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Quotes from "Yankee Hankee"
Written by Kit Boss
Directed by Adam Kuhlman

HANK: I'm pretty sure the license people are gonna need to see a birth certificate. Otherwise you'd have a bunch of Oklahomans trying to get Native Texan license plates.

COTTON: Is that a kiwi in there? You know how I feel about hairy fruits!

HANK: "Hank." How do I even know that's my real name? My real parents might have called me "Henry." Or "Chris." God, Peggy, what if I'm a Chris?

HANK: Well, if I was adopted, that means my parents could be anybody. Even Tom Landry. I do have his strong chin and love of the flex defense. I wonder if I would have called him "Dad" or "Coach?" Oh, who am I kidding? It would have been "Sir."

HANK: How come you didn't tell me I was born in New York?
COTTON: What?! Uh... you wasn't! You was adopted! Worst fi'ty bucks I ever spent. Could've got me a matching pair of Chinese babies for ten.
HANK: I was born in New York City, of your seed.
COTTON: Oh, Hank, I always knew the day would come when I'd have to tell you the whole sad story. Maybe it was my fault for loving your mother too much. Back when she was still worth loving.

PEGGY: Maybe you should have opened your eyes and then your Bible, Hank. "Red and yellow, black and white, we are all precious in His sight."
HANK: Nothing in there about New York.
PEGGY: Well, Sodom is in there, Hank, and Gomorrah. And they are New York as all get-out.

BOOMHAUER: Yep.
BILL: Yep.
DALE: Yep. Or should I say "yada yada yada?" Hank, should I?
HANK: Shut up, Dale.
BILL: Boy, you New Yorkers really are rude.

HANK: I can't even drive like a Texan anymore, Peggy. I think my truck might be too much vehicle for me.
BOBBY: Come on, Dad, you'll be okay. You just need what Mom likes to call "closure."

TILLY: Wait, Cotton's trying to pin this on me? It was his idea to go to New York.
HANK: What? Then one of you is not telling the truth. (beat) Oh, hell, I know it's him.

COTTON: Well, Fidel, you should've stayed in Washington on your unofficial visit. Now they're gonna have to carry you off on a seventh-inning stretcher!

COTTON: Woman with fetus, coming through!

TILLY: The baby's coming!
COTTON: Not now, woman! Hold it in!

COTTON: ...And at midnight, we rendezvous in Mexico with one Jorge Lopez. As you know, he's half-Mexican, half-Cuban. For this job, we'll be using the half that's Cuban.

HANK: It's your fault I was born in New York and I can't drive my truck and I tried a bagel and actually liked it. No, no more lies -- I loved that bagel!

HANK (drunk): I'd like to tell Buck Strickland to kiss off.

COTTON: For a New Yorker, you ain't got much street smarts.

COTTON: The point of tonight is to kill Castro and bring back his chin-pelt.

HANK (in Davy Crockett's clothes): Why am I wearing the hat?

STINKY: It's starting to drizzle.
COTTON: Aw, suck it up, Stinky. Rained for seventeen days at Guadalcanal, I didn't hear you complain then.
STINKY: I complained a lot.

HANK: Dad, you can't kill Castro! You aren't even supposed to drive at night!

COTTON: Fine, you sissy girls, I'll row to Cuba myself! Hell, I'll swim to Cuba with this wrench between my teeth! Then I'll pose as a beautiful female plumber, and when the toilet clogs at the Presidential palace, I'll... I'll... oh. I just wanted to kill Castro!
HANK: I know, Dad. I know.

IRWIN: Get your hands off me, you gutter-slut.
IRWIN'S DAUGHTER: Daddy...!

PEGGY: Hank, informed sources tell me that you were dead in the water, and then you came back to life. So you were reborn in Texas. Meaning you are a native Texan.
HANK: No, I'm not a native Texan. I'm just a Texan.
PEGGY: And I am a Texan too.
HANK: I don't remember seeing any Montana flag at the Alamo.
PEGGY: Well, it wasn't a state then.
HANK: Fine, everybody's a Texan. Change planes in Dallas, you're a Texan.

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