"Are you backing out on me, new Gribble?"

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Dale Be Not Proud"

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Quotes from "Dale Be Not Proud"
Written by Jonathan Collier
Directed by Anthony Lioi

BILL: John Force is the greatest funny-car racer ever. He's done more in a quarter-mile than I've done in my whole life.

PEGGY: Word on the street is that Miriam Caney has been throwing up in the bathroom the last few mornings. So I better put in a little face-time with Principal Moss if I want to land that sweet, sweet maternity gig.

BOBBY: Tune in tomorrow when Bobby hill takes over the announcements. If this goes well, class clown is a walk.

DALE: Count me out. The vast majority of unauthorized face removals happen to people in hospitals.
HANK: You disappoint me, Dale.
DALE: Get in line.

DALE: That silent treatment won't work on me. I don't need you to talk to. I've got my thoughts. (beat, then:) I can't be alone with my thoughts!! You've heard them!

EMILY: Mike Soto didn't need to be funny. He had credibility. You better be funny.

HANK: Dangit, Dale, you're not even gonna think about it? We're talking about John Force.
DALE: Not for long.

JOHN FORCE: I can't thank you enough for doing this, Dale. My kids thank you too.
DALE: They're gorgeous, now let's talk turkey. If you want my kidney, I gotta get something in return.
HANK: Dale!
JOHN FORCE: No, it's okay. What can I do for you?
DALE: First off, I reserve the right to call you twenty-four hours a day to prove to people that I know you. I do not play favorites with my organs: if you take my kidney on vacation, my other organs go too. And finally, I want you to put the Dale's Dead-Bug on top of your racer.
JOHN FORCE: That thing's gonna slow me down a bit.
DALE: Not as slow as if you're dead.

DALE: I can't afford to be out of commission for three days. As one of Arlen's leading skeptics, I've got my fingers in a lot of pies.
HANK: But Dale, you made a deal. What about all that great stuff you got from John?
DALE: Damn, the stuff! Stuff is my weakness!

DALE: You have to make sure that nothing happens to me, that no one steals my brain. Or if they do, they replace it with one of equal or greater value.

HANK: Where am I supposed to get mice?
DALE: I left a plate of bacon in your attic -- you should have plenty by nightfall.

PEGGY: Bobby, the reason people weren't laughing is not because you weren't funny, it was because they didn't know they were supposed to laugh. You are as funny as Wacky and Steve on Power-100, or even that Morning Dog Pound. The only thing that separates you from them is... a cowbell.
BOBBY: Really?
PEGGY: Yes. Your audience doesn't want to work so hard. The cowbell enables them to laugh without having to think. The cowbell tells them "Yes, the joke is over, and yes, it was funny." Hey, Luanne, guess what we're having for dinner tonight? Flapjacks! (silence) I said, flapjacks! (rings the cowbell)
LUANNE (laughs): Now I get it!

DALE: Four knocks and a honk?
HANK: Gun club.
DALE: Three knocks?
HANK: Just hand the guy the Folger's can of money.
DALE: This is my business line. Answer it only between 9:08 and 9:23.

MAN: Look, Gribble's got a standing order for alien urine. Eight drums, $319. You won't find a better price.
HANK: That seems like a lot of money. Couldn't this wait thirty hours?
MAN: In thirty hours it'll be pure zephyrum!

(On Dale's checks:)
DALE'S DEAD BUG: A Liberian Registered Corporation

OCTAVIO (disguised as a doctor): You're the new Gribble, right? I need to talk to you.
HANK: Octavio??
OCTAVIO: It's Tuesday. I need you to break my fender.
HANK: What? Are you asking me to help you commit some kind of fraud?
OCTAVIO: Are you backing out on me, new Gribble? We had a deal.

HANK: I'll need to think about this.
DR. TABOR: What do you mean, you'll need to think about this? What kind of person wouldn't give a kidney to a ten year-old boy?
HANK: Well... Dale.

DALE (in post-op dementia): ...Nancy, what's Redcorn doing in our shower?...

OCTAVIO: Yo, jefe, where is Gribble's kidney? I lined up a buyer in Caracas. He outbid this dude in Ireland by forty euros.

DALE (threatening to destroy his kidney): Come any closer and this baby's good for nothing but an Englishman's breakfast.
HANK: Dale, just hold on. Let's talk about this.
DALE: No! Now, I'm going to need an unmarked jet and two parachutes, one kidney-sized.

DALE: Hank, it sounds like you did everything right except giving away my kidney. And since I traded it for a bunch of kiddie toys, I guess we both let me down.

DALE: So, while you were me, did you sleep with Nancy?
DALE: Too late.

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