"These days"

Centerstage left, Glenda is sitting on a bed. Center downstage, there is a wooden desk and chair. On the desk is a computer, a gallon of water, a few cups, and paintbrushes. The computer screen is projected on a big screen, center upstage, every time the computer is in use. Centerstage right, there’s a refrigerator with an amp and telephone on top. Glenda is wearing a gray sweatshirt, flannel pajama pants, white socks, and flip-flops. The room is dim.

Glenda: (Gets off bed) Oh, this is terrible! Just terrible! To be cooped up here with nothing to do! (Pause)

(Chattering and screaming comes from next door. Also the sound of backgammon chips) And I’m supposed to sit here and rot and listen to these arses chattering about as if there is no tomorrow. Can’t wait to get the hell out of here. And all that smoke, you know! What am I supposed to do? Oh, I don’t know, they can just die for all I care. The whole lot of you can just die! (More backgammon)

Glenda resumes the computer and sits down. The screen flashes. Glenda is ‘UberAlles’ on the Internet instant messager. The screen upstage projects some of the chat. An actor representing UberAlles enters from the right and speaks for UberAlles simultaneously as some of the key words are being flashed. UberAlles is wearing suspenders without a shirt, black pants, an Englishman’s cap, and boots. His pants has ‘Mangels of Manada’ stenciled vertically with white fabric paint on the side.

UberAlles: Yo yo yo yo!

tick replies. An actor representing tick enters from left and speaks for tick simultaneously as the screen projects his words. tick is wearing a Bauhaus shirt, shorts, and All Star Converse. He is sitting on the bed with his back turned so he cannot see UberAlles.

tick: What?

UberAlles: I need some amusement.

UberAlles: Please!

tick: I’m not in the mood.

UberAlles: What do you mean? Eh? C’mon boyo. May May, darling.

UberAlles: You’re just gonna have to get in the mood, if ye knows what I mean, honey!

UberAlles: Hey, you told me to die the other day. You wished a whole list of diseases on me. (Waits)

UberAlles: A guy who looks like Malkovich followed me and my friend today. He ruined my day.

tick: The actor?

UberAlles: Yeah.

UberAlles: My friend and I, we were having a great day until he threatened and choked him down an alley. He knew him from the services. The Mangels of Manada is what I speak of.

tick: Yes.

UberAlles: We’ve been told to destroy alpha male meat. We don’t have wings and halos for nothing.

tick: It was me. I choked your friend. I am so jealous.

UberAlles: What do you look like? (Waits)

tick: Malkovich.

UberAlles: Whoa!

tick: I used to like you Brad.

UberAlles: Eh, come again?

tick: Jebus Christ hates you and all your buddies. I hate your kind.

UberAlles: Whatcha mean?

UberAlles: What’d I do to you?

UberAlles: C’mon. (Waits)

UberAlles: Damn you’re slow.

tick: See! Rudeness!

UberAlles: Never mind then! (Waits)

(Glenda begins rocking on chair and drinking water)

tick: No. Wait.

(tick gets up. They are facing each other now)

UberAlles: Who’s Jebus?

tick: Jebus Christ.

UberAlles: Mayjebus.

tick: You’re cute.

UberAlles: You didn’t mean what you said before, did you?

tick: No.

UberAlles: Julio Garcia.

tick: Ew, where’d you hear that?

UberAlles: I’ve been told.

tick: Don’t say that again. Don’t remind me of what I am.

UberAlles: Don’t say what?

tick: Garcia.

UberAlles: Oh.

(Meanwhile, Glenda reaches over for chips and a drink from the refrigerator and begins eating)

UberAlles: I’m all but Pizza Crisps washed down with loads of Yoo-hoo and burping away thousands of miles.

tick: Aye.

UberAlles: Oh May, do you like what I am wearing?

tick: (Comes near) Yes. Fascinating.

UberAlles: This is what we all look like down at Bleecker at midnight. I’ve gotta take you out someday.

tick: All you Mangels, right? Manada…tell me the story.

UberAlles: You’ll end up in an island full of Mangels. You can order a Mangel if you want. Our superiors made up the slogan that we shall bring peace. I don’t know how we’re gonna bring about peace with the work we do. You can join the services too, but I wouldn’t recommend it. All the massaging makes you old.

tick: But why? Oh tell me more. You guys are beautiful!

UberAlles: And Mangelic. We’re like Botticelli paintings.

tick: Yes! More!

UberAlles: Well, May, you know what’s been going on.

tick: Stop it. I cannot. I cannot go on. (Sits on the bed)

Glenda: (Begins to rock on chair again) Goddamn May, why is he so weird? What’s wrong with him?

UberAlles: I cannot figure you out May.

tick: What is there to figure out? My love is real.

UberAlles: And so I heard, but you are not.

tick: What makes you think you are more real than me?

UberAlles: You should be a comedian.

tick: No. You should.

tick: You know, I’m a pretty normal guy. You’re the one who’s weird. I can’t figure you out.

UberAlles: Naturally, but I’m merely a pop culture junkie.

(tick gives a warning. tick is off)

UberAlles: Dammit May!

(The actor representing tick is frozen. Glenda and UberAlles are waiting. tick enters again)

tick: Stop it!

UberAlles: Stop what?

tick: Dunno.

tick: It’s BDD.

UberAlles: What’s BDD? (Turns to Glenda) What’s BDD?

(Glenda begins a search on BDD)

(Screen projects the definition. Glenda reads out loud, scrolling down)

Glenda: Body Dysmorphic Disorder. This disorder tends to occur in young adults. The patient becomes pre-occupied with a non-existent or minimal cosmetic defect and seeks medical attention to fix it. Some feel it is a variant of obsessive-compulsive disorder…Is this for real?

UberAlles: No way May. But why?

tick: I can’t. No. Don’t.

UberAlles: Mayjebus, please.

tick: No. Don’t make me.

UberAlles: Come on, it can’t be that bad. May, you know you can tell me anything.

tick: It’s my hair.

UberAlles: What about your hair? I told you to comb it like James Dean.

tick: No. My brother does that. I don’t want to look like him. He looks like a greaser.

UberAlles: May, you know I don’t like my eyes.

tick: You have wonderful eyes!

UberAlles: Oh, May, what else is bothering you?

tick: It’s just the hair. It’s messy.

UberAlles: So, the BDD…that’s why you quit school?

tick: No, no more.

tick: The guns.

UberAlles: What guns?

UberAlles: May, you’ve committed a crime?

tick: My parents… Oh no. Stop it.

UberAlles: You murdered a relative?

tick: No, no. I can’t.

UberAlles: Well, I’ll be damned.

tick: Don’t. (tick logs off for good. There’s a pause)

(Glenda shuts down. The screen projection fades to black. tick and UberAlles are frozen now)

Glenda: Now where am I to go with this? Hmm, I suppose the phone is a good place to go, but the bills have soared to $200. Oh well. (Begins dialing)

(Fade)

-STUPOR

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