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PEGGY: How did the big shampooing final go?
LUANNE: Well, I passed "lather" but I failed "rinse," and then I failed "repeat" too because it includes rinse, which I don't think is very fair.

PEGGY: How long has this been going on?
HANK: There's nothing going on, Peg. That's the problem.
PEGGY: Well, how long have you had this problem?
HANK: There's no problem. It's not something we need to talk about.

BOBBY: You should eat those, Dad. They help you make.
HANK: What??
BOBBY: Well, I thought you were consti --
HANK: Where would you get such an idea? That's ridiculous. Anyway, that's not something you should ever know about your father.

NANCY: I'm a meteorologist, not a doctor, but if I had to make an educated guess, I'd say he's got polio. (Peggy gasps.) Okay, okay, I'm not a meteorologist, I'm a weather girl.

BILL: Oh, Hank, it happens to everyone now and then. There's no reason to be embarrassed.
HANK: Maybe I'm not the one who should be embarrassed. Did you ever think of that? Maybe you're going a little too much. Once every four or five days gives me more free time. If you wanna spend all your time on the toilet, be my guest.
DALE: Have you tried squatting? It takes pressure off the lower body.
BILL: You know, Hank, I find a ride on the lawnmower helps.
HANK: Would you please stop talking about this?
BOOMHAUER: Hey, Hank, you know I've been thinking about y'all and your dang'ol bottom and all and what's gonna get it movin' again; I think y'all ought go jogging or swimmin' like water bugs, man, it's gonna be havin' you poopin' just like you used to, man. God knows it's gonna work.
BOOMHAUER'S GIRLFRIEND: It helped my aunt after her pregnancy.
HANK: I don't know you, do I?
BOOMHAUER'S GIRLFRIEND: No, you don't.

DALE: Here's one that's guaranteed to work for you, Hank. You take a spoonful of bacon grease --
HANK: I am not eating bacon grease.
DALE: You didn't let me finish.

PEGGY: I'm tired of worrying to myself. It's better to talk things out, Hank.
HANK: Not these things. Not toilet things.
PEGGY: All right, Hank, if it makes you this upset, I will just sit here silently, alone with my worries.
HANK: Finally.

BILL (at Hank's fantasy funeral): He looks like an angel. A dead angel.
BOOMHAUER (crying): Why, man, dang ol' why, why?
DALE: It should have been Bill.

C. EVERETT KOOP: Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.

DR. MORLEY: How long has it been since your last bowel movement?
HANK: Well, I don't usually keep track of these things...
PEGGY: Five days. And Hank's usual schedule is every two days. Of course, when we were first married, he'd go every day. But then I spoke to his mother and she said the most interesting thing. When he was a teenager, he would be in that bathroom three or four times a day...
HANK: Peggy!!!

DR. MORLEY: You know, Bobby, if I were to take your grandfather's --
HANK: I'm his father.
DR. MORLEY: Your father's intestine and lay it out in a straight line, it would go all the way around the Earth.
PEGGY: Well, that is fascinating, Doctor. I never knew that.
HANK: Now, how could that be? The Earth is 25,000 miles around. A piece of steak would have to shoot through your intestines at the speed of sound. That's impossible.
DR. MORLEY: Well, Mr. Hill, there's certainly nothing going through your intestines that fast.
BOBBY: Hey, I like this. Can I be a proctologist when I grow up?
TASHA: Mr. Hill, I'm going to have to ask you to relax your buttocks.

DR. MORLEY: You know, it's possible to live a normal, healthy, slightly less active life without a colon. You just can't wear shorts.

HEALTH STORE EMPLOYEE: Try this faux-fu. It's a tofu substitute for the tofu-intolerant.
PEGGY: Would that be good for a man who's constipated?
HANK: Peggy!
PEGGY: I didn't say it was you.
HEALTH STORE EMPLOYEE: Now, is this for your husband?
PEGGY: Yes.

HANK: Do you have anything here that tastes good?
HEALTH STORE EMPLOYEE: Uh...no.

LUANNE (suggesting an acupuncturist): He sticks needles in your skin and sets them on fire.
HANK: Anyone ever try that on me, I'll kick his ass.

HANK: Look, honey, we've gotta talk. I know you wanna help, but this is getting out of control. You can't treat a grown man like a baby. It ain't right. I feel like I've been trying to be someone else lately. Eating food I don't eat -- and I'm just not gonna do it anymore. And if I don't ever poop again then that's just gonna be who I am. I'd rather die with a burger in my colon than live and eat FauxFu.

HANK: You might've noticed in tonight's episode, there was some brief nudity. Now, as an actor, I only do nudity when I feel the script warrants it. And I thought tonight's episode only warranted seeing the side of my rump. You can believe me when I tell you the Fox executives were pushing for a whole lot more. If any of you were offended by my body, I'm truly sorry. Good night.

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