Quotes from "Hank's Back Story"
Written by Alan Cohen & Alan Freedland
Directed by Cyndi Tang-Loveland
DALE: Gentlemen, you are looking at the winner of the first annual Durndle County mower races, stock class.
HANK: Mower races? Well, good for Durndle!
PEGGY: What is it with you mower racers and your stubborn code of honor? I go to the doctor whenever I am incapacitated, and it does not make me any less of a man.
DR. TATE: Mr. Hill, you have a compression of the discs in your lower back.
HANK: Uh-huh. Do you get a lot of this in your patients who race mowers?
DR. TATE: A lawnmower didn't cause this. It's genetic.
PEGGY: Genetic as in fatal?
DR. TATE: No. Mr. Hill, you were born with no muscle mass here, no cushioning. For years you've basically been sitting on your spine. You suffer from a disease called Diminished Gluteal Syndrome, or DGS.
HANK: I don't understand. What does that mean?
DR. TATE: Mr. Hill, you have no ass.
HANK: You want me to wear a fake heiny?
DR. TATE: Mr. Hill, are your shoes fake feet?
COTTON: Good Lord, Hank, you're wearin' butt-boobies!
HANK: It's not for my buttocks, it's for my back.
COTTON: Didi, put your fake ta-tas next to Hank's. We'll see who has the bigger melons!
DALE: What information have you brought me, Octavio?
OCTAVIO: Bill is losing weight, jefe. He is eating only oranges and ham sandwiches.
DALE: Blast! We will still win, but we must train twice as hard. Octavio, release the chicken.
PEGGY: Hank, Mr. Strickland just called. There is a propane emergency out in McMaynerbury.
HANK: McMaynerbury? When will they learn?
DAVE: Your wife told me about your awful incident with your orthodic. I shared it with the group.
HANK: I don't know what you're talking about. I am not even confirming that I have a wife.
HANK: Peggy, don't ever report a false propane emergency again.
PEGGY: Believe me, I prayed on it, Hank. And God told me "Don't do it." But you know what? I knew better!
HANK: Don't worry, son, you probably won't get DGS, but if you do, you can wear a gluteal orthodic and sit anywhere you want.
BOBBY: Yeah, but sooner or later someone'll find out, and they'll laugh. And I want people laughing at me because I'm shoving broccoli up my nose, not because there's something wrong with me.
HANK: We'll be an unbeatable team! The Diminished Glutes!
PEGGY: I'm sorry, Hank. I just don't know what it's like. Because obviously, I have got it goin' on back there.
DALE: All right, Octavio, now that the inspection is over, hook up the nitrous oxide to my engine.
OCTAVIO: That's illegal, no?
DALE: Yes. But it'll give me a boost of speed. Add that to the natural quickness of the Mason 5000, and I just might overcome my weak driving skills.
PEGGY: He blew out his left cheek!
BOBBY: Oh, no! That's his pivot cheek!
MEN: We're here! No rear! Get used to it!
HANK: Peggy, to the medical supply store. I need some new cheeks.