"I didn't mean to curse my wife to hell!"

The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Texas City Twister"

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Quotes from "Texas City Twister"
Written by Cheryl Holliday
Directed by Jeff Myers

HANK: Six a.m. and already the boy ain't right.

FINANCE MAN: Sir, if you're callin' me a liar, you better be holding something stronger than an umbrella.
HANK: Nine iron.
FINANCE MAN: Y'all have a nice day.

PEGGY: ...So they asked me to teach German, and I said "nein," which I thought meant yes. But it turns out, "nein" means no. So I blew a big opportunity.

HANK: A man came by from the Shiney Pines trailer park, and he said you still got a trailer there.
LUANNE: No I don't, it tipped over.
HANK: But it's still there.
LUANNE: No, it tipped over!
HANK: Luanne, let me try to explain. I have a beer can. I tip it over. Now, is it still there?
LUANNE: I can't live in a beer can. I can live in a trailer, but I don't have a trailer because the trailer tipped over!

PEGGY: If they had a sponge that cleaned up broken dreams, Woolworth's would still be in business.

DALE: You know how the Egyptians un-tipped the pyramids, don't you? With a winch, a cinder block, and 50,000 Hebrew slaves. You got a cinder block?

BOOMHAUER: Hey man, this is a dang ol' good deal, man, a hundred bucks a month, you get a hook-up, you get them tube-tops jiggling around every way and what not, and nothin' but dang ol' trash, man.

LUANNE: Do you think Alex Trebek is sexy, Aunt Peg?
PEGGY: Get out of my mind, Luanne.

HANK: Sometimes you gotta stop vomiting in the baby bird's mouth and kick her out of the nest.
PEGGY: That's a very clever analogy, but you know from our own sidewalk that we are constantly raking up those little dried-up bird babies.

LUANNE: Did you know I was the first in my family to go to beauty college?
PEGGY: No, I did not know that.
LUANNE: And I'm not stopping there. I have dreams, Aunt Peg. I want to do hair and makeups for TV. I know I'd be good. I believe I could be the first person to fix those bags under Michael Douglas's eyes.
PEGGY: Those are big ol' dreams.
LUANNE: I'm shooting for a star, Aunt Peg. And you know what? I'll be okay at Shiney Pines, 'cause you can see the same stars over that trailer that you can see right here...well, at night.

PEGGY: We want to get on the road before that Dr. Demento starts stinking up the airwaves.

BOBBY: Goodbye, Luanne. I want you to know I never read your diary, even though you secretly suspected I did on June 18, 1995.

PEGGY: Did you even happen to notice that Luanne was crying when she left here?
HANK: Well, when isn't she crying? She cries at weddings, she cries at funerals, there's no rhyme or reason to it.

PEGGY: Luanne loves you, and you have no emotion for her at all?
HANK: I've got plenty of emotions. I was afraid she was going to hug me, I was worried she wouldn't leave, and I was happy when it was over.

PEGGY: Sometimes you make me wonder what the hell is wrong with you.
HANK: Oh, really? Well, speaking of hell, if I wasn't so in control of my emotions, I'd be inclined to say that's the sort of place you should consider making a visit towards!

NANCY: This is not a test. Channel 84 doesn't play those kind of games.

HANK: In case I'm incapacitated for any reason, do you know how to revive a man's heart with a downed power line?
HANK: Well, there's really no wrong way to do it.

BILL: You know, I don't mind you guys making fun of me on a daily basis, but when I have this uniform on, I'd appreciate a little respect.
HANK: You're right, I'm sorry. Of all the army barbers I know, you're the bravest.
DALE: Set your mousse on stun, Bill!

DALE: This tornado's already registered a level two on the Fujisaki scale. A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door -- two barn doors if one of them's open.
BOBBY: What will a level three do, Mr. Gribble?
DALE: Level three will send an egg through a brick wall. Tornado chasers call it "Humpty's Revenge."
DALE: Tornado time is like the End of Days, Bobby. The soft shall be blasted through the hard. Chaos will descend upon the well-organized. And the strongest of men will become like a woman of average strength.

NANCY: Nancy Hicks Gribble here for Tornado Watch '97, brought to you by Mega Lo Mart. Mention that your home was destroyed and receive a free five-pound bag of onions. A series of tornadoes has touched down in Arlen County. So far there have been no reports of injuries or of injury footage, but if you know of someone who has been injured or is likely to be injured, please call this station.

LUANNE: So many bad memories. There's the fork Mama stabbed Daddy with...oh, and the empty bottles from that awful night, and...oh, no! Those mango-colored palazzo pants that made my butt look big!

LUANNE: There was a lot of fighting going on when we lived here. I guess I have that effect on people.

PEGGY: "I surely am not unfond of you, Peggy, I tell you what." What kind of marriage proposal is that?

BOBBY: Go to the Mega Lo Mart! They've got everything and a whole lot more, so maybe -- just maybe -- they'll have fruit pies!

DALE: All right, twister, it's just you and me. Ten years ago you took my shed -- did you think I'd just forget? Come on, bring it on!

WOMAN: I need a fuel filter! What are they for? I need one!

BILL: Sorry, I must have a bad case of barber's ear -- I can't hear a word you say until you address me as Sergeant Dauterive.
HANK: Bill, please --
HANK: All right -- Sergeant Dauterive.
BILL: I don't know if I like your tone, Private.
HANK: What did I do to deserve this? I didn't mean to curse my wife to hell!

NANCY: Nancy Gribble here for Death Watch '97. A level 5 tornado is headed right for Shiney Pines trailer park. Shiney Pines residents, we urge you to remain calm. But if you have any unfinished business, or if you have never experienced the miracle of lovemaking, now might be the time.

LUANNE: You know what I'll never forget, was when Uncle Hank was naked --
PEGGY: That never happened.
LUANNE: But the wind blew all his clothes off.
HANK: Not my underwear.
LUANNE: Yes, it did!
HANK: Not my underwear.
PEGGY: Not his underwear.

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