-potty doors creaks
open, and a Doc Martens boot sets down. After peeking around to make sure
everyone's gone, out steps Daria, changed back into her traditional black
skirt and green jacket. She carries her band uniform in her change-of-
clothes sack and has the cymbal case in her other hand. She's overheard
Trent's words and seems to have detected some animosity in it, as she looks
absolutely heartbroken. Of course, Helen's couldn't have helped.)
(MUSIC: "Love Rollercoaster", by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Jake is riding
the merry-go-round, on one of the horseys that go up and down.)
JAKE: (Having the time of his life.) *YEEEEEE*-HAAA!! (Lets go of the
pole, turns to the kids beside him.) Look, no hands!
(Tempting fate, he loses his balance and yelps, falling off the horse.)
JAKE: (Flat on his face.) Ahhhh, *dammit*! (Gets to his feet, wounded
pride.) Maybe I'll just... sit down for awhile.
(He moves to one of the stationary benches, takes a seat.)
CHILDRENS' VOICES: (Unison, oozing politeness.) Hi, Mr Morgendorffer!
(Jake brightens again at the sight of the Gupty kids, Tricia and Tad.)
JAKE: Oh, hi, kids! What's up?
TRICIA: (Proudly.) We're supporting the local festivities!
TAD: (Likewise.) We're taking an active role in our community! (Gets up on
his knees, points to the bench behind them.) Mom and Dad suggested it!
LESTER: (Mr Gupty.) Hi there, Jake!
LAUREN: (Mrs Gupty.) How are those unresolved childhood issues coming?
JAKE: (Not about to tell them the truth.) Ummm... fine, just... great.
LESTER: Well that's good to hear. Listen, could we ask a favor from you?
Lauren and I wanted to look at the craft show, for some more cute
things for the yard. Could you spare an hour or so to watch the
JAKE: (Enthusiastic.) Sure, be glad to!
LAUREN: Thanks so much.
(The merry-go-round slows to a stop. Lauren and Lester disembark, Jake and
the children remain seated, take out tickets for another ride.)
TRICIA: Are you really Daria's Dad?
JAKE: Sure am! (Points to the horses.) How come you're not up there with
the other kids?
TAD: (Matter-of-fact.) The exploitation of animals is wrong.
TRICIA: We're making our beliefs known through nonviolent protest.
TAD: It was Mom and Dad's idea.
LAUREN: You kids be good for Mr Morgendorffer. And what's the vocabulary
word of the night?
LESTER: (Pleased.) Right! See you later, kids!
TAD & TRICIA: (Unison.) Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!
(As soon as their parents are out of sight, the Gupty kids put on impish
looks and each climb up on a horse -- Daria and Jane's teachings are still
JAKE: (Climbs onto a horse himself, watching them go, projecting his anger
at his own parents onto them.) *That's* the spirit, kids! Parents
*never* let anyone have any fun. Believe me, I know! So don't listen
to a word they say!
TRICIA: Wow, you really *are* Daria's Dad!
EXT.: HIGH HILLS PARK.
(Daria, putting her band uniform and cymbals into the backseat of the red
convertible, hears Brittany's squeaky giggle, glances over her shoulder,
hurt. Kevin and Brittany, all snuggly-close once again, pass by Mr
DeMartino. He's got on his tall chef's hat and apron and is roasting a
chicken over a spit.)
DEMARTINO: (Closes the rotisserie lid.) Well, well. If it isn't two of my
most lackaDAISical pupils, KEVin and BRITtany, once again gracing
me with their PRESENCE!
KEVIN: (Didn't immediately recognize him with the hat.) Um, hey, Mr D!
DEMARTINO: I might have anTICIpated your membership amongst the raucous
THRONG at this FEEDing ground for hordes of RIFF-raff, gathered
to celebrate the continual deCLINE of our civilizATION!
KEVIN: Yeah. So how come you're here?
DEMARTINO: (Sighs.) I was HOPING to recapture my former days of iDYLLIC
naivete... I was so much more reLAXED back then... hmmmm...
(Close-up of Mr DeMartino, deep in thought.)
EXT.: A PARK SOMEWHERE, MAYBE LAWNDALE, MAYBE NOT. LATE 1950's/EARLY 1960's.
(MUSIC: "It Ain't You", Squirrel Nut Zippers. Loop the bassy part at the
beginning, before the vocals.)
(A young Anthony DeMartino sits in a circle with a number of beatnik
companions. He has a beard and holds a pair of bongos, which he taps as
he speaks. He's dressed in khakis, a sweater, and sandals. Adorning his
head is a chapeau, slightly askew.)
FEMALE BEATNIK: Stratospheric, Tony my man! (Shakes a tambourine.)
MALE BEATNIK: Way, *way* out.
YOUNG DEMARTINO: (Still does the eye-twitch thing as he talks, the other
'niks jump at the sound of his word overemphasis.) Yeah...
I do so DIG this freaky beat. It really puts me in TOUCH
with my INNER eMOtions. (Raps the bongos repeatedly.)
MALE BEATNIK: (Reacting to the harshness in his tone.) Hey, chill, daddy-o.
Like, lay off those squaresville social inhibitions.
FEMALE BEATNIK: Yeah, relax... think beautiful thoughts...
YOUNG DEMARTINO: HEY, I'm COOL, I'm HEP, can you *DIG IT*?!
(This scares the rest of them away. Alone, he closes his eyes, snaps his
fingers quietly several times. His eye twitches again.)
YOUNG DEMARTINO: (Much subdued.) Oh yeah. I can dig it.
EXT.: HIGH HILLS PARK.
DEMARTINO: (Wistful look, or what passes for one on him.) Ahh, those were
the days. (Picks up a CD case from nearby.) Where did it all
start to CHANGE?
(He lifts a CD into the portable player he's got on the table behind, sending
opera music drifting over the park, then opens the rotisserie lid to poke the
chicken with a fork.)
BRITTANY: (Reacting to his taste in music.) Ewww, what's *that*?!
DEMARTINO: (Dry, knowing she doesn't have any serious interest.) That is
XERXes, Brittany. As performed by the BaVARian State Opera
Chorus and ORchestra!
KEVIN: Cool! (Points to the chicken.) Can I try a piece?
(Kevin pays, and DeMartino gets a paper plate, brandishes a knife with such
abruptness that Kevin and Brittany jump, slices some off and hands it to
Kevin. Brittany pays too, and he tears off a drumstick for her.)
KEVIN: (Eating.) Mmm! Xerxes tastes like chicken, Mr D!
DEMARTINO: (Sour expression, eyes narrowed.) Kevin, do you AGREE an
immediate cessATION of my attempts to meaningfully commUNICATE
with you would be considered a WISE MANEUVER?!
KEVIN: Ummm... yes?
DEMARTINO: VERy good, Kevin!
KEVIN: (Mouth full of chicken.) Thanks!
EXT.: BEER TENT.
(Daria, looking down, passes by the entrance and almost runs into a group
coming from the other direction.)
YET ANOTHER FAMILIAR VOICE: Hey, watch it!
(It's Chad [from "Weighting to Exhale"], with each arm around a girl. He
leads them through the open tent flap. Daria's expression melts into a
really sour one at the sight of him. She turns, and practically runs into:)
UPCHUCK: (Carrying his case of Fuzzy Wuzzy WeeBits. Excessively modest.)
Oh, pardon *me*, my beauteous creature of femininity!
DARIA: (In no mood for even a little humorous sarcasm.) Get the hell away
from me, Upchuck.
UPCHUCK: Your wish is my command, fair one! (Lowers his voice as Daria
pushes past him.) For I have... other matters to attend to.
(MUSIC: "Firestarter", The Prodigy.)
INT.: BEER TENT.
(The nameless popular girl from "The Invitation" is here. [This is another
character I wish they'd bring back.] She's pointing people out to the
newly-arrived Chad and his escorts.)
POPULAR GIRL: (Points as she talks.) Now she's really drunk, even though
*she's* had a lot more. Those two just got here, and *that*
guy's just pretending to drink so he'll fit in. *She* passed
out like half an hour ago. (Points to the Fashion Club.)
Those four have been at it for awhile now, and I think the
valley girl and the redhead are having like a contest or
something. *He* couldn't even get in with that lame fake ID--
EXT.: MR FUN'S EXCITING WORLD OF GAMES.
(MUSIC: "Phoebus Apollo", Carl Cox. Faint, then much louder as we:)
INT.: MR FUN'S.
(Tad and Trisha lead Jake through the door. He looks around, gawking at
all the loud sounds and blinky lights, making it painfully obvious he's out-
JAKE: Wow, you guys were right! This looks like a great place to become a
kid again! Let's have some *fun*!
(He searches his pockets for quarters, picks a machine at random. Before
he can drop in a coin, the arcade operator -- the one running the VR in
"The New Kid" -- stops him.)
ARCADE OPERATOR: Machines here don't take quarters, old-timer.
JAKE: (Swirls around, taking immediate offense.) "Old-timer"!?
TAD: (Tugs on Jake's sleeve.) We've gotta get tokens, Mr Morgendorffer.
JAKE: Oh. Okay, how much?
ARCADE OPERATOR: (Tired tone, like he has to explain this to yet *another*
newbie.) Two for a buck, a dozen for five. Most of the
machines here take at least two tokens so make sure you get
enough. Oh, and no refunds either.
JAKE: (Digs out his wallet, a bit gouged.) Damn. Fun's expensive.
EXT.: STREET, LINED WITH SKILL-GAME BOOTHS.
(Daria, now carrying a Slush Cup, takes another blow to the self-esteem as
she sees Ted at a booth with Alicia, both of them obviously having a good
TED: (To Alicia, as he throws three balls in quick succession, knocking over
three stacks of milk bottles.) See? The necessary acceleration of the
ball is simply its mass divided into my force vector! (Explains.) My
parents took me to England when I was 12, and I got to study Sir Isaac
Newton's original writings! (Spots Daria.) Oh, hi, Daria! You sounded
really good tonight!
DARIA: (Striving for emotional detachment.) Mm. Thanks.
(The game operator hands Ted a stuffed animal from the rows in back. Alicia
already has about three.)
ALICIA: Howcome you didn't come with Jodie and us for ice cream?
DARIA: (Not about to discuss the real reason.) I, umm, had to... use the
TED: (Back to the game.) One more and we can trade them in for that big
gumball machine! (To Daria.) Turns out Alicia really likes gum, too!
[Have I done enough gum jokes, do you think?]
(Poor Daria walks off, just miserable. A passing Ms Morris sees Ted knock
down another stack.)
MORRIS: Hey, good arm there! Ever thought about joining baseball?
EXT: SIDEWALK, EDGE OF HIGH HILLS PARK.
(Helen sits on a park bench, one of her shoes off, rubbing the sole, resting
after a long, unsuccessful search for Jake. Mr O'Neill happens by.)
HELEN: (She practically leaps up and grabs him.) Mr O'Neill?
O'NEILL: (Yelps as he sees who it is.) Aaah! (Cowers.) Don't hurt me!
HELEN: Have you seen my husband around anywhere?
(But he's already fled in terror, into the park. Helen sighs, sits back
EXT.: VILLAGE GREEN.
(Dissolve to a pan shot, moving past the Green, slowly down one of the
streets, past rows of carnival games and rides. Outside McGrundy's Brew
Pub, stop, zoom in on the shadowy mouth of the alley, fading the fair-music
and people-noise. Dimly visible in the carnival-light, Daria sits
disconsolately on a crate, arms on her knees, Slush Cup in hand.)
DARIA: (Sighs. Out loud, to herself.) It's my own damn fault. I'm always
letting myself get talked into these things. And now he hates me.
(Pause, she sips from the Slush Cup, then, dejectedly:) I don't even
care anymore. (Beat.) Wait a minute. If I don't care, why am I
sitting in an alley obsessing about this?
VOICE: (Female, familiar but we can't quite place it. [I promise: By the
first commercial break, you *will* know who this is! If you don't
already, a lot of people guessed.]) You realize talking to yourself
is the first sign of impending mental collapse.
(Someone steps into Daria's view from around the corner.)
DARIA: (Looks up as the shadow falls across her.) Oh, it's you.
VOICE: (Sardonic.) That's hardly any way to talk to your favorite--
DARIA: (Interrupts.) If you don't mind, I'd rather not talk at all
VOICE: Except to yourself, I take it. (Pause, neither of them speaks.)
Daria, you have to open up to someone sooner or later.
DARIA: (Angry, miserable.) My life's a constant stream of screw-ups, one
VOICE: (Sympathetic but jokingly.) Okay, that's perfectly normal, nothing
DARIA: (Hesitates.) Have you ever... had something start out so
insignificant you didn't even realize it, then before you know it
it's completely out of control...? (Trails off.) I can't even tell
where it started to go wrong.
(Daria's POV shot, which was edited out of "RoYP". She's in casual clothes
this time -- jeans and a sweater -- but Daria's mystery guest is immediately
recognizable as her aunt Amy. [There, happy?])
AMY: C'mon, tell me. Just start from the top.
(...la la LA la la...)
(COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Slow-motion, Daria peeking around the porta-potty door,
then stepping out.)
END ACT 1.
(COMMERCIAL: All kinds of shiny merchandise MTV's marketing department for
whatever reason thinks "Daria" fans might want to purchase: condoms, that
Pokemon virtual-pet thing, that new beverage that tastes like regular Pepsi
but with only One calorie [it really does, too!], "The Daria Database" [okay,
that one's understandable], and stuffed-crust pizza you're s'posed to eat
backwards cuz Crash Bandicoot says so.)
BEGIN ACT 2.
EXT.: HIGH HILLS PARK. SIX HOURS EARLIER, CRUCIAL SCENE I CUT FROM THE
FIRST PART TO MAINTAIN SUSPENSE.
(We're back to early afternoon. Daria and Jodie, in their band uniforms and
carrying their instrument cases -- and a change of clothes for Daria -- are
about to check out Jane's exhibit at the art show when a red convertible
pulls up to the curb beside them.)
(MUSIC: "God Damn Rock 'N' Roll" by the Cramps, from her radio.)
AMY: Daria? That you?
DARIA: (Double-take.) Aunt Amy?
AMY & DARIA: (Together.) What are *you* doing here?
DARIA: (Indicates her uniform.) I got recruited for the local freak show.
It's lousy work, but I get all the fish heads I want.
AMY: Ooh, eat 'em up, yum. (Remembering now.) That's right, Helen dragged
you guys out here from Texas earlier this year, didn't she? (Beat,
looks her up and down.) Hmm, you were dressed in a ridiculous outfit
the *last* time I saw you.
DARIA: (Smirks.) You could have just called, you know.
AMY: (Returns it.) What, and miss you making a public spectacle of yourself?
DARIA: Do Mom and Dad know you're here?
AMY: I told Helen I was coming just so she'd freak out and be unable to enjoy
herself. Truth be told I'd just as soon avoid her as well. Wasn't even
planning to watch the parade, but since you're here I'll make an
DARIA: (Points inside the park.) There are some rocks over there you could
throw at us.
AMY: (Takes Daria's clothes-change sack.) Here, you can leave that with me
if you want. (Puts it in the car.)
JODIE: (Touches Daria's shoulder.) C'mon, Jane wants to get a picture
before we get on the float.
DARIA: (To Amy, sardonic.) If you kill me now, you could stuff my body in
your trunk and no one would be the wiser.
EXT.: ALLEY BEHIND MCGRUNDY'S.
(Daria seated on the crate, Amy leaning against the wall beside it. Daria
has just finished telling the whole story of "RoYP".)
DARIA: The rest of the family has made fools of themselves onstage, I guess
tonight was my turn.
AMY: You really like this guy, don't you?
DARIA: (Uncomfortable with the topic.) Excuse me?
AMY: Okay, okay, I won't make you say it out loud.
DARIA: Thank you.
AMY: (Smirks.) After all, he might be listening.
DARIA: (Smiles despite herself. Daria must feel the bond with Amy, as she
decides to open up a bit more.) The thing is, I'm not even sure what
he thinks of me. He's told me I'm cool, but he doesn't seem to see
me as anything more than Jane's friend. I dunno. (Looks down at the
AMY: I'll assume you've already tried making the first move.
DARIA: All the time, but he never notices. I don't think the idea has even
occurred to him. He's hard to get close to.
AMY: Not like you.
DARIA: Okay, you got me there. (Hint of smile.) I think ripping my pants
may have been less humiliating than telling you this.
(Amy gives the same hint of a smile.)
INT.: BEER TENT.
(MUSIC: "American Pie", Don McLean.)
(Trent and Jesse enter.)
JESSE: Got any money?
TRENT: Borrowed some from Janey. (Hands money to Jesse.) Wanna get us a
JESSE: Sure, be right back.
(Trent sits at a vacant table next to the Fashion Club's. Quinn and Sandi
are in the middle of a snipe-fest. Both have clearly had several beers,
their speech is starting to get a bit slurred and their balance unsteady.)
SANDI: You know, Quinn, I'm beginning to think you *want* to disp--...
desp-- (Stumbles over the word "depose".) ...get rid of me as the
Fashion Club Pres'dent!
QUINN: (Innocence, melodramatic.) I was jus' *saying*, Sandi--
(Trent looks up. He recognizes that voice.)
QUINN: --you should gimme like a trial period to, like... (Her mind drowns
in the alcohol, she trails off, unable to finish the sentence.)
TRENT: (Stanging, goes over to Quinn.) Hey, aren't you Daria's sister?
QUINN: (Irritation.) My name's *Quinn*, you idiot.
SANDI: (Jumps on this.) Wha's he mean, "Daria's sister"? *I* never knew
you hadda sis'er, Quinn!
QUINN: (Still barely sober enough to catch herself.) Well she's... umm...
'way at college. In... Hawaii. She's lots older'n me, but she's...
really 'ttractive 'n' pop'lar too, we're a lot 'like.
TRENT: (Doesn't know about Sandi and Quinn's little game.) Huh?
STACY: (Studying Trent.) Howcome you have the same number of earrings in
TIFFANY: Yeah. And don't you know sideburns went out in the seventies?
(Jesse returns with two foaming mugs in each hand, stops as he sees Trent
at the F.C. table.)
JESSE: Why're you talking to *them*, man? They look really young.
TRENT: Oh, hey Jess. (Points to Quinn.) This is Daria's sister.
JESSE: Really? Hi, Daria's sister.
QUINN: *Excuse* me, my *name* is *Quinn*!
TRENT: So have you seen Daria anywhere?
SANDI: Why would she be here? (To Quinn, accusing.) I though' you jus' said
she was in *Hawaii*, or something! 're you *lying* to me, Quinn?
(Trent's eyes narrow. While he's not too keen on Quinn, it's obvious he
thinks even *less* of Sandi, likely remembering her cruel treatment of Daria
["All Washed Up"].)
QUINN: Of *course* not, Sandi! It's jus'... He, umm... has... amnesia.
Yeah. He f'rgets stuff a lot.
QUINN: (Quickly.) See?
TIFFANY: (To Trent, indicating the hole in his knee.) How *old* are those
STACY: (Helpful.) You know, Cashman's has 10% off on menswear every other
(Trent ignores them, focusing on the Sandi and Quinn thing, somewhat amused.)
SANDI: Y'know what *I* think, Quinn? I think that weird cousin or wha'ever
of yours 's really your *sister*, tha's what *I* think!
QUINN: (Her turn to play offense.) 'f I di'n't know be'er, Sandi, I'd swear
you're *trying* t'put me down, 'f I di'n't know better! (Stands,
wobbling a bit.) You been jealous of me from the day I moved here,
Sandi, you're 'fraid of me cuz I'm more 'ttractive 'n' pop'lar than
SANDI: Now that is *NOT* true, Quinn! (Fixes Quinn with a glare as she
tries to take another swallow from her mug. She doesn't quite make
it, sending beer dribbling down her front.)
QUINN: (Laughs, to Tiffany and Stacy.) OhmyGod, di' you *see* that? Sandi
jus' missed her *mouth*, I di'nt think tha' was *poss'ble*!
(Tiffany and Stacy laugh uproariously, making Sandi even more incensed.
Trent and Jesse chuckle.)
TRENT: (Appreciative.) Good one, Daria's sister.
QUINN: Thanks. (Tilts her head, smiles sweetly -- and drunkenly -- at
Trent.) Y'know, 'f we cleaned you up, you c'd be *really* cute!
Mebbe I'd ev'n go ou' with you.
TRENT: (Distaste.) I don't wanna go out with *you*.
SANDI: Oohmigod Tiff'ny did you jus' *hear* that? *Quinn* jus' got shot
down by a guy! (Sneers at Quinn.)
QUINN: Shuttup, Shandi!
(She swings a fist at Sandi, misses by a mile. Nick and Max, the two other
Mystik Spiral members, appear in the tent entrance. Jesse motions to them,
he and Trent move back to their original table.)
EXT.: STREET, LINED WITH SKILL-GAME BOOTHS.
(Mrs Bennett and her husband Herbert are at a ring-toss game, doing poorly
from the look of it.)
BENNETT: (Over-the-top excitement.) C'mon, Herbert, you can do it! This is
the last one we need!
(Herbert throws the ring, totally misses it.)
BENNETT & HERBERT: (Together, profound disappointment.) Awwww...
UPCHUCK'S VOICE: (From behind.) Excuse me, Mrs B?
(They turn, see him standing there with his extra set of Fuzzy-Wuzzy WeeBits.
[Remember, from the first part?])
UPCHUCK: (Grinning.) I couldn't help but notice your futile attempts to
garner one of those Itty-Bitty Fuzzy-Wuzzy WeeBits. As Lawndale's
most renowned collector of fast-food premiums, perhaps I can make
a deal with you... *Behold*!
(He holds up the complete set. Bennett and Herbert gasp in awe.)
UPCHUCK: I am prepared to offer you the item you need. All I ask in return
is your permission to peruse whatever provocative periodicals I may
prefer. During your class.
BENNETT: (Quickly, she wants this *bad*!) I can live with that.
UPCHUCK: Splendid! Now, which of these overhyped plush playthings does your
own humble collection lack?
BENNETT: (Points it out, practically jumping up and down with excitement.)
Necky! Necky the Baby Giraffe!
UPCHUCK: With or without seven eyes?
EXT: SIDEWALK, EDGE OF HIGH HILLS PARK.
(Helen on the bench.)
LINDA: (Arrives from the park. She's got a canvas from the craft show.)
Helen? Is that you?
HELEN: (Gets an "Oh God, no" look, but feigns politeness.) Linda, hello.
(Attempted joke.) Did the rest of your family desert you too?
LINDA: (Laughs, polite but fake.) Well, Tom has the boys, and I assume Sandi
is with Quinn and her other friends, whatever they're up to. (Senses
Helen's vulnerability, search-and-destroy.) I don't mean to imply
anything? But I'm concerned Quinn may be a bad influence on my
HELEN: (Stung.) Well you know, Jake and I were talking just the other day,
and I said--
LINDA: (Twisting the knife.) Oh yes, where *is* your husband, Helen? Were
you *serious* when you said he deserted you?
HELEN: (Trying to put up a nonchalant front.) Oh, you know how men are,
needing time to themselves. (Sighs.) I just hope wherever he is,
he's having a good time.
INT.: MR FUN'S.
(MUSIC: "Cherry Pie", Underworld.)
JAKE'S VOICE: *YEEEEEE*-HAAA!!
(Jake does a cannonball into one of those bins with all the colored balls,
laughs, throws balls at the group of boys from the library ["See Jane Run"],
they throw back. The Gupty kids look at each other and climb in, seeming
less enthusiastic, suspecting something's seriously wrong with Jake.)
JAKE: Oh, hi kids! C'mon, join the fun!
(He tilts forward, diving underneath the balls and coming back up on the
other side of the bin. The arcade operator arrives.)
ARCADE OPERATOR: (Disapproval.) Um, sir? I'm afraid you're gonna hafta get
out. Twelve's the maximum age for the ball bin, you're way
JAKE: (Crushed.) Too old?? (Slams his fist down, sends balls scattering.)
EXT.: ALLEY BEHIND MCGRUNDY'S.
(Amy waits, lets Daria get it out on her own.)
DARIA: I could have just backed out, it would've been a lot simpler. But I
didn't want to let Jodie down.
AMY: Decisions aren't always easy. That's why I try to make them as
infrequently as possible.
DARIA: Is it normal to give a damn about other people?
AMY: (Tender.) You're really smart, Daria, and you're unbelievably mature
for your age... especially in *this* family. But the truth is, there's
a lot in life that you haven't experienced yet. That you haven't *let*
yourself experience yet.
DARIA: It's not worth it. It hurts too much. Maybe that's why all this is
AMY: Well, if my opinion counts anything with you...?
DARIA: I suppose.
AMY: You did the right thing, I think.
DARIA: Well. I won't make *that* mistake again.
(Amy gives her an understanding smile.)
INT.: MR FUN'S.
(MUSIC: "Junk", Monaco.)
(The Gupty kids are playing Skee-Ball. Jake approaches the counter with a
ton of prize-tickets.)
JAKE: (Eager.) What can I get for these?
ARCADE OPERATOR: (Looks over the prize selection.) Let's see... we got some
crappy cameras that probably don't work, a crappy walkman,
or... a T-shirt.
JAKE: (Disappointed.) The T-shirt, I guess. At least I can wear it.
ARCADE OPERATOR: What size? We got small and medium.
EXT.: ALLEY BEHIND MCGRUNDY'S.
DARIA: So how did *you* cope with growing up? Besides relentless sarcasm,
AMY: Are you kidding? I had help from my own relentlessly sarcastic aunt.
DARIA: A family legacy of alienation and pessimism?
AMY: (Proud.) It goes back six generations.
INT.: BEER TENT.
(Mystik Spiral is joined by Monique, from "Pierce Me". Visible in the
background are Axl and a group of Middleton college kids.)
MONIQUE: (Kisses Trent on the cheek.) Hey, Trent! Good to see you!
JESSE: (Points.) Hey, isn't that Curtis Delano over there?
TRENT: Cool. Class reunion.
(Ms Li, wearing a "Lawndale Days" cap and holding a corndog, walks through
the festivities, making sure everyone's having fun. As she nears the mouth
of an alley, Upchuck accosts her.)
UPCHUCK: Why, if it isn't our enigmatic principal, Ms Li! Just the person I
was hoping to find!
LI: Charles. Did you... *want* something?
UPCHUCK: Why as a matter of fact, yes, I feel an urge to voice my deep moral
outrage. (Feigns stern disapproval.) Tsk, tsk, tsk. Bribing the
judge of a local talent show, *really*, Ms Li! Oh, no no *no*,
this won't do at *all*! (Notices her shocked expression.) Oh now
don't look so surprised! I was there, after all. I witnessed the
entire thing with my own two vigilant eyes!
LI: (Sudden anger.) You miserable little *rat*! I should have you
*expelled* for this outrage!
UPCHUCK: (Sly.) But you would not dare. Not so long as I possess... *this*!
(He holds up the Polaroid of Li and Reinhardt.)
LI: (Furious.) Why you--!
UPCHUCK: (Exaggerated innocence.) *Darn* this telephoto lens of mine! It
picks up the most interesting things, wouldn't you agree? I'm sure
everyone would be *very* surprised to see *this* in the Lawndale
LI: (Grabs for the picture.) *Give* me that, you little worm!
UPCHUCK: (Holds it out of reach.) Ah-ah-*ah*! First I must ask for a
little compensation, a little... "quid pro quo", as they say.
LI: (Seething.) State your terms.
INT.: MR FUN'S.
(MUSIC: "Junk", Monaco.)
(The arcade operator scoops up Jake's tickets, tosses a shirt onto the
counter without much enthusiasm.)
ARCADE OPERATOR: Here ya go, gramps.
JAKE: (Hotheaded.) "GRAMPS"?! (Calms down, makes a dissatisfied sound as
he holds up the T-shirt. It reads, "I spent $45 playing Skee-Ball at
Mr Fun's and all I got was this stupid T-shirt.")
(The three J's approach the counter with their own batches of tickets.)
JAKE: (Mood cheering a bit.) Hey-hey, dudes! You're Quinn's boyfriends,
JOEY: Hi, Mr Morgendorffer. I'm Joey!
JEFFY: I'm Jeffy!
JAIME: I'm Jimmy... I mean, Jaime!
JAKE: (Bitterly, glaring at the arcade operator.) Don't waste your tickets,
men, these prizes are a total drag.
JAIME: Oh, they're not for us. They're for Quinn!
JOEY: Have you seen her around?
EXT.: BEER TENT.
(Slow zoom-in on the entrance.)
(MUSIC: "Piano Man", Billy Joel. [I can't help it, this image popped into
my mind and I just *had* to include it!])
INT.: BEER TENT.
(Quinn is giggling loudly at something one of the other F.C. members has
said. The rest of the group behaves similarly, laughing, trying to drink
without spilling, etc.)
SANDI: Okayokayokay, all 'n'favor'v making Quinn's sister an hon'rary
member'v the Fashion Club?
SANDI, STACY, QUINN: (Raise hands. Unison, sort of.) I!
SANDI: (Expectantly.) Tiffany?
TIFFANY: Umm... (Looooooong pause.) ... ... Yeah.
(The other girls find this unbelievably funny, break out laughing again.)
STACY: (Near tears.) I jus' wan' you guys t'know, you guys are my bes'
friends ever, an' I jus' *love* you guys SO MUCH! (Breaks down
QUINN: (Listening to the song, hears the refrain coming.) C'mon, le's do't
one more time!
(The Fashion Club, arms over each others' shoulders, sway back and forth on
the bench, singing the refrain of the song. People stare and snicker. Trent
watches, sips from his own beer, expressionless.)
FASHION CLUB: (Sing.) "Sing us a song, you're the piano man!
Sing us a song tonight!
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you got us feelin' alright!"
(Tiffany passes out, flops face-first onto the table. The other girls laugh,
clink glasses together. Dissolve to the commercial lead-in, continuing the
final strains of the song through it.)
(COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Quinn taking a swing at Sandi, missing.)
END ACT 2.
(COMMERCIAL: Replay all the commercials shown during the last break, in the
exact same order. MTV has done this before, I swear. What does this tell
us about their perception of the typical "Daria" viewer? Well, it says they
understand we like watching the same thing over and over again [by which I
mean a certain 26 episodes]. Does MTV's marketing department have us down,
BEGIN ACT 3.
EXT.: ALLEY BEHIND MCGRUNDY'S.
DARIA: I dunno, he plays here all the time. I guess I was sort of hoping
he'd show up and make the first move. (Pause.) Okay, my turn to
interrogate: So why are *you* here?
AMY: Me? I come here every year. It's the perfect place to remind myself
how stupid the world can get. (Beat.) And for the cheese fries.
DARIA: Cheese fries?
AMY: They have *great* cheese fries here. (Pushes away from the wall she's
been leaning against.) C'mon, let's go get some.
DARIA: (Reluctant.) I don't know... What if we run into him?
AMY: That's going to happen sooner or later anyway. (Dismissive.) Besides,
the embarassment of being seen with an adult should overshadow any
awkwardness you might feel.
DARIA: (Hint of smile.) Can't argue with that. (She gets to her feet.)
INT.: MR FUN'S.
(MUSIC: "Going Out of My Head", Fatboy Slim.)
(Jake's at the two-player Whak-a-Mole board with Brian Taylor, Brittany's
little brother. He's changed into the T-shirt he won at Skee-Ball, though
it's obviously too small. Brian chuckles sadistically as he slams the
mechanical rodents that pop up.)
JAKE: (Shouting as he swings his mallet.) GET BACK UNDERGROUND, YOU SPITEFUL
OLD BASTARD! YOU STAY *DEAD*, YOU HEAR?!
TRICIA: (Watching, concerned look.) Are you okay, Mr Morgendorffer?
JAKE: (Punctuating his rant with hits.) *THIS* IS FOR MILITARY SCHOOL!!
*THIS* IS FOR THAT FISHING TRIP WHEN I WAS NINE!! *THIS* IS FOR NEVER
LETTING MOM GIVE ME THE LOVE I NEEDED!!
(All this gets the attention of Brian, who simpers evilly and swings at Jake,
whacking him in the knee.)
JAKE: (Pain.) *AAGH!* (Clutches his knee, then grabs the mallet from Brian,
tries to break the chain that tethers it to the machine.) I'll *kill*
you, you little bastard!! Get back here!
ARCADE OPERATOR: (Noticing the scuffle, comes over.) Sir, I'm afraid I'm
going to have to ask you to leave.
JAKE: (Protesting.) B-but, but--
ARCADE OPERATOR: (Irate.) *Now*, pops!
EXT: MR FUN'S.
(The music is fainter out here. Robert and Shawn pass Jake and the kids
going inside, send him strange looks.)
JAKE: (Whines.) It's not fair! *He* started it!
TRICIA: It's okay, Mr Morgendorffer.
TAD: We know another place kids can have fun.
JAKE: Boy, it *sucks* being a kid! (Pathetic.) I don't feel so good, I
think that virtual-reality game made me sick...
SLUTTY GIRL: (From "This Year's Model", leaning against the building.)
Hey, handsome! Did I hear you're lookin' for some fun?
TAD: Go for it, Mr Morgendorffer, she wants you!
INT.: BEER TENT.
(Quinn is thoroughly wasted, but still conscious. The rest of the Fashion
Club, Sandi included, has passed out. We can now see Andrea sitting nearby.
Shift focus to Mystik Spiral and company at the adjacent table.)
JESSE: She's awfully hammered.
TRENT: (Distaste.) Can you *believe* she's related to Daria?
JESSE: I can't believe she's still conscious.
(Chad approaches Quinn, puts a hand on her shoulder.)
CHAD: Hey, sweetheart, wanna get out of here, maybe go someplace?
QUINN: (Too drunk to know to refuse.) Yeahokay. Um, c'you carry me?
CHAD: Yeah, you do look pretty wasted, hon'.
QUINN: Ohyeah. Goo' point.
CHAD: Don't worry, I'll take care of ya.
(Trent stands, not about to let this happen, even if it is just Quinn.)
TRENT: Hey man, leave her alone.
CHAD: Why? She said she wants to come with me. (Beat.) Skinny wimp like
you gonna stop me?
(Wordlessly, the rest of the band stands. Chad looks from one member to
the next, backs down.)
TRENT: I gotta get out of here. (Notices Andrea.) Hey, will you make sure
she gets home okay?
ANDREA: (Gets up, moves over to Quinn.) C'mon.
JESSE: (To Nick and Max.) See you guys later.
(They raise their glasses in acknowledgment. Trent and Jesse move toward
QUINN: (Barely intelligible.) IthinkI'mgonnathrowup.
JESSE: (To Trent.) That reminds me, you still owe me a shirt.
TRENT: You'll get it, Jess, you'll get it.
JESSE: That was the only one I *had*, man!
EXT.: HIGH HILLS PART, ART AND CRAFT SHOW.
(Ms DeFoe is in Jane's art exhibit. In the background, the Gupty parents
can be seen. Jane arrives with Jodie and Mack.)
JODIE: (Looks around, sees all of Jane's paintings still on display.) Slow
JANE: Any luck, Ms DeFoe?
DEFOE: (Points to a single empty spot. Obviously proud of Jane.) Yes, you
sold one, a little while ago.
JANE: Really? Which one?
EXT.: VILLAGE GREEN, VENDOR'S BOOTH.
(Daria and Amy wait in line at the same vendor the Fashion Club was bugging
the heck out of earlier. Business is better for her now -- Mrs Johannsen is
at the front of the line buying about five corndogs. Daria still holds her
DARIA: Who am I kidding? He probably doesn't even want to talk to me.
TRENT'S VOICE: (From behind.) Hey, Daria. I wondered where you were.
(Amy and Daria turn together to see Trent and Jesse. Amy raises an eyebrow
at Daria as if to say, "Oh my God, he's *cute*!" Daria returns a glare that
says "Hands off!")
DARIA: (Back to Trent, shy.) Um, hi Trent.
TRENT: Hey. (Notices Amy for the first time.) Who are you?
DARIA: Trent, this is my Aunt Amy. (Blushes a bit, to Amy.) This is Trent.
AMY: We're just getting some cheese fries. You guys want some?
EXT: SIDEWALK, EDGE OF HIGH HILLS PARK.
LINDA: (Boasting.) Did I ever tell you about the time I met Ted Koppel?
HELEN: (Under breath, disgust.) Only about 800 times. (Out loud, false
politeness.) No, I don't believe you ever have.
(Helen is saved by a sudden ringing sound. She digs her cellular phone from
HELEN: (Relieved, but acting sorry.) Oh darn, I'm afraid you'll have to
tell me about it some other time, Linda. (Under breath.) It's about
*time*, Eric! (Answers phone, bubbly.) Helloooo? Eric, is that--
Oh my God, *Jake*! Where *are* you?!
(Linda watches intently, not wanting to miss anything good. Cut to extreme
close-up of Jake on the other end.)
JAKE: (Pitifully.) H-helen? I've just done something I'm not proud of.
EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH.
INT.: MS LI'S OFFICE.
LI: (Pulling a stack of magazines from her cabinet, sets them next to another
pile already on her desk.) There. That's all of them.
UPCHUCK: (Counting.) Twenty-six, twenty-seven... twenty-eight! (Nods,
satisfied.) Pleasure doing business with you, Ms Li!
(She holds out her hand expectantly. Upchuck produces the Polaroid and
hands it to her. She rips it up.)
LI: And the negative.
UPCHUCK: (Grins.) Oh, no, I think I'll be holding onto that. As leverage,
in case you don't revoke my detention as promised.
LI: (Grabs for it.) *Give* it to me, you--
UPCHUCK: (Waves the negative.) Do you *really* want it?
UPCHUCK: (Tucks it down the front of his pants. Suggestively.) Then come
and *get* it!
LI: (Can't believe what she's hearing.) You--... You wretched little
*prick*! (Livid, storms out.)
UPCHUCK: (Leering, watches her go.) Rrrrrrrrrrr... *feisty*!
(Daria, Amy, Trent and Jesse sit at the curb sharing cheese fries.)
TRENT: (Indicates Daria's slush cup.) Mind if I have a sip of that?
TRENT: (Smiles.) I promise not to drool in it, Daria.
DARIA: No, it's just--... here. (Hands it to him.)
AMY: (Watches. To Trent, Jesse.) Didn't you guys play here last year?
TRENT: Yeah. We got ninth.
AMY: I thought I'd seen you before. You have a better sound this year.
JESSE: Really? Thanks.
(Amy pulls the last piece of melted cheese off the plate, eats it.)
AMY: So. Where to now?
DARIA: (Feeling better.) I should probably head back to the park and find
AMY: Great, that's where I'm parked.
(They stand, prepare to go. Jesse collects the plates and Daria's empty
Slush Cup, drops them in a trash bin.)
AMY: Hey. (Grabs Trent's collar so he turns and faces her. Fixes him square
in the eye.) Listen to me. You've got something here, something really
special. For God's sake, don't blow it. You got that?
TRENT: (Raised eyebrows, surprise at Amy's tone.) Umm... sure.
(Amy lets him go, and the four of them press on. Daria doesn't turn
around. She blushes and smiles quietly, combined gratitude and a little
EXT.: PIZZA FOREST.
(MUSIC: "The Child in Us", Enigma.)
INT.: PIZZA FOREST.
(Helen enters, looking concerned. Linda follows with an amused smirk.)
HELEN: (Calls.) Jake?
(She rounds a corner and finds him sitting at a booth, head and arms on the
table, sobbing uncontrollably. In the aisle in front of him are scattered
plates, silverware, and a couple of unconscious singing forest critters in
costume, silently telling Helen what Jake's done. Everyone else, including
the Gupty kids, keeps their distance.)
SINGER: (To Helen, as she approaches Jake.) Watch out, lady, he's nuts.
HELEN: (Touches her husband on the shoulder.) Jake? Jake, honey, it's me.
JAKE: (Looks up at his wife, eyes red.) Ohhhh *GOD*, Helen! I-- I d-don't
know how it happened!
HELEN: (Takes his arm, lifts him up.) Shhh, it's okay, Jakey.
JAKE: He never *once* told me he loved me, Helen! (Sobs.)
TAD: (To Trisha.) Is Mr Morgendorffer gonna be okay?
TRISHA: (Using the vocabulary word of the night.) I think he has a lot of
irascibility to work through.
JAKE: Even in death he mocks me *still*! *GOD* I hate that rotten bastard!
HELEN: (Guiding him toward the exit.) C'mon, Jakey, let's go home, you'll
feel better tomorrow.
(Linda watches, puts on that smug smirk. Then she notices her own husband
Tom at another table, face in hands, apparently having a similar evening as
Jake. Sam and Chris are on the floor, attempting to strangle one another.)
CHRIS: You're a wuss!
SAM: No, *you're* a wuss!
CHRIS: Shut up, wuss!
(Linda catches Helen leaving, scowls, crosses her arms. Call this one a
(Move in on Reinhardt and his granddaughter, at the games in the background.)
GRANDDAUGHTER: Can I play some more games, Grandpa?
REINHARDT: (Smiles, pats her head.) Of course, Lexie. Grandpa's got $200
for you to spend, sugar! (Hands her the money he got from Ms Li.)
EXT.: PIZZA FOREST.
(Climax of music here, then fade it.)
EXT.: OUTSIDE HIGH HILLS PARK, AMY'S CONVERTIBLE.
(Just Amy and Daria. Amy climbs into her car.)
DARIA: Aunt Amy?
DARIA: (Nods.) Right. I just wanted to say... (Trails off, she's not the
type to get sentimental.)
AMY: (Understands.) You're welcome, Daria.
(Andrea walks up with Quinn slung over her shoulder, holding her by the
ANDREA: (To Daria.) Here. I believe this is yours.
DARIA: That's okay, finders keepers.
(Andrea sets Quinn down, leaves without further explanation. Daria grabs
her sister's shoulders and holds her up, as she's incapable of standing on
DARIA: (Watches Andrea go, embarrassed.) Oh no, she knows we're related.
QUINN: (Looks from Daria to Amy and back again.) OhmyGod Daria di' you know
there's *four* of you!
DARIA: How much have you had to drink?
QUINN: (Sing-song.) None, noth'n' at all, no way. (Beat, normal tone.)
Well, mebbe jus' a li'l bit.
AMY: (Sighs, steps out to help.) C'mon, I'll give you a ride home. (Scoops
Quinn up, moves to put her in the back seat. Warning tone.) Puke in
my car and you're dead.
(Trent and Jesse return from the park, with Jane. Mack and Jodie follow.)
JODIE: Daria, I'm glad I found you. I wanted to tell you we also got the
prize for best parade entry!
DARIA: (No enthusiasm.) Great. (Takes the sack with her band uniform from
Amy's car, gives it to Jodie.) Here's the uniform back.
JODIE: (Takes it.) Thanks. Now admit it, wasn't this maybe just a little
DARIA: Well, it will provide me with a lot of memories someday.
JODIE: (Told-you-so.) There, see?
DARIA: (Deadpan.) I can't wait to describe them vividly to a psychiatrist.
JODIE: (Looking in the bag.) Hey, this is just the jacket, where are the
DARIA: Oh. I threw 'em in the porta-potty.
(Jodie laughs, Daria reluctantly smirks a bit too. Jane and Amy shoot them
both questioning looks.)
JODIE: (Wipes her eyes.) That's just as well, I guess. (Something else.)
Oh, we'll also need the cymbals back.
DARIA: Umm, I'll bring those Monday.
JODIE: (Curious look.) Oh. All right. Now... (Hesitates, not sure how
Daria will react.) ...are you *sure* you won't consider joining band
(Jodie looks disappointed.)
JANE: (Looks from Daria to Trent, realizes Daria wants to Talk to him. To
Mack, Jodie, Jesse.) C'mon, you guys can help me take down the
(The four of them head back through the park entrance, talking as they go.)
JODIE: Jane? How about it?
JANE'S VOICE: What, you can't get Daria so now you're picking on me?
JODIE'S VOICE: What about you?
JESSE'S VOICE: Umm, I graduated. Plus I'm already in a band.
JANE'S VOICE: I *am* quite proficient at *listening* to music, though.
MACK'S VOICE: I already told you, Jodie -- I *can't*, I'm on the team!
(They're gone. Daria, Amy, Trent and an unconscious Quinn remain.)
DARIA: (To Amy.) God I wish she wouldn't be so encouraging. She's worse
than my Mother.
AMY: (Nods.) It's hard to stay alienated with friends like that.
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE.
(Amy's convertible pulls up. Trent rides shotgun, with Daria and Quinn in
AMY: (Sensing the two need to talk, hefts Quinn out.) I'll just take her
(She heads up the walk, Quinn over her shoulder. Daria and Trent are alone.)
DARIA: Trent? I just... wanted to say I'm sorry. For what happened tonight.
TRENT: (Turns to face her.) That's okay, Daria. It's not your fault she's
DARIA: (Confused.) No, I meant--... Then... you're not mad you lost first
TRENT: (Where did Daria get that idea? Smiles.) 'Course not. Last year we
only got ninth, we got second this time!
DARIA: (Only now sees the extent to which she misunderstood.) Oh. Okay.
TRENT: At least we didn't lose to the cloggers.
(The two chuckle at this.)
(The "SUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!" guy is perusing the judges' scores, tacked to one
side of the stage.)
GUY: (Apparently he *did* lose to the cloggers.) Aww, *bollicks*!
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE, AMY'S CAR.
(MUSIC: "Eternal Flame", by the Bangles.)
TRENT: Say, Daria? I've been thinking a lot about, you know, what your aunt
said about us.
DARIA: (Prompting when he doesn't go on.) Um... you have?
TRENT: Yeah. And I think she's right. We really do have something here.
DARIA: (Not daring to hope.) Really?
TRENT: (Nods.) Uh-huh. So, I just wanted to let you know...
DARIA: (Leans toward him, eyes lighting up.) Yesssss?
TRENT: ...I think we're gonna keep the name Mystik Spiral.
(The music abruptly cuts off. The Moment is officially Over.)
DARIA: (Can't believe he *still* doesn't get it!) Oh. (Slumps back against
TRENT: (Notices her disappointment, recalls her first comment on the band's
name, back in "Road Worrier", thinks she's upset they're keeping it.)
You know. At least for awhile.
DARIA: (Looks away.) That's... great, Trent.
TRENT: (Unsure.) Really?
(Daria looks about to say something typically sarcastic, but then suddenly
decides having Trent as "just a friend" is better than having him not liking
her at all... which was the case just a couple of hours ago, or so she
(MUSIC: "I Feel Love", Vanessa-Mae.)
DARIA: (Rare, genuine smile.) Yeah. Really.
(Same from Trent.)
TRENT: Well. See ya, Daria.
DARIA: (Lowers her eyes, blushes a bit.) Mm-hmm.
(Trent jumps out of the car without opening the door, heads down the walk
to his house as Amy returns..)
AMY: (Shakes her head.) He just doesn't get it, does he?
INT.: MORGENDORFFERS' CAR.
(Helen's driving, Jake gazes despondently out the window. Cut to an
overhead shot. Helen pulls up the driveway just as Amy's convertible takes
off. Outside, the two spot Trent heading down the sidewalk.)
HELEN: Say, isn't that that Trent boy Daria hangs around with?
JAKE: (Something snaps, he yells at Trent.) Hey! Hey, you! You just watch
yourself around here! You're not gonna rob my girls of their youth
like my father did to me! D'you hear me?! If you so much as *touch*
either of my daughters I swear I'll kill you!!
(Trent looks back, not having the faintest idea what he's talking about.
Helen leads Jake up the walk, but both stop and turn, looking at the yard
below Daria's window. It's littered with garbage and dead animals.)
JAKE: (Traumatizes.) Ohhhh *GODDDDDDDDDDD*!! (Falls to his knees, buries
his face in his hands.)
DARIA: (Upstairs, looking down, suddenly remembers what she and Jane forgot
to tell the football team.) Whoops.
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. MORNING, SUNDAY.
(Helen is dressed and having her coffee. Daria sits on one of the stools at
the counter, spooning cereal. Jake's at the table, still in his jammies and
setting up another domino rally, looking miserable.)
HELEN: I can't believe Amy didn't even stop by to say hello, can you, Jake.
(Looks, he doesn't reply.) Jake? (Sighs.) Daria, would you go
check on your sister and see if she's up yet?
DARIA: (Carries her bowl to the sink.) Um, she'll probably be in bed all
day. I think she ate too many corndogs last night.
HELEN: (Actually believes it.) Oh dear.
EXT.: GRIFFIN RESIDENCE.
INT.: GRIFFIN RESIDENCE, KITCHEN.
(Tom sits at the table, depressed. Linda pours herself a cup of coffee,
sits down. Sam and Chris catapult pieces of cereal at each other.)
LINDA: Hmm, Sandi's usually up by now. She must've been out late. Did I
show you what I bought for her last night? (No answer.) Tom?
INT.: SANDI'S ROOM.
(Sandi has buried herself under the bedsheets. She doesn't stir. Leaning
against the foot of her bed is Jane's painting of Quinn in the guillotine.
Slowly zoom in on the painting until Quinn's face fills the screen.)
LINDA: (Off-screen, VO.) I left it in her room, I hope she likes it.
INT.: QUINN'S ROOM.
(Close-up of a *very* sick Quinn. Slowly zoom out to show her lying
backwards in bed, head buried in her arms. The door opens and she slowly
lifts her head, making a painful little whimper at the movement, squinting.
She looks haggard and extremely ill. Cut to blurry eye-opening shot from
Quinn's POV. Daria stands in the doorway, smirking.)
DARIA: (Pretend cheerfulness.) Mornin', Sis!
(Back to shot of the room.)
QUINN: (Groans.) Leave me alone, Daria.
DARIA: I'm just morbidly curious, but what exactly happened last night?
QUINN: (Pissy, but restrained by her hangover.) I drank too much, what the
hell do you *think*? Not that you'd know what that's like. (More to
herself now than to Daria.) God, the whole thing with Sandi just got
so out of control. I can't even remember how it got started.
(Sudden realization, panic.) You didn't tell Mom and Dad, did you?
DARIA: Not yet, but I'm going to as soon as I extract all the sordid little
QUINN: (Ready to freak.) No! You can't! They'll never trust me again!
(Quickly shuts up, puts a hand to her head as she realizes yelling
just makes it hurt worse. Switches to a whisper, pleading.) Please,
Daria? I'll do anything!
DARIA: (Smirk becomes more apparent.) *Anything*?
QUINN: (Pitiful.) Yes, anything.
DARIA: (Pretends to think about it.) Well... there is *one* thing...
You never got to hear me last night at the talent show.
(Zoom out from Daria, standing with arms at her sides, holding her cymbals.
[Did anyone *NOT* see this coming?] She winds up... Quinn emits a
horrified little gasp, seeing what's about to happen, whimpers and cringes,
covering her ears tightly with her hands as Daria... [Wait for it!]
...slams the cymbals together with all the force she can muster, wincing
from the noise herself. Quinn clutches her throbbing head in misery.)
QUINN: (Shouts downstairs.) MO-OOOOOOMMM!! MAKE DARIA STOP--! (Hand to
her head as the pounding returns.)
DARIA: Oh, and I also get full reign of the bathroom for the next month.
Any time I want it, no exceptions.
QUINN: (Little whisper to keep the ache down.) No way, forget it!
(Daria crashes the cymbals again.)
QUINN: AAAGH!! (Desperate to stop the agony.) Okay, okay, fine! I don't
care! Just leave me alone! I can't *take* it anymore! (Moans.)
DARIA: Just tell yourself: No single second is unendurable by itself. (She
strikes the cymbals together once more.) It's a Zen thing.
JAKE'S VOICE: (Shouting, from downstairs.) DAMMIT, WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET UP
(The phone rings loudly. Quinn to clutches her pounding head, sobbing.
Daria smiles, winds up to do it again.)
(...la la LA la la...)
(CREDITS AND CUTE LITTLE RENDERINGS OF THE CHARACTERS.)
CLOSING MUSIC: "U.S. Field Artillery March", Sousa. (Sorry, I felt like
doing one more march, for closure.)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well. That's my two-part Daria epic. Talk about *work*!
I think I'll go back to stand-alone episodes for awhile. (Although I do
think I laughed more while writing this than I did with any of the others.)
I like the opposite-halves presentation of this story. In "RoYP" we see how
Trent continues to miss the fact Daria likes him in That Way. Then, here, I
wanted to turn the tables and explored the idea that, despite being book-
smart and mature for her age, Daria really doesn't understand Trent either!
This is something I hope the show touches on in Season 3. I thought it tied
in well with the "pains of growing up" idea that's reinforced through Jake.
The large number of chance-encounters -- Daria overhearing everyone from the
porta-potty, Jake meeting the Guptys, Helen crossing paths with O'Neill and
Linda, Trent and Quinn -- was also intentional. I tried to create a sense
of chaos, events swirling out of the characters' control, which is an
underlying theme the two scripts share. Others include why growing up (and
being grown-up) can suck, and winning but feeling terrible afterward.
"Lawndale Days" was inspired by the "Old Settlers" festival held in
little podunk hometown once a year, late August. All the elements of
Lawndale's celebration -- the big parade, craft show, beer tent, the
carnival -- were based on this. I was specifically trying *not* to
rehash "Fair Enough" here.
Why "Quinntet"? In addition to Jodie's band quintet and the (dismal) pun
on Quinn's name, I realized I was doing five separate stories as I wrote
this -- Daria's, Jake's, Quinn's, Helen's and Upchuck's. (Trent sort of
moves between the various stories, not really having one of his own.) Plus
I just didn't feel like calling it "Rain on Your Parade, Part 2".
Obscure and oblique stuff you might have missed (from both episodes):
In "Rain on Your Parade", when the two girls are out running, Jane mentions
Trent's new amp, in a reference to "Lotto Nonsense".
Michele pointed Daria out to Helen in the parade. On the show, Michele
has never seen Daria, but she did meet her in "To Helen Back".
"Brown Derby Jump" is also playing in "I Don't", when Helen gets
at the reception. Also, Amy's first appearance in that episodes is
accompanied by another Cramps song.
The inspiration for Mr DeMartino's beatnik flashback came from his personal
ad in "The Daria Diaries."
Mr DeMartino also listened to opera in "All Washed Up" (though the show
suggests a fondness for Frankie-and-Annette beach tunes).
The Lawndale Days beer tent plays the oddest mix of tunes I've heard in
Daria passes all her other failed romantic interests on her way to the
McGrundy's alley: Kevin (from the "Sealed with a Kick" pilot), Upchuck
(though the interest there is entirely Upchuck's), Chad and Ted.
Trent's "class reunion" comment is an inside joke -- nobody cared enough
to show up at my real five-year class reunion, so the committee rescheduled
it to the Old Settlers beer tent "at no particular time." (I didn't show
up there, either.)
The inclusion of "Going Out of My Head" by Fatboy Slim is a smidgen of a
reference to Peter Guerin's "Dinner Date from Hell" fanfic -- the same
song also plays in a scene there. Read it if you hate Linda and Sandi
(and who out there *doesn't*?)
"Eternal Flame" by the Bangles is a little tip of the hat to Invisigoth
Gypsy. You out there, 'Visi? Say hi to all the folks at home!
Between "RoYP" and "Quinntet", I think I hit all 26 episodes with
one reference. See how many you can find! I also used damn near all the
characters, even if the majority were gratuitous one-line cameos.
One last note: With the sudden demise of Planet Daria, I'm suddenly without
a home base of operations for fanfic distribution. Currently I have several
other sites that are or will be carrying my future work:
Lawndale Commons -- http://www.2cowherd.net/catseye/thecommons
Outpost Daria -- http://www.concentric.net/~systech/daria/
FanFiction Net -- www.fanfiction.net
And, eventually, The Daria Fan Fiction Website --
Also Peter Guerin is putting together a new fanfic site at:
Planet Daria may be dead, but my fanfic will live on!
The reason PD is no more, if you haven't already heard, is because Rowena's
in a bit of a financial crunch and is no longer able to handle the cost of
maintaining Planet Daria through Season 3 along with her other expenses.
We'll miss you, Rowena.
[Disclaimer: "Daria" and all related characters are trademarks of MTV
Networks, a division of Viacom International Inc., and are used here
without permission for the purpose of fan fiction. I suppose if you
represent MTV's legal department you could sue, but think about it,
what's it really going to get you? I mean, *I* sure don't have any
money, and there's like fifty other people writing these fan stories,
so you might as well just live with it and maybe learn to appreciate
the fact that your show has such a loyal, dedicated legion of fans who
care enough to write things like this. Of course, you *could* just
hire us and that'd solve your problem nicely too.]
[This "Daria" fanfic story is copyright 1998 by C.E. Forman but may be
distributed freely in unaltered form to fans of "Daria" everywhere,
provided the author's name and e-mail address remain intact. Thank
you, and good night.]
Would you like to be updated when I release new "Daria" stories and
get sneak previews of what I have in store just around the corner? If so,
send an e-mail and ask to be put on my Daria Fanfic update list. This
won't cram your mailbox full, I promise. One update a week at most.
Oh, and if you run a fanfic website and would like to put my stories up,
go right ahead. All I ask is that you send a quick e-mail and let me know.
Anybody got any fan art based on my fics? If so, you can send it to:
6823 N. TerraVista #706
Peoria, IL 61614
I'd love to see it. Through e-mail is good too, JPEGs or bitmaps work best.