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If you've been on the Internet for more than two hours, chances are you have seen those putrid "Make Money Fast" offers. Pyramid schemes ARE a violation of Federal law, despite what they say -- after all, if they told the truth, they would have much less chance of wringing a few fivers out of the pockets of the gullible. If someone called you on the telephone, blathering excitedly about how you could rake in forty grand for an investment of only five measly dollars, chances are you'd give the little creep a piece of your mind and hang up. But, the Internet is fairly new to some folks, and they forget to exercise their better judgment. And unfortunately, a few people actually BELIEVE that garbage, and since e-mail and newsgroups can be exploited at little cost to the spammer, these schemes have been circulating for years.

Plus, they just suck. After seeing an untold number of these disgusting scams, I decided to write my own satirical version by modifying one of them in its dreary entirety. It's pretty long-winded (because the original was), so I also made available a shorter parody of a similar scheme, for those of us with 1990s attention spans. The language is a little on the salty side, so if this offends you, then you may wish to go back. If you like this one, you may also wish to check out the "St. Jude letter" parody.

Other features at Voices From The Right:
Serious stuff: The Clinton/Lewinsky "Fornigate" scandal | Why I am Not a New Ager
Fun stuff: Parody of "Make Money Fast" scam | Parody of classic Dave Rhodes style "Make Money Fast" scam | Parody of St. Jude chain letter | Stuff that Sucks | Spoof of Clinton's 4Q98 State of the Union address | The Ruthenians: a people without a holiday
Other stuff: Voices from the Right home page | My REAL résumé: Jobs that Sucked | Introduction to the Internet: be sure you have the latest browser | Brief bio about the Webmeister, and my Mailbox: write me... if you dare

Please accept my apology if this was sent to you in error!
Please accept my apology if you did not want to see this!
Please accept my apology if you are absolutely sick and tired of seeing these get-rich-quick schemes clogging bandwidth and your ISP's resources like a swarm of famished locusts!
Please accept my apology that spammers like me are devouring the Internet like the horde of greedy maggots that we are!

<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
We are about to take your money - In less than 90 days
Read the enclosed program...THEN READ IT AGAIN!...
(Not that you haven't seen this kind of bull corn at least 70,000 times already...)
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Dear Potential Mark,

The enclosed information is something I almost let slip through my fingers. Fortunately, sometime later I re-read everything and gave some thought and study to it. Then, I decided to bother YOU with it.

My name is Lenny Luser. Two years ago, the corporation I worked at for the past twelve years down-sized and my position was eliminated. Since the company was doing pretty well at the time, I think that perhaps my dismissal had something to do with me showing up on the job drunk a few too many times. After unproductive job interviews, I figured human resources people just didn't like to hire someone with a purple mohawk, a criminal record, and a Motley Crüe tattoo on the forehead. So I decided to open my own business. Over the past year, I had incurred many unforeseen financial problems, and my secretary sued me just because I grabbed her buns and told her she had to put out or get out. I owed my family, friends, dealers, bookies, and creditors over $35,000. And that doesn't even include all the child support I'm supposed to be paying to my darling ex-wife. The economy was taking a toll on my business and I just couldn't seem to make ends meet, especially after that vacation in Vegas. I had to refinance and borrow against my trailer house to support my family and struggling business. Me and my girlfriend just can't cope unless we've both got plenty of pot, cigarettes, uppers, and vodka -- and she's especially edgy now that she's pregnant again. I truly believe it was wrong for me to be in debt like this. Somebody at the credit card company had to have made a mistake... AT THAT MOMENT something significant happened in my life and I am writing to share my experience in hopes that this will change your life FOREVER....FINANCIALLY!!!

In mid-December, I received this program via e-mail. Six months prior to receiving this program I had been sending away for information on various business opportunities in back of the National Enquirer. All of the programs I received, in my opinion, were not cost effective. They were either too difficult for me to comprehend (the prison shrink says I've got a 75 IQ) or the initial investment was too much for me to risk to see if they worked or not. One claimed I'd make a million dollars in one year...it didn't tell me I'd have to write a book to make it. Hell, I have enough trouble reading, much less writing.

But like I was saying, in December of '92 I received this program. I didn't send for it, or ask for it, they just got my name off a mailing list because I posted an ad in rec.drugs.cannabis. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT!!! Most people would be hacked off if someone sent them a get-rich-quick chain letter. Some people like getting a solicitation in their e-mail box to commit a Federal crime about as much as they like getting a dead rat in their snail-mail box. But not me! After reading it several times, to make sure I was reading it correctly, I couldn't believe my eyes. (I might not be in jail now if I had considered the fact that if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. But, I digress...) Here was a MONEY-MAKING PHENOMENON. I could invest as much as I wanted to start, without putting me further in debt. After I got a pencil and paper and figured it out, I would at least get my money back. After determining that the program is LEGAL and NOT A CHAIN LETTER, I decided "WHY NOT". Oh, did I mention that I still believe in the tooth fairy?

I'm an attorney. Really I am. Trust me on that one. I am not a crook either. I SWEAR IT'S NOT ILLEGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's not a chain letter either, because obviously a chain letter is one where you take a metal chain (a dog leash will do) and send it in a package with a letter enclosed. Since you can't do that with an e-mail, then obviously this is NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Initially I sent out 10,000 e-mails. It only cost me about $15.00 for my time on-line. The next day my mailbox was stuffed full of flame-mail and the day after that my account was disconnected and I ended up getting arrested, but what the hell. The great thing about e-mail is that I didn't need any money for printing to send out the program, only the cost to fulfill my orders. That's the great thing about the Internet... you don't even need 32 cents to send people junk mail. I am telling you like it is, I hope it doesn't turn you off, but I promised myself that I would not "rip-off" anyone, no matter how much money it cost me!. (I ALWAYS tell the truth to myself, just as much as I tell the truth to you...)

In less than one week, I was starting to receive orders for REPORT #1. By January 13th, I had received 26 orders for REPORT #1. When you read the GUARANTEE in the program, you will see that "YOU MUST RECEIVE 15 TO 20 ORDERS FOR REPORT #1 WITHIN TWO WEEKS. IF YOU DON'T, SEND OUT MORE PROGRAMS UNTIL YOU DO!" My first step in making $50,000 in 20 to 90 days was done. By January 30th, I had received 196 orders for REPORT #2. If you go back to the GUARANTEE, "YOU MUST RECEIVE 100 OR MORE ORDERS FOR REPORT #2 WITHIN TWO WEEKS. IF NOT, SEND OUT MORE PROGRAMS UNTIL YOU DO. ONCE YOU HAVE 100 ORDERS, THE REST IS EASY, RELAX, YOU WILL MAKE YOUR $50,000 GOAL." Well, I had 196 orders for REPORT #2, 96 more than I needed. So I sat back and tried to relax. My mother told me just to lie back and think of the British Empire. By March 19th, the day I was sentenced, of my e-mailing of 10,000, I received $58,000 with more coming in every day. Yes, I was really making all this money. Now you might be wondering how I can possibly be describing how much money I've made by doing this WHEN I JUST SENT YOU THIS DAMN THING AND YOU'RE ONLY READING THIS LETTER NOW. But don't worry; just TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Maybe I've got a time machine, after all.)

I paid off ALL my debts and bought a much needed new car: a black Acura Integra no less. Sure I did! Don't you BELIEVE me? Now, I'm paying off my debt to Society as I make license plates all day. Please take time to read the attached program, IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER! (You are reading this, aren't you?) Remember, it won't work if you don't try it. (And it won't work even if you do, but don't let that little detail discourage you from breaking Federal law and lining my wallet with five dollars from a bunch of you little suckers.) This program does work, but you must follow it EXACTLY! Especially the rules of not trying to place your name in a different place. For all you know, all the addresses I gave could be different mail drops for myself. But if you catch on and do something like that, I won't get any more money to pay my lawyer tab. It doesn't work, I'll you'll lose out on a lot of money! (PLEASE don't play games like I'm doing!) REPORT #2 explains this. Always follow the guarantee, 15 to 20 orders for REPORT #1, and 100 or more orders for REPORT #2 and you will make $50,000 or more in 20 to 90 days. I AM LIVING PROOF THAT IT WORKS !!! (Okay, so I'm writing this from my jail cell. But I really did make this money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honest...)

If you choose not to participate in this program, I'm sorry. I'm REALLY sorry because this doesn't work if I can't make it sound convincing enough to recruit more suckers: as a matter of fact, suckers just like I was. It really is a great opportunity with little cost or risk to you. Okay, so you're breaking a Federal law: but don't let that discourage you. If you choose to participate, follow the program and you will be on your way to financial security. And even if you're not lucky, they'll give you a court-appointed attorney, because it's your constitutional right! The lawyer they assigned me just graduated from Oklahoma University's law school and specialized in divorce cases. I had to beg Dad for some money to hire someone who knew what an arraignment was. Now isn't that something to get you excited?

If you are a fellow business owner and you are in financial trouble like I was, or you want to start your own business, consider this a sign. I DID! (I hope I get a new cellmate soon. The one I've got now doesn't take showers, and he doesn't even have the common courtesy to give me a reach-around.)

Sincerely, Lenny Luser

PS Do you have any idea what 11,700 $5 bills ($58,000) look like piled up on a kitchen table? I wish I knew. But I assume IT'S AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Now for some "testimonials". I hope they don't look like I just wrote them to try to impress you with these phony stories or anything. I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER'S GRAVE I'M NOT LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sorry Mom...)

"THREW IT AWAY"

"I had received this program before. I threw it away in a fit of good sense, but later wondered if I shouldn't have given it a try. Of course, I had no idea who to contact to get a copy, so I had to wait until I was e-mailed another copy of the program. Eleven minutes passed, then another person spammed me. I DIDN'T throw this one away. I spammed all 20,000 Usenet groups, and the Sub-Genuis folks went to DejaNews and retrieved all the messages I wrote in alt.sex.bondage and forwarded it to my mother-in-law's corporate e-mail account. And now I'm getting a divorce. To whichever sack of manure on the Internet sent this to me, THANKS A LOT."

Dawn W., Evansville, IN

"NO FREE LUNCH"

"My late father always told me, 'remember, Alan, there is no free lunch in life. You get out of life what you put into it.' Through trial and error and a somewhat slow frustrating start, I finally figured it out. Dad was right, and if I had listened to him, I wouldn't be awaiting my trial date right now. I know my dad would have been very proud of me, if only I'd gotten a real job and not even tried to mess with these stupid get-rich-quick schemes. Dad must be turning in his grave now to have such an imbecile for a son. As for Mom, the other day I overheard her on the phone saying she wishes she'd gotten an abortion when she had the chance because someone as gullible and stupid as I am shouldn't have been given the chance to live."

Alan B., Philadelphia, PA

A PERSONAL NOTE FROM THE PROPAGATOR OF THIS SCAM

By the time you have read the enclosed information and looked over the enclosed program and reports, you should have concluded that such a program, and one that is legal (ahem), could not have been created by an amateur. As a matter of fact, it was created by a PROFESSIONAL con man (no amateur there), and if you think this is legal, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you. A man named Charles Ponzi cooked up this little baby, decades ago. He sucked up lots of money by bilking the citizens of Boston with his "pyramid" scheme, and when it collapsed (as they always do) lots of people discovered that they basically had flushed their money down the toilet, and Charles Ponzi ended up getting deported -- again. More recently, Albania's economy and civil order collapsed because their leaders concocted a similar scheme, squirreled all the money away overseas, and got out just before the citizens who they had defrauded and impoverished could string them up on light poles like they deserved.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I had a profitable business for ten years. Then in 1979 my business began falling off. I was doing the same things that were previously successful for me, but it wasn't working. (I know, in the beginning I told you that I had just started my own business only a couple of years ago. But I'm not even going to bother proofreading this, because if you spot all the logical inconsistencies, you're probably too smart to fall for this scam anyway.) Finally, I figured it out. It wasn't me, it wasn't my lavish spending habits, it wasn't my mismanagement: it was the economy. Inflation and recession had replaced the stable economy that had been with us since 1945. I don't have to tell you what happened to the unemployment rate...because many of you know from first hand experience. There were more failures and bankruptcies than ever before. The reason the economy sucks like it does is because our Federal government has been spending money like there's no tomorrow. And they still keep spending. When I run up my credit cards and can't pay the bills on time, they shut off my credit limit. But not so with the Federal government. They can keep spending and spending and spending and spending because they run the whole show. But, no matter what happens, someone has to pay the piper. That's what we get for electing a bunch of guys to Congress who can't even balance their own checkbooks.

The middle class was vanishing. Those who knew what they were doing invested wisely and moved up. Those who did not, including those who never had anything to save or invest, were moving down into the ranks of the poor. Those who threw away their meager savings in get-rich-quick schemes like this really took it up their collective financial poop chute. As the saying goes, "THE RICH GET RICHER AND THE POOR GET POORER." The government has been sucking the middle class dry with their taxes. The rich have been able to get away with much less of a tax burden, because they write the checks that finance the TV ads which get the politicians elected in the first place, and the politicians know which side their bread is buttered on. The traditional methods of making money will never allow you to "move up" or "get rich", inflation will see to that. SO... you have to be a thief or a con man, just like me, to get the BIG BIG MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And since getting elected to public office is pretty hard, then why not try my sure-fire program that gets you $50,000 from an investment of only a few bucks?

You have just received information that can give you financial freedom for the rest of your life, with "NO RISK" and "JUST A LITTLE BIT OF EFFORT." Okay, so "freedom" is a rather funny word to use to describe the inside of a prison cell, but I'm trying to stretch my imagination here. So give me a break, already. You can make more money in the next few months than you have ever imagined.

I should also point out that I will not see a penny of your money, nor anyone else who has provided a testimonial for this program. (Anything I make will be applied by the Court to pay off my fines, and my lawyer is going to scarf up all the rest.) I have already made over FOUR MILLION DOLLARS! I have retired from the program after sending out over 16,000 programs. (Okay, at first, I told you that I've been a small busines owner for the last two years and I made $58K and counting. Then I said I've been running my own business since the '70s. And now I tell you I'm a multimillionaire. If you STILL believe me, you probably also believe in Santa Claus.) Now I have several offices which market this and several other programs here in the US and overseas. By the Spring, we wish to market the 'Internet' by a partnership with AMERICA ON LINE. (I hope AOL doesn't sue my butt off for saying that...)

Follow the program EXACTLY AS INSTRUCTED. Do not change it in any way. It works exceedingly well as it is now. TRUST THE SYSTEM. Remember to e-mail a copy of this exciting program to everyone that you can think of. You may lose friendships this way, and make people you just met online want to wrap a tire iron around your head, and show everyone just what an IDIOT you are for believing this, but I can't make any money if you don't spam this crap all over the Internet for me. SO I ORDER YOU TO POST THIS EVERYWHERE. DO IT NOW, SLAVE! One of the people you send this to may send out 50,000...and your name will be on every one of them! Remember though, the more you send out, the more potential customers you will reach. (And the more likely your boss, your minister, or your friendly neighborhood attorney general will see this. And the more likely you'll get your account shut off. And the more likely you will be put on a special luser list. And the more likely a hacker will forge posts to the kiddie porn newsgroups in your name. And the more likely someone who lives in your city is going to get so fed up by all this crap that he personally kicks your butt from hell to breakfast. But that's beside the point.)

So, sucker my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, materials and opportunity to become financially independent, IT IS UP TO YOU NOW! Forget all about working hard at your career and making a living through your own efforts and the pride you'll feel getting a real job done and that whole stupid Protestant ethic. HARD WORK SUCKS, so just JOIN IN A GET RICH QUICK SCHEME and HELP SOMEONE ELSE LINE HIS POCKETS! Yeah, I'm only asking five bucks, which is measly chump change, but when you and all the other little worms send me their pathetic fivers, it's gonna add up.


"THINK ABOUT IT! Think! Think! Th-Th-Th! Stab-twist-pull! Stab-twist-pull! Stab-twist-pull!"

Before you forward this program from your mailbox, take a little time to read it and REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. Are you REALLY going to be so stupid as to get taken in by a con game like this????????????? I'll bet you are that dimwitted, now aren't you? Good........... Get a copy of the U.S. statutes on postal fraud and figure out what could happen when YOU participate. Figure out the worst possible response and no matter how you calculate it, you will still make a lot of money! (Okay, if not for you, for your lawyers then.) Definitely get back what you invested, if not in money, then in flame-mail. Any doubts you have will vanish when your first orders come in, or when you lose your Internet account, or when the cops show up on your doorstep, whichever comes first. IT WORKS!

Tiny Johnson, Raleigh, NC


HERE'S HOW THIS AMAZING PROGRAM WILL MAKE ME YOU $$$$$$

Let's say that you decide to start small, just to see how it goes, and we'll assume you and all those involved send out 2,000 programs each. Let's also assume that the mailing receives a .5% response. Using a good list the response could be much better. Also many people will annoy hundreds of thousands of people instead of 2,000. But continuing with this example, you send out only 2,000 programs. With a .5% response, that is only 10 orders for REPORT #1. Those 10 people respond by sending out 2,000 programs each for a total of 40,000 kilobytes of disk storage space wasted on the news or mail servers. Out of those .5%, 100 people respond and order REPORT #2. Those 100 mail out 2,000 programs each for a total of 400 megabytes on various POP3 servers, or all NNTP servers everywhere. The .5% response to that is 1,000 orders for REPORT #3. Those 1,000 send out 2,000 programs each for a total of FOUR ENTIRE GIGS of wasted disk storage! To say nothing of the extra load this puts on routers, DNS servers, and so forth... Naturally, this increases the costs that ISPs have to bear in order to store and forward all this bull corn, and the cost gets passed on to every Netizen on the globe when they have to jack up your access rates, but you won't even think about that because you'll feel so good about making the MEASLY FEW BUCKS that you'll actually get if you're lucky! (If you don't get arrested first.) After all, very few spammers actually bother to send the $5 to the names on the list because there's nothing requiring them to do that. The "reports" are just a thin, unnecessary smokescreen to make this sound more real, but it's doubtful anyone even bothers with them (not that it even matters). But doesn't it feel good to lay a big fragrant cow patty in the middle of the Information Superhighway?

REMEMBER FOOL FRIEND, THIS IS ASSUMING 1,990 OUT OF 2,000 PEOPLE YOU MAIL TO WILL DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING... AND TRASH THIS PROGRAM! DARE TO THINK FOR A MOMENT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF EVERYONE OR HALF SENT OUT 100,000 PROGRAMS INSTEAD OF ONLY 2,000. The Internet could be brought to its very knees! It was designed to survive a nuclear war, but it remains to be seen if it can stand hordes of greedy little leeches like me and (I hope) you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Believe me, many people will do that and more! By the way, your cost to participate in this is practically nothing. And what the hell; a four gigabyte disk drive will only cost each and every ISP a measly few hundred bucks... You obviously already have an internet connection and e-mail is FREE!!! (For you it is, anyway. Forget for a moment that the Internet is the fruit of nearly three decades of research and development. Go ahead and abuse this state-of-the-art technology by helping me spew this garbage to the four corners of the globe.) REPORT#3 will show you the best methods for bulk e-mailing and purchasing e-mail lists. Hellooooooo, Spamford...

THIS IS A LEGITIMATE, LEGAL, MONEY MAKING OPPORTUNITY. Trust me trust me trust me trustme trustme trustme trustmetrustmetrustme! HAHAHAHAHA! It does not require you to come in contact with people (except someone clever enough to find out where you live and give you a piece of his mind), do any hard work (working for a living really sucks, doesn't it?), and best of all, you never have to leave the house except to go to jail get the mail. If you believe that someday you'll get that big break that you've been waiting for, THIS IS IT! Simply follow the instructions, and your dream will come true. (Right now as I'm trying to get to sleep in this jail cell, I'm dreaming of this sweaty convenience store robber. I can feel his stale breath on my neck. He unbuttons my prison-issue trousers. I cringe, knowing what's about to come next... Or *is* this a dream?) This multi-level e-mail order marketing program works perfectly...100% EVERY TIME. Never mind the fact that even on the Internet, there is a finite number of suckers, and that a Ponzi pyramid always collapses as soon as the exponentially growing need for new suckers to buy into it cannot be met. E-mail is the sales tool of the future. Take advantage of this non-commercialized (Haw Haw Haw) method of advertising NOW!! Make people all around the globe want to beat you to a pulp! The longer you wait, the more people will be doing business using e-mail. Get your piece of this action!! (I just wish my cellmate would be a little more gentle as he gets his piece of the action, or at least use more Vaseline.)

MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING (MLM) has finally gained respectability. It is being taught in the Harvard Business School, and both Stanford Research and The Wall Street Journal have stated that between 50% and 65% of all goods and services will be sold throughout Multi-level Methods by the mid to late 1990's. (I can't cite the exact sources, naturally, but since I heard it in an Amway lecture, it must be true! And whoever said it first must be eating his/her words, because it's the late '90s by now, and scAmway hasn't exactly put Wal-Mart out of business yet.) This is a Multi-Billion Dollar industry and of the 500,000 millionaires in the US, 20% (100,000) made their fortune in the last several years in MLM. Moreover, statistics show 45 people become millionaires everyday through Multi-Level Marketing. I'm not sure how that compares to how many people become millionaires through trading junk bonds or pushing crack on schoolkids, or if it's even true to begin with, but I thought that was an impressive figure to throw out to you rubes.

INSTRUCTIONS

We at Fnord Mail Order Marketing Business, have a method of raising capital that REALLY WORKS 100% EVERY TIME. I am sure that you could use $50,000 to $125,000 in the next 20 to 90 days. Before you say "Bull", please read the program carefully. I SWEAR I'M NOT LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not a chain letter, but a perfectly legal money making opportunity. (If I repeat that enough, maybe you actually will be dumb enough to believe me...) Basically, this is what we do: As with all multi-level business, we build our business by recruiting new partners and selling our products. In a normal company, your boss pays you. In a multi-level marketing company, you pay your boss and try to recruit more suckers so that you'll be THEIR boss. What a great opportunity! Unlike a REAL multi-level marketing business, most of which are pretty stupid anyway, this one actually violates Federal mail fraud law because we're not actually offering any real goods and services; we're just mailing crappy pamphlets as a pretext for running a Ponzi scheme. You don't exactly have to be Perry Mason to realize that this is a sham, but we're hoping you're dumb enough not to see through the shabby pretext. Every state in the USA allows you to recruit new multi-level business partners, and we offer a product for EVERY dollar sent. Yes indeedy: mailing four reports, each of which are small enough to fit in an SASE with one stamp, will generate >$50K in value... sounds like a legit premise, doesn't it? YOUR ORDERS COME AND ARE FILLED THROUGH THE MAIL, so you are not involved in personal selling. That's also why this scheme may be prosecuted as postal fraud, a crime which you too can commit privately in your own home, store or office.

This is the GREATEST Ponzi Spam Scam anywhere:

Step (1) Order all four 4 REPORTS listed by NAME AND NUMBER. Do this by ordering the REPORT from each of the four 4 names listed on the next page. For each REPORT, send $5 CASH and a SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED envelope (BUSINESS SIZE #10) to the person listed for the SPECIFIC REPORT. International orders should also include $1 extra for postage. It is essential that you specify the NAME and NUMBER of the report requested to the person you are ordering from. You will need ALL FOUR 4 REPORTS because you will be REPRINTING and RESELLING them. Don't even THINK about altering the names or sequence other than what the instructions say. I did, but don't you DARE do that yourself! IMPORTANT: Always provide same-day service on all orders.

Step (2) Replace the name and address under REPORT #1 with yours, moving the one that was there down to REPORT #2. Drop the name and address under REPORT #2 to REPORT #3, moving the one that was there to REPORT #4. The name and address that was under REPORT #4 is dropped from the list and this party is no doubt on the way to jail the bank. When doing this, make certain you type the names and addresses ACCURATELY! DO NOT MIX UP MOVING PRODUCT/REPORT POSITIONS!!!

Step (3) Having made the required changes in the NAME list, save it as a text (.txt) file in it's own directory to be used with whatever e-mail program you like. Again, REPORT #3 will tell you the best methods of bulk e-mailing and acquiring e-mail lists.

Step (4) E-mail a copy of the entire program (all of this is very important) to everyone whose address you can get your hands on. Start with friends and relatives since you can encourage them to take advantage of this fabulous money-making opportunity. That's what I did. And they love me now, more than ever. (Never mind the fact that REAL investment brokers know not to sell to their friends and relatives, because investments don't always work and this destroys relationships.) Then, e-mail to anyone and everyone! Use your imagination! You can get e-mail addresses from companies on the Internet who specialize in e-mail mailing lists. (As it happens, they are among the most hated in cyberspace, second only to the Roman Polanski Day Care Center.) These are very cheap, 100,000 addresses for around $35.00. And that's the reason why you've been seeing idiotic messages like this one over and over again.

IMPORTANT: You won't get a good response if you use an old list, so always request a FRESH, NEW list. You will find out where to purchase these lists when you order the four 4 REPORTS.

ALWAYS PROVIDE SAME-DAY SERVICE ON ALL ORDERS!!!


REQUIRED REPORTS

***Order each REPORT by NUMBER and NAME***

ALWAYS SEND A SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED ENVELOPE
AND $5 CASH FOR EACH ORDER REQUESTING THE
SPECIFIC REPORT BY NAME AND NUMBER


REPORT #1
"HOW TO MAKE 250,000 ENEMIES THROUGH MULTI-LEVEL SPAMS"

ORDER REPORT #1 FROM:

Sneezy, Bashful, Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy, Happy, and Doc
3600 Takemeto CT.
Orlando, FL 32812


REPORT #2
"MAJOR CORPORATIONS DON'T USE MULTI-LEVEL RIP-OFFS"

ORDER REPORT #2 FROM:

Goofy, Mickey, & Associates
1200 Primrose Path Ave
Orlando, FL 32812


REPORT#3
"SOURCES FOR THE BEST SPAM"

ORDER REPORT #3 FROM:

Honest Al's Marketing
6307 Suckers Rd.
Columbia, SC 29212


REPORT #4
"EVALUATING MULTI-LEVEL SCAMS"

ORDER REPORT #4 FROM:

Psst... Hey You Marketing
225 Ripoff Drive
Wilmington, NC 28403


CONCLUSION

I am enjoying my fortune that I made by sending out this program. The measly $15 that I got from all of this went part of the way toward getting the Church of Caviar in Prison a legal charter as a religious organization. You too, will be up the creek making money in 20 to 90 days, if you follow the SIMPLE STEPS outlined in this mailing. "Simple things for simple minds", after all.

To be financially independent is to be FREE. When my sentence is served, I too will be free. Free to make financial decisions as never before. Maybe I'll be smarter the next time around. Go into business, get into investments, retire or take a vacation. No longer will an unwashed felon hold my backside.

However, very few people reach financial independence, because when opportunity knocks, they choose to ignore it. It is much easier to say "NO" than "YES", and this is the question that you must answer. Will YOU ignore this amazing opportunity or will you be a sucker? If you do nothing, you have indeed missed the opportunity to lose your Internet account and maybe even get arrested. Please re-read this material, this is a special opportunity. If you have any questions, please feel free to write to the sender of this information. You will get a prompt and informative reply from the mail server, saying the address was fake. (I might be stupid enough to participate in this scam, but I'm not so stupid as to give my real e-mail address.)

My method is simple. I sell thousands of people a "product" (wink wink, nudge nudge) for $5 that costs me pennies to produce and e-mail. I should also point out that this program is legal and everyone who participates WILL make money. I met Elvis Presley in a convenience store the other day, and told me personally. Elvis wouldn't lie, now would he? This is not a chain letter or pyramid scam. I SWEAR I'M NOT LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At times you have probably received chain letters, asking you to send money, on faith, but getting NOTHING in return, NO product what-so-ever! If you were dumb enough to do that, then one experience should have been enough to teach you. Not only are chain letters illegal, but the risk of someone breaking the chain makes them quite unattractive. Don't even THINK about not ordering my stupid reports.

You are offering a legitimate product to your people. The judge and the jury might not think so, but just TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After they purchase the product from you, they reproduce more (and nine months later, a new crop of idiots comes into the world). It's simple fraud. As you learned from the enclosed material, the PRODUCT is a series of four 4 FINANCIAL AND BUSINESS REPORTS. That's right -- spamming advertisements for a few pages of bull corn is something worth >$50K. The information contained in these REPORTS will not only help you in making your participation in this program more rewarding, but will be useful to you in any other business decisions you make in the years ahead. You are also buying the rights to reprint all of the REPORTS, which will be ordered from you by those to whom you mail this program. The concise one and two page REPORTS you will be buying can easily be reproduced at a local copy center for a cost off about 3 cents a copy. By now, after all these copyings, they're way too fuzzy to read -- if on the off chance someone actually sends you one. But, since it's only a flimsy pretext to make this look halfway legal to the average uneducated sucker, what the hell. Best wishes with the scam and Good Luck!

"IT WAS TRULY AMAZING"

"Not being the gambling type, it took me several weeks to make up my mind to participate in this humbug. But conservative as I am, I decided that the initial investment was so little that there was no way that I could not get enough orders to at least get my money back. BOY, was I ever surprised when I found my medium sized post office box crammed with orders! BOY, was my postmaster ever interested in why this was happening! I will make more money this year than any ten years of my life before, because I lucked out and got Charles Manson for a cellmate, and I get to write his unauthorized biography. If he doesn't bust open my head and eat my brains, that is."

Bill Gully, Lansing, MI

TIPS FOR SUCCESS

Send for your four 4 REPORTS immediately so you will have them when the orders start coming in. When you receive a $5 order, you MUST send out the product/service to comply with US Postal and Lottery laws. Title 18 Sections 1302 and 1341 specifically state that: "A PRODUCT OR SERVICE MUST BE EXCHANGED FOR MONEY RECEIVED." (Okay, if you looked, they don't give any such loopholes at all. And that alone should tell you how honest I am...) At your trial, I'm sure you'll be able to explain to the jury that you were selling legitimate products or services. Will they be so foolish as to believe you...? Life's an adventure, right?

WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE REPORTS TO ARRIVE:

  1. Name your new company. You can use your own name if you desire. Since you're making a pretense of running a company, you ARE going to file all the appropriate tax forms, right?????
  2. Get a post office box (preferred). That way, you're less likely to get beat up at your home by angry Internet users who live near you. If they want to clean your clock, then they'll have to take the trouble to go to your postmaster and find out what your real address is. (Did I mention that as soon as you start using your PO box for doing business, this information becomes available to the public?)
  3. Edit the names and addresses on the program. You must remember, your name and address go next to REPORT #1 and the others all move down one, with the fourth one being bumped OFF the list.
  4. Obtain as many e-mail addresses as possible to send until you receive the information on mailing list companies in REPORT #3.
  5. Decide on the number of programs you intend to send out. The more you send, and the quicker you send them, the more money you will lose, the quicker you'll lose your Internet account, and the more likely you'll end up in a jail cell with a big ugly guy named Bubba who wants to be your friend.
  6. After mailing the programs, get ready to fill the orders.
  7. Copy the four 4 REPORTS so you are able to sent them out as soon as you receive an order. IMPORTANT: ALWAYS PROVIDE SAME-DAY SERVICE ON ORDERS YOU RECEIVE! The quicker you are, the faster you'll be helping to pay my lawyer tab.
  8. Make certain the letter and reports are neat and legible. After being copied dozens of times, this is gonna be kinda hard, but that's not my problem.

YOUR GUARANTEE (wink wink, nudge nudge)

The check point which GUARANTEES your success is simply this: you must receive 15 to 20 orders for REPORT #1. This is a must!!! (If you're not 100% satisfied, just write to me and I'll send back your money. Sure...) If you don't within two weeks, e-mail out more programs and bother more people until you do. Then a couple of weeks later you should receive at least 100 orders for REPORT #2, if you don't, send out more programs until you do. Once you have received 100 or more orders for REPORT #2, (take a deep breath) you can sit back and relax, because YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE AT LEAST $50,000. Mathematically it is a proven fact that these pyramid schemes collapse when the exponentially increasing need for new suckers becomes greater than the actual number of people stupid enough to pay their money into something like this, and that's the reason why you'll be lucky to get enough money back to buy a six back of Budweiser, but never mind that. Of those who have participated in the program and reached the above GUARANTEES-ALL have reached their $50,000 goal. Ye-e-e-ep. Your state's Securities and Exchange Commission takes the word "guarantee" a lot more seriously than I do, but never mind that. Also, remember, every time your name is moved down the list you are in front of a different REPORT, so you can keep track of your program by knowing what people are ordering from you. IT'S THAT EASY, REALLY, IT IS!!! I SWEAR I'M NOT LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REMEMBER:
"A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE SOON PARTED."
"A SUCKER'S BORN EVERY MINUTE."


Other features at Voices From The Right:
Serious stuff: The Clinton/Lewinsky "Fornigate" scandal | Why I am Not a New Ager
Fun stuff: Parody of "Make Money Fast" scam | Parody of classic Dave Rhodes style "Make Money Fast" scam | Parody of St. Jude chain letter | Stuff that Sucks | Spoof of Clinton's 4Q98 State of the Union address | The Ruthenians: a people without a holiday
Other stuff: Voices from the Right home page | My REAL résumé: Jobs that Sucked | Introduction to the Internet: be sure you have the latest browser | Brief bio about the Webmeister, and my Mailbox: write me... if you dare

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