This is a spoof of what Bill Clinton's last State of the Union address should have been. It takes a poke at every President for the last three decades. There is some coarse language here, so if you are offended by that sort of thing, you might not want to read any further. This is a work of fiction, not the real State of the Union address. Unfortunately, I don't know who wrote it: otherwise, I would give credit.
STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS...
PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN
Members of Congress...people of America... I banged her. I banged her
like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica
Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been
paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady,
Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than
I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would
envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for
the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment
in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White
House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln
bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the
Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was
as horny as a paroled convict being let out of solitary. But, you elected
me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other
choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some
place called, "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White
House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,
smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon
before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible
deniability,'and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his
crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major
contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who
was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to
spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a
dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo
here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is
balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a
fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust,
and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has
enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead
of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker
showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd
like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life
you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the