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Quotes from "Tankin' It To the Streets"
Written by Alan Cohen & Alan Freedland
Directed by Monte Young

KAHN: Hey, hillbillies, check out my new SUV! This baby so big, if it smash into one of your pickups, you get flat like pancake!
HANK: Where are you gonna keep it, smart guy? It doesn't even fit in your garage.
KAHN: Uh... maybe I keep garage in SUV! Hahahaha! Kiss my ass!

HANK: Don't get him all jacked up about nothing. If the United States government did it, I'm sure they had a good reason.
DALE: Based on what I know about Bill, and conspiracies, I'd say they used him in their attempted assassination of boxing promoter Bob Eram.
BILL: Is he right, Hank?
HANK: Has he ever been right, Bill?
DALE: You don't have to answer that.

HANK: Like any first-rate organization, I'm sure the Army has a form that you can request, fill out, and submit.
DALE (sarcastically): Good plan! Why don't you also ask them for a tour of the underwater White House?
HANK: You know, Dale, sometimes I think you say things just to hear yourself talk.
DALE: What do you want me to do? Ignore myself?

DALE: As you will see from this incontrovertible evidence, Sergeant, then Private, Bill Dauterive was given large doses of an experimental drug from 1982 to 1984. The Army was trying to create an elite group of Arctic commandoes, stationed in Alaska and able to withstand frigid temperatures. They called it "Operation Infinite Walrus." Their mission: to repel an invasion if and when the Communists came over the polar ice cap. The drug was designed to promote accumulation of heat-retaining blubber on the torso, foster the growth of insulating body hair, and create the ability to undertake long periods of hibernation.

HANK: Bill, it was a different time. It was back when we didn't know the Russians were incompetent.

BILL: Look out, world! Fat, drunk, hairy Army guinea pig coming through!

PEGGY: Poor Bill. I cannot even fathom what it's like to have low self-esteem. And I can fathom just about anything.

DALE: We can't tell the Army that Bill stole a tank. They'll tell their superiors at America Online and he'll be dead, along with everyone on his buddy list.

HANK: I've been driving bobtail trucks at Strickland for two decades.
DALE: Ooh, I am so impressed! Have you also downloaded the classified instruction manual for this tank from Vladimir Putin's website, took a correspondence course in Russian, translated the manual, memorized it and eaten it? Have you, Hank?... Putin?

HANK: I know you're disappointed with the way you turned out. We all are. But the good news is, it's not your fault. All those things that were great about you back in high school -- the confidence, the charm, the pep -- they're still part of you. They're just hidden inside the government's bloated, lazy body.
BILL: So it's not my fault I'm fat, bald and lazy?
DALE: Or that your breath always stinks like rotting garbage.
BILL: My breath smells?
HANK: It doesn't smell pleasant most of the time.
BILL: Why didn't you guys ever say anything?
HANK: We didn't tell you because we thought it would hurt your feelings. But now that we know it's the government's fault... well, Bill, your breath stinks.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, I tell you something else, man... when you're standin' in the alley talkin' 'bout how the cooler ain't cold, man... paint don't dry and sun don't shine.
BILL: What? You think I'm boring too?
DALE: Yes!
HANK: Yeah, but don't take it personally. It's...
BILL: ...Not my fault! I'm not a loser! Deep down under all this government ape-fur, I'm a winner.

BILL: I always knew I'd be a great tank driver. Just like I always knew I'd live close to Hank.

DALE: Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me.

DALE: It's safer in here, in my armor-plated womb. Hank, can I listen to your heart beat?

DALE: The army destroyed all his brain cells with their deadly placeboes. No wonder he's an ignoranus.
BILL: What did you say?
DALE: "Ignoranus." It means "stupid," you moron!
HANK: Dale, you said "placebo."
DALE: Yeah, I read it in Bill's file. That was the name of the drug they gave him: "placebo." I think it's made by P-fyser.
HANK: Dale, you're the moron. A placebo is a fake drug. They shot Bill full of sugar-water.
BILL: Sugar-water? They didn't even think I was worthy enough to be a guinea pig?

PEGGY: Come on, Bobby, there's free ice cream! Free at last! Free at last!

DALE: Bill was a good friend. He gave his life to save ours. I can safely say I would not have done the same for him.

BILL: I heard what you guys said, that I was brave and honest and a good friend. Do you still think that now that I'm not dead?
HANK: Yep.
DALE: Yep.
BOOMHAUER: M-hm.

CAPTAIN: On the plus side, your breath is unusually minty and inoffensive.
BILL: Sir, I'm brushing every day now, sir.

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